The 2012 That Was...

So here's the summary of my attempts at life this year, in quotes:

JANUARY - Trying to move on...

• I'm a mess.
• You are going to be fine because you have a heart like mine. And our hearts - they may break a thousand times but they mend a thousand times too if that's what it takes. Mama

FEBRUARY - 07's advances...

• O7-000001 moved closer.

MARCH - New apartment...

• Mbaet aqoh sir bsta mbaet di kayowh skn... Bsta sir 1st tym ko kya sarapn nyo phowz a... Hehe. BJ

APRIL - Still trying to move-on...

• I'm not hurt but I couldn't let go just yet. (Mention - inspired poem by Eternal Wanderer)
• Salamat naman sa BB P. for the diversion.
• PS: I love musicals. I wish I could just cue to a song and dance number whenever it strikes me. Back-up dancers, singers, confetti and all...

MAY - Some much needed going-away and finally facing what happened...

• Buti pa si Mommy, may asenso.
• In BKK 
• Sh*t. Nothing hurts like being lied - to your face. 

JUNE - Blog turned play...

• I'm just glad something still comes up from all my mess here.

JULY - Trying out 07...

• But 07 is not HE. Plain and simple. I look at him and he's not...

AUGUST - Back with HE and paranoia with J...

• And ME always knew HE would be welcomed back - no questions... No pretensions...
• I think I'm keeping J. HE said
• But I know I can take more blows from HE - i'll let ME bruise and bleed 'till I'm numb...

SEPTEMBER - Still paranoid...

• You tell me you love me, on the same breath you tell me that you care for another man!

OCTOBER - Almost worked out again...

• I'm going to work hard to deserve you again. HE said suddenly
• But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.
• But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:

                   1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
                   2. Martyrdom.

• Look, don't make your own ghosts son. Mama added when ME did not reply. And those doubts - they're gonna eat you alive like parasites do. So save yourself the trouble and just think of the good things.  Mama

NOVEMBER - Endings...

• ME's making a mark on ME's territory so them b*tches better not step the line.
• Sure I might be acting from impulse and sure I will have regrets but I can deal with HE or J and whatever they become but me, it would be hard for me to deal with a Self that I don't like.
• I stood up - it was time to walk away.
• Pero kulang pa rin ako para sa'yo. Akala ko hindi na masakit - pero ang sakit sakit pa rin.

DECEMBER - Little bouts of happiness...

• Yeah, I guess there's not a right time to be happy - you just are sometimes.

-o0o-

I bet my year was as full as yours. Here's a little peek at my life outside this blog:

• Got promoted this year (on my full time job)
• One of the photos I took got published recently
• First time in Ilocos, Coron, CDO, Zamboanga, General Santos and Thailand this year
• And I'm back to teaching courses on my first love - Philosophy
• Gained two inches around the waist

-o0o-

Let me take this chance too to say THANK YOU to you. This blog and your (silent/vocal) comments have comforted ME during all the hullabaloos that happened...

Here's to our attempts at life!

The Right Time...

Just a couple of random things...

-o0o-

Someone's been making me happy lately...

It may be tad superficial for now but he really helps a lot in distracting me from thinking too much about things...

Its just really pure fun - the clean one at that...

And it got me thinking, when's the right time to be happy?

I know, you're thinking, wala naman - your happy when you are.

It's just that, I feel a little guilty.

But hey, I'd rather have that than anything else.

And I've been buying an average of two pairs of shoes for the last three weeks as therapy.

Sue me.

-o0o-

I met SHE and the twins this Sunday to exchange gifts over lunch.

The twins were asking why HE was not there.

SHE conveniently said its because Manny had a fight and the twins bought it.

When we had time alone, SHE said bluntly: You ruined him you know.

I resent that. I replied.

But not more than I think he ruined you. SHE continued.

Do I looked ruined? I asked SHE.

Yes. SHE said.

I look defeated, but not yet ruined - I think. I smiled.

I'm kidding - you look perfectly fine. Nag-li-Likas ka na ulit no? SHE said

We laughed.

And just for the record, don't you dare break-up with me. SHE said just before the twins joined the table again.

I smiled - my heart enlarged and it burst with a gazillion smileys.

-o0o-

Yeah, I guess there's not a right time to be happy - you just are sometimes.

Enough...

I am never enough.

I try to be.

I can be less intelligent.

I can fight the urge to correct your subject-verb agreements and your tenses (you know very well how hard that is).

I can like the movies you see even if I forget the whole plot the next day.

I can change my playlist to the songs you listen to.

I dress down because you should look better.

I put on perfume because you like smelling it.

I learned how to fry and can learn to cook.

I can wax my b*lls and *rse (f*ck that hurt!).

I can bend over like crazy, kneel like there's no tomorrow, walk with my hands,  have my wang hang in balcony just because you wanna try outdoor s*x.

And I love your family like I love mine.

And I can believe your lies.

And I can hold on to your word like I hold on to life.

And I love you despite.

Pero kulang pa rin ako para sa'yo.

Akala ko hindi na masakit - pero ang sakit sakit pa rin.

                   The winner takes it all
                   The loser standing small
                   Its simple and its plain 
                   Why should I complain?

PS: Time's a b*tch: its too fast when your happy and it's dragging when your not.

Of Walking Away...

You'll get blood in your eyes. I said as HE attempted to wipe HE's face with his injured hand.

HE looked at me, tears flowing from HE's eyes.

What would you have me do? HE struggled to say.

I never saw HE this vulnerable. I have seen HE cry but not like this - not like the world is about to end.

I touched HE's face and wiped the tears with my thumbs.

Kailan lang, ikaw ang nagpupunas ng luha ko. I struggled to smile. 

-o0o-

Ayaw mo na? HE said when I asked HE to talk about us.

Ayaw ko, na hindi na kita masasagot ng "mahal din kita." I replied.

Hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng sagot. HE said.

But I'm giving it anyway. I replied again

Si J ba? He was a mistake and I should have known better than to leave you. If I need to apologize everyday - gagawin ko. HE said.

Let's go away - where you can be secure. You can have my phone. Alam naman ni SHE number mo.  HE continued.

I was silent.

P*tang ina Kaloy! Say something! HE raised his voice in fury like never before.

This? Us? Your throwing us away!  HE pushed me against the wall.

HE looked at me intensely, HE's breath is heavy, both arms enclosing me - palms against the wall.

Argh! HE shouted and punched the wall.

My head shook with the impact.

HE touched his forehead with mine.

Please stay. Please stay. HE whispered.

I would make everything right - just stay please. HE's tears trickled down my face.

Your hands, let me look at it. I finally said.

-o0o-

I will be here for you like SHE is. I started after cleaning HE's hands.

But I cannot commit to the same relationship. Not anymore - not now. I continued.

And not with me. HE said.

I pursed my lips.

We had more than a good run and I don't want us to run into ruins so while we are good... I attempted to finish the sentence.

So while we're good, maghiwalay na lang tayo... HE continued.

I hugged HE tight.

Remember that night I found out about SHE. I started whispering in HE's ear. I clearly remember what you said: YOU and I - we'll be okay.

Separately - we'll be okay separately. HE whispered back. 

I hugged him tighter. 

Thank you for everything. I said and I kissed HE's hands.

I stood up - it was time to walk away. 

-o0o-

I love HE and that'll never change.

And I know I will be there for HE when I need to be there - like a friend.

But for now, here's to moving forward.

Cheers!

Not ME Anymore...

This and this and even this are not ME.

I'm turning into someone I don't like and I guess that just draws the line for me.

I've told a good friend I have to choose by the end of the year what's really best for me, but why wait?

Sure there's hope for things to be better or at least for things to go back to  the way they used to be but prolonging the choice won't make it any more right or wrong.

A decision needs to be made now and I'm choosing me.

My relationship with HE should make us both better persons but with the way things are, looks like its not turning out that way for me.

I don't want a culture of distrust.

I don't want to be the confrontational b*tch.

And I don't want to fight for lost battles anymore.

Sure I might be acting from impulse and sure I will have regrets but I can deal with HE or J and whatever they become but me, it would be hard for me to deal with a Self that I don't like.

So here goes.

No, ME's different...

Kid, don't confuse sex with love. Hindi porke tinitira ka niya mahal ka na niya - don't delude yourself with false hopes. ME talking to J.

That *ss - wait, b*tch's the better term - that B*TCH needs to hear a piece of my mind and so a piece of my mind he did hear.

Wala akong ginagawa. J

Meron, ang obvious mong maglandi. ME

Kanino? J

Please! Spare me. Stay away from my man. ME

I am, siya ang pagsabihan mo. And please, don't go directly bashing on me when you haven't even had any retrospect why he would consider me again. J

Natigilan ako. Hindi ko masabing it's not about what HE wants but the fact that HE's in a relationship and that J should be decent enough to stay away.

Karma -you wouldn't want that J. I wouldn't want that too. Look, I'm hoping your a good guy and I'm pretty sure you know where I'm coming from so just stop. ME

The line went dead.

-o0o-

Bastos si J. Plain and simple.

Ang p*ta harap harapang nang-aagaw. Wala siyang pakialam if HE's with ME - panay ang landi niya kay HE - ang kiri! 

HE's in Baguio this week and lo and behold J's post: I'm so urging to watch Breaking Dawn - kahit sa Baguio pa!

ME knows: why does J know HE's in Baguio?

ARRGHHHHHHH!

ME just really needed to confront J.

-o0o-

Hindi ako nang-agaw at kahit kailan, hindi ko masisikmurang mang-agaw. 

ME would never deliberately ruin somebody else's relationship.

ME knows where I stand and how to stand where I am. 

ME's not being self-righteous, but ME can staunchly say that ME have not broken SHE and HE's marriage or relationship. Largely because ME was dealing with adults who have come terms with their individual decisions.

But J, that stubborn piece of - arrggghhhh - does not know any decent bounds. 

J's young and vulnerable and is very much ideal. He does not have the scars that ME do nor the wounds ME's trying to heal. ME's just hoping against hope he would not have them but if J persist - ME's very much willing to inflict them.

No that is not a threat.

ME's making a mark on ME's territory so them b*tches better not step the line.

The Good Things...

Why'd you hold on for so long? ME asked Mama

Mahal ko e - what other reason do we have? Mama

ME am home for the long weekend to visit our dead and the living too - I guess.

Ganun ka-simple? Hindi ka ba nababaliw kaka-isip? ME

Kaka-isip sa? Mama asked while getting canned tuna from the grocery we were in.

When dad goes out for days or comes home late or when his excuses are not logical? ME answered

Where is this coming from - your questions? Mama

Uhmmm - from ME? They're coming from ME? ME joked

Boy trouble e? Mama

ME just smiled.

I got used to my doubts. Ganun lang yun - I learned to live with them and just focused on the good things. Mama said

Look, don't make your own ghosts son. Mama added when ME did not reply. And those doubts - they're gonna eat you alive like parasites do. So save yourself the trouble and just think of the good things. 

Like what good things? ME finally said

Like he comes home to me despite. Mama started

Like the "good mornings," "good nights," and "have-you-eatens." ME added

Like the way he provides for you and our family. Mama

Like the time he always gives despite. ME

Like the fact that you have legitimate status. Mama

Like the way he attempts to make a valid excuse. ME

Mama and ME giggled a little on the last one.

There - go back to those things when you're not sure. And I know there's a lot more. Mama reiterated

I will Ma. ME answered back.

Okay. Now pay for our grocery. Mama demanded.

Ah, yun na pala role ko. ME laughed.

You are going to be ok. Mama looked straight into ME and concluded.

I know - anjan ka e. ME finished.

Mama squeezed my hand.

Home is really something...

Holding on...

It's getting worse. ME can't think of anything else but HE's possible indiscretion with J. Saw J post this:

'Masakit tawaging kabit! But is it my fault if he likes me? Siguro, he's happier with me - hindi naman siya maghahanap kung talagang mahal ka niya!'

ME never called J 'kabit' but with HE's apparent admission that HE's with ME (and J knows that) ME can't help but think something-something is going on - again. Even more, the post preceded a picture of a condom.


Bastos siya! P*&^%$%# niya - BASTOS SIYA!


ME wanted to confront HE again: Did you have s*x with J?  ME started to SMS.

But ME didn't send it - ME promised HE to try not being paranoid.

ME's affording him all the benefits of a doubt.

But ME needed release and drafted a tweet: P*&^%$@#!+ mga kabit kayo! 

ME stopped.

Read the tweet again.

Sh*t, ME's part of that group.

What right do ME have to judge J when ME is exactly like him.

ME do not understand what or how to feel anymore.

Is this really the price ME have to pay for all of this?

Double sh*t.

But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:

1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
2. Martyrdom.

And it is clear as well what ME is going to choose.

Triple Sh*t.

 I need SHE.

I need my mom.

And I need HE most.

Sh*t infinity.

Duda...

Its either I'm paranoid or I'm insecure.

-o0o-

ME can't help but stalk J - if there's even a hint that HE is still communicating with him.

The other day, I found a post similar to what J posted when ME messaged him to talk about HE last year before the confrontation: Hindi ako nakikipagkumpetensiya sa'yo. Insecure ka lang - kawawa ka naman, walang gamot diyan.

ME froze.

Then ME called HE - twice and it were all unanswered.

ME texted: Why are you not answering my calls?

After two hours, HE replied: Nag-gym ako.

HE called.

Paranoid ka na naman. HE

What is it this time. HE continued.

J - you still communicate? ME

No. Galit yun sa akin. HE

Okay. ME

I'm really also trying very hard to not get paranoid, so give me time too. ME  added.

What do I have to do? HE

I need you to constantly assure me that I should not be paranoid or get doubts. ME

Done. At 'wag masyadong paranoid - hindi healthy. HE

Wen. ME said

-o0o-

ME is insecure. J is really guwapo and ME's pretty sure there's a little more something-something J can do in bed - HE would not consider (to the least) a physical relationship with him if not.

Ano bang gamot sa insecurity? Ay oo nga, wala nga daw sabi ni J.

Sh*t.

So this is how it feels to have a constant cloud of doubt on your head.

ME's really trying hard to fight them. But at times, it just gets really strong that you're convinced that something is wrong and that your doubts - your gut feelings - are right.

ME guess ME just have to try harder.

But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.


Sigh.

-o0o-

The next day, HE changed his profile picture.

And every time ME's in doubt, ME looks at the profile picture.

Here's to facing our own insecurities and other ghosts.

Of Choosing...

HE chose.

HE chose ME.

HE chose US.

-o0o-

You're not going out? ME asked HE

Its was 'that' day and HE should be with J.

HE smiled.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be. HE said

What about J? Is he sick? ME said

Hindi naman. HE said

ME looked at HE without saying a word.

I'm going to work hard to deserve you again. HE said suddenly

My face was blank but what HE said meant the world to ME.

And J? ME can't help but ask.

No relationship beyond physical. And I can work on that if you don't want to. HE said.

I don't want to. ME said outright.

J is different as HE considered a relationship with him so ME don't want HE with him even on a physical level - that's ME marking my territory.

Okay. HE said simply. Now cook me some bacon please. HE added.

ME smiled.

ME's heart did cartwheels.

Thank you. ME mouthed to HE.

I love you. HE mouthed back.

-o0o-

Here's to never loosing faith and fighting for your heart's desire.

Like JD Torres...

Image edited by ME but lifted from:  http://www.phstars.com/gallery/2012/08/the-mistress-publicity-photos/john-lloyd-cruz-5/ 

You tell me you love me, on the same breath you tell me that you care for another man!

-o0o-

ME could tell HE this... Perhaps.

My Business...

Have you told SHE? ME asked HE

No. HE simply said

Why? ME probed

Me and you is SHE's business. J and me is your business. HE replied

I want to say "no." ME softly said

No to what. HE inquired

You keeping J. ME

HE stared at ME in silence.

But I know I'll lose you if I don't agree to this. ME said tearing up.

I'm hurting you that much - aren't I? HE said noticing my tears.

ME looked at him, tears now falling uncontrollably from my eyes. ME was about to say something but ME just bit my lip. ME don't think ME would be comprehensible when talking while sobbing.

HE then held my face and wiped my tears with his thumbs.

I know. I know. I'm sorry. HE

And ME just cried my heart out.

Ssshhhhhhhh. HE said softly. Don't you ever forget that you are also my business. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. Mahal na mahal kita... HE continued.

And J? ME finally asked.

I'll do what I can. HE said.

-o0o-

I'm a mess - gawd!

But I know I can take more blows from HE - i'll let ME bruise and bleed 'till I'm numb...

I'm sorry...

Empathy...

You always have an umbrella with you - why'd you get wet? ME over dinner and referring to the night I sa HE at my doorstep

Why did you let me in? HE asked

Kasi basa ka. ME said.

Exactly. Its called a contingency plan - I had to have a plan so you'll let me in. HE grins at me.

Good plan. ME smiled.

ME loves these moments - when we just sync together.

ME continued eating and the food tasted sublime. It was sauteed corned beef. Funny how simple everyday food or routine become suddenly an explosion of wonderful things when your happy.

Then HE looked at ME - pursed lips.

I think I'm keeping J. HE said

The corned beef turned sour and bitter automatically.

ME looked at him.

Hindi yan paalam no? ME

HE shook his head.

God - is this how HE told SHE? Is this how SHE felt?

There were a million things running on my mind but ME don't have the comprehension of what was happening or what should ME do.

So ME just nodded. 

And we were silent again.

On the 9th Day...

Its been raining for 6 days straight but that didn't stop ME from going home. My Ate is having her baby christened and ME'll be ex-communicated if ME don't show up.

Home was haven to say the least. Crispy tinapa in the morning. Spicy pinapaitan then some authentic pinakbet in the afternoon . And grilled okra, talong at tilapia at night.  Heaven.

ME was planning to go home on the 8th day of rain but my Mama bribed with with crispy dinuguan (yeah, ME likes my food crispy). Weak as  I am - I agreed.

It was nice doing Tito duty for my niece. She's an angel - let's see years from now what she'll turn into. Hehe.

-o0o-

9th day of rain, ME hailed a bus at 3PM. It was a seven-hour ride back to the Metro. 

ME missed my stop at Paramount and just alighted at the bus station. I hailed a cab.

The usual 15-minute cab ride turned into an hour because streets were starting to get flooded.

I got to the apartment. Climb the usual flight of stairs.

And saw HE sitting - his back against my door.

HE was drenched.

ME went to the door. 

HE looked up and stood. 

ME opened the door, turned the lights on and looked back.

HE did not attempt to come in.

I stretched my hands and he took it.

HE went straight to the bathroom and automatically, ME went to the room - got hold of a towel, boxers, and a shirt. ME opened the bathroom - it was unlocked as usual.  ME hanged the towel and clothes and went out.

ME turned the stove on, opened a canned soup and heated it.

HE went out of the bathroom and went straight to the room to put the towel in its usual rack.

We ate the soup in silence. HE washed the dishes as usual.

ME proceeded to the room.

ME felt HE's arms embrace me after a while.

And we slept.

-o0o-

The 10th day of rain was the worst. Work was suspended. HE and ME just stayed home and watched the news. We went through the day like what we usually do - together in the couch. 

It was awkward at first like a first date but then HE held my hand and squeezed it and it just felt like home again.

-o0o-

There were no apologies. There was just silence. 

And that silence was all we needed for now.

I guess ME always knew HE was coming back.

And ME always knew HE would be welcomed back - no questions... No pretensions...

So here goes again... 

Of Trying

I tried. I honestly did. ME

Oo, pero if it was real, you didn't even have to try in the first place.  O7

-o0o-

O7-000001 (07) finally graduated last April. 

And being their class instructor for recruitment, I was the go-to for interview tips and getting-employed tactics. 07 was the first to ask for a dummy interview.

Puntahan na lang kita sir. Nakakahiya naman sa'yo. o7

You know my availability, after work or Sundays. ME

Bukas ng gabi na lang sir, sa susunod na araw na interview e. At alam ko - SM North tayo. 07

Haha. ME

Yeah, I'm hands-on with my students (no pun intended). Especially with their course, mentoring and coaching is essential.  

-o0o-

First I did was check the resume. Fresh grad - 'nuff said.  

Then the mock interview. Yadah-yadah...

So Mr. 07, do you have any questions. ME

How did I fair sir? 07

I was not impressed. Although, you could try applying again after 6 months. ME (being the employer)

07 looked at me, grinned, leaned over and gave the softest kiss.

Not even now? 07

I shook my head.

07 let out a chuckle and he leaned in for a second kiss. Still soft but it lingered that I had to close my eyes.

Ano manager na ba? 07

Haha. Mga balak mo talaga. ME

Then one kiss lead to another then the next thing you know we were ready for round four. 

Spell tig-ang: M-E

07 was not a pleaser but he prolonged everything that it made ME feel like he genuinely wanted it to last. At bolero pa rin kahit sa kama.

He's the smoothest so far. Gawd. Just gawd. He's the type of guy that you'd c*m just looking at him.

-o0o-

We did the usual stuff: dinner/movie dates and Sundays at home cooking. It was a comfortable set-up. 

But 07 is not HE. Plain and simple. I look at him and he's not...

07 deserves a better reason which I cannot give. I just needed a right-now guy. Bad ME - akala mo naman kung sinong anak ng Diyos. 

I could have prolonged it - God knows I'm a great actor. But,  it would be unfair - although 07 was (I think) more than willing to, I would just end up forcing him to be like HE. 

And 07 was right - if there was something, I need not try.

-o0o-

But we remain friends. I am hoping and praying its with benefits. LOL!

Epilogue...

As an epilogue to the way things were and my life as a kabit - we have decided to make the material here into a play.

LOL!

-o0o-

I'm FINALLY handling the Humanities classes and part of the requirement is that they come up with a play.

I've provided some of the materials here in the blog to them (sige na nga, I've provided the script. hehehe).

Its just going to be a simple play and a low-budget production - all are monologues which were intertwined to weave the story of HE, SHE and ME.

No big expectations from my freshies but I'm excited to see  how they treat the material.

Play's slated on September. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.

-o0o-

I'm just glad something still comes up from all my mess here.

Tan Gee A...

When ME was in grade school, my adviser would comment every time one of us would get the wrong answer to her recitation question:  "Ay! Kakaasi met, tan-gee-a!" (Ay, Kawawa naman, tanga). She would stress the "g" sound so its less obvious, but we all know anyway what she meant.

Tanga - yan ako. ME can easily neglect all forms of rationality when it comes to HE. Sabi ko nga kay SHE dati: Kilala ko sarili ko. Alam ko na papaniwalaan ko lahat ng sinasabi niya kahit ibang-iba na ang nakikita at nararamdaman ko. I'll believe what's convenient for me to believe.

You see, HE lied and cheated. It took ME until now to finally acknowledge that.

There were the late night texts and calls. ME dismissed them as business because HE said so.

There was less sex. ME dismissed that natural for a couple because HE said so.

There were band-aid-covered-love marks. ME dismissed that as allergies because HE said so.

ME knows what it is.ME wasn't born yesterday but ME chose to hold HE's words for it. Tang gee a.

Third quarter last year, HE went to Japan for a business trip. When HE came back, HE said HE's just dropping by to give ME's pasalubong and HE's going straight to SHE's as HE missed the twins. ME was definitely okay with that - nothing suspicious.

But then the next day, posted all over his Facebook wall was a tagged picture of an all-too-familiar pasalubong - Japanese box, with a native biscuit, 2 Meji chocoloates, a shirt... My pasalubong box contained native biscuits and SOCKS!  Yun lang! P*t*ng *n*ng medyas yan! Siya may t-shirt na may chocolates pa! Ako medyas? T*ng *n* kaya kong bumili ng sampung p*t*ng *n*ng medyas!

But what gave ME the death blow was a letter that came with it... My heart stopped beating - ME knows the handwriting and the manner with which it was written in the stationary - ME have about 30 of them from HE.

The next day HE texted: Good Morning!

ME replied: Good morning din sa inyo ni Jefrey...

HE: O - bakit si Jepot?

ME didn't reply.

HE: Ah - si Jef -  bading yun - kabarkada ko sa trabaho - barkada ko na nung college pa...

ME didn't reply.

HE: Bakit nagseselos ka sa kanya? O baka type mo - yaan mo bgay ko number mo sa kanya...

ME still no reply.

HE: Yan nabigay ko na number mo, hintayin mo text nya...

ME was crying now. And no Jefrey did not text.

We did not speak for a week.

Then for 2 weeks.

When we finally spoke - HE denied everything and ME wished I could believe every excuse - but I know... I wished I didn't, but I know that HE's not telling me the truth. I've been here countless of times and I've developed an infallible instinct for it.

Sh*t. Nothing hurts like being lied - to your face.

This song just hit it:

       What am I gonna do
       When the best part of me was always you
       And what am I suppose to say
       When I'm all choked up and you're okay


This specially is true the last time ME saw them together.

Pero hanggang ngayon, what remains from all the broken pieces is a voice at the back of my mind echoing: P*t*ng *n*ng medyas!  Sh*t!

Hit ME...

In BKK tonight 'til Tuesday... Hit ME with places to go, food to eat and people to do... Yey!

Make-over...

This is another remember this post.

-o0o-

Visited Mommy (ME's lola) last Holy Week.

Yung CR nya dati ganito:

Ngayon, ganito na:

Buti pa si Mommy, may asenso.

Hahahaha.

If my Life were Songs...

HE tried calling.

7-9 missed calls, HE gets the idea that I didn't want to pick up.

HE texted.

Just to talk. You know I miss you. HE

I fought the urge not to text HE back.

But ME replied with Gago, its my *ss you miss. 

Yeah, and that. HE replied.

I miss your *ss too... ME

Hahaha. You were always funny K. HE

Then this popped in ME's head:

Funny Girl is my all time favorite Barbra film tied with The Way We Were - I cry every time.

And if anything good came out with HE's text, its that ME can finally sing my heart out to my all time favorite scene in the movie like a diva.

You see, ME is a funny guy... sige na nga - girl! Although I'd like to think ME's witty - not funny. The song, though it struck a handful of chords before, hit the home run with ME when HE texted.

I know HE wants to have the HE-SHE relationship with ME but other that the two of us, there's no other bond that necessitates further communication. We don't have kids.

ME texted back: What for? Talking I mean.


I saying sorry and you forgiving me. Hehehe. HE answered

Then automatically, ME pushed a play button and ME was at a cliff:

I don't want to talk. ME replied.

HE didn't text back.

It would be a lot easier on my part if HE doesn't text back or text at all or call forever.

That would do me good.

PS: I love musicals. I wish I could just cue to a song and dance number whenever it strikes me. Back-up dancers, singers, confetti and all...

I Just have to Answer... V2

Remember this?

Gusto ko lang matunawan ulit.

BB P. Question was: If you were President for a day, what would you do?

ME: I think I would only have time for my inauguration so I guess I'll just give a kick*ss speech that would move people to action and convince them that they can make a difference for themselves. I think that's all anyone can do in a day. THANK YOU ARA NEY TAH!

That was may exact answer at the time the question was given (like always). Hehehe.

PS: They always have a problem with putting on the crown - they should innovate on it say have a crown that automatically tightens (like rubber) around the head... Salamat naman sa BB P. for the diversion. Lets go Monday!

Heavy...

Suddenly my weight was too much for me to bear that I had to hold on to something.

I was fighting tears like trying to hold damn water in place.

Damn.

-o0o-

Regular day. Regular route going home.

Then I saw HE. 

HE looked great - better than last ME saw him. 

Every strand of hair was in place, his clothes fit him to the detail, HE was exuding a god-like aura - like he knew he looked good without trying, basta ang pogi pogi nya...

And so was the guy who was with him.

Boom.

They looked perfect.

HE wrapped his arm around the guy's shoulder and whispered something.

The guy laughed and then HE laughed.

And then, they looked perfect for each other.

Boom.

ME hid and entered the closest store I could manage to see before HE could turn around and see me.

I watched them proceed to the cinema level - HE's arm still wrapped around the guy's shoulder.

How could HE? ME thought. Alam naman niyang mall ko 'to. Then ME realized how stupid that thought was. Pipigilan ko siyang mag-mall o lumabas ng bahay kasi makikita ko siya? Stupid. 

-o0o-

I just wanted to get home - and get home fast.

But traversing the man-bridge to get home was suddenly a feat.

I held on to the railings and put all my weight into lifting my feet.

But its not just my legs that were heavy but my heart. 

I had to clench my fist and pound on it - I thought it could shake it up a bit and distribute the weight but to no avail.

Then I realized, it was just heavy - my heart was just heavy.  There was no prickling pain that stabs my heart this time. There was no feeling of a thousand needles pinching in orchestrated timing. It was just heavy.

Bakit ganun?

I figured that perhaps the weight was from still hanging on. All the excess baggage on what-ifs and what-can-i-dos to win HE back are all weighing me down. And seeing HE with another guy just made it heavier somehow. 

I'm not hurt but I couldn't let go just yet.

I just hope this lenten season brings me much needed perspective.

Here's to lifting whatever weight we are carrying.

Sigh.

Moving...

Gusto mo ba? It was some stranger.

I just stared. Then I was tempted.

-o0o-

So I finally moved to a 6-storey apartment building and the flat is on the 5th floor. Occupants are mostly families, there's a minimum association due for common area maintenance, a computer shop and receiving area is comfortably located in the mezzanine, and there are no elevators. I'm behind a church and a hospital, near a 7-11 and two major malls and railway systems. So far so good.

Namahay ata ako on the first few nights, and since I took up smoking again, I chimney-ed to my heart's content. There was no smoking on the floors and I didn't want to stench the apartment so I decided to go down. 

I sat on a plant box in front of the building. There were three boys sitting on the sidewalk across me - they were taking pictures of themselves from a cellphone. Two were about 5' and the other about 2 inches taller. They were wearing shorts and polo shirts. The taller one was wearing a baseball cap backwards - he was the cutest. Pero hanggang dun lang ako - appreciation. Hehe.

After a while they moved in front of a sari-sari store that's just a little farther from where I was sitting. One of them started teaching the other some dance steps. Ako, natuwa lang kasi ang lanky ng frames nila and they just looked wobbly while "dancing." Everything seemed legitimate naman: boys hanging out with friends ganyan. At least that was the original thought.

Then they decided to move again and walked pass me.

Gusto mo ba? One of the smaller boys muttered. He's one of the shorter ones - chinito-ish. He was not looking at me - he just kinda slipped the words conveniently while walking past me. I almost choked on my smoke.

The boys then went to a vending machine and stayed there while finishing off a shared cup of coffee. At this point I was staring at them - more like trying to catch eye-contact: I was making sure I was getting the right signals. And turns out, I was.

When they passed by me again I offered my cigarettes. One of the cuter boys obliged - si BJ. BJ introduced me to Bunso (not so cute) and Eli (the cutest with the backwards cap).

Non-stop yosi sir a. BJ said. 

Ah - oo, di ako makatulog e. ME

Taga dyan po kau sa building? BJ asked. He was the more talkative.

OO, kakalipat. Kayo? ME

Taga dyan po sa kabilang kanto. BJ

Eh anong ginagawa niyo dito? ME

Galing po kami dota jan sa may shop kanina sa taas 'tos tambay lang. BJ

Wala ba kayo pasok bukas? ME

Meron po pero okay lang. BJ answered as he smiled

Ilan taon na kayo? ME

Ako po 16, si Bunso 15 'tos si Eli 17 na. BJ

I knew it. It's like Recto all over. ME thought.

Ano po pala number niyo? BJ broke the silence.

Bakit mo naman tinatanong? ME

Para po tex-tex tayo. Jamming ganyan. Pero oks lang naman po kung ayaw niyo ibigay. BJ smiled and I saw he had perfect teeth.

I gave my number.

Si BJ phowz itow sir... Save nyo phowz no khow. BJ texted immediately (Note: If I posted the original text,  I think it would mean differently. I toned down the jejemon bit and just posted what I think he meant in the most basic jejemon style I know.)

Saved. Ano ibig mong sabihin kanina nung sinbi mong "gusto mo ba?" ME texted back.

Eeeee..... Kkhya phow sir - prng d nmn kc kayow gnuwn. BJ texted.

Hehe. Ano nga un? ME

S*x sir... Nkkhya po... Hehehehe. BJ

Pwede kayo? ME probing.

Opowh sir. Pro 1st tym k lng. BJ

I would've have wanted to illicit more answers but it was starting to turn me on and its not a good thing for ME. I want to - I was tempted to invite them for beer and a game of cards but my wiser self got the better of me. I admit, I hate it sometimes that I go all moral and nice. I wish I could just drop all concepts of right and wrong and for once adhere to pleasure as the only religion.

Sige, tulog na ako. Tex-tex na lang BJ. ME finally said to the group and they said goodnight too.

I opened my door, entered and then locked it form the inside.

Welcome to your neighborhood. ME said to myself with a little chuckle of amusement.

Sir, tapsi tayohw? It was a text from BJ and I got reaffirmed of what these kinds of boys want. I wanted to pity them but at the back of my mind, I know I contribute to whatever perception or mindset they have. The fact that I entertained them and tolerated whatever they were doing means I cannot be a hypocrite.

Di na ako pwede BJ, maaga pa work bukas. ME

Ah -ok sir. Bukas phowz pdi kyow? BJ

Tex kta kung pwede. ME

Mbaet aqoh sir bsta mbaet di kayowh skn... Bsta sir 1st tym ko kya sarapn nyo phowz a... Hehe. BJ

I didn't reply. And in the next few days BJ would consistently text after he finishes school in the morning and Eli would text too offering 700 for the two of them (YES, its that casual).

Naisip ko tuloy, am I such a magnet for barely legal twinks?  Hindi naman ako mukhang Kuya Germs pero lately, its the kids that ask me out for dates or otherwise offers something-something else. Andun na ba ako sa daddy ang peg? I'm used to be the passive-immature partner with HE that just says yes. I don't think I can handle being the driver... I'm very much tempted though with fresh meat. 

Not Another Student Please...

Remember this?

-o0o-

Nasa school ka na?  O7-000001. It was 3 AM

Papunta pa lang. ME

Ok. See you.  O7-000001

I forgot that he was a student leader and was required to participate in the University's strategic planning.

No. Definitely No. ME said to myself in a mantra.

-o0o-

It could not happen and will not happen, whatever it is that's supposed to happen. Why?

1. All faculty are there.
2. All faculty are there.

The school director would have my head if ever we were caught.

-o0o-

I love my job. I love my job. I repeated to myself as I entered school

I went straight to the faculty room where several professors were already waiting.

K Sir P ako sakay mamya going to the venue - will save you a seat.  O7-000001 texted.

Naku,  Sir R already asked me to ride with him. ME replied.

Sir R haven't asked me. In fact, I did not even know his face. As I teach part-time only on weekdays, I do not interact or see the other faculty. Sir R was just the first name I saw in the roster posted on the wall.

May sasakyan na ba si Sir R?  O7-000001

Sh*t. ME thought

None, sakay kami dun sa rented van. ME defended

I assumed there was a rented van and good thing - there was. Whew.

-o0o-

We didn't interact much the whole day since we were in different working groups - ME was with the business group and   O7-000001 was with the rest of the student representatives.

It would have been smooth sailing but then, night came.

The room assignments were posted: the training team grouped ME with the students kasi daw baka ayaw ko maki-room sa matatanda na (they considered me a "young" faculty).

Naku Sir, kina  O7-000001 ka na lang kundi hindi ka talaga makakatulog sa hilik ni Sir R. Ms. B

Mas lalong hindi ako makakatulog kung katabi ko si   O7-000001. ME thought

And as fates would have it - ME was right: I did not sleep that night, nor did   O7-000001.

-o0o-

ME went to the quarters and to our room when everyone were still out and about with swimming and drinking.

ME thought I could force myself to sleep and when O7-000001 does come to bed, ME would not notice.

ME was wrong.

My senses were all suddenly hyped.

I could hear every footstep and every door opening.

Sh*t. ME said to self.

And then O7-000001 came in.

I shifted to my side and faced the wall.

The lights were turned off.

Nothing.

No movement.

Okay. ME thought.  Maybe he'll behave.

ME was again wrong.

O7-000001 embraced ME. But his fists were clenched - there was hesitation.

ME pretended ME was asleep.

O7-000001 moved closer.

ME dared not move.

ME could feel everything that's needed to be felt in his body.

At varying points O7-000001 would touch my toes with his - waiting for a signal.

ME was tempted.

O7-000001 would also move his hand towards his privates and "gear" it to a more comfortable position as he was really growing already. He would brush my butt in the process.

We went like this for what seemed like forever: O7-000001 dry humping and ME just laid there like a log.

He would attempt to reach my (also growing) privates but thank God there was a pillow in between my legs.

He would also blow soft air at my back - it sends shivers but I persevered and thought of naked girls and boobies instead.

Siguro along the way O7-000001 got tired and shifted to his side of the bed.

ME was relieved.

-o0o-

O7-000001 cannot be.

ME have convinced myself that its wrong.

And hopefully, with my log-ish behavior to his advances - he gets the idea already.

Self-control.

Blue balls though...

And just eww on the whole boobies bit.

A Family of Stubborn Hearts...

Anong problema? It was my Mama

What? 

Don't play dumb with me. There are only 2 instances when you slept over after you moved out: 
1. When you ran out of cash for your rent and were too proud to sleep in an 'unpaid for' accomodation and 
2. When this (ponting to my chest) is in trouble. Mama

I ran out of cash... 

Sino niloko mo? Mama

-o0o-

ME needed to be somewhere else as the apartment ME rented will only be vacant this Feb.

ME decided to stay with my mom for the moment.

-o0o-

You wouldn't understand. ME

Like I dont understand you like men? Mama

ME was shocked - like a wave of electricity ran through my veins.

I know. We mamas know. I just didn't think you were obligated to tell because well, I'm not obligated to tell you I like men too. Besides, kaya nga may maternal instincts kami para you won't have to tell us anything. Mama

ME just smiled.

So it's boy trouble then? Mama

My iba na sya. ME

My mama rose from her chair and walked away.

I was left confused.

Baka she was not ready to hear... ME thought

Just when ME was about to leave the kitchen...

O san ka pupunta? Mama

O - akala ko di mo matake kaya walk out ka. ME

I'm never that dramatic son. Mama

Here, look at this and tell me the odd man out.  Mama still.

It was our family picture.

Anong odd man out? Naiiba? ME

Last I checked, that's the tagalog translation. Mama

ME stuck my tongue out to her.

Your unbelievably bright yellow shawl? ME

Man nga eh - not object. Mama

ME smiled.

Me? ME said

Why you? Mama

Because I'm the only one person in the picture that's color coordinated and is smizing. ME

Yeah, you do stand out. Pero other than that? Mama

Just tell me. ME

Me. Mama

Ikaw? ME

The last I checked... Mama

I know... I know... ME interrupted.

Bakit nga ikaw? ME continued.


Look at you and your sisters, you have all of your dad's features, except you, who have your lola's nose. Other than that you didn't get anything from me. Mama

Oo nga noh. So that's supposed to make me feel better? That we're not as classy as you look? ME mocked.

Hindi. Point is: yan (pointing at my chest again), yan, sa akin yan - your hearts are as stubborn as mine. Mama

You love until you can... Mama continued.

ME just smiled.

You ever thought how I am coping? Mama asked.

ME nodded.

I'm not. I still blame myself for driving your dad away from me - from this family. Siguro I could have shut up more o baka dapat mas nagtiis pa ako... Mama

ME tried to interrupt but...

Let me finish... I think we are those kinds of  people - those that selfishly blame ourselves for everything. Which is right at some point but  we should never deny that others contributed also. Siguro no matter how hard I tried not to talk, your dad would use my silence against me or kung nagtiis pa ako, he would have deemed it as approval... You see where I'm getting at? Mama

ME nodded.

That blame... that hurt will never go away. But I'm trying to learn to accept.  Accept that my one great love story is over... Now I just have to find a channel to exhaust and harness a  different kind of love. Mama

Oh god your dating?! ME

There's no problem if I was but I'm not. I meant you and your sisters - I channel my love to my kids. Kaya nga every now and then I ask you about plans for a family. Mama

ME remembered what SHE said.

I don't care if its with a guy. I just want you to experience the kind of love I have with you. Its something I couldn't describe pero that love is where I nestle myself in when its rough with your dad or with the rest of the world. Mama

ME didn't know what to say.

You are going to be fine because you have a heart like mine. And our hearts - they may break a thousand times but they mend a thousand times too if that's what it takes. Mama

We were silent for awhile.

You always know the right things to say. ME finally said and I hugged her like never before and waited for her to let go first.

-o0o-

ME will not rush into healing or a family but ME will visit my Mama more.

Here's to Mamas with stubborn hearts.

I thought...

...I was okay - but i'm not.

My heart crumbles everyday - like it was being deprived of air.

I can't bear it.

I started sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't be reminded of the empty space beside my bed - but the bed's still there...

I rid of all your things but then, I open the freezer and your bacon and SML and leche flan are there.

Every inch of me screams you and I can't muster enough energy anymore to pretend  to be okay.

I'm a mess.