Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Its either I'm paranoid or I'm insecure.


ME can't help but stalk J - if there's even a hint that HE is still communicating with him.

The other day, I found a post similar to what J posted when ME messaged him to talk about HE last year before the confrontation: Hindi ako nakikipagkumpetensiya sa'yo. Insecure ka lang - kawawa ka naman, walang gamot diyan.

ME froze.

Then ME called HE - twice and it were all unanswered.

ME texted: Why are you not answering my calls?

After two hours, HE replied: Nag-gym ako.

HE called.

Paranoid ka na naman. HE

What is it this time. HE continued.

J - you still communicate? ME

No. Galit yun sa akin. HE

Okay. ME

I'm really also trying very hard to not get paranoid, so give me time too. ME  added.

What do I have to do? HE

I need you to constantly assure me that I should not be paranoid or get doubts. ME

Done. At 'wag masyadong paranoid - hindi healthy. HE

Wen. ME said


ME is insecure. J is really guwapo and ME's pretty sure there's a little more something-something J can do in bed - HE would not consider (to the least) a physical relationship with him if not.

Ano bang gamot sa insecurity? Ay oo nga, wala nga daw sabi ni J.


So this is how it feels to have a constant cloud of doubt on your head.

ME's really trying hard to fight them. But at times, it just gets really strong that you're convinced that something is wrong and that your doubts - your gut feelings - are right.

ME guess ME just have to try harder.

But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.



The next day, HE changed his profile picture.

And every time ME's in doubt, ME looks at the profile picture.

Here's to facing our own insecurities and other ghosts.


  1. there is nothing wrong being insecure. i guess i can always say that because my insecurities sometimes get to the clouds.

    but i know all of us have our own demons to face, you can get insecure with one thing, but J is also insecure of you.

    1. Thank you LJ - esp. the last lines. it is now my official mantra. Hehe. But really, thank you for your words.

  2. wag mo madaliin sarili mo kaloy. ganyan ang syndrome ng lahat ng mga taong naloko ng mga jowa nila at nagbalikan ulit. hindi ka nag iisa kaloy. lahat sila ganyan.... lahat tayo. mas tumitindi yung defense mechanism ng isang taong nasaktan para maka-cope sa situation. pino-protektahan mo lang ang sarili mo. impulse. inevitable sa human beings. it'll pass. dapat nga talaga bigyan ka pa ng maraming panahon at oras ni HE but don't feel sorry for yourself for being paranoid. HE would've anticipated this. at wala siyang magagawa kundi tanggapin yun. ganun talaga eh. yan yung effect/resulta ng ginawa niya sayo at hindi dapat siya magreklamo or at least sabihan ka man lng ng paranoid kasi he did this to you.

    Lilipas din yan Kaloy kung ramdam na ng puso at isipan mong safe ka na talaga sa kanya. instincts eh. ganyan umiikot ang mundo. ganyan mag survive. ok lang yang ginagawa mo Kaloy at least kung may mahuli ka man ulit (wag naman sana) hindi na ulit ganun ka-sakit kasi masasabi mo sa sarili mong this time may ginawa ka na.

    sorry Kaloy ang strong na naman ata ng pananalita ko. ramdam na ramdam ko kasi ang nararamdam mo eh. i mean naiintindihan kasi kita and i only want the best for you.

    btw, ang issue dito eh its not about insecurities its about security. ;)

    1. Salamat Russell. I find much comfort in your words - I am giving myself time and we're both working for that sense of security again.

      PS: Please don't ever feel the need to make your words soft or tame. I very much welcome them strong and true. :)

    2. Thanks din Kaloy. well, someone told me kasi na hindi nila bet yung mga ganyang unsolicited advice eh na trauma ako kaya simula nun lagi na ko nag so-sorry or nagpapaalam.

      all is well that ends well Kaloy don't worry :)

    3. to each his own i guess Russell, but here, feel free to say as you think. :)

  3. I see.

    Beeeks! Keri lang 'yan.
    Kelangan i-set na ang launch ng Project Balik Ganda ng Bongggang Bongga.

    Seriously, hndi ba lagi naman ganoon?
    When there is a challenge in a relationship, there are some people who "blame" themselves and see it partly their fault.

    paranoia and insecurities. These are words that try to be closest to what we feel. There's self doubt and self pity, a roller coaster ride of a broad spectrum of emoitions. lalo na ung mga downward spiral.

    At dahil may pagka-consequentialist ako, hano na? How do we grow back that confidence? These are the more pressing issues only you can answer.

    1. LanchiE! I cut my hair and had it colored - balik-ganda is in FULL SWING! Salamat sa suggestion!

      PS: Yeah, there are more pressing issues, but i'm doing the superficial muna - make-over! Hehe. :)

  4. maybe it's because you just don't trust HE anymore?

    1. Why do you always say the least and mean so much at the same time gillboard? I trust HE - I want to trust HE... I'm working on it.. :)

  5. I've had issues with my insecurities in my previous relationship, and trust me, it doesn't end well. Be happy with what you have. Be happy with who you are. He chose you and that's that. Don't let that bitch called jealousy win.

    1. I will ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ - salamat. Hay, jealousy's a b*tch talaga...

  6. As they say insecurities make the best or worst of a person. Use it to your advantage.

    1. I will guyrony - trying to weave them to make me better... Salamat. :)

  7. lilipas din yan... ramdam ko ung mga salita... ganyan talaga... wag lang susuko...

    1. Salamat JonDmur... Thank you for dropping a line and welcome to my attempts at life. :)