Relapse...

While I have been doing well for the past five-six months, there are still moments where I snap - relapses.

There are things that would remind me of you and automatically, my whole being reacts as if you were present at that same space and time with me.

And in that weakened moment I scanned your profile, you have one public image with J like you had one with me. That was one of your bravest moves - that was for only me , yes, for ME alone - before.

But you see, I wanted to torture myself more and scanned J's profile too.

You brought him to your province. Like you did me.

He met your childhood friends. Like I did.

You ate at the only place we ate on those special days.

And, as I have memorized it, you ordered the same chopseuy - that beef steak and the cheesecake you can never get in the city no matter how we hop from one pastry shop to the other. 

It must be the air that's different in the province that's making the blueberries taste better. You would conclude after each tasting. And I never got the heart to tell you they buy it in bulk at S&R per the chef.

And then I noticed something different from the last series of pictures - you were both wearing the same watch - like what we did. The silver stainless steel, the big dials over a deep blue background. You bought him the same watch you gave me.

I wished I was not affected - but I was.

My heart sank again.

My shoulders felt heavy.

I refused to breathe.

How can you be happy?

With what you did to me, you don't deserve to be - not yet.

I hate you.

Of Hopes...

How can I help? It was a text SHE

Cash or in kind - but we are prioritizing napkins, diapers and condoms. ME replied.

Consider it done. Where to drop? SHE

I could meet you or there's a drop-off at the College. ME

We'll meet naman later so i'll course it through you K. SHE

Salamat SHE. ME

-o0o-

How are you holding up? SHE asked. We were at our usual once-twice a month dinner dates.

Better. But I feel responsible. I have been with the project for three years and still, parang walang nangyari - we are as unprepared as ever. ME

I don't think anybody would be prepared for that large a scale. Give yourself some slack. SHE

Salamat - I know you mean for the best. But I really feel we could have done more. ME

We have and we will. SHE was trying to convince me.

-o0o-

You see, ME have been with an institution for the last years in capacitating communities [or at least attempt to] in preparing for disasters and climate change. And  Yolanda has been a pail of cold water (heck - a whole ocean even!] that drenched us into reconsidering our strategies for preparedness.

What have we not done?

What were we doing wrong?

What needs to be changed?

I have been working with our team on looking at structures, policies, initiatives or the lack thereof for the last week.

And I have been obsessed at trying to make sense of the unimaginable loss of life and property.

Everything has been harder to do:
...eat and drink because there are those who have not been eating and/or drinking for days
...put on clean clothes when others don't even have any
...wake-up when thousands don't anymore

And despair is everywhere - two of my students haven't heard from their families since 10 November. And while they are excused from class, they kept on attending instead because its the only piece of sanity they have left. Their classmates have been more than supportive.

Five of my colleagues traveled by land the day after as their families were also there.

But some glimmer of hope arise sometimes. A close friend's family is in Samar - they are okay but the sister is coming to Manila to pursue the rest of the semester as the Visayas Campus cannot function - not in the next months. Aside from the countless help for relief efforts - the fact that a person affected still has a firm hold of her future is inspiring.

-o0o-

We ate in silence.

Here. SHE finally uttered and slipped a plastic envelope across our table in between our Jobee 39ers.

That's about Php3,000 worth of 10 and 5 peso coins from the Twins. They were saving it for buying their friends Christmas gifts. SHE said smiling.

Kids noh, just when you think they are only thinking of themselves. SHE continued.

I almost could not contain myself and wanted to cry my heart out. I have read of kids giving their piggy banks for donations but when someone you know does it - its a euphoric experience. I bit my lip as hard just to suppress my about uncontrolled-hysteria for the Twin's act of kindness.

It would be too much to ask you to cheer up but hey, there is hope, with a generation like that of my kids - I have the greatest of hopes. SHE concluded.

-o0o-

There's still a lot to be done.

We must mourn but we must also do what we can - in however or whatever way we can.

Here's to igniting that fire of hope!

A Strategy for Love...

No, I am not an expert.

But I think I might have found a formula (or process) to finding an easy-breezy relationship and its no secret.

1. The other guy must love you more
2. Learn to love the other guy - maybe not in the same intensity, but love nonetheless

You know very well  where I'm coming from.

-o0o-

Love before M was altruistic and natural - it was not made or influenced - it just is. You love a person for no reason - you just love out of nowhere.

After M, I found that the better kinds of love are those that are learnt and nourished. For the first months with M, I thought he was just a guy that was a necessary intervention for me to move forward from He.

M was there for Me even if he does not know about He or what happened with He, M was there - he did not ask or attempted to intrude - he just made himself "there."

-o0o-

I was out for a week, I went from east to west coast (Pinas ha, not US) and had the chance to sleep only during travel time.

When I arrived, M was waiting. He got hold of my bags, prepared the bed and my clothes to sleep on. I slept early that night with a goal of waking up early the next day to fix my things.

And so I woke up with M's embrace. I kissed him softly on the lips and got up - M stayed in bed.

I went to the bathroom - the toiletries I brought for my travel were there, organized the way I would have organized it.

I stepped out of the bathroom, M was still in bed, and searched for my bag. It was in the closet, neatly tucked.

I looked at my hamper, it was empty - my guess is the clothes are hanging dry already. I went outside and there they were, my soiled clothes washed and swaying happily under the sun.

I stepped in, M was up, making coffee already. I stopped and looked at him.

He was wearing my boxers and an old college shirt. He yawned like it was the last thing he would do and scratched his head.

Saan ka galing? M finally noticed me and asked.

I smiled and did not answer his question. I moved forward instead and embraced him from the back.

Salamat. I whispered.

He turned around, placed his hands on my hips and kissed me.

I started tearing up. These little things he does - makes me believe in love again.

Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.

M was looking at me - he was surprised.

And then he smiled.

Basta ako ang naunang nagsabi niyan a - huwag mong kalimutan. M joked.

And we just stayed in that embrace for what seems like forever - for what I hope would be forever.

-o0o-

Here's to learning love!

On Violence and Gender Perceptions...

I have been busy with my own studies for the past months. It was a liberating experience - so much more than what I expected to be just a distraction from HE and the whole mess that is my life.

I was shown THIS post first before THIS post. This is how I answered:

Situation	Hetero	Homo	Justification
Orgy	Violence	Not	Gays are promiscuous, thus any kind of agreeing to an orgy suspends rights of preferences. How is this different from a woman? Just my bias that in a woman’s case, any kind of forced/unwanted sexual advance is rape or harassment – no matter how promiscuous the woman is.
1-Night Stand	Violence	Violence	I strongly feel that any kind of verbal slaughter (whether meant or not) that diminishes a person is a form of violence.
Partners/Married Couple	Violence	Not	Hetero-adultery is against the law thus, a form of violence.  Meanwhile, Homo-unfaithfulness is the norm.

Just for context, by "violence" we mean physical, verbal or psychological abuse. And by "abuse" we mean undue restriction of freedom.

From my answers, obviously, I have double standards. While I find all circumstances as violent for the Hetero, I have become selective with the Homo. I have varied reasons for this - I could not really point one life-factor but yeah, I discriminate.

Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!

On VAG (2)...

I urge that you read the FIRST post first (how redundant). :)

-o0o-

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 3 men and 2 women, 1 (Man) was eyeing 2 (Woman).

And in any group orgy of about 5, there is always an odd-member-out - that's 5 (Man).

3 (Man) & 4 (Woman) started getting it on.

2 (Woman) went down on 1 (Man).

1 (Man) was about to cum when 2 (Woman) went in for a kiss and 5 (Man) went in behind 2 (Woman) and started humping her from behind.

2 (Woman) had no desire for 5 (Man) and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabasan na naman siya at nagpaubuya ka na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are office mates.

2 (Woman) obviously like 1 (Man).

On a drunken birthday night, 1 (Man) and 2 (Woman) found themselves lying next to each other.

2 (Woman) searched for 1's (Man's) member, 1 (Man) willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 1 (Man) came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 1 suddenly said after dressing up. "Puta ka din e - papatulan kahit sino." 1 (Man) continued.

2 (Woman) enjoyed every bit of the moment and she feels like what 1 (Man) just said it to emancipate himself from the act that just happened as he had a girlfriend.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are married.

They would have been married for five years this year.

1 (Man) has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 (Woman) tolerated it - she made herself to think that she was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in any relationships.

2 (Woman) was always conscious that she looks good for 1 (Man), that she took care of 1 (Man) , that 1 (Man) should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 (Man) wanted to live with someone else, 2 (Woman) would not object and would wait until 1 (Man) decides to come back to her.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Women (VAW)? Did you have different answers on the first post? If yes, why'd you think so?

-o0o-

Note: I know this feels like a survey (its really not) but I would love  to have a little validation (or opposition) of what I have answered myself  and just to see our reflections on our conception of abuses.

Shout out to JM, Geosef, Gillboard and FiftyShadesOfQueer for your comments on the first post.

On Violence Against Gays (1)...

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 5 men, 1 was eyeing 2.

And in any group orgy of about 5 men, there is always an odd-gay-out - that's 5.

3 & 4 started getting it on.

2 went down on 1.

1 was about to cum when 2 went in for a kiss and 5 went in to s*ck 1's member.

1 had no desire for 5 and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabas na at napaubuya mo na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 & 2 are office mates.

1 is openly gay.

2 is discreet like i-haven't-accepted-myself-yet-as-gay-but-i-am-willing-to-have-sex-with-you

On a drunken birthday night, 1 & 2 found themselves lying next to each other.

1 searched for 2's member, 2 willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 2 came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 2 suddenly said after dressing up. "Kapag inulit mo pa ito, makatikim ka talaga ng hinahanap mo - bakal ka!." 2 continued.

1 enjoyed every bit of the moment and he feels like what 2 just said is to emancipate himself from the "gay" act that just happened.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 & 2 are partners.

They would have been partners for five years this year.

1 has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 tolerated it - he made himself to think that he was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in gay relationships.

2 was always conscious that he looks good for 1, that he took care of 1, that 1 should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 wanted to live with someone else, 2 would not object and would wait until 1 decides to come back to him.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Gays (VAG)?

On Farmer Boy...

M has been my rock and my wind and my water and my fire all at same time.

He has been very patient with me through and through.

He does not question the unanswered "I love yous" nor does he pressure me to give one.

There is some stoicism with M on how he makes himself be "there" - always present for me.

He's always there doing them little stuff like helping with the laundry and buying the earliest pandesal and waiting for me to finish my class and holding my bag and test papers and my hand...

M has been my sanity.

-o0o-

Sunday night, we were drinking gin mixed in green apple juice.

Hindi mo pa ako mahal. Naramramdaman ko yun. M said

I was stunned.

It was the truth.

Tumitingin ka pa din sa ibang lalaki kapag nasa mall tayo. Alam ko din my tinetex ka pa ding iba. M continued.

Pinagdasal kita sa Baclaran. Hiniling ko na sana ito na 'to pero nahihirapan ako kasi ako mahal kita - ako hindi mo mahal. M was sobbing now.

Hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko kung mawawala ka. M managed to continue.

I held his face on my palms.

Hindi ako mawawala. I started.

Pero hihilingin ko sayo na habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa akin. Hindi madaling magmahal at ayaw ko nang maramdaman yung sakit na gaya dati kasi hindi ko na kaya talaga. I continued.

M just nodded.

Kaya ko gustong umiinom tayo lagi kasi nasasabi ko 'to sayo lahat. M

Kaya pa ba? I asked

Yung alak o yung pagpapasensya? M answered

Yung sa alak, alam kong kaya mo pa. I said

Hindi ako bibitiw. Kahit na bumitiw ka. Saka pasensyoso talaga ako. M said.

I kissed him and in that moment I wanted to love him like what he deserves.

Hardened...

Being loved more than loving...

This is the lesson that I think I have refused to learn.

So to you:

I will no longer be your option or a choice among multiple others - I'll be the chooser.

I will not wait for you - I will leave.

You will not decide whether to keep me or not - I decide not to keep you.

You will not hurt me any more than you already have - I will stay out of your life and you in mine.

I will remember you - But I will create better memories.

I will stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong - It was a collective fault.

You were so many firsts - There'll be seconds for sure, but not with you.

We are a finished story - Reading 'us' again won't change the ending.

I will not love more - I will be loved more.

-o0o-

Before posting the entry above, I read it again and realized how hardened I have become. It seems that I have changed my values and have become so self-centered. 

I'ts a defense mechanism I guess. It's putting what I feel, my interests, above anyone's.  I feel I deserve to. I feel like its a natural inkling. I feel like its right.

I'm so scared that I would take extra precaution to guard myself from ever feeling that kind of pain again.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.

Life Cheats...

Nagcomment yung dati kong estudyante sa isang photo that I posted on FB of me and some good friends having dinner. It read:

"Lagi ka naman masaya sir e, may cheat ka ata... Hehehe."

Expert tayo jan. I thought. Expert tayo sa pagpapanggap.

Totoo naman. Ang galing natin - magaling tayong magmukhang masaya.

Our laughs have been practiced to authenticity.

Our smiles have been painted to perfection.

And our eyes have been polished to a shine.

That's us - acting (thinking) like its a crime to be unhappy - kasi nga dapat GAY di ba?

Kung nag-post ka ng happy activities, ng happy messages... Kung nakakaya mong mag-host ng event o mag-facilitate ng activity despite - iisipin nila okay ka na.

That you're not hurting because you're functioning like its business as usual.

But deep deep inside whatever's left of your heart - is a weakened spirit trying very hard to keep it all together - keeping it all in.

Maybe because you don't want HIM to see you defeated - even if you know you are.

-o0o-

I feel suffocated most days - I couldn't breathe.

I am tied on going out and run the risk of seeing HIM and the Other together.

My walls are caving in and my arms are too tired already to fight the force.

I am giving up.

Of Wills and Shoulds

My Husband's Lover. It was a text from SHE

No, I didn't have anything to do with it. ME said when SHE answered my call.

Good. Pero ang galing ha, kuhang-kuha. Hehe. Ang universal pala ng sitwasyon natin. SHE

Gaga! Hahahaha. Pero, yeah, there is some comfort in the fact na hindi tayo alone on this. ME

We both laughed.

How are you? SHE asked.

Still in the process. ME

Hirap pa din ano? SHE

Oo - I've reduced all this to surviving everyday na lang. ME

You will get through this. SHE

And you will too. Alam ko you go through all this process again and again and again with every new guy. ME

It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system. SHE

It was the first time ME felt SHE defeated. Like there was no choice but to suck it all in. But ME was not to judge.

I would hug you right now if I can. ME

But you, SHE continued, you can still escape all this and not get stuck in the cycle I'm in. 

I will. I should. ME answered. We should do dinner this week.

We will. We should. SHE

Gaya-gaya! Hahaha. O, you pick me up after your Baclaran. ME

Hahaha. See you! SHE

Ang strong-strong lang ni SHE. ME said to myself.

-o0o-

Here's to will and should!

Never Again...

No, you will not hurt me again.

I promise ME that this will be the last time I'll ever feel this kind of pain from you.

Never again.

Sad...

It's the internal struggle that's the hardest.

You fight your heart - you fight your mind.

And it drains you completely.

I will be lying if I said I know what should be done or what's best for ME.

What I do know is all these thoughts - all these feelings are killing the best of me.

Truth is, I'm scared that something like HE and ME will never happen again in my life.

That I feel that it was all my fault - why HE left - why HE looked for someone else.

And that I know that my heart will hurt again twice as much but I can handle it.

But I also know that trust will be absent.

What I need and what I want are analogous at this point.

So I'll just be still - stagnant.

And I'll trust that after all the rain, there will be clearer skies and I can look up again and get blinded by so much light that it illuminates me.

This song perfectly relays whatever it is I cannot say:

Man, it's been a long night

Just sitting here, trying not to look back

Still looking at the road we never drove on

And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

Here's to looking forward to basking in sunlight again.

Why on a Monday?

And just like that, all my attempts of moving forward crumbled.

I know myself, I know what my deep-seated hopes are and I know too that I was just waiting for HE's first move.

I'm sorry.

Hay - and why all this on Monday?

Naku naman talaga...

Bawi-bawi Lang...

I woke up to the sound of water squishing and an open faucet last Sunday. I went straight to the bathroom and found this:

Farmer Boy was doing my laundry and with so much gusto I might add. I felt like my clothes are being ripped to pieces with how hard he squeezes them. It was sexy so I took a photo.

O, nagising kita. Matulog ka lang muna. M said when saw me finally.

Ano yang ginagawa mo? ME

Nagluluto. M

Adik ka. Ibig kong sabihin - bakit mo nilalabahan yan. Ako dapat gumagawa niyan. ME

M just smiled.

Tama na yan, ako na yan mamaya. ME

Huling banlaw na 'to. Timpla ka na lang ng kape natin sakto pagkatapos nito. M said.

I just stood at the bathroom door.

O, huwag mong sabihin nahihiya ka pa. Nak*ntot na kita at lahat mahihiya ka pa sakin. M joked.

E, nakakahiya naman kasi talaga. Gamit ko yan, dapat ako gumagawa niyan. ME

Konti lang naman. Sige na, pagbigyan mo na ako dito. M

I pouted then went to make coffee.

-o0o-

Hindi mo kailangan gawin yun. ME said. 

We were on the sofa already, M was done with the laundry and I was done hanging them.

Alam ko. M

E bakit mo pa din ginawa? ME

M just smiled again.

I didn't push it as he was already enjoying watching Erik Santos singing on ASAP plus he'll just answer with a smile again.

Ganito siguro siya bumawi - sa mga pagkukulang niya sa ibang bagay. I thought

Tapos na-isip ko, pinaparamdam ko kasi na may pagkukulang siya. Hindi naman maiisip ni M yun kung hindi ko pinaparamdam sa kanya. Masama din talaga ako.

I should not make anybody feel insufficient because I know how it feels. I'm lucky that someone would do my laundry for me - M's not the first to do it for ME - but the initiative is very much appreciated.

I was looking at the TV and said to M: Alam mo, hndi mo kailangan bumawi sa akin. Huwag na huwag mong iisipin na kailangan mong maglaba o maglinis o ma-utusan. Kung may dapat gawin - gagawin nating pareho, sabay at magkatulong. 

M did not reply.

I looked at M and...

He was asleep.

LOL!

Oh well.

Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.

The Trouble with Farmer Boy...

I don't know how to write this without sounding snob or too proud or villain-ish in a haciendera-owning-wide-brim-hat-wearing manner...

The trouble with Farmer Boy is that - well - ME makes more that he does. I don't make much compared to other consultants but compared to M - hay... So ano problema you say?

Of the times we went out, I had to vouch for both of us - movie tickets, dinners, cab rides... I'm turning to be  a sugar-daddy and I don't like it...

One-time I offered that we take the trike just to see if he offers to pay for it but he didn't. Tapos nag-rationalize ako - he did buy the morning pandesal so I guess yung reserved money nya for fare ay nagastos na kaya he didn't pay for the trike...

Lagi lang kaming nasa-bahay - ayokong mag-ayang lumabas na kasi alam ko, hindi ko aasahan si M  to shell out - he doesn't really even offer to pay half. 

Alam ko naman - hndi niya kaya kasing mag-offer. And I know din na nahihiya na lang sya kapag nasa counter na kami o pag dumating na yung bill tapos direcho na lang sa akin.

Pero I can't provide for both of us every time.

And I don't think M could find another job either - he's not exactly eligible for a white collar one.

I really don't know what I'm ranting about - I mean here's a genuinely good guy that strokes my hair until I fall asleep... That would wake me-up every 4 hours so I could take my meds... That makes me laugh...

Wala naman siguro problema - eh ako mas may kaya eh - ganun talaga siguro. M doesn't ask for anything, just to be clear, nor does he demand anything of me...

But I don't want to be the provider - is that bad?

Hindi na lang ata ako talaga nakuntento - laging may kulang na lang... Nakaka-inis.

I like M - I feel that he's a genuinely good guy. But I don't really feel comfortable being the provider. So where do we strike a balance?

I guess we'll just make do with simple dates - there's a lot of room to innovate naman di ba? And who says you need a mall for a date? Meron naman yung plaza or park ganyan tapos fish ball-fish ball na lang saka gulaman... Pwede na yun.

Hmmmm...

Here's to making-do with what you can.

My Farmer Boy...

M's a farmer - like the rest of his family and the generations before him, they have only known tilling land.

He said he was fortunate that he finished high school - but really, "ang plano lang talaga ng magulang ko ay magsaka ako hanggang sa mag-asawa at magpamilya na" M narrated.

Kaya lang naman ako nakapunta sa Maynila eh dahil sumama ako sa kaibigan ko - tumakas na lang ako kasi hindi naman papayag sila Nanay. Pero okay na kami ngayon, limang taon na din e. M continued.

I never doubted that he was.

His skin was sun kissed and tortured.

His palms were rough - like they've known hard labor forever.

And he had scars all over - from small cuts to deep ones.

When we were naked in bed, I started to trace my fingers from the scars in his hands, then to his arms, and then down to his chest.

Ang pangit, ang dami kong peklat. M

I just smiled.

Bawat isa nito, alam kong may kwento. ME

M just smiled but his eyes said otherwise.

-o0o-

I lived a secure life - no, we are not rich, but I did not have to do hard labor.

When I look at M, clothes and all, I could only see the sparkle and wander in his eyes and the light that his smile brings me...

A far cry from what his scars are trying to say.

-o0o-

Gusto kong malaman and bawat kwento ng isa. I said to M

Hindi magaganda, ikaw din. M said jokingly.

Wala naman kwentong-peklat na maganda e. I said

Hahaha - bago yun a: kwentong peklat. M said - and his face lit up again and seeing him, mine did too.

M has a hard exterior through and through but I know he is the gentlest of souls.

And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M

I wanted to comment on how good he is with weaving words pero I hesitated - I wanted to savor what he just said.

I touched the scar in his hand again and moved it to my lips.

-o0o-

Here's to those little moments that we live for.

Lovin' Feelin'...

Pwede pa pala akong kiligin.

Ayeeee!

-o0o-

We were lying on the couch, M was on top of ME, he kissed my forehead, then my nose and then my lips. His was the more gentle and softest of kisses.

He lifted his face, and gave that fall-for-me smile of his and started singing:

     Mahal kita, basta mahal kita.

     Iniisip nila ay hindi mahalaga.

He paused. Smiled. Kissed my lips again then continued:

     Mahal kita maging sino ka man.

For the first since HE, ME gave a genuine smile - like a kilig smile.

     ‘Wag kang mag-isip ng ano pa man

     Mga paliwanag mo’y di na kailangan

     At kahit ano pa ang iyong nakaraan

     Mamahalin kita maging sino ka man

M continued with the song and finished it. 

And all throughout the song M was looking at ME like he was trying to look for something.

May nahanap ka ba sa mga mata ko? ME said smiling when he finished the song.

Konti, pero parang ang dami pang kailangan mahanap. M replied.

Anong nahanap mo? ME

Nahanap ko na madali kang kiligin... Hahaha. M

Kapal! ME

M kissed ME again.

I like the song... ME said.

I like singing to you. M answered.

ME smiled again.

Thank you for the song - really. ME whispered.

Madami pa akong alam na kanta - if you'd let me. M whispered back

Eh di nag-smile na naman ako! Hahaha.

-o0o-

Jusko Lord! Ang tanda ko na para kiligin! Bwahahaha!

Pero kebs na lang! 

Here's to those few moments when you feel something good again.

Truth is...

I'm irreparable - you broke me so bad that its so hard for me to lose myself in love again...

Every date ends up with me so guarded and uptight that I can only apologize to the torture I have put my dates in...

Every show of sincerity is clouded by insecurities...

Every extra attention and soft caress becomes a simple call for s*x... (Not that I get a lot.)

Every "i miss yous" and "i am thinking of yous" becomes a joke...

And this whole dating bit has just become a chore.

Sometimes I feel like i'm only for intermittent and ephemeral affairs na lang... 

Sigh.

I'd like to hope that it will come (again) - that take-my-breath-away kind of loving but as of late, its so hard to come-by...

Nagmamadali lang siguro ako, kind of growing impatient because i'm not getting younger.

Bigla kong naiisip tuloy: is my happiness so dependent on being with someone? 

Parang nakarely kasi for the longest time kay HE ang kasiyahan ko na alam ko, nagyon lang, ay mali. Yeah, we should have at least happiness, independent from anyone's existence, to survive.

Jusko.

Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?




PS: There's someone though who's been trying - being patient with me - and I can only hope he hangs on until I get myself together.

On Gay Men with Girlfriends...

Natural sa lalake ang mambababae - its in their genes. OWI

Hindi natural sa lalake ang mambabae kasi ang mga bakla nanlalake - hindi sila nambababae. SHA

Ah, parang yung BOYFREND MO?! OWI

The class was in a riot already.

OO - E ANO NGAYON? ANG ISSUE PAMBABABAE - HINDI PANLALALAKE! SHA

ME was shocked to have heard her confirmation.

-o0o-

Part of the requirements for my Logic Class is a classroom debate. Our elimination rounds was on the issue:

           Anong mas masarap: spaghetti na may plema o spaghetti na may kulangot?

I know right?

From there we moved into the Semis which had the topic on:

          Natural sa lalake ang pambababae.

Which resulted to a very animated and intense argumentation.

-o0o-

You okay? ME approached SHA after the debate

San sir? SHA

Kanina? ME

Ah, okay naman Sir. Bakit po? SHA

ME was silent.

Si MAK sir, boyfriend ko. SHA

MAK is gay - he's-so-gay-he-sweats-glitter ganyan. 

ME didn't know what to say.

Alam ko naman sir. Okay lang sa akin. Naiintindihan ko ang preferences nya. SHA

ME was still silent.

We have a connection sir e - hindi din namin maintindihang dalawa - pero we get each other. Yung no need for words. SHA

Anong set-up nyo? ME

BF-GF sir - the usual. Hindi ko din naman sya prine-pressure na mag-astang lalake. Komportable din naman ako sa softness nya at ayaw ko din naman siyang baguhin. SHA

Ang hirap lang sir sa mga kaibigan kasi yung tulad kanina, lagi mong ipagtatanggol - kasi nga naman its not your usual relationship. Hindi naman lahat din maiintidihan kung anong meron kami. Hindi ako tanga sir, alam kong nagkakagusto pa din siya sa lalaki - pero I embrace that, e sa mapagmahal boyfriend ko e. Hehehe. SHA continued

What does MAK say? ME

Laging nagtatanong sir - bakit daw siya? Pwede namang friends lang kami ng bongga ganyan. SHA

Ano sabi mo? ME

Yung totoo sir: na ayaw kong friends lang kami. Willing naman si MAK to explore it sir e - okay na yun sa akin. Ikaw sir, what do you think? SHA

Ngek, hindi naman na yun importante SHA. Ang importante yung kung ano ang usapan niyong dalawa lang ni MAK - kayo naman ang nasa relasyong yan. At isa pa, mukha namang klaro sa'yo ang sitwasyon. ME

SHA started to tear up.

Mahal ko yung baklang yun sir e - kung minsan ayaw ko pero mahal ko talaga e. SHA

ME don't do handkerchiefs, so ME couldn't offer SHA anything. 

Look. ME started. Loving, more than being loved, is a gift. Napaka-swerte mo SHA kasi you're capable of that. So don't cry - dapat nagse-celebrate ka! ME

SHA smiled. Then she hugged ME.

-o0o-

Truth is, ME's first reaction was: Ano ba yan! Karnehan!

But after hearing from SHA, ME realized there are still kinds of love that ME don't know and while it may be hard to process it on the onset, what ME could at least do is to respect it.

Here's to loving whoever - whenever.

At the Losing End...

*This is an extract from my conversations with Dok. Dok has been a long-time friend but its only quite recently again that we have had the chances to talk about our lives in general.

-o0o-

Love, like most sport, is a game. And in any game someone always takes the first place and the second. And in cases where there's a tie or a draw - a rematch must be had.

Here's how'd you know if you're at the loosing end:

1. You wake up ahead of his "good morning" texts. And you get paranoid when its 8 AM already and no text still. Not too mention, you over-analyze when that text arrives at 7 AM instead of the usual 6 AM.

2. You have the last text in a conversation.

3. He doesn't throw your questions back.

4. You try to make a conversation just out of an "okay" reply.

5. Your gifts are well-thought of. His' however, even have the price tag on and the dedication card is not even signed.

6. You believe everything he says:

                       "Oh, ang bilis nmn maubos ng lube mo" ME

                       "Konti lang naman talaga laman niyan" Him

7. You backtrack your conversation because suddenly he fails to call you "mahal ko" or "kaloy ko" or "mahal kong kaloy." Sa isip mo, ikaw yung may maling nagawa lagi.

Now that you know - would you still fight for it? Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.

Pity party galore!

LOL!

And here's the perfect song to cap it off:


     So don't say you're sorry
    You've only this much love to give
    You see, however much love's enough for me

-o0o-

PS: Gawd! I'm still ranting about same old problems, same old insecurities and the same old paranoia. When will this end? Kalowka!

Profiling ME...

Suddenly, a vision of ME flashed before my eyes.

Do I want this? 

This no-attachment-whatever-aside-from-the-physical kind of set up.

Will I allow myself to be used?

-o0o-

He was late on the first day and since all seats were already taken at the back, he had no choice but to sit in front.

He was cute - really cute and I knew then of another reason why I would specially attend to this class.

Sir, sorry po kanina. 12-000002 said when he approached me after class.

Sorry saan? ME

Sa pagiging late po. Tapos sa harap pa po ako umupo. 12-000002

Ah, well, don't do it again. Make sure lang 'di kita maunahan. ME

Okay po Sir. Thank you po. 12-000002

No prob - bawi ka na lang. ME

-o0o-

Sir, paano po ako makakabawi? 12-000002 messaged in FB 

ME was in one of the more boring meetings.

Bawi saan? ME

Sa pagiging late ko po lagi. 12-000002 

Late din naman ako lagi sa class nyo, ang aga kasi. ME

Eh Sir buti sana kung nauunahan kita. 12-000002 

Hmmmm - sige, do you want to attend na lang my PM classes? ME offered

Eh Sir may class po kami 'gang 5PM po. 12-000002 

Hmmmm - my class ako ng 5PM pa. ME

Eh Sir may church practice po nun. 12-000002 

Puwes, agahan mo na lang tlga. Hehe. ME

Hehehe, Okay po Sir. Thank you po. 12-000002 

ME didn't reply after that.

Sir, my pasok po ba sa Sabado? 12-000002  messaged again.

Yup. Bakit? ME

Eh Sir, birthday ko po sa sabado. 12-000002 

Ah talaga - happy birthday advance! ME

Thank you po Sir. Gift ko po? Hehehe. 12-000002 

Something suddenly lit - a light bulb I think.

He was cute. ME pursued.

What do you want? ME

Joke lang po Sir. Nakakahiya po. 12-000002 

Hindi nga - you asked me e - mapapahiya ako niyan. ME

Kayo po bahala Sir. kahit ano namin po pwede. 12-000002 

Sige - I'll treat you dinner na lang. ME

Luto ka sir? 12-000002

Nakow - wala akong alam sa pagluluto. ME

Hahaha. Ganun ba sir? Ako na lang po - palengke tayo. 12-000002

Ngek - birthday mo tapos ikaw pa pagtratrabahuin ko? ME

Okay lang sa akin sir - basta sagot nyo pampalengke. Hehe. 12-000002

Oo naman! ME

-o0o-

Tinola na lang tayo sir a. 12-000002 said - we were in the supermarket.

Sure - okay yan, sabaw. ME

At akala ko ba isasama mo barkada mo sa school? ME continued

Magugulo yung mga yun sir - nakita nyo naman sa class. 12-000002

ME really enjoyed goofing off at the supermarket and ME enjoyed more the cooking demo 12-000002  did at home.

-o0o-

Pwede mo nang palitan si Chef Logro. ME said after dinner while eating the slices of cake we bought - one lemon, one chocolate and a mango torte.

Haha. Salamat sir. 12-000002

12-000002  then stood up, went to get two glasses of water, he then sat beside me, gave me the glass and gave me the sweetest of smile and then kissed my cheeks.

Thanks sir. 12-000002

ME was stunned.

ME smiled, stood up and got another glass of water.

When ME turned around, 12-000002  was behind ME.

Paano ako babawi sayo sir? 12-000002  asked. He was holding my hip.

Gawd! My body wanted to move towards him but alas ME said:

Upo ka muna.

12-000002  sat on the couch and ME sat on the opposite couch.

Look - your a sweet kid. ME started. Pero you're in my class at hindi ko kayang abusuhin yun. ME finished.

Wala naman makaka-alam sir e. 12-000002  defended

Ako - alam ko. ME rebutted

Ayaw mo ba sa akin? 12-000002

ME liked him. A lot. ME think 12-000002  knows that too.

Alam mo sagot diyan. ME said.

Pero? 12-000002

Pero, its inappropriate. ME

Eh bakit mo pa ako ininvite sa bahay mo? 12-000002

ME smiled.

I shouldn't have. ME said

-o0o-

I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.

Besides, I'm not one to handle a scandal.

It was wrong I invited him or pursued his flirting.

It was wrong that there was dinner.

I just wish I could have reflected on this prior.

So here's to self restraint, making responsible decisions, scaring yourself with a potential scandal and stopping while you can. 

Validation...

I was the legal one - that was enough for me. It was SHE

I had the ring, I was with HE on occasions, I appear on application forms, name it. Siguro that validated me. So really, while it hurts to know that HE has other people in his life, so long as I assert that I am the wife, the first - I'm good. SHE continued.

How do you do that? ME asked.

Do what? SHE

Be so cool about everything? ME

I am not cool about everything. You have no idea what my inner struggles are - all of them were bordering crazy. SHE

And yet you don't snap. ME

Because I'm a mother - it's that simple. I have my kids to think of. SHE said.

ME smiled.

Look, it's just the validation that I'm still recognized as the wife - that's really what I aim for. Yung para lang alam mo kung san ka lulugar - sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko eh yung binabastos yung karapatan ko bilang asawa pa rin. SHE

F*ck my husband all you want pero don't you dare attack my personality or tell me that I am not enough for my husband. Eh anu kung mas maganda regalo ni HE sayo? O mas mahal? O mas marami? Really, I can buy what I want and if that entices you to have s*x with HE or makes you feel that you're more loved, go ahead and think that. I will not rain on your parade. SHE added.

And that applied to ME when HE and ME were together pa? ME finally said.

Oo naman - why should you be an exception? SHE laughed.. Pero we both know that we passed that and moved into a more mature - if not meaningful - co-existence. You knew your place Kaloy, nobody had told you what to do or how to act but you carried yourself very well. SHE

That's the alcohol talking na ata. ME laughed.

No! Alam mo, gusto ko i-refer sa'yo si J para maturuan mo. J is clearly an amateur on the whole dynamics of being the third wheel. SHE

Don't say bad words! ME said.

We both laughed.

I hate it. SHE

What? ME

That HE is gay - your gay. SHE

I think I am going to be perpetually attracted to you gay men. SHE

Loka - why would you be attracted to me. ME

SHE grinned.

No! Tumigil ka - you just had too many vodka. ME was screaming.

You haven't done it before with a girl di ba? SHE said, looking straight at me.

I swear I'm gonna scream RAPE! ME said.

SHE stood up.

ME stood up.

SHE move towards ME.

ME ran straight to the balcony and locked the door.

Ayan na ako. SHE teased.

NO! RAPE! Go away! ME said laughing.

Hindi na, I'm going to behave na. SHE

You promise? ME

Yes! SHE.

ME let go of the door.

I have never seen this side of you! ME managed to say in between laughs.

Now I know how to make you run. SHE was laughing too.

We both sat on the balcony floor.

Thank you. ME said while staring at the skies. I haven't laughed this heartily until now.

SHE reached for my hand and squeezed it.

ME squeezed it back.

7 things on the Holidays

Because of the lack of HE-ME-SHE drama (I guess that's a good thing), here's a vanity post of all-about-ME. I apologize.

1. I hydrated for the Holidays. LOL! Pero wala naman nagbago. 

2. Feasted on Pinapaitan breakfast for three days. I love it! And it was made more special as my tito would really cook it before going to work.

3. Played Monopoly again with my family after [X] years. My brother-in-law hit the jackpot when three (3) of us landed on his estate (with a hotel!). Talk about LUCK!

4. That's Dinakdakan - I promise to learn how to make it this year. Cross-fingers.

5. I bike every morning going to the bukid. Its a good 45-minute paddling and I took in as much fresh air as I can. Sadly, my stash of it is already depleted after a day back in the Metro - 'di kinaya..

6. That is what I wake up to in the bukid everyday. The smell of freshly cut palay is heavenly.

7. My holiday duty comprised of barbecuing and barbecuing. LOL! At talagang nag-pose ako and I'm not that white! At tapos na ako diyan mag-barbeque, mga re-heat lang yang nkikita diyan - hehehe.

How did your holidays go?

-o0o-

Steady lang muna ako.

I'd like to enjoy dating and I'm too guarded I guess (for now) to enter into something more.

Here's to an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl - err - 2013!