Relapse...

While I have been doing well for the past five-six months, there are still moments where I snap - relapses.

There are things that would remind me of you and automatically, my whole being reacts as if you were present at that same space and time with me.

And in that weakened moment I scanned your profile, you have one public image with J like you had one with me. That was one of your bravest moves - that was for only me , yes, for ME alone - before.

But you see, I wanted to torture myself more and scanned J's profile too.

You brought him to your province. Like you did me.

He met your childhood friends. Like I did.

You ate at the only place we ate on those special days.

And, as I have memorized it, you ordered the same chopseuy - that beef steak and the cheesecake you can never get in the city no matter how we hop from one pastry shop to the other. 

It must be the air that's different in the province that's making the blueberries taste better. You would conclude after each tasting. And I never got the heart to tell you they buy it in bulk at S&R per the chef.

And then I noticed something different from the last series of pictures - you were both wearing the same watch - like what we did. The silver stainless steel, the big dials over a deep blue background. You bought him the same watch you gave me.

I wished I was not affected - but I was.

My heart sank again.

My shoulders felt heavy.

I refused to breathe.

How can you be happy?

With what you did to me, you don't deserve to be - not yet.

I hate you.