Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Life Cheats...

Nagcomment yung dati kong estudyante sa isang photo that I posted on FB of me and some good friends having dinner. It read:

"Lagi ka naman masaya sir e, may cheat ka ata... Hehehe."

Expert tayo jan. I thought. Expert tayo sa pagpapanggap.

Totoo naman. Ang galing natin - magaling tayong magmukhang masaya.

Our laughs have been practiced to authenticity.

Our smiles have been painted to perfection.

And our eyes have been polished to a shine.

That's us - acting (thinking) like its a crime to be unhappy - kasi nga dapat GAY di ba?

Kung nag-post ka ng happy activities, ng happy messages... Kung nakakaya mong mag-host ng event o mag-facilitate ng activity despite - iisipin nila okay ka na.

That you're not hurting because you're functioning like its business as usual.

But deep deep inside whatever's left of your heart - is a weakened spirit trying very hard to keep it all together - keeping it all in.

Maybe because you don't want HIM to see you defeated - even if you know you are.


I feel suffocated most days - I couldn't breathe.

I am tied on going out and run the risk of seeing HIM and the Other together.

My walls are caving in and my arms are too tired already to fight the force.

I am giving up.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Of Wills and Shoulds

My Husband's Lover. It was a text from SHE

No, I didn't have anything to do with it. ME said when SHE answered my call.

Good. Pero ang galing ha, kuhang-kuha. Hehe. Ang universal pala ng sitwasyon natin. SHE

Gaga! Hahahaha. Pero, yeah, there is some comfort in the fact na hindi tayo alone on this. ME

We both laughed.

How are you? SHE asked.

Still in the process. ME

Hirap pa din ano? SHE

Oo - I've reduced all this to surviving everyday na lang. ME

You will get through this. SHE

And you will too. Alam ko you go through all this process again and again and again with every new guy. ME

It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system. SHE

It was the first time ME felt SHE defeated. Like there was no choice but to suck it all in. But ME was not to judge.

I would hug you right now if I can. ME

But you, SHE continued, you can still escape all this and not get stuck in the cycle I'm in. 

I will. I should. ME answered. We should do dinner this week.

We will. We should. SHE

Gaya-gaya! Hahaha. O, you pick me up after your Baclaran. ME

Hahaha. See you! SHE

Ang strong-strong lang ni SHE. ME said to myself.


Here's to will and should!