Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Never Done...

I am cooking tonight - I am excited to cook. 

I rushed from work to the grocery then headed straight home - I wanted everything okay when M arrives. It's adobong kangkong for dinner as requested. 

I prepped the food to my standard and the rice was cooked just before M arrives. In 20 minutes the food was ready, just enough time as M was still finishing the news. I set the table, put food and called M. 

He loved it! I am satisfied.

After finishing that one teleserye he watches, he moves to the bedroom to sleep - I was on to the dishes. When the kitchen was clear, I cleaned myself for sleep. I was careful in sneaking into the bedroom as I didn't want to wake him.

When I got there, the laundry was still on the bed (on my side) and it's begging to be folded. With just the light from my cell phone, I folded them all neatly and tucked them in my closet. I looked at M - almost with disappointment. 

I did the dinner and the whole other gamut of things that goes with preparing dinner. Didn't he see the laundry?

That night, I slept with my back away from M. 

But then I thought, there is no room now for complaints. There is still that big presentation at work in the morning, that new lesson that needs to be taught in class and that class field trip for the other class to think of the next day. 

And there's dinner to cook again too.

Work is never done.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

2013 Recap...

JANUARY - Vanity and Validation

I wanted (planned) to take it easy for the year with HE but by the end of the month, I guess all that I was also really looking for was validation from HE. But now, no amount of validation would justify hurting others - no it doesn't.

Look, it's just the validation that I'm still recognized as the wife - that's really what I aim for. Yung para lang alam mo kung san ka lulugar - sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko eh yung binabastos yung karapatan ko bilang asawa pa rin. SHE

F*ck my husband all you want pero don't you dare attack my personality or tell me that I am not enough for my husband. Eh anu kung mas maganda regalo ni HE sayo? O mas mahal? O mas marami? Really, I can buy what I want and if that entices you to have s*x with HE or makes you feel that you're more loved, go ahead and think that. I will not rain on your parade. SHE added.

FEBRUARY - Learning about ME

There were instances were temptations would present itself over and over - I'm just glad that I still have an ounce of self-restraint left. Hopefully, enough to sustain ME for the year too.

I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.


MARCH - Learning About Other Forms of Love and Going Back to the Love You Know Very Well

It was an eye-opener: a girl falling in love with a gay guy (both were my students). It was hard to understand it before - now, its just really reminiscent of the other forms of relationships I have - with my sister, my mom and SHE.

And yeah, this was the month I started toying the idea with HE-ME again - together.

Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.


APRIL - M and Doubting the Ability to Love Again

This was the month I got to know M and got to reflect a bit more how my life have been dependent on HE's existence - on the relationship with HE. I remember this month well because I got to feel good again.

Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?


MAY - My Farmer Boy

Looking back, I think I was just really trying to find something wrong with M - who spends more should not really matter. And M has been trying hard to more than make-up for it.

And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M


JUNE - The First Relapse of the Year But then, Some Silver Lining c/o M

There was a promise to not get hurt again by HE, a bit of self-blaming for what happened with ME and HE, and then failing to move-on with just a single text from HE. But then, M was there to make some things better. Oh gawd! M's been really my sanity.

Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.

JULY - Admitting Defeat

After everything, I think this was the first time I truly accepted defeat. That while everything is business-as-usual, my world have caved in already. And  it was the first time that I heard defeat from SHE's voice too - we are connected more than what we have planned to.

It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system.SHE

AUGUST - Admitting M

The kilig I felt from M grew deeper into caring and wanting to love M, this was the first time too that I admitted this to myself. But I drew caution - I would not be able to recover from another HE-kind-of-relationship.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER - A Bit of Surveying

I have been learning a lot from my gender studies classes and the posts from this month were just to try and capture points of view from different people.

Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!


NOVEMBER - Work and Love

The first weeks of the month was heavy on my work because of the typhoon but like those in previous months, M was there to make things better so I said I loved him back.

Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.

DECEMBER  - The Year's Second and Final Relapse

Well that's that. LOL.


That's 2013 for ME. It just dawned to me that for all the times I felt defeated, torn, lost  or gave-up on myself - there was M. 

So yeah - 2013 is the year of M - and 2014 too and 2015 and 2016 and forever.


PS: Reading this post again napa-wow ako sa "forever" pero ngayong medyo nahimasmasan na ako , parang medyo kabig muna sa mga forever na yan. Let's just work things as we go along, if its not gonna end to forever - than, it is what it is.