Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Beachy New Year...

Sand and sun...

Just what I need to usher in the new year...

Hello Gomorrah!

Err... White Beach pala!


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Surviving Christmas...

I did.

HE and ME were mostly apart during Holidays (except for that Valentines Day together) so I made it through Christmas - alive and intact.

Look Ma - no tears. I amused myself in the mirror.


SHE called in the morning. I spoke with the twins.

Adorable still.

They said "Merry Christmas Tito!" in unison with SHE counting on the background.

SHE came by too to drop some (much-needed) mojos from Shakey's - that made my day.

I'm not your charity case you know. ME

Loca. This is not charity. SHE

Eh ano? Damage control for HE? ME

Ayaw mo? SHE

Gusto. Gusto. Shu-shut up na. ME

Hey - this is what friends do. HE or no HE. SHE

Thanks friend. ME

SHE smiled.


And i'm moving out of the apartment this January.

ME needs a new start.

I can't battle with every memory in every corner everyday - that would drive me insane.

Don't have any idea where yet - but ME's definite on moving.


And speaking of moving - I forgot already how to date.

I'm old and nearly washed-up and I don't have the energy for a cat-and-mouse chase again.



And HE called too.

ME answered his call.

You okay? HE

I don't think you have the right to ask that yet. ME obviously and overtly bitter.

I'm sorry. HE

Aren't we all? ME sounding a little like Elizabeth Taylor - diamonds and all.

Sige, I'll just call when things are more okay. I just wanted to say happy holidays. HE

Ok. ME as I ended the call.

ME don't know what to make of that call but its going to be a new year and ME needs to move...


Here's to brighter days ahead.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Iron Lady...

SHE came.

Like the first time she insisted that we meet - SHE wouldn't take NO for an answer.


It won't go away. SHE

ME stared at her.

That feeling - yung betrayal and hate. It won't go away. SHE

You hate HE for US? ME

Yes. Even after I got to know you. I hated his guts. SHE

Why are you telling me this SHE. ME

Because I want to rub salt on your wound... I so want to tell you na yan, buti nga sayo p*ta ka! Eh di naramdaman mo yung naramdamn ko dati? SHE

I was looking at her.

P*tang *na mo rin! ME

Our eyes met.

Then we both laughed.

Its not something you did. You have to believe that. Ganun lang talaga siya. SHE

I don't want to hate HE. ME

You don't have to. Love him more now for all I care pero you and I both know that its time now to look forward. SHE

How do you do that? ME

To each his own. I had the twins then. SHE

I don't have anybody. ME

G*go. Eh ano tawag mo sa akin? And the twins? You know they like you because you spoil them rotten when i'm not looking. SHE

I smiled.

And HE - we have HE. Not in the same way but I trust, learning from me, that you know you have HE. SHE

Somehow... ME


I admire SHE more now.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Bobo lang...

Sana bobo na lang ako.

I would be so irrational that I would blame everyone else around me for putting me in a position that I now find myself in...


Ang hirap lang.

I'm trying to argue with me that I very well  know everything will lead to nothing while on the other hand, I want to blame the world and play victim for what happened...


Its just altogether frustrating.

I feel like bursting into anger and hate but I know I can't because my rational side says I deserve all that's happening... That I am responsible for all this...



I would give up one day of my life for me to just be able to convince myself that its not my fault and that i'm not to blame for feeling what I am feeling... (No, don't take this as a suicidal statement. Shoot, there's that rationality again...)

Monday, November 21, 2011


It sounds so final.


I've just been attempting to cope for the past month.

Sabi ko kahit malampasan ko lang denial - mas magiging okay na ako.

I want to rant about it and say how hurtful and painful it all is.

Pero I can't do that kasi I know that at the back of my mind, I have always been an option - dispensable.

Now I feel angry.

With ME more than anyone.

Friday, September 30, 2011


In SG til oct. 3!

Hit me with PLU whens, hows, and how muchs!


Where the boys at?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Just have to Answer...

Either. Relationship and religion are founded on the same principle - LOVE. That ability to put others above self - genuine selflessness if we may put it. In essence then, we can choose either and we'd still end up choosing LOVE.


Note that that's the exact answer that came to mind when the question was being asked thank you very much.


Gusto ko lang matunawan.



Ano sagot mo?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Trouble with Being an Instructor Is...

When you get infatuated with a student...


Sir, f*ck kita. 07-000001

Parang biglang may nagbuhos sa akin ng nagyeyelong tubig.

Dun yata ako natauhan.

This should not be happening ME thought. No matter how strongly ME felt to heed what he just said. ME think I know better.

No, this is just wrong in all aspects. ME mustered to say as I pulled my underwear up, then my pants.

Gusto kita. Gusto mo ako. Anong mali? 07-000001 a little frustrated.

Walang mali. ME

Oh, ano problema? 07-000001 just irritated

Ako. Problema ako. ME

He just looked puzzled.

Ang labo mo! 07-00001 pulled his boxers and pants up and grabbed his now wet uniform from the CR's floor.

Let's just forget it happened at all. ME.

Bahala ka. 07-000001


O7-000001 was the first boyfriend ME wished ME had.

He's perfect in all angles. Varsity player - basketball (thank you very much). Can carry an english conversation and a tune. Pays attention in class (genuinely). Never late or absent. Argues on the right terms. Killer smile. Hindi dugyutin. Openly gay.

Yup - everyone knows he prefers them with balls but funny thing, all his buddies are straight men who are not in any way threatened nor discriminating towards him. Everybody treats him like them regular straight guy.


He would have been perfect if I were 20 or even 22.



Second time mo nang na-joke yan sir. O7-000001

I didn't know you kept count. ME

O7-000001 smiled.

It was those little things that he remembers that endeared him to ME.

He would answer my essay questions as I've lectured in class.

He would brush my shoulder faking an excuse that there was an ant or a stray leaf.

He would wink when I pass them playing basketball.

He would concede to the debates we have in class.

In short - he was just so cool!


One time, when HE could not make it, ME asked O7-000001 to see Departures. It was on its last showing at the Shang.

ME didn't have to beg.

15 minutes. O7-000001 texted back.

We met at the cinema lobby.

Nope, popcorn's on me. He said as ME attempted to pay for our orders on the snack counter.

I invited you di ba? ME

Exactly - common courtesy says I at least provide for the snacks. O7-000001 insisted.

Suits me. I smiled.

That movie was followed by another and another and another until it became a regular thing. He paying for the next and then me and then him.

HE knows O7-000001 already when he came to the house to help me check the midterms. HE cooked bacon (what else?).

And HE knows too that we see movies together.

And HE's intelligent enough to know that ME don't repeat movies we've seen together with someone else unless ME like him that much.

HE doesn't talk about my crushes - HE is secure enough. (Good boy.)


Siguro the tension that's been building between us just begged to resurface on that particular Saturday.

Those all too familiar elbow brushes in cinemas. The looking at each other too often than necessary. The arguing for arguing sake.

He offered to help ME with my things for the faculty room.

ME obliged.

He placed the bulk of papers on my table and ME said thank you.

ME went to the pantry.

ME felt arms around my waist and wet kisses on my neck.

He followed ME to the pantry

Then the kiss led to another then that led to the CR which lead to the let-down.


O7-000001 is a fantasy turned reality that was granted way too late.

Plus, ME knows the bounds of my position and the adverse [potential] effects it may have to it.

And ME is growing old to be fooling around - I know what ME has - HE.


Here's to self-control and trusting that you can summon it when needed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

MID Terms...

Gave midterms last weekend. Akala ko magiging uneventful kasi magbibigay lng naman ako ng test, tatahimik ng 1.5 hours, maybe entertain a couple of questions, collect exams and move on to the next.

But no.


First class.

While giving instructions, ME standing in front of the teacher's table, class president walks up to me and whispers in my ear...

Sir, bukas zipper nyo.

I swear I was so embarrassed but mustered enough face to just sit behind my table and continue.


Second class.

After collecting the papers. One student stays in class.

Interviewed her and found out, she has an older sister and a younger brother.

She asked me about my parents and I told her that their not together anymore.

She told me her dad was gay.


I asked how they were handling it.

The dad does not talk about it but they all know. His brother even gets into brawls because they tease their dad. The Mom is projecting coolness for it all and even jokes that the dad takes his boyfriends home pra daw makilala naman daw nila.

I asked her how she felt.

Tanggap ko naman Sir, kasi nung bata pa kami ganun na - sanay na. Mahirap lang kung minsan kasi pati pinsan namin napapatos ni papa.



I have 200 papers to check but i have to set the mood first - like it or not, grading (esp. on essays) depends highly on my moods.


HE's done checking the objective parts though and insists on starting with the essay.

I'm tempted but i know my kids better - mas magbibigay ako ng consideration kaysa kay HE na mali lang ang subject-verb agreement, itlog na ibibigay.

Here's to loving what you do and hoping what you do loves you back!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


We're in Puerto Princesa out of sheer spontaniety till Friday...

Anyone knows were the PLUs are or at least the boys?

In dire need of theraphy - LOL!

HE and ME just walked the stretch of Rizal Ave. looking for a massage and them PP boys but to no avail - we need reinforcement...



Appreciate much.

Underground river tomorrow - so that's covered. And the zip line today so that's done...

Where the boys at?

That's where we're concentrating.



Monday, July 25, 2011

How do you?

How do you tell your mom that your dad doesn't love her anymore?


My dad hasn't been home for three months.

On those 90 days, he managed to get fired from his almost 3 decades-old job, lose four of his teeth and about 10 kilos or so on his weight.

On the pressure from our relatives, his older brother and some friends, we decided to go to him and bring him home.

A simple plan so it seems.


I left Manila Wednesday night and arrived at about 3am in our province on Thursday. My almost nine-month pregnant Atte and my Mamma were still awake. We went over the plan. ME, Mamma and my Atte's Husband were to drive 3 hours to where my dad was. Talk to him that he can come home and then he'll get his things and come home with us - all shall be forgiven.

My Mamma even agreed not to ask questions like: Ano bang nangyari? Ano na ngayon gagawin ng babae mo?

We decided that it won't matter anymore so long as he comes home to us where he can get proper food at least.


We had a hard time finding him in the city where he and the babae was.

All the while, he was at the corner of the street just waiting for us - he knows well the Pajero we were in. I alighted the car and went straight to him.

Pa, agawid tan. (Dad, let's go home). ME mustered

He just looked at me and made an excuse that he was going home naman daw that afternoon, he was just waiting for his kumpare para sabay na sila as they were going to Manila to attend a burial of a colleague. I asked him to just come with us, since we were there already and his kumpare could always drop by our house to fetch him if they planned on going to Manila. He made some excuse that he was going to fix some things at the apartment etc. I resorted to asking him out for lunch na lang.

He agreed to lunch. He climbed the passenger seat beside the driver. My Mamma was at the back seat with ME. They didn't talk.

He took us at a restaurant about 15 minutes away from where we picked him up. My Mamma figured that this was so we could not see his bababe or his bababe see us.

I was holding my Mamma's hand all throughout that 15-minute ride and asked her to press my hand if she ever feels like slapping my dad right there.

My hand was swollen when we got to the restaurant.


We ate as if everything was fine - we talked about my Atte's pregnancy, my work and some random stuff.

My Mamma did not eat a single bite.


After lunch, we dropped my dad off to where we saw him. He did not offer us to go to his rented apartment.

You can come home anytime, Pa. I said

He embraced me.


My Mamma waited for him in the afternoon. My dad did not show up.

I left for Manila that night at 9pm - still, no dad anywhere.


Ramdam ko na ayaw nang umuwi ni Pappa. Not because he doesn't want to see us, but because he doesn't love Mamma anymore. I can feel it to the gut. I told my Atte.

Ano sasabihin natin kay Mamma? My Atte asked.

I don't know. How the hell will we tell her the love of her life - after so many unforgivable events - doesn't love her anymore? I asked back.

Basta you tell her. My Atte commanded


I never thought it would come to this. I honestly thought this was just another phase and he would eventually come home pag nagsawa siya. I told HE

You can't force your dad to come home when he doesn't want to - that would just be wrong. HE

I know that. My Atte knows that. But our mom - he loves him so much that she's still expecting that he will come home ulit. ME

Its high time your mom moves on. HE

Alam mo, anniversary nila this month. And even without saying, I know my Mamma expected him to come home. Wala na kaming pride - kami na ang sumuyo... ME

Your supposed to be like that when it comes to family. Hey, its time your family moves on. You deserve to move on. HE reassured.

But how do I tell my mom? ME

And there was silence.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


ME found HE's porn stash.

So with the new cabinets, I started arranging our books.

HE gets the blue shelves and ME got the red.

But halfway through HE's stuff, and nestled behind his Rosales Saga collection are DVDs marked X1- 12. How obvious can the labels get di ba?

I tried one and lo and behold: an array of chinitos in the slimiest orgy ever!

I was turned on and I just had to pull one off... That's ME being male...

And about a milisecond after the release, ME thought: Hala! Why is HE hiding this?

I mean, I watch porn even when HE's around and HE very well knows where my porn folder is. So that pretty much tells HIM that i'm good with porn and its not that big a deal.

Isa pa, bakit naman siya mahihya pa sa akin - I practically brush my teeth while HE takes a dump - that's how comfortable we are.

I guess there are just some things we still want to keep for ourselves so I refuse to overthink this.

I returned the DVDs and the books and will just ask HE to arrange the books to his shelf on HIS own...


Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Wala si HE for Father's Day.

So, to get me out of the insanity of alone-ness I decided to do some carpentry.

Very butch of ME.

Besides, I really needed to organize my school stuff. My exam keys are with attendance sheets and course outlines and some literary porn...


Hindi naman ako nag-ilusyon ng malaki - I just got a DIY shelf kit from Landmark. They offered to put it together there pero sabi ko kaya ko na. It looked easy kasi - I mean how hard can it be to screw eight screws in two wooden planks?

I soon found out it was 'dang HARD!

First, I did an audit on the materials - kompleto naman lahat.
And yes, that's how hairy my legs are. Hehehe
Next, screw the screws.
HE took his tool kit with him so I was left to use a  pair of scissors.
I swear HIS tool kit is more important to him than his phone.
Feeling ko nga kung masusunugan kami (knock on wood), ito ang una niyang ilalabas ng bahay.

Yan yung almost finished product. You see the screws?
They're not entirely dug as they're supposed to because the scissors
I used were not really meant for screwing. It was so frustrating! 

Dahil sobrang nakaka-inis na hindi ko ma-DO-IT-YOURSELF yung pesteng book shelves, I actually went out and looked for a karpentero sa mga kapitbahay. Unluckily, wala akong nahanap - asa ako di ba?

So what I did is I hailed a cab and went back to Landmark so they could do the DIY for themselves.

Yan na - hahahaha. Since andun na din ako, binili ko na din yung red.
Natatawa na alng sa akin yung nag-assist.

LESSON: I know very well that i'm not the handyman guy so i'll not attempt it next time. Hahaha.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Relationship with TWO Fathers

HE, ME and the twins did an early Father's Day last Sunday.

We watched Kung Fu Panda 2.

It was a riot - I laughed harder and louder than the twins did (especially on that dragon/caterpillar bit).

It was the first outing we had - the four of us.

Remember this The BIRTHDAY Clause... ? Well this includes all other Holidays that involves the customary in-laws participation.

So they're doing Father's Day on Sunday together with the in-laws so we did it in advance.

I put on my tito hat for the twins. They're just adorable - my hands are up for SHE for doing a great job with them. Polite and really witty - alam nilang makisama.


WE have the twins for Sunday. HE

Bakit? ME

A little excitement won't hurt. HE

Che! You know what I mean. ME

Advance Happy Father's Day natin. HE

NATIN, I like how that sound. ME

And SHE's doing it with Chris and the his kid too. HE

Wow - so its serious with Chris? ME

Everything's serious when it comes to SHE naman. HE

I pretended not to hear.

So what do we do on Sunday? ME

Movie - the twins want to see the panda movie. HE

Its Kung Fu Panda. You liked the first one kaya - you were laughing when we watched it here sa bahay. ME

You know me and my memory... HE giggling.

Che. Movie then it is. ME saying a lot of 'ches' lately.


And oh, on the second Father, my Dad's been with the babae since last month and not of his choosing.

My Mama's done with him and she looks great!

I love my dad - he is what he is. But we all have to move on and if he doesn't see our value as a family then he can look for his own values instead.

He'll always be our dad - that's clear.


Last month,my dad's older brother charged to our house and said bad things about my ate.

She accused her of spending the money he gave our dad in her wedding. That ticked my Mama off since all the expenses were paid for by my kuya - the before-groom.

And three points:

1. If he gave the money to my dad already, what does he care on the use of it? It was given right?
2. Its not like we're random people - for Christ's sake, pamangkin niya kami! Eh ano naman kung gamitin namin yung pera?
3. The money was, for all we know, gambled-away by my dad already.

My sister was distressed because of the event and she's pregnant. So we decided, we're through - we can't keep on being our dad's excuse to his brother or his life. We hope we can be the reason for his life but not an excuse.

And with our tito, come to think of it, he never really gave anything to us - it was always for my dad. And we appreciate the fact that he looks out for our dad and cares for him. I just hope he dies before my dad because if my dad dies first, no one will bury my tito. Ang sama ng iniisip ko pero I can't help it.

Hindi ako nalulungkot, nasasayangan lang ako kasi in the eyes of my dad's clan - we are his achievements. Now what does he have? A mistress half his age with an illegitimate kid? An older brother that sustains him? A job he is miserably failing at? Gusto kong maawa pero ginusto niya e. He should fight for us and genuinely change - we can't cover-up for him every time and put on a happy family portrait. As my ate said, nakakapagod na palang magpanggap. 

I just needed to say that.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Last Sunday, I was watching HE cook sopas...

Out of nowhere I blurted - I Love You.

HE heard it.

HE then asked me why I love him...

I told him 'just because you're you...'

HE smiled.

And when HE smiles, its like that Indian head bobble that doesn't really give you a definitive YES or NO but an 'Im-Not-Sure-How-To-React-On-Your-Answer' vibe...

So I came up with a list on why I love HIM.

Here goes...

Wait, if you're not into the cheesy stuff, just click the X button - you know where it is.

So, here goes...

And apologies for posting something that's valentines-ish in June.

So, again, here goes:

I Love YOU...

Because you make me sing
Because you pretend to like my singing
Because you kiss ME on the lips in the morning (kahit wala pang toothbrush)
Because you cook the best rice cooker-cooked sopas in the world
Because you hand wash my underwear when you do yours (which I never do)
Because your korny and its funny that your korny
Because you say NO to my face when you don't want something (except my singing)
Because you know when not to argue with me
Because you get my moods
Because your a great father to the twins
Because you never spoke ill of SHE
Because you make me eat ampalya and okra (ang konyo - tae)
Because you don't snore
Because you know not to disturb me when i'm reading
Because i'm not shy to watch porn around you


So far that's my list for the week (and its only Monday - hahahaha).

And i'm keeping my list and will update it when HE does something that makes ME love HE more...

And perhaps, when things are not so good with US, i'll just reread the list and be reminded that more than the disagreements and certain incompatibilities - there are a lot more to love about HIM...

Sarap magmahal.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

3 Idiots and then some...

Most of us went to college just for a degree. No degree meant no plum job, no pretty wife, no credit card, no social status. But none of this mattered to him, he was in college for the joy of learning, he never cared if he was first or last.  -Farhan Qureshi


After the movie, ME thought: When was the last time I did something for the sheer reason of having passion to do it? No care for the results... No care for what the conventions are... No care for rules...

I don't remember. I candidly don't. What a shame.



Monday, April 4, 2011

3's more than a Crowd...

You can accomplish a lot during s*x - this is have come to master with HE.

HE, more than he's willing to admit, is very much gullible and persuade-able during s*x - HE says "YES" to everything.

So since HE's in one of those tampo modes of his during the last two-weeks, ME decided to have an all-sex-weekday (pahinga kami sa weekend... hehehe).

Plan is to ask forgiveness for not consulting HIM on quiting school while HE's about to cum...

ME is much confident in getting an "I-forgive-you-now-get-back-to-what-you-were-doing" answer from HE...


Remember the book i was writing about?

Well  it had a section where a partner, to induce the other partner to the idea of a threesome, asks the other partner [while in foreplay] what he would make another person do (preferably a fantasy figure - pero dapat hindi atista, yung kilala niyong dalawa) if such fantasy figure was there in bed...

A 3some is not new to HE and ME (Blush) but the idea of fantasy play is something new.


I climbed to bed and positioned myself on HIS lap.

HE put down the book he was reading and smirked.

I placed my hands behind my head and gyrated my hips (HE loves it when ME attempts to mimic lap dancing)

HE placed his hands on MY hips to urge ME.

I leaned over to lick HIS lips.

Hmmmmm... HE moaned as HE placed his hands inside my boxers and gave my butt a squeeze.

Let's play. ME

What do you have in mind? HE

I smiled.

Say aside from ME, someone else was here. Pretend that I'm that someone (TS) else - what would you have me do? ME whispered.

Hmmmm... HE moaned.

TS will be licking my ears while you play with my sh*ft. HE

ME proceeded to lick his ears.

Then TS will rim my lips.. Hmmmm... HE

And you'll proceed to lick my neck... HE

ME liking this... What more? I whispered in between rimming his lips and kissing his neck...

Then i'll tongue-f*ck her p*ssy while i finger-f*ck your ass... HE trying to be husky-voiced

P*T*NG *N*! Sabi ko sa isip ko

WHAT?! Ang nasambit ko.

Don't ruin it... just play along... HE trying to reach my ass again...

NO! You want to do a three-way with a girl? ME with an almost-frantic-like-kris-aquino reaction

You started it... HE

NO I didn't! Was there anywhere I mentioned b**b**s and p*ss**s? ME

Hindi yun, ikaw naman ang nag-start ng fantasy-fantasy na yan... HE

And you actually want do it with a girl at ako? ME

With SHE and YOU... HE

I turned pale - ME and my great ideas...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

NOT Lawyer-ish enough...

I am not becoming a lawyer.

When that dawned to me, i quit.

It was finals week, just a week more to go and i'm done for the sem...

But the rebel in me decided not to bother with the finals.

I didn't attend any of my scheduled exams.


I figured what's the use?

HE is still not talking to me for it.


You see, i have this picture of me in an Armani skinny suit and an LV damier graphite bag going into a courtroom and kicking me some criminal ass...

But when I was actually in school, the image faded into just the suit and the bag...

I figured i can always wear the suit and the bag even if i were not a lawyer.

Ang babaw lang di ba?

Pero this is the honest-to-goodness truth: i, after two years worth of law units, is not after all, lawyer material...


Masyado ko sigurong na-brain wash yung sarili ko na the only way i could assert myself was when i am a lawyer...

Na my life would only be fabulous if i were a lawyer...

And that, it would be okay to be gay basta abogado ako...

Hindi pala.

I was miserable in school.

Its not the work needed to be done to prepare for class - wala akong problema sa subjects ko...

Its just that i don't have that passion anymore...

Siguro na-in love lang ako sa konsepto...


Now i have to start over...

Pero this time i won't prescribe myself an image...

I'll just see where the tides lead me to.


I know HE's supportive of this - nag-iinarte lang kasi hindi na naman siya na-consult...

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na it was a personal decision pero i know sasampolan lang niya ako ng: Personal? May ganyanan na? When did each of us have something personal?


Here goes another attempt to live...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

An Introduction to a S*xually Free Marriage...

I was in Cubao Expo last night and found a book.

The Complete Handbook for A Sexually Free Marriage
by John and Mimi Lobell

What? Seryoso NO S*X?! sabi ko sa isip nung una. But having gone through the table of contents and the first chapters, HO MAY GAWD! na lang nasambit ko.

Simple lang ang sinasabi ng libro: It's okay to have sex outside your marriage so long as there is a need and that you and your spouse have talked and agreed on it.

Here are some of the excerpts.

Of course, there are many ways to have a happy marriage. Far too often, though, sexual monogamy is assumed to be an inviolable prerequisite. It isn't... In fact, sexual monogamy can become a fetishistic bondage, a modern-day chastity belt that prevents partners in a marriage from being friends with each other and from developing as individuals. Illicit sex is the traditional way out of such marriages: secret affairs, furtive lunch hours in hotels, lying about working late, and so on.

Sex was to be done in the dark... Anything else was prurient, hedonistic, depraved, satanic lust! The idea that a person can and should limit his or her sexual expression to one other partner for an entire lifetime will soon seem equally ridiculous.

People have always had sex outside of marriage. Adultery has been around for as long as marriage. The differences we are proposing are that (1) there is nothing wrong with it, and (2) in a loving and workable marriage between equals, the spouses can also be honest with each other about it.

And oh, the book was published 1975.

And oh-oh, the authors are married with no children.

PS. Not done with the book but i find it very provocative. Hehehe.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Going Bulilit...

Where do you want us to go? HE

Ano? ME

Saan mo tayo gusto pumunta? Tinagalog na NYA - masama na ito.

Can we just be where we are? ME

No, HE and ME were not talking about where to eat.


ME was attempting to cook adobo and HE was attempting to peel potatoes.

Naalala mo si Manang Minda? HE washing the potatoes

Hindi. Bakit? ME sauteing garlic and pork

Siya yung binilhan natin ng brownies nung pasko. HE now peeling

Ah - yung maintainance nyo? ME pouring toyo and suka

Oo, yung may walong anak. HE still peeling

O bakit si Manang? ME putting the lid on the casserole

Buntis na naman kasi. HE

Ah - puwes alam ko na regalo natin sa kanya next Christmas! ME

Condom? HE now slicing the potatoes

Hindi. TV para may iba silang libanagan. Hehehe. ME putting whole pepper seeds into the pot.

Sanadali, ME again, eh ano naman ngayon kung buntis? Ikaw ba nakabuntis?

Gago. Hindi. HE

Ano nga? ME

Binibigay nya yung magiging anak nya sa atin. HE

I tuned the stove off. I was stunned.

Ano yun? Tuta lang? ME

Hindi, syempre tinanong nya ako. Kaysa daw sa ampunan, at least kung ibibigay nya sa kilala niya, mas mapapanatag daw sya. HE - casual lang siya parang nag-uusap lng kami ng grocery list

Ano sabi mo? ME

Sabi ko salamat dahil kinonsider nya akong mabuting ama. Tapos sabi ko pag-iisipan pa - tatlong buwan pa lang naman siya. HE

Ano sabi ni SHE? ME

Hindi ko pa sinabi kay SHE, sayo ko sana gustong i-open yung possibility. HE

Sa aso nga ayaw ko, sa bata pa kaya? ME

Iba naman yung aso. HE

Talagang iba. Just think, a child - a real child sa bahay natin. How will we raise a child sa set-up na ito? Lalaki lang yung batang sobrang deconstructed ang tignin sa pamilya. ME

Isn't that a good thing? HE

No, its not. Its hard enough as it is to be gay. But to grow-up with gay parents? It's not me I'm worried about, its the kid. I wouldn't want him or her to go through an even greater pain than what i've gone thru. ME all fired up

Wala lang, I just thought we could have a chance at a family. HE

My heart broke. Tatanga-tanga din kasi ako kung minsan talaga and 'insensitive' would be a kind word to use. I have, in front of me, a man who actually wants to have a family with me (kids and all) and look at what i'm doing?

Hey, YOU are my family. ME lifting his chin towards me. I'm not promising to reconsider but right now is not the best time or will the next six months be.You know i'm back in school and i'm failing 80% of my subjects already so i don't exactly have the greatest confidence right now for anything - more for rearing a child. ME

Where do you want us to go? HE



Ang saya siguro - may bulilit kami ni HE na kahit hindi galing sa aming dalawa ay sigurado namang mamahalin namin ng parang amin siya.

I admit, the thought excites me. But more than the excitement, is fear - HE and ME can very well provide para sa bulilit and we might even have extra. Kung care at love din lang of a family, we can provide the minimum. But then, we cannot protect the bulilit forever, eventually, lalabas yan sa pugad at pag nakita nya ang mundo, magtatanong na yan. Ano sasabihin namin pag naghanap ng nanay? Kapag nalaman nyang bakla kami? Kung lalaki siya - baka maging bakla din siya (not that i'm against it - bongga pag ganun!- pero you know what i mean, i would feel an ounce of guilt for pushing him to be gay)...

Gusto kong isipin na yung pagmamahal namin ni HE para sa bulilit ay magiging sapat para maging ok siya. pero hindi e - alam kong hindi. At oo, yung fears that i'm feeling are more for ME than for the bulilit. Takot ako. Takot ako to be completely responsible for a life.

There's a lot of stuff i think i can't do but when i actually have the courage to do, I do it well.

This is not one of those things.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Pizza Guy...

NO - I did not do it with a pizza guy.


I teach part-time and this sem, my class was on production and operations management. Once in while, I make it a point to share and invite insights on matters that interest me which, are often, irrelevant to the subject 

(Actually, I didn't want to do class, I was not in the mood for JITs, TQMs, weighted moving averages and exponential smoothing so I opted to discuss something else... Hehehe... Bad teacher! Bad!).

Last Saturday, I read a post from Sir Migs' blog to my class. It was an excerpt from D. M. Ruiz's The Mastery of Love. In essence, it says that when you have enough love in your heart to give, you would not beg for it but if you don't, then you would accept the pettiest of love. It gives an account on the unconditionality (made-up word, sorry... hehe) of love - that is, that it should not expect anything in return.


I remember posting a quote on the door of my room when I was still in college, it goes:

"We believe we are hurt when we don't receive love. But that is not what hurts us. Our pain comes when we do not give love. We were born to love. You might say that we are divinely created love machines. We function most powerfully when we are giving love. The world has led us to believe that our well-being is dependent on other people loving us. But this is the kind of upside down thinking that has caused so many of our problems. The truth is our well-being is dependent on our giving love. It is not about what comes back; it is about what goes out!"

Alan Cohen

The quote is still on the door up to this day.


So after the story I asked the class who would take the pizza guy's offer. One of my students raised his hand.

Sino crush mo? ME

Si Rocco Nacino sir. Student

Paano kung hindi niya kamukha si Rocco? ME

Tanggapin ko pa rin yung pizza niya sir. Student

Paano kung hindi naman pala masarap yung pizza niya? ME

Tanggapin ko pa rin sir. Student

Paano kung hindi lang ikaw ang binibigyan niya ng pizza? ME

Keri lang sir. Student

Paano kung maliit yung pizza niya? ME

Sir, kahit ano man siya at kahit ano pa yung ino-oofer niya, tatanggapin ko pa rin yung inaalok niya. Student

Bakit? You, of all people, should know the value of unconditional love - of JUST giving. No offense ha... ME

Sir, when all your life, you're used to JUST giving and then suddenly, someone, out of nowhere offers you something, i think you're most vulnerable to accept it. Kung minsan kasi sir, kailangan mo din na my natatanggap kahit konti lang - a sort of reassurance na hey, you matter to someone din. Kahit siguro ilusyon lang yun. Student

Sa isip ko, sinabi ko sa kanya - Bakla ka nga... Apir!

Pero ang lumabas na lang sa bibig ko ay: You're right. In the end, it all boils down to personal decisions. But if you don't want to get hurt, I tell you, don't accept the pizza guy's offer. ME

Kahit kamukha ni Rocco Sir? Student

Kahit pa si Rocco mismo yan. ME

Kahit napakabango ng pizza niya Sir? Student

Kahit na among baby pa. ME

Kahit sobarang malaki yung pizza niya sir? Student

Kahit na mas malaki pa kay Big Ben. ME

Hay sir, sana nga may lakas akong humindi kung sakali. Student

Ipapahiram ko bato ko sayo kung sakali. ME

And the class erupted to laughter.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Domestication of a Relationship....

For the first time, in like forever, HE and ME spent Valentine's together...


O, why are you here? ME on 14 Feb. 2011

Ayaw mo? Madali akong kausap. HE mocking to go out.

You know what I mean. ME

SHE's out with You-Know-Who and the twins are at their Lola's. HE

You-Know-Who has a name you know. ME

Care bear. HE

What? Hahahahahaha. Saan mo yan natutunan? ME laughing at HE's expression

Ah basta. We're doing Valentines together whether you like it or not. HE

I like it. Hehehehe. ME

Yun naman pala. HE

In one condition. ME

What? HE

No flowers, teddy bears or chocolates. ME

E ano gagawin natin? S*x agad? HE

Gago. Ang sweet mo talaga. ME

Hehehe. Joke lang. Sige, foreplay ngarud muna. HE attempting to striptease

Dito na lang tayo bahay. ME

Ano gagawin nga natin? HE

Ako magtutupi ng labada, ikaw magluluto. ME

Ok boss! HE trying to sound excited


I'm not used to having HE during Valentine's day.

Its just weird for me because I'm used to HE and SHE having all the holidays together with the twins.

I guess with Chris around, things will be a little different again.

It took quite a while for ME, HE and SHE to adjust to each other and now the dynamics will change.

Well at least, things between the three of us are a little more exciting.


So after three or more hours, here's the culmination of our V-day activities:

I swear, we change clothes more too often than we breathe.
Sopas for Valentines. Its nothing fancy, just the way I like it.  And HE knows how to make a good sopas. Yum!


I think our relationship is beginning domestication. Just look at us, doing the laundry, cooking and now Valentines Day. ME

Well its high time. HE

I looked at him and smiled.

Alam mo, prang kang gatas sa sopas ko. HE

Ha? ME

Kasi malabnaw ang buhay ko kung wala ka. HE

O CHIRST! Hahahahahahaha. ME nearly wanting to lie on the floor out of extreme happiness.

Come on - give me break, its Valentines. HE

Its nice you try to be funny and sweet but your better at kissing. ME

Kissing then it is... HE

Thursday, February 3, 2011

IDOL Wagon...

Chanced on Iurico's blog. 

I haven't watch Chris Medina's audition yet, but reading through it, the story sounded familiar...

Too familiar...

So ME texted HE to check the video.

Tunay na Buhay. Rhea Santos. HE replied.

Yey! ME

Hindi mo maalala? Iniyakan mo kaya un. HE

Che! ME




Here's the episode:


I guess this is what they mean when they say unconditional love...

To LIVE for SOMEONE else...

To totally disregard yourself and lay your life for another...

How strong must Wawel's & Chris' love be no?


May kapasidad kaya tayong magmahal ng ganun?

Tayong mga simpleng diyosa lamang?


But I am inspired - how appropriate for this time of the year.


Monday, January 31, 2011

Ako Un...

Ako yung batang laging nasa honor roll para lang mapakita sa lahat na kahit malamya ako, matalino naman...

Ako yung batang laging leader sa class para lang ma-assert ko yung sarili ko sa ibang lalaki...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-CR kapag lunch kasi ang daming lalaki sa banyo...

Ako yung batang kahit pawisan na after PE ay maghahanap ng tagong lugar para makapagpalit...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-sando...

Ako yung batang sobrang takot kapag boys scout jamboree kasi hindi niya kasama mga babaeng niyang kaibigan...

Ako yung batang inaasar ng ibang tatay na 'x-men'...

Ako yung batang pilit binibilhan ng basketball, baseball, soccer at sipa ng tatay para ma-enganyong maglaro...


Nung tinutubuan na ako ng buhok sa kili-kili...

Ako pa rin yung batang yun - walang nagbago, nadagdagan pa nga...

Ako yung tumakbong school president na natalo dahil yung kalaban niya sobrang gwapo...

Ako yung emcee nung prom para may excuse akong di makipagsayawan...

Ako yung pinapaharap ng mga kaibigan sa magulang kung kailangan magpaalam na pupunta sa kung saan...

Ako yung nagde-decide ng isusuot ng mama ko kapag magpi-pin na siya ng ribbon pag commencement...


Nung college na ako. Ganun pa din - the same kid and the same adolescent just a little taller...

Ako yung nasa all-boys dorm na umuuwi lang pag kailangan matulog...

Ako yung naliligo ng sobrang aga or sobrang late para lang hindi makasabay ang iba...

Ako yung nakokontento nang may-crush lang...

Ako yung grumaduate ng virgin...


Nung mejo naglibog...

Ako yung my mottong: Win them with my wits first baka they would see past the face...

Ako yung bigla na lang mag-o-offline kapag hinihingi na face pic...

Ako yung pine-permanently appear offline kapag nakita na face pic...

Ako yung nagi-iscarf at nagbo-bowtie sa office para lang may mapansin silang iba...

Ako yung pang-kaibigan lang talaga...

Ako yung nakakatawa...

Ako yung tinatawagan pag gustong matawa...


Ang drama.


Pero someone reminded me today of how insecure I still am.

Na beneath the confidence that I carry when I lecture in my classes or when I recite in school or when I present a proposal at work, ako pa rin yung batang matalino lang, na magaling lang magcolor coordination, na mabuting kaibigan lang...

Insecurity is like a ghost that haunts you. It creeps up inside you when your defenses are down.

Tapos na-isip ko si HE.

Bakit ganun? With HE's efforts to make me feel like i'm the only girl in the world, este secure, hindi pa rin mawala-wala yung prehistoric na insecurities ko...

Alam ko, hindi dapat i-asa sa iba ang pagkawala ng sumpa...

Nakaka-inis lang kasi na marealize mong akala mo nag-progress ka na pero sa isang iglap, you cascade (in a non-fashionable manner...) about 2 decades back...

'Dang insecurities!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


What if SHE and I get annulled? HE

The marriage you mean? ME pretending that the question was no more important than asking for a fresh towel.

Yes. HE said looking at me with his i'm-serious-damn-it-face.


I met someone. Well, more like met again. SHE during lunch yesterday.

HE told me, pero non-detailed. Kilala mo naman yun. Chismis - go! ME

College classmate before. Bumped into him sa supermarket with his kid. Yes, annulled siya with one kid. SHE


Hahahahahaha. SHE

So... ME trying to get more out of SHE

So, he's nice. A really good cook. And he pays me attention. SHE

I stared at SHE.

I know that look. ME

What look? SHE being defensive

That look when you look at HE - a sense of serenity after longing. ME

Hay, yun nga - I feel that way. Yung kalma lang ba lahat. Like everything's smooth sailing. SHE

Sarap no? ME

Niya? SHE

Hahaha. Loca! Hindi - yung feeling. Hahaha! ME

Hahahaha. Yeah. Alam mo naman na with HE and me, it's like a really old friendship na lang. Tapos with Chris, parang babae ulit ako. SHE

ME and SHE laughed in unison.


I looked at HE

And you're asking me because? ME

Huwag na lang, kalimutan mo na lang I asked. HE was pissed.

Look, its not going to make a difference for ME and our relationship. It's not like we can get married. ME

But it does matter with SHE. HE

I was silent. Ashamed even. Talagang minsan, sarili ko lang iniisip ko.

I buried my head in my palms. Yes, of course, an annulment would be favorable to SHE.


Alam mo the other day, HE was asking ME kung paano daw if you get annulled. ME

Ano sabi mo? SHE

Sabi ko, that wouldn't make a difference with us kasi we can't get married. I had to tell SHE the truth.

Pero you know what HE said? ME continued

Tumawa sya? SHE

Hindi. Sabi niya, it would matter to you just in case. ME

Ay... SHE

Why? ME

HE's really growing up. SHE

Hahaha. Akalain mo HE's capable of that? ME

I'm proud of HE you know - like a proud mama. SHE

Me too - the 'mama' part. Hehe. Pero SHE going back... ME

I don't know if I'll marry again... SHE interrupted. Ikaw ba, do you want us to get annulled?

I was stunned. I don't know if I am going to answer the way I answered HE - that it doesn't matter. Or would I unleash that 'girl' in me and say yes please.

We're okay naman di ba? I mean the way we are - this whole set up, it works. I finally said.

Don't you want more? SHE

I looked at SHE.

Do you? ME

No, not now. SHE

And you? SHE added.

I'm good. ME


I keep on thinking that SHE can't let go of HE, I can feel it to the gut. But I'm not jealous of SHE's attachment with HE - they do have a history together. I have come to accept that like rain in June.

Perhaps I can't let go of SHE as well - we have formed an attachment over the years that an annulment would only strain it.

And perhaps HE can't let go of either of us. HE's too comfortable with SHE and ME around.

Siguro kung minsan, hindi, madalas kaming tatlo lang ang nagkaka-intindahan.... Ewan. I'm still dumbfounded when it comes to the attachments we share with each other. But whatever we three have, we're okay.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

'S' Kaloy...

My students call me 'S' Kaloy.

The 'S' is for Sir. Hihihihihi.

On the start of classes, I have them sign an attendance sheet. On it is a posted question they should answer after they sign their names.

I find it a good mental exercise to prepare them for class discussion - classes are, after all, Socratic: Everyday is recitation day! Hehehehe.

I don't do roll class - they are a waste of time.


At the start of the year, I usually do a bucket list. So this year, I had my students suggest the one thing that they want me to do that they think I haven't done before.

60% says to pass them in class. (Hahahaha! I am a very lenient instructor, I have failed only one (1) student for ONLY coming to class after the midterm exams.)

30% says I should treat the class  to pizza or kwek-kwek or beer. (I am tempted as I have been late for my classes habitually. Bad! Kaloy! Bad!)

8% says to stay at equilibrium and not do anything new. (I don't know whether they're scared of my life and their grades if I die or they just simply like me the way I currently am.)

2% asked me to do the impossible. (Things, I know, in myself that I will not be able to do. Well, not at least with a good motivation. Like say, I get to kiss Craig Horner... Hihihihi)


Here's the 2% bit of their answers:

  • Try mo ko!! HAHAHA JOKE =)) (Hmmm... If he were taller... JOKE!)
  • TRY U MAGPAKASTRAIGHT SIR, TAPOS MAKAGF ULIT? (Ulit? My nalaman ba itong estudyanteng ito sa nakaraan ko?)
  • Try nyo umakyat pababa. Heheheh!!! (Di ba? the things they would like me to do!)
  • Pumasok ng maagang maaga :) (This one, I really can't commit to inasmuch as I want. :c)
  • BRING HIS BOYFRIEND IN ONE OF OUR CLASS :D (I have been asking HE to help me out during exams kasi departmentals usually para maiwasan ang leakage pero to no avail. HE's kinda scared of crowds - too many eyes on him would drive him bonkers.)
  • Magklase sa LUNETA!! Heheheh =) (I honestly do not know why this was suggested.)
  • BASKETBALL 1 ON 1 (Hmmm... This one's kinda cute... You think it has double meaning? An invitation perhaps.. Hehehe.)


But, albeit the tempting suggestions, my 2011 bucket list is empty up until now. I haven't found time to reflect on the things I wanted to do this year.

Perhaps, I don't need one this year.


Let ME try being spontaneous and impulsive this year - see where I get to.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

OF Cold Floors and the Smell of Bacon...

May lalake si SHE... HE

No hellos...

No hugs...

No kisses...

Just plain - May lalake si SHE


I was choosing between a turtle neck and a polo shirt.

Game plan was to hide the tattoo until WE get naked - I figured HE would not get into an argument while WE are in the middle of you-know-what...

I opted for the shirt, the turtle neck was just too obvious that something was up.

Leaving SHE's. HE texted

Bigla akong kinabahan - siguro excited lang ako.

That's how I am before s*x - or least when I know that I'm gonna score some...

There was a knock - it was HIS knock, I have been accustomed to its beat: three full knocks, a pause then two soft thuds...

I opened the door...


Yan, nasabi ko na. Judge me all you want... HE

HE was opening a pack of bacon already.

Your going to hate me for what I'm going to say but I need to say it. HE warned

What is SHE thinking - SHE's a mother of two! And SHE's my wife! Kasal siyang babae... HE continued.

He got a pan and turned the stove on.

Call me a pig... HE said

Pig. I said

Pero iba talaga kung sa babae. Double standard kung double standard. I'm guilty all you want pero that's how I feel... HE continued.

HE was now frying 5 strips of bacon.

What would you do without bacon? ME

HE looked at ME.

What would I do without you? HE

I looked at the tiled floor and smiled.

Come here. HE said.

I came closer. HE held ME by the waist then gently rubbed his lips over mine.

Hmmmmm. I hummed.

Let's do this. HE

Lets... ME


My back aches. Let's not do it on the kitchen floor again. ME

Hahahahahahaha. HE

WE were spooning on the cold floor. It should have been romantic but the floor was just too cold...

And don't think you could hide that from me. HE as he run his finger from my nape and down my spine.

I wasn't going to... ME

I like it - I just hope you'll like when you're all wrinkled. HE

I just hope you'll still like ME when I'm all wrinkled... ME

That would not be a problem... HE tightened his hug.

And SHE... I started.

I said my piece - I needed to say it. That's that. I should be the last person to judge. HE

My... My... Have we grown? ME

Don't mock... Pero you know what? I think somewhere inside is still a bruised straight male ego. HE

Kasi SHE is finally moving on from your marriage... ME

That and siguro, I really didn't expect it... Pero you know what, I'm happy with you and SHE should also be... HE

My smile went from ear to ear.

You know I'm proud of you, right? ME

HE kissed my nape.

And I of you. HE

And the coldness suddenly felt tolerable.

WE were warm.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Now I'm in Trouble...



How the hell will I explain this to HE?

: /