Friday, February 15, 2019

Same Familiar Feeling...

I woke up to the crackling sound of oil on a skillet.

I put on my glasses and went straight to the kitchen.

Sorry ser, nagising ka ata. Kinuha ko na lang yung pwedeng maluto sa ref - pasensya na po hindi na ako nagpaalam, ayaw po kitang gisingin. N

I just smiled.

Okay lang ba 'to ser? Ako na lang po magluluto ngayon saka kung gusto niyo pong magpalinis. N

Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin yan. ME

Eto lang po alam kong gawin para makabawi eh. N

Bumawi saan? ME

Sa pagpapatulog sa akin dito. N

Parang wala naman akong choice kagabi. ME

N just smiled and went on to fry the sausages, egg and the left over rice.

-o0o-

Oy! Visayas tayo - we'll meet you there by 10-ish. ME was with R on the phone.

I have work tomorrow. ME

So? When did that ever stop you? Hahahaha. R

Leche! Ewan ko, finishing something - let me see later. ME

Arte! See you! R hang up.

-o0o-

Gusto mong kape? Nagkakape ka ba? ME asked N

Opo. Salamat ser. N

I took out two sachets and poured them into hot water. Stirred them then offered one to N.

Yosi lang ako. ME

Puwede bang maki-hit ser? N

Oo naman, kaso sa balcony tayo - no smoking dito sa loob e. ME

Opo. N

We were on the balcony with a stick of Blues each. N lit the cigarette for ME.

Bakit ang dali mong malasing kagabi, lakas mo namann uminom nung fiesta ah. ME to N

Wala lang sa kondisyon ser - puyat lang din kasi sa trabaho. N

Oh, eh bakit di ka na lang nagpahinga kagabi? ME

Hindi naman madalas ser eh. Ska sabi ni Kuya R, bibihira ka lang daw makasama sa mga ganun. N

ME took a sip of coffee. ME was silent until the cigarette was finished.

-o0o-

Ang tagal mo! R immediately commented as I took a seat opposite him.

I told you I had to finish something. Oy, B2, musta? ME said to B2 sitting beside R.

Ayos lang po. Tagay mo na po agad. B2 said as he handed me a shot glass with some kind of blue concoction in it.

Agad-agad naman. Walang nang patumpik-tumpik. Hahaha. ME.

Ay friend, ikaw lang naman mahilig sa patumpi-tumpik. R

ME just gave R the "eye" and drank whatever the blue thing was. It was okay-tasting considering the color.

Masarap ser noh? It was N. He sat right beside ME.

Oy, kanina ka pa? ME

Opo, nag-CR lang. N

I gave R the "eye" again.

-o0o-

Kain na tayo ser. N said when he finished his cigarette. We were still on the balcony and the street below was starting to get busy.

Sige-sige, mukhang mahusay kang magprito. Hahaha. ME

Ay ser, mahusay talaga ako. N was teasing

Wala ka bang pasok ngayon? ME was trying to change the subject.

Meron po. Makikiligo lang sana ako ser tpos aalis na din - direcho na sa trabaho. N

Sige-sige. Bilisan mo baka ma-late ka pa. ME

We ate, had another cigarette, and then N took to the bathroom for a bath.

-o0o-

Into the night, and on our second pitcher of the blue concoction, our conversations become rowdier.

Basta ako, masaya lang. Living in the moment. R was declaring

Yan naman talaga dapat - wala naman tayong magagawa sa past and future. B2 added.

Isang future lang naman inaasam ko eh. It was N.

Ano yun? R asked.

N look at me.

Yung kasama ka. N finally said.

P*ta 'tol - hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Hahaha. B2

Ay o! May pa-damoves agad sa'yo friend. Hahahaha. R

I just laughed. N tapped by knees and said - Huwag kang mapipikopn ah.

Hahaha. Sige lang - sanay ako sa bola. ME

Basketball lang binobola ko 'kala mo. N

Shumat ka na lang kaya. ME offering my shot to N.

Pero kami mauuna na kasi may biyahe pa ako in 2 hours. Kayo na bahala diyan. R

Una na kami 'tol. B2 said to N

It felt planned. It was planned. LOL.

Ubusin lang natin 'to ser tapos hatid ko na po kayo baka meron pa kayong gagawin bukas. N

ME just smiled.

-o0o-

Ser! Ser! It was N shouting from the bathroom.

Yep? ME

Tuwalya po pala. N Said.

ME went to get fresh towels to give to N. The bathroom door was half open. N was inside showering. I slowly placed the towel on the knob and tried to close it.

Abot mo na lang. N noticed ME at the door.

ME handed him the towel.

N handed me some...

This, ito, ngayon lang 'to. ME was saying between kisses.

Kaya sulitin na natin. N replied.

And I went down the drain after that.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Same Time Last Year...

R invited us (me and D) to come over about the same time last year to his place. It was Sto. NiƱo's feast and it was tradition that he celebrates - even though R was practically agnostic.

I never really obliged because it was faaarrrrrr. But since we were not able to meet last year for the group birthday celeb, D and I agreed to go.

We were already there before lunch to help R out on the preps. He had pancit, chicken, salad and biko (I swear he makes the best kakanin!). ME brought the cake and D brought brandy which R immediately commented as "Kulang yan, pupunta buong team" followed by the gayest "Hahahahahaha" I've heard.

Anong buong team? D asked

Si B2, nagsabing pupunta sila ng mga kasama niya. R explained.

No! This is not going to be a Fraternity X night! ME shouted.

'To naman, ang linis linis mo! R shouted back. Eh kung may gusto kayo eh di go, kung wala eh 'di wala! Hahahaha. R added

Ang lakas mong maka-bugaw noh? Hahahaha. D also laughed.

Pero hindi nga, pupunta din sila Nanay at si Kuya tapos si Aling Rosa sa kabila - it's not just us. Kala niyo sa 'kin?! Hahahahahaha. R said in his defense.

I and ME just looked at him with raised eyebrows and an "Ah uhm."

We all laughed.

-o0o-

It was a riot when R's family came - complete with the nieces running around, scraping their knees then back to running. And boy oh boy were they hungry. Hahahahaha.

I'm just glad there was some more barbecue after they left.

So there I was, grilling pork by the garage when B2 arrived with the "team." He opened the gate with familiarity and let himself and his friends in.

Happy fiesta po. He greeted when he saw me.

Happy fiesta sir. Said the rest.

I just smiled. Si R nasa kusina lang. May pagkain pa sa loob - kayo na bahala. ME said.

Opo. B2 said and ushered his friends inside.

Hindi siya nagbibiro nung sinabi niyang buong team. Hahahaha. D whispered when he came to me outside.

Oy, oy! May B1 ka na. San pala yun? Bakti di mo sinama? ME asked D.

Nasa probinsya pa yun. Sem's not started yet. D replied as he gave me glass of the brandy he brought.

Si R? I asked.

Yun, sa loob. Nagpapaka-mamasan. Hahahaha. D answered.

And true enough R was being the perfect host - like a wife when the husband's work colleagues come to visit their home. Or like a day care nanny. Hahahaha.

I have never really seen this side of R before. Hahaha. I commented to D.

Di ba? Lakas maka-asawa ng lola mo. Or pwede ding yaya. D read my thought.

Inggit lang kayo. It was R, out to get some barbecue from ME.

'Te, okay na ako. Quota na. Hahaha. ME said.

Weh? Talaga lang ba? Si N, tinatanong pangalan mo. Sasabihin ko ba? R was grinning.

Sinong N? D asked.

Huwag pahalata. Yung naka plain black shirt na kalbo. R described N.

Not interested. ME said.

He's looking o! D silently exclaimed.

At that time, really, ME was genuinely not interested. ME was more focused on the grilling of pork.

-o0o-

Ako na lang sir magtuloy niyan, kanina ka pa nagluluto eh. It was N.

Okay lang ako. Gusto kong may ginagawa. Pero salamat sa offer. ME

N went back inside.

Ayaw mo talaga? R asked.

Ayaw ang alin? ME was playing innocent.

Virgin 'te? R replied

Bakit mo ba pinipilit? Nag-down ka na ba diyan? Hahahaha. ME

Tsye! Nabanggit lang kita last time they were here. R

They're always here I bet. Hahaha. Paanong nabanggit? ME

Kasi sabi niya last time baka daw may "kagaya" ako, baka puwede ko daw bang ipakilala sa kanya. R

I just looked at R.

Alam mo na, benefactor to put it bluntly. Hindi naman pwede si D kasi may B1 na yun. Ikaw yung libre sa 'tin. Ikaw yung malungkot at walang pinagkakagastusan. Hahahahaha! R added.

I-barbecue kita gusto mo? ME threatening R with a barbecue stick.

Saka sinong may sabing malungkot ako? Okay akong mag-isa. Kaya ko. Empowered ako. ME

R just looked at ME.

At mahirap ako! Maraming gastusin! Hahahaha. ME added

I'm not your friend for nothing. I know. I see. I feel you're lonely friend. R

And kaysa you go on occasional paid sex or hook-ups, ito constant. R added like telemarketer selling me a set of knives.

Constant hanggang may nabibigay ka. ME rebutted

Eh may binibigay din naman siya. Quits kayo. R in his defense

I know you mean well. But that's you and D's thing. Isa pa, I don't know how to play this game. I'll end up losing eventually. ME

This is not about something deeper than what it is. You support him, he gives you great s*x and treat you like a girlfriend. That's it. Is love needed? No. But I tell you friend, there will be care and if you're lucky - loyalty. And with who we are now, these are all that matters. R

I gave a faint smile.

This is the only way I know how to look after you. And know that I only mean the best - based sa experience ko with B2. R said as he hugged me.

Alam ko friend. It's just that, I don't want to be the gay that boys or men treat and look at like an ATM. ME said carelessly.

Aray. Preno ka naman. R

You know what I mean - I'm okay with whatever it is so long as it's not me. ME clarified

I support B2. And B2 gives me the support that no money can buy. Hirap i-explain kaya nga nire-reto kita. Mukhang gamitan yung relasyon namin - at gamitan naman talaga pero there's something there that's just hard to explain. That something has been what kept me sane for these past years. R

Friend, I'm good. And i love you for being a bugaw for me. Hahaha. It's just not for me at this point. ME

-o0o-

Looking back at that day now and recounting the conversation I had with R makes me want to slap myself for not sticking with the things I said.

I'm so inconsistent that way.

But yes, everything R said was foretelling.






Monday, November 12, 2018

Same Old Place...

"Nasa Laguna ako, kasama ko mag-ina ko." 

And with one text, I'm back to the place I have struggled so hard to leave.

Sometimes, I feel like there's a permanently marked sign on my forehead that says: Pumapatol sa pamilyado. Welcome, please come in.

I don't plan these things - though I'm guilty on ignoring the red flags.

I prolong finding out the truth because I get lost in a dream and the promise of a future.

Alam ko ilusyanada ako.

Perhaps, after everything, illusion is all I have left.

So yeah, what a way to break a blogging hiatus.






Thursday, February 22, 2018

On Casual Crushing...

How hard is it to pretend that you are not aware that I'm looking at you?
If stares could pierce like laser eyes - you'd be a gazillion atoms dispersed by now.
You don't have to play power with me - I submit to you entirely.
You have both my eyes, my stare, my gaze.
Even when I'm not looking - I am.
Even if I become blind this instant - it would be your face that'd appear in the nothingness.

You can't ignore me anyway - I am forcing my presence strongly.
I am also humiliating myself.
Why are you teasing me with your nonchalant feigning?
The casual biting of the lip.
The wetting of your upper lip by your tongue.

You talking with a guy on your right has evoked in me insurmountable jealousy.
You're mocking my flirting - I am once again humiliated.
But also glad - happy - that you notice me.
Or perhaps you noticing is just in my head.

I envy the girl you winked at from across the room.
I know (hope) that she's only a friend.
I hope I was a friend too.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

On A Lost Conversation...

I envy that you still feel that. SHE

Feel what? ME

That excruciating squeeze in your heart when someone hurts you. SHE replied.

ME was at SHE's over the weekend. We were supposed to attempt to make home-made ensaymada but ended up folding the laundry instead.

I wish I didn't. ME said.

Don't say that. You're lucky you know. SHE

Expound. ME challenged SHE

To feel the pain is a gift. At least that's how I see it. It's a gift because that sprang from a special place. It means you still love with a heart that's not been numbed by all the previous hurt you had to go through. Or that you have such a big heart that all the scars could not possibly cover the enormity of your heart's size. It means you're human and you're living. And that you can still love like nothing matters - like you can still lose the world for someone. SHE said with a hint of longing in her voice.

ME just looked at SHE.

SHE looked back. In her eyes was genuine envy.







P.S.

I had this somewhere in my draft files from last year. The "hurt" was from being lied to and giving that person a chance to say the truth but lied anyway.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Of Resetting...

2018 started with zero.

I practically have nothing.

And I need to start from scratch.

It's scary for me and I've been thinking - feeling - about it the few days leading to the New Year.

Several realizations came to heart and mind:

1. When you have family - you have everything. I know this in my mind. Now I know it in my heart and my being. When I was at my lowest the whole year last year, my Mamma had one thing to say: "Come home son." And it was all you really needed to hear at that moment.

2. You eventually get to see the people who are there for you when you have nothing. Friends have been paying for my rent, my credits and my other bills. They have been feeding me and buying me stuff (I need and not need just because). They have been booking (and paying) for my Uber rides because my fare wasn't enough. These are just the mundane stuff - the emotional support they have given me throughout last year made the burden a lot lighter.

3. Social Media gives a a false sense of "presence" and a shallow feeling of "belonging-ness." The number of likes, of comments, or of views does not help you in real life - it just fuels an empty bubble that bursts into anxieties and frustrations. So I'm off all social media. I can live without it.

4. Everything is an opportunity. We were attending the 6PM Sunday Service before the Christmas Eve Mass (because nobody wanted to commit to go to the 10PM Mass) and it just hit ME in Church. But just to be clear, I'm never really a religious person - I like to think that I'm more spiritual. So there, kneeling after receiving Communion,  beside my family, I prayed: "Thank you for this pain and this suffering. Because now, I have the opportunity to heal. And this healing is a miracle that not everybody get to experience." I cried in Church for the first time (not counting funerals). From then on, I didn't feel bad about the situation, I felt a sense of privilege that I will get to be healed.

I seldom talk about belief here because, from my background, there can never be an argument on belief - it's the weakest argument. But I guess, Blaise Pascal had some sense when he said: "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

5. Answered prayers do not always come in pretty wrappers and fancy ribbons. This I learned from a colleague. I have always prayed to be able to reset everything and start all over again. And I just realized that the situation I'm in now is exactly what I prayed for. Not what I expected in my mind but nonetheless, something workable. It's not what I WANT, but in direly NEED of - that makes a lot of difference in so many angles.

So yeah, that's me preaching right there. Ima take you to Church sistah for the year! Amen!

Hahahaha! Sorry na agad.

Cheers to an abundant 2018!

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Dear 2017...

You've been really tough on me.

I have passed the point of questioning why, of all the people, would it all fall on me - fast and one after another.

I lost mobility for three months because of an awful accident.

I lost a job.

I lost M.

I've been fending for my life for the last three months trying to make ends meet. And accruing credit after credit after credit. I'm practically in deep debt shit.

I know I've been making bad decisions.

Unsound ones.

I know I've been making unsustainable choices.

Decisions I don't want to regret - but starting to.

You've given me the worst I have ever had.

And I find it really hard to pick myself up - there's just too much of a mess of everything.

I'm just really ready to give up.


Yours,

K

--------------
UPDATE 1 (21 Dec. 2017)

I forget sometimes that this is a public blog. Most of the time, when I write here, I just really want a release and to remember key moments in my heart and mind.

So for you, who reads this, thank you for the silent company. We are kindred spirits.