Monday, November 12, 2018

Same Old Place...

"Nasa Laguna ako, kasama ko mag-ina ko." 

And with one text, I'm back to the place I have struggled so hard to leave.

Sometimes, I feel like there's a permanently marked sign on my forehead that says: Pumapatol sa pamilyado. Welcome, please come in.

I don't plan these things - though I'm guilty on ignoring the red flags.

I prolong finding out the truth because I get lost in a dream and the promise of a future.

Alam ko ilusyanada ako.

Perhaps, after everything, illusion is all I have left.

So yeah, what a way to break a blogging hiatus.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

On Casual Crushing...

How hard is it to pretend that you are not aware that I'm looking at you?
If stares could pierce like laser eyes - you'd be a gazillion atoms dispersed by now.
You don't have to play power with me - I submit to you entirely.
You have both my eyes, my stare, my gaze.
Even when I'm not looking - I am.
Even if I become blind this instant - it would be your face that'd appear in the nothingness.

You can't ignore me anyway - I am forcing my presence strongly.
I am also humiliating myself.
Why are you teasing me with your nonchalant feigning?
The casual biting of the lip.
The wetting of your upper lip by your tongue.

You talking with a guy on your right has evoked in me insurmountable jealousy.
You're mocking my flirting - I am once again humiliated.
But also glad - happy - that you notice me.
Or perhaps you noticing is just in my head.

I envy the girl you winked at from across the room.
I know (hope) that she's only a friend.
I hope I was a friend too.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

On A Lost Conversation...

I envy that you still feel that. SHE

Feel what? ME

That excruciating squeeze in your heart when someone hurts you. SHE replied.

ME was at SHE's over the weekend. We were supposed to attempt to make home-made ensaymada but ended up folding the laundry instead.

I wish I didn't. ME said.

Don't say that. You're lucky you know. SHE

Expound. ME challenged SHE

To feel the pain is a gift. At least that's how I see it. It's a gift because that sprang from a special place. It means you still love with a heart that's not been numbed by all the previous hurt you had to go through. Or that you have such a big heart that all the scars could not possibly cover the enormity of your heart's size. It means you're human and you're living. And that you can still love like nothing matters - like you can still lose the world for someone. SHE said with a hint of longing in her voice.

ME just looked at SHE.

SHE looked back. In her eyes was genuine envy.


I had this somewhere in my draft files from last year. The "hurt" was from being lied to and giving that person a chance to say the truth but lied anyway.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Of Resetting...

2018 started with zero.

I practically have nothing.

And I need to start from scratch.

It's scary for me and I've been thinking - feeling - about it the few days leading to the New Year.

Several realizations came to heart and mind:

1. When you have family - you have everything. I know this in my mind. Now I know it in my heart and my being. When I was at my lowest the whole year last year, my Mamma had one thing to say: "Come home son." And it was all you really needed to hear at that moment.

2. You eventually get to see the people who are there for you when you have nothing. Friends have been paying for my rent, my credits and my other bills. They have been feeding me and buying me stuff (I need and not need just because). They have been booking (and paying) for my Uber rides because my fare wasn't enough. These are just the mundane stuff - the emotional support they have given me throughout last year made the burden a lot lighter.

3. Social Media gives a a false sense of "presence" and a shallow feeling of "belonging-ness." The number of likes, of comments, or of views does not help you in real life - it just fuels an empty bubble that bursts into anxieties and frustrations. So I'm off all social media. I can live without it.

4. Everything is an opportunity. We were attending the 6PM Sunday Service before the Christmas Eve Mass (because nobody wanted to commit to go to the 10PM Mass) and it just hit ME in Church. But just to be clear, I'm never really a religious person - I like to think that I'm more spiritual. So there, kneeling after receiving Communion,  beside my family, I prayed: "Thank you for this pain and this suffering. Because now, I have the opportunity to heal. And this healing is a miracle that not everybody get to experience." I cried in Church for the first time (not counting funerals). From then on, I didn't feel bad about the situation, I felt a sense of privilege that I will get to be healed.

I seldom talk about belief here because, from my background, there can never be an argument on belief - it's the weakest argument. But I guess, Blaise Pascal had some sense when he said: "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

5. Answered prayers do not always come in pretty wrappers and fancy ribbons. This I learned from a colleague. I have always prayed to be able to reset everything and start all over again. And I just realized that the situation I'm in now is exactly what I prayed for. Not what I expected in my mind but nonetheless, something workable. It's not what I WANT, but in direly NEED of - that makes a lot of difference in so many angles.

So yeah, that's me preaching right there. Ima take you to Church sistah for the year! Amen!

Hahahaha! Sorry na agad.

Cheers to an abundant 2018!

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Dear 2017...

You've been really tough on me.

I have passed the point of questioning why, of all the people, would it all fall on me - fast and one after another.

I lost mobility for three months because of an awful accident.

I lost a job.

I lost M.

I've been fending for my life for the last three months trying to make ends meet. And accruing credit after credit after credit. I'm practically in deep debt shit.

I know I've been making bad decisions.

Unsound ones.

I know I've been making unsustainable choices.

Decisions I don't want to regret - but starting to.

You've given me the worst I have ever had.

And I find it really hard to pick myself up - there's just too much of a mess of everything.

I'm just really ready to give up.



UPDATE 1 (21 Dec. 2017)

I forget sometimes that this is a public blog. Most of the time, when I write here, I just really want a release and to remember key moments in my heart and mind.

So for you, who reads this, thank you for the silent company. We are kindred spirits.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

How To Break...

"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.

"Why would it forget?" Mama

We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.

"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME

"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama

"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME

"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama

"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME

"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama

I gave a faint smile.

"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama

"But not love him." ME

"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama

Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.

P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Bagets 101...

Remember R?

Well we got into talking over dinner the other day and I asked him how he and B2 lasted that long.

He was quick to qualify what “last” means - it means intermittently seeing each other over a number of years. No relationships. Some expectations. Always bounded by rules.

So I asked him, what exactly are these rules anyway? So here’s a run-down of the things to remember when dealing with bagets. Paraphrased as I remember it.

0. Bagets should not be a minor.

1. You are not the girlfriend. You are not a girl. Period. So you have no business where he’s been or what he’s doing. Huwag kang needy bakla.

2.  Wala ka din dapat paki-alam kung my keme siyang ibang (mga) bakla. Kaya play safe lang lage kasi you don’t know where that’s been.

3. Kung free siya, hindi ka free - no pressure. And vice-versa. And you do not wait for him - if he says he’s coming by 9 PM and he comes in late, do not nag.

4. Trust should never be present (not the condom – although yes, the condom too). Always be on guard on your things.

5. Never dole out without anything in return. Dapat laging may kapalit. Kasi kapag nalaman niyang pwede naman pala yun - lagot ka na.

6.  You should have no care if he takes a private call when you’re together.

7. Do not be social media friends.

8. Ang toka mo lang dapat siya - hindi yung girlfriend niya, anak niya, magulang o mga kapatid niya o yung basketball team nila. Hindi dapat package deal.

Being the frustrated lawyer that he is, he said those 8 rules are GENERAL rules, there is an exemption. 

R says that you will be able to FEEL sincerity, honesty and goodness. Hindi yung binobola ka na lang niya. There will be instances where bagets will prove this. But do not mistake it daw as love. If you feel in your heart that he is true, then give a little trust - this little trust will make the “intermittent seeing each other” last longer.

I gotta love the wisdom of my friends. LOL!