Musings of the Old...

I'm spent.

My body, mind, and soul are depleted. Or at least it feels like that.

I have never felt so alone and lonely during the past year with the pandemic and all.

Literally, what I have felt all my life, was physically manifested and it was scary: to live the rest of my life  in constant alone-ness. 

-o0o-

The mother and the baby are fine. Home delivery kasi hirap ang hospitals ngayon. Mabuti may kumadrona sa community. SHE reported. ME was silent.

That was late last year. I was just relieved that the networks of SHE were efficient. For ME, that was the last act that I can muster to do for N.

What about N? SHE asked.

I'm sure he can find another gay man and he has his wife. I am but always "among the others" SHE. ME admitted what I have been thinking with all of the men.

And I should know better. SHE remarked.

You're different, you know that. I will never put you in the same light as I would put them. ME said as if I was directly looking at SHE.

Good. I just wanted to validate. I can hear SHE smirk over the phone.

I would be in the gutter if not for you - you are my eternal love SHE. ME replied.

And you mine. SHE quickly answered.

-o0o-

Perhaps HE and SHE was the last genuine relationship I would have ever have.

Perhaps I was not meant to find a love over and beyond the benefactor role.

Perhaps I don't deserve to.

All these "perhaps" are everyday anxieties I had to overcome because I had work to do, because I needed to live, because I needed to not fail in other things.

-o0o-

Pasabi naman po kay N na kailangan magpa-check up yung baby. It was a text.

M? ME texted back.

Opo Sir. Mag-3 buwan na po kasing di umuuwi si N. Alam ko naman po na jan sa pumupunta. M replied

My heart melted. N has not been with me since THAT day in April.

M, sorry, hindi ko na nakita si N since last year. ME

Ganun po ba - alam nyo po ba kung nasan sya? M

Sorry M - hindi ko alam. Text mo si B2 baka alam niya. ME

That was the last text I sent - there would NOT be any point in the communication and honestly - I would not want to re-involve myself in their lives. I have that much courage now. Come to think of it,  I didn't even ask anymore how M got a hold of my number. 

I'm done - that much I know.

-o0o-

But what's next for an old gay man?

What is there to live for?

Work? Promotion? A new house? A car?

All these are material.

But what do I have to live for now when I have been so used to living for others? 

It sounds altruistic, but trust me, it's not.

No one needs me now. There's always someones else that can provide something more - give something more. Who doesn't nag and who can spare any amount. Is this not the reality we face when we fall in love with straight men? Or that's just me.

-o0o-

Siguro this is how it is when you're old - you spent most of your days asking questions and going through the past over and over wishing it will have a different ending.

This much I know, what's amazing (and also cruel) about age is that hope always seem to manage staying behind. A little less than when you were young, but always a little more to help you survive daily.

I don't know what I'm hopeful for. But I'm hopeful.

Today, this thought is enough to survive.