Thursday, October 27, 2016


My “gay” circle is very small. Aside from HE, I only have two other close gay friends. 

D is academically accomplished: PhD and all. 

R on the other hand was not able to finish college because he got bored. He works for multiple BPOs (I don’t know how he does it).

We meet like bongga at least once a year to celebrate our birthdays. Although we were born in different years and months, we celebrate together nearing the end of the year because that’s when all our birthdays are “done.”

D was hosting this year. D is your unico hijo who’s living in the ancestral house that nobody wants (because everyone else in his family is perfect abroad with their first-world lives).

ME went there alone.

I was there ahead of R, the door was opened by a twink who showed me to the kitchen where D was.

“Ang lakas maka-PBB Teens ng scholar mo ha.” ME to D

“Hahahahahaha. Naman!” D

“Legal na ba yan?” ME

“Oo naman! Last last month he turned 19 na - so we decided for him to move in na. And yes, 19 - mahirap na.” D

“Hahaha. But WE decided?” ME asked

“He consented - ganun na din un. Hahaha!” D laughed - half convinced of his reply.

“You know how these things work…” D added

“I don’t… How do THESE things work?" ME teased looking at Bagets 1 (Yeah, there’s a Bagets 2, even maybe Bagets 3).


B1 was a scholar in his freshmen year in the University D was teaching. He was D’s student assistant as all scholars were required to put-in time for the administration and faculty.

B1’s scholarship was lost in his sophomore year as his grades didn’t quite hit the mark. He was taking on two jobs and was in-charge of his two young nieces (his Ate went abroad and left the kids to him). D took on the school fees as B1 cannot possibly keep two jobs and take care of the kids. But with B1’s insistence, he got to at least keep one part-time job.

“Nahihiya kasing humingi, gusto niya meron saying sarili.” D explained

B1’s mom was there too but has substance abuse and was living with a “partner” who shares the same “substance.” With the recent war on drugs, B1’s mom (and partner) were “necessary” casualties.

“I insisted on paying the funeral services kasi hindi naman nila kaya. Sabi ko utang muna niya.” D said

B1’s Ate finished her contract overseas, so “they” decided to move-in as the nieces had someone to take care of them.

“Sabi ko nuon, pwede naman kami na mag-alaga para maka-abroad ulit yung ate niya. Pero sabi niya, ano naman daw sasabihin niya sa ate niya kung bakit ako yung mag-aalaga.” D said with just a hint of sadness in his voice.

B1 explains to his family and friends that he is working as a “boy” in a family in one of QC’s subdivisions. That it's the "family" paying for his school.


“THESE things… These relationships. I’m the sponsor, he’s the beneficiary.” D

“So the sponsor gets to decide for everything?” ME probed

“Necessarily, anyone who controls the resource - controls the man.” D

“Or bagets in this case.” ME smiled

“Chaka mo, bakit my interrogation ako? Asan si HE, este M?” D

“M has work bukas. Gaga ka. Hahahaha!” ME

“Anong tawanan ‘to?” It was R - finally

“Ay! Ang aga mo for next year ‘te.” D

“Hindi na kayo nasanay. Hinintay ko pa ‘to eh.” R pointing to Bagets 2

“Good evening po sir.” B2

“Si B2 pala, kapitbahay ko. Si ME at D - mga kaibigan ko since birth.” R

ME and D both waved to B2.

“Bago?” ME asked R

“Luma. Hahahaha. Ano ba.” R flirted

“K” ME and D said in unison rolling our eyes

“Asan si HE?” R asked

“Ewan - tanungin mo siya.” ME replied

“M kasi 'te. M. Hahaha!” D replied

“Ay. I forgot. Sorry na 'te. Hahaha. Asan si M?” R

“Nag-usap ba kayong dalawa? Kakaloka. Hahaha. M has work early tomorrow - yun na, last na ha.” ME

“K” D and R also said in unison - smirking

“Bigay mo kay B2 - legal na bang uminom yan?” D giving a bottle of beer to R

“Importante ba yun? Hahaha!”

“Ayoko ng eskandalo o pulis ‘te.”

“Hahaha. B2 is 20.” R

“Patingin ng birth certificate.” ME said to B2

“Hehehe. 20 na po ako sir - 21 na nga po next week.” B2

“Grabe kayo sa akin. Hahaha!” R


B2 recently became a father. Pregnancy and birthing  package care of R. They have known each other for over 7 years (as they were neighbours).

B2 was introduced to R by a basketball teammate and they hit it off.

“Yung teammate niya talaga yung keme ko pero nagka-girlfriend kaya ayaw niya daw muna kaya sinama niya yang si B2. Substitute niya daw. Ang cute noh - pati sa keme parang basketball pa din. Hahaha!” R

He did not finish high school as he had to work like the rest of his family. He only has basketball as refuge from all the opportunities he had lost.

“Alam niyo naman yang area ko - Slum Republic. Banat-buto, tapos inom, tapos basketball tapos repeat hanggang makabuntis. Tapos kapag one year old na yung bata - repeat cycle ulit. Hahaha!” R


B1 and B2 were in-charge of the dishes. Actually B1 was, it was a domestic set-up he and D agreed on but B2 offered his help.

All three of us were smoking outside, doning a glass of whiskey each.

“Cute niyong dalawa.” ME said

R and D looked at ME.

“Tignan niyo mga bagets niyo - sisipag. Hahahaha!” ME continued

“Tsye! Mas okay na sila - sumusunod. Hindi ko na kaya ang stress ng relationships - at least kay bagets, kapag sinabi kong hindi - hindi, kung oo - oo. Simple lang lahat.” R

“And yes, power-relation siya. And I’d like to have the upper hand.” D

“R, eh pamilyado na yan. Saka D, until when?” ME

“Its a consequence naman with any straight guy eh. Pero ako din naman lalapitan niyan kapag nangangailangan.” R

“Until he leaves me. Pero sana kahit empowered na siya on his own, he, somehow, I am hoping, he stays because he loves me din pala. Ganun! That’s at least the story in my head.” D

“Ewan ko kung matutuwa ako kasi my friends are eternally hopeless unconditional lovers or to feel bad kasi tanga niyo lang sa mga ganito.” ME

“Oi, its not all unconditional. Hahahaha! Huwag magmalinis ’te.” R to D

“Hahaha. Tsye! Its the only currency they know. I mean, di ba, how else? Pero bonus na lang naman yun - it’s the company. Its being responsible for someone.” D

“O, etong corona ‘te.” R placing an invisible crown to D’s head and D eventually holding the crown in place.

All of us were laughing - we are eternal Miss Universe fans (who isn't?).

“Eh how is this different from rent boys kung ganun?” ME

“Ay ang bastos! Hahahaha!” R

“May relasyon - hindi lang transaksyon.” D

“Pwedeng motivational quote yan tapos si DJ Durano yung background!” R

We all laughed in unison again.

“So it’s really control and power ganun.” ME

“Yes, for me.” D

“Ako, mukhang ako yung kinokontrol at yung ginagamitan ng power. Hahahaha. Ma-bola eh, basketball player kasi. Nadadala naman ako.” R

“Just, take care of yourselves, you know how these things end. Yan lang sa akin - be cautious.” ME

We all cheered to that.

At the distance, B1 and B2 were now singing THAT Gary V. song:

Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin kapit ka sa akin
Hindi kita bibitawan

Charot ko lang yung song. But they were really singing.


I won't be the judge of my friends.

So here’s to whoever you decide to love!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Paano ba sukatin ang sapat?

Sabi ni M hindi sapat yung pinakilala ko siya sa mga kaibigan ko, sa trabaho ko at higit sa lahat, sa pamilya ko.

Kulang yun para sa kanya para masabing mahal ko siya.

Naghahanap siya ng kilig.

Sabi niya itigil muna namin, kapag na-miss niya ako ibig sabihin mahal niya nga ako.

Kapag hindi - hindi.


I am not enough for M.

The things I do are not enough.

Tama naman siya - kulang ako sa panahon, sa lambing, sa pagsuyo.

I am not exactly the sweetest or the most thoughtful.

I barely show how much I  have come to love him.

Tama naman siya - kulang na kulang ako.

Pero M, ikaw, kahit wala kang gawin sapat na sapat ka na sa akin - sobra sobra pa madalas.

Pasensiya na hindi sapat iyon para maging sapat ako sa iyo.


If this is a phase M has to go through, I'll let him go through it.

It's just that the manner of M saying that our relationship will be based on whether or not he misses ME like he's the only one that matters in all this, saddens me to the core.

I know no other way of loving someone. What I do for M, what I am - that is all I have to give.

Here's to hoping that I am enough.

Monday, August 1, 2016

My Morning...

They are my nights
You are my morning

While nights are filled with passion
Mornings are drowned with compassion

The nights are different and exciting
Mornings are always the same and reassuring

Nights are endless chases and ends without guarantee
Mornings are steady and full of security

And while its fun playing in the dark
It is in the light that I must lark

So I enjoy my night
But it is my morning that I hold on tight

You are my morning
And I will choose morning over any other night

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

In the End...

J went to see you. HE

That's supposed to be a question. ME

No - its a statement. Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin? HE

Bakit? Para saan? I don't think i'm obligated to tell you anything. ME

HE just looked at ME.

You're right. You're not obligated. There was that familiar defeat in HE's voice.

I don't want to make it any bigger than it is. J dropped by to say sorry. Yun lang tapos umalis na siya. ME

It's your fault you know. HE

Oh? Bakit ako na naman, ang tahimik ng buhay ko. Huwag ako. ME

All the things J did, he was seeking attention. Attention that I was not giving. Kasi ikaw naman talaga - in the end ikaw talaga K. Ikaw naman talaga ang mahal ko. HE

ME stopped and turned to HE.

It's not the end so its not ME. Huwag ako. Ano b?! Okay na ako. Of course I love you pero hindi ko na kakayanin pa ulit yung mga eksena natin. ME

You love M that much? HE

M's the reason I can talk to you and be here in the same room. The last two-three years with M has gave me a lifetime of peace that we both can never give each other. ME

But you don't love him as much. HE insinuated.

Love who? SHE butted in when SHE entered the kitchen.

HE and ME just looked at each other.

Oh eh di magsikretohan kayo. Sanay ako. Hahaha. SHE Laughed.

ME smirked.

Okay lang hindi ko malaman, pero please lang, huwag na kayong magbalikan. Huwag ako - hindi ko kaya ang stress niyong dalawa ulit. SHE procalimed.

Hahahahahahahahaha! HE let out a very hearty laugh.

Noted Madam! ME said and laughed too.


It's not the first time HE hinted on wanting to get back together.

But really,  the adult thing to do is not base decisions on the amount of love.

Whether more or less, any love, any amount of love, can be nourished. In time, it will amass so much that it overpowers your first love or your second and it will be the only love you will ever need.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Office Visit...

J was sitting in the office lobby - a vase of succulents in his hands.

He stood up when he saw ME - smiled and waived.

"I honestly am surprised - siguro just follow me to my work station muna." ME said to J.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for coming unannounced pero hindi ka kasi nagreply sa last na text ko." J said en route to my work station.

"And this should merit you coming here?" ME

"Easy on the kasungitan." J said grinning. J has a nice grin.

"I sound like that on a regular basis." ME

"Alright -alright. These are for you." J handing me the succulents.

"Ayaw ko - para saan?" ME said (like a virginal high schooler)

"Hahaha. HE was right - you're naive." J

"Look, just get it. Its my apology for all things HE. It'll make me feel less guilty." J

"Ah. HE said that? Well, okay naman ako - matagal naman na akong okay. Wala naman dapat pa pag-usapan." ME

"Okay. I felt lang na I needed to say it personally." J

"Well, you've said it." ME

"I did. Yeah... So, yeah - I'm going." J

"Yeah. Salamat para sa mga cactus." ME

"Hahahaha. You're welcome. You're funny. It's cute." J smiled again.

ME waived goodbye to J, sat on my chair and placed the succulents on top of my actionable files.


Thursday, April 14, 2016

Nope, Not ME Please...

HE's lying. You know how HE is.

The text was from an unregistered number. I presume it was from J.

I don't want any of this. I'm not about to be tangled in an [ex] lover's brawl.

As far as I'm concerned, this is their issue. Not mine.

No ME.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

About J (Again)...

J's giving it to his classmate. HE said over the phone.

The what? What is this about again? ME said on the other line.

J. The things he's been getting from me, he's giving it to a classmate. HE

Okay. Is this good or bad? ME

The stealing is bad. But what's worse I think is that they're more than classmates. HE

Ha? Assumptions mo? ME

Hindi. I saw it. I smelled it. HE

Kanino? ME

Sa kalaguyo niya. They do group studies sa bahay - pero may mga kasama naman silang iba. HE

Me was silent.

Right under my nose. Crazy. HE

Are you crying? ME said.

HE was silent.

Uy? Tama na yan. Tanga ka kasi. Pero pogi naman. ME said.

I'm breaking it off. HE said.

You better. ME said.

Thanks. Mostly for the pogi bit. HE.

Don't mention it. ME.

The line went dead.


HE probably deserved this.

(evil laugh)

But really, poor guy.

And that's sincere.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

About J...

J's stealing. HE said

Huh?! ME said in shock.

J's stealing from me. HE repeated.

What? How? And why would J? ME couldn't believe what ME is hearing.

It started with the little things, a belt, then my wayfarers, then my watch, then my perfume, and then another watch. HE narrated.

Baka naman hiniram, ganyan naman tayo dati. ME said.

Oo, pero siya, hindi siya nag-sasauli. HE

 Eh baka kailanagan niya pa. ME

Hindi din. I confronted him about the perfume. HE

And? ME

He denied it. HE

ME was really just in shock.

And the watch, I heard it alarm one time and it came from his bag. HE

Baka naman... ME was trying to be the devil's advocate

No - that's my alarm, I have woken up to it for the past year and a half. I know my alarms. HE

So now what? ME

Hindi ko naman ipagdadamot yung mga gamit ko. J can ask for it, i'll give it to him - you know how I am. It's just really unsettling: the idea that J is stealing. Parang wala na akong sense of security around him. I now keep all my watch in my office drawers. HE

I just can't really believe it. I'd still like to think you're wrong about all this. Hindi ba naghahanap ka lang ng excuse to break it off with J? ME said honestly.

Really? You're thinking that? K, I'm not looking for a way out. This is not an excuse. I just really don't like thieves. Saka nagkulang ba ako sa kanya? I give him more than what he asks - whatever he needs or wants he can freely tell me. I'm a good provider K - you know that very well. HE

I know that. But what you're telling me is just batsh*t crazy. What could be J's motivations for doing it? Clepto ba siya or what? ME asked some more

I don't know. I guess I just have to find out. HE


What HE said is just crazy - no words but crazy. J looks fairly decent and he's not even that economically challenged. He goes to a good school, clothes are leaning on the almost high-end.

Oh gosh, ME judges people based on looks. How shallow. Hahahahaha!

But honestly, J does not strike me as a thief. So ME was just really at a lost about what HE said.

Yeah, so here's to things that keep relationships "interesting."