Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Like Most Things Should Be...

No HE or SHE this time to discuss my musings with - it's entirely a conversation with ME.

I feel too old already for the drama that should accompany a relationship - I've grown tired of it all.

So just like when I decided to give love a chance with M, so I am deciding to suck it up and stay with M.

We all slip once in while and I am not dismissing the idea that there will be no future slips - things happen, that's just how certain things are. I have come to accept this as a universal constant.

But eventually, we decide on how to act on these "things."

I cannot find anyone like M and no, I'm not shortchanging myself.

If for anything, its M that's shortchanged by my insufficiency.

So like most things should be - this is ME making an adult decision to stay. To forgive.

I remember my Mama saying: And our hearts - they may break a thousand times but they mend a thousand times too if that's what it takes.

Here's most things...

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Of Myths...

Fidelity, in the end, is really just a myth...

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Just Random Things...

I think I have imbibed the eternally scorned writer too much that its hard to write anything when all is more than fantastic.


M and I have reached an equilibrium (at last) the highlight of our relationship so far are petty quarrels on late texts and me travelling too much for work. Other than that, M is as sweet as ever - no flowers though but he did give me a new umbrella to replace my old one just because I'm getting dark (from field work) and rain is coming too. He has (at last again) come accustomed to my cooking (and frying).

On the downside, M is obsessed with a palm reader's prediction that I'll eventually find another guy and he's going to end up with a foreigner. Its cute. And I told him not to pay attention to it too much kasi sabi ni Zenaida - "ang mga bituin ay gabay lamang, meron tayong free will - gamitin ito." We had a good laugh. But I sense M still thinks about it a lot - I'm not bothered though, not yet.


I'm excited to hit school again and meet my new kids - revamping my syllabus to include Slam Poetry. Yey!


And oh - thinking of investing on a high rise unit. Random, gut-feel, decision - I hope it doesn't turn out like any of my previous random gut-feel decisions with HE. LOL.

Speaking of HE, there was an attempt to get us all together (HE, SHE, ME, M and J) to which SHE and ME relied: "Tanga ka ba?"


There, writer's block has never been so positive. LOL!

Here's to random things!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Follow Through…

Hey… HE said on the other line.

Hey you too. ME said

All’s well there in the east? HE asked.

Yeah - its been raining though every afternoon. ME answered.

Its been hot here. HE said.

Then there was silence.

Look, it just can’t be like it was. ME started.

What’d I do? HE asked.

This - you calling to check up on me. ME

Can’t friends do that? HE

No. ME said bluntly.

SHE doesn’t? HE asked again.

No. ME said again.

There was more silence.

You can’t. You hear? This cannot be rushed. Not like what you want at least. We need time to transition into that. ME was preaching to HE.

Into friends you mean? HE

Yes - see, I even have trouble saying the “f” word. ME.

Okay - point taken. There was a hint of defeat in HE’s voice.

I’m not saying don’t call but you have better things to do. If you push this too hard, it might not prosper at all. Besides, have you called J before you did me? ME asked.

J’s busy with stuff. HE said.

Stuff? ME asked again.

Young stuff. HE said.

What do you mean young? ME said.

Whatever it is that young people do these days. HE replied.

Hahahaha. You sound like my father. ME was laughing.

Well, I might as well be his. HE said.

ME laughed some more.

Hey, there are perks for getting them young ones. So cheer up. ME said - still laughing.

Yeah… Yeah… Sige na, have a meeting in 10. HE said.

Hahaha. Now I know how to shrug you off. ME said.

Har. Har. HE sarcastically laughed.

Bye na. ME said

Bye. HE


HE’s been calling everyday - HE said he needs adult [gay] conversation so that rules out SHE. 

And I’m having a field day - looks like HE’s not adjusted to J’s “young” lifestyle yet.

I’ve been advising him though to suck it up. LOL!

But seriously, ME advised HE to take it easy.

Maybe they could do J’s kind-of-stuff one time and HE’s kind-of-[old]-stuff another. Compromises are in place as age really should not matter. 


Im sorry, it still seems so surreal to ME.

Whats happening to ME and HE is crazy sh*t - I have never been friends with exes - N.E.V.E.R.

Its all weird. 


Bust mostly weird.

Monday, February 16, 2015

A Betrayal of Pain...

M looks like J. HE said

Hindi a - M looks way better than J. Dugyot kayang tignan si J. SHE said.

Thank you. ME mouthed to SHE.

Ah - so this is how we’re going to be: you both ganging up on me? HE said.

Yeah - just about. ME said.

And WE all had a healthy, honest-to-goodness - laugh.


SHE was throwing a despedida for ME - SHE said "just us.”

Since I’m going away for some time for work, SHE wanted to do something special.

When I got to SHE's house, the twins greeted me with a “Hi Tito K - Mom’s in the kitchen.

Hey, can’t I come here to see you guys for once and not your Mom? ME shouted as the twins went running off to do something twin-ish.

When I got to the kitchen, right there in the island was HE - munching through some popcorn and bacon.

I stopped, my heart raced and I immediately planned how to leave unnoticed.

I started to slowly (quietly) step back.

If you think I didn’t see you - you thought wrong. SHE blurted.

I could swear SHE had eyes at the back of her head.

HE turned around, smiled and waived his hand - so very casually.

Sit. Eat some popcorn. Share. SHE commanded.

Matatapos na ‘tong adobo then WE could eat. SHE added.

You look good. HE said and offered the bowl of popcorn keeping the bacon to himself.

You don’t. ME said without missing a beat.

Play nice K. SHE said.

Its alright,  I deserve it. HE replied.

And there’s a load more that you don’t. ME said.

Like you. HE added and smiled.

ME smiled, HE’s still quite the charmer. 



How did we ever find ourselves in this situation? ME was wondering.

WE stayed in the island of SHE’s kitchen, we were eating lunch out of the pots and pans.

Remember the time we were at the cove for your birthday and I was gone for about 4 hours? HE said to SHE randomly.

I don’t, but why? SHE said

I had to slip to Tagaytay for K. HE said.

Who was waiting for 5 hours. ME continued

Hindi pa kayo close nun saka medyo nag-adjust pa si K sa “Birthday Clause.” HE said.

What a quickie e? HE said with a grin.

Gawd! No - no s*x stories yet. And on my birthday?! SHE said.

ME and HE laughed.

Okay - just the PG stuff. HE said.

And there’s not a lot. ME said.

You guys are gross! Disgusting! SHE said in a laugh.


How did WE ever found ourselves in this, peculiar, situation? ME wonders more now.

We’re like old college friends who have been used to each other for so long that its impossible to get offended with the insults, comments and jokes.

We talked and talked - there was mention of pain and hurt but they were just that - mentions. 

The lightness of that day’s conversation with SHE and HE was the most I could remember, all else was bliss. 

But I know, I’m pretty sure, its what I could only have with friends.

I wonder until now how that day played out. I ran through it in my head a couple of times and I couldn’t remember ever feeling hate or resentment against/towards HE. There was remembering but not feeling.

As Kundera would put it: Unbearable lightness.

But ME keep on thinking too: Is it too soon? Am I betraying my pain?


You’re still an a-hole you know. ME said to HE.

We were on the patio with a bottle of beer each.

I don’t know how SHE ever managed to train you. ME added.

It took one pregnancy and two babies. SHE answered.

And yes, you’re forever an a-hole who should be glad that K’s not hitting your face right now. SHE said.

Nah, I’m too good for that. ME said with a grin.

Apir. SHE said.

HE was quiet.

For what its worth - you two are a blessing. HE said finally. 

And this thing that we’re doing right now, i’m glad we’re doing it - cheers. HE raised his bottle.

And WE Raised our bottles too.


However, whatever, it is that led us to this particular moment, WE may not know - but i’m very glad too that WE did.

Life has a funny way of mending things eh?

Here’s to betraying some more pain!