He has been very patient with me through and through.
He does not question the unanswered "I love yous" nor does he pressure me to give one.
There is some stoicism with M on how he makes himself be "there" - always present for me.
He's always there doing them little stuff like helping with the laundry and buying the earliest pandesal and waiting for me to finish my class and holding my bag and test papers and my hand...
M has been my sanity.
Hindi mo pa ako mahal. Naramramdaman ko yun. M said
I was stunned.
It was the truth.
Tumitingin ka pa din sa ibang lalaki kapag nasa mall tayo. Alam ko din my tinetex ka pa ding iba. M continued.
Pinagdasal kita sa Baclaran. Hiniling ko na sana ito na 'to pero nahihirapan ako kasi ako mahal kita - ako hindi mo mahal. M was sobbing now.
Hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko kung mawawala ka. M managed to continue.
I held his face on my palms.
Hindi ako mawawala. I started.
Pero hihilingin ko sayo na habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa akin. Hindi madaling magmahal at ayaw ko nang maramdaman yung sakit na gaya dati kasi hindi ko na kaya talaga. I continued.
M just nodded.
Kaya ko gustong umiinom tayo lagi kasi nasasabi ko 'to sayo lahat. M
Kaya pa ba? I asked
Yung alak o yung pagpapasensya? M answered
Yung sa alak, alam kong kaya mo pa. I said
Hindi ako bibitiw. Kahit na bumitiw ka. Saka pasensyoso talaga ako. M said.
I kissed him and in that moment I wanted to love him like what he deserves.