On Farmer Boy...

M has been my rock and my wind and my water and my fire all at same time.

He has been very patient with me through and through.

He does not question the unanswered "I love yous" nor does he pressure me to give one.

There is some stoicism with M on how he makes himself be "there" - always present for me.

He's always there doing them little stuff like helping with the laundry and buying the earliest pandesal and waiting for me to finish my class and holding my bag and test papers and my hand...

M has been my sanity.

-o0o-

Sunday night, we were drinking gin mixed in green apple juice.

Hindi mo pa ako mahal. Naramramdaman ko yun. M said

I was stunned.

It was the truth.

Tumitingin ka pa din sa ibang lalaki kapag nasa mall tayo. Alam ko din my tinetex ka pa ding iba. M continued.

Pinagdasal kita sa Baclaran. Hiniling ko na sana ito na 'to pero nahihirapan ako kasi ako mahal kita - ako hindi mo mahal. M was sobbing now.

Hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko kung mawawala ka. M managed to continue.

I held his face on my palms.

Hindi ako mawawala. I started.

Pero hihilingin ko sayo na habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa akin. Hindi madaling magmahal at ayaw ko nang maramdaman yung sakit na gaya dati kasi hindi ko na kaya talaga. I continued.

M just nodded.

Kaya ko gustong umiinom tayo lagi kasi nasasabi ko 'to sayo lahat. M

Kaya pa ba? I asked

Yung alak o yung pagpapasensya? M answered

Yung sa alak, alam kong kaya mo pa. I said

Hindi ako bibitiw. Kahit na bumitiw ka. Saka pasensyoso talaga ako. M said.

I kissed him and in that moment I wanted to love him like what he deserves.

Hardened...

Being loved more than loving...

This is the lesson that I think I have refused to learn.

So to you:

I will no longer be your option or a choice among multiple others - I'll be the chooser.

I will not wait for you - I will leave.

You will not decide whether to keep me or not - I decide not to keep you.

You will not hurt me any more than you already have - I will stay out of your life and you in mine.

I will remember you - But I will create better memories.

I will stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong - It was a collective fault.

You were so many firsts - There'll be seconds for sure, but not with you.

We are a finished story - Reading 'us' again won't change the ending.

I will not love more - I will be loved more.

-o0o-

Before posting the entry above, I read it again and realized how hardened I have become. It seems that I have changed my values and have become so self-centered. 

I'ts a defense mechanism I guess. It's putting what I feel, my interests, above anyone's.  I feel I deserve to. I feel like its a natural inkling. I feel like its right.

I'm so scared that I would take extra precaution to guard myself from ever feeling that kind of pain again.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.