Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hardened...

Being loved more than loving...

This is the lesson that I think I have refused to learn.

So to you:

I will no longer be your option or a choice among multiple others - I'll be the chooser.

I will not wait for you - I will leave.

You will not decide whether to keep me or not - I decide not to keep you.

You will not hurt me any more than you already have - I will stay out of your life and you in mine.

I will remember you - But I will create better memories.

I will stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong - It was a collective fault.

You were so many firsts - There'll be seconds for sure, but not with you.

We are a finished story - Reading 'us' again won't change the ending.

I will not love more - I will be loved more.

-o0o-

Before posting the entry above, I read it again and realized how hardened I have become. It seems that I have changed my values and have become so self-centered. 

I'ts a defense mechanism I guess. It's putting what I feel, my interests, above anyone's.  I feel I deserve to. I feel like its a natural inkling. I feel like its right.

I'm so scared that I would take extra precaution to guard myself from ever feeling that kind of pain again.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.

12 comments:

  1. ang mga karanasan natin ang minsa'y kumakalyo sa ating pagkakatao. ngunit meron jang darating upang muli ibalik ang lambot at kabanayadan ng ating damdamin. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. belo or calayan perhaps? ;p

      but yes, i hope for that too - in time.

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  2. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

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    Replies
    1. I recommend you to read "Every Day" by David Levithan. Maybe you'll learn something from there. Maybe it will lessen the pain and *sorry for the term* bitterness.

      It's about letting go and moving on without any bitterness at all

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    2. “There will always be more questions. Every answer leads to more questions. The only way to survive is to let some of them go.”

      -David Levithan; Every Day

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    3. i googled the book - wow. i will later scavenge them bookstores for it.

      thank you. i don't want the hate or the bitterness - but i feel like i have to feel it for now...

      Delete
    4. Like what Mo Twister said, let it hurt and let it hurt for a long time. let it hurt as much as it can hurt.. and after
      you let it hurt.... one day it will not
      hurt anymore.

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    5. yes, one day... :)

      thank you Nomad.

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  3. Ok lng yan it teaches us to be stronger and wiser

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i wish i am - stronger at least...

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  4. Ganyan talaga ang struggles to move on. Siguro what you can do is to stay away muna from his memories and ibaling sa ibang bagay (either tao, work, family, hobby, etc..)ang attention. From time to time you will experience the emotions that you are experiencing now, regret, anger, hopelessness, "hardened heart and mind" and the like but we are human beings capable of loving and caring again. Just a thought: we cannot expect or tell others to love us more than we love them. Love is a choice, a gift to be given as we are also free to give what we can give at the moment because of so many reasons due to our experiences just what you are experiencing now . We can only hope that a person loves us even if we are scared to love more. Hope for the best and be open to possibilities of loving again BUT "proceed with caution"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. to some extent, i think i have always known this - its convincing myself to believe it that's hard. hehehe.

      but yes, we cannot force people to love us the way we want - this is something we should come to terms with...

      thank you. :)

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