Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Relapse...

While I have been doing well for the past five-six months, there are still moments where I snap - relapses.

There are things that would remind me of you and automatically, my whole being reacts as if you were present at that same space and time with me.

And in that weakened moment I scanned your profile, you have one public image with J like you had one with me. That was one of your bravest moves - that was for only me , yes, for ME alone - before.

But you see, I wanted to torture myself more and scanned J's profile too.

You brought him to your province. Like you did me.

He met your childhood friends. Like I did.

You ate at the only place we ate on those special days.

And, as I have memorized it, you ordered the same chopseuy - that beef steak and the cheesecake you can never get in the city no matter how we hop from one pastry shop to the other. 

It must be the air that's different in the province that's making the blueberries taste better. You would conclude after each tasting. And I never got the heart to tell you they buy it in bulk at S&R per the chef.

And then I noticed something different from the last series of pictures - you were both wearing the same watch - like what we did. The silver stainless steel, the big dials over a deep blue background. You bought him the same watch you gave me.

I wished I was not affected - but I was.

My heart sank again.

My shoulders felt heavy.

I refused to breathe.

How can you be happy?

With what you did to me, you don't deserve to be - not yet.

I hate you.

19 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. this too shall pass [again] right?

      i pray it will.

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    2. It will. Just enjoy the state of things. See things outside of the situation. Sometimes people are too caught up with what's going on with their own world, walking in the streets, keeping their eyes straight ahead when it pays to stop and look at the sky and just have yourself be swallowed by its immense beauty.

      Wala lang. Just look at the other things. Heheh. Para makalimot.

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  2. Counter those blues away with what you have right now at this moment. Maybe it's time to create new memories. Ditch the old ones.

    After all, you were there first.

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    Replies
    1. I agree. What he gives his new bf now are just rehash ideas. You experienced them first.

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    2. You guys cannot imagine how your words comfort ME. Salamat.

      All will be well. I yearn for the day when I can truly write about finding peace with all that happened.

      Salamat, salamat.

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  3. heartbreak sucks. that's really all i can say. it's so hard to get over someone who has been a part of our lives.

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    Replies
    1. It is and i's part of living - we can only complain as much. :)

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  4. I have these moments too. Take comfort in the act that you are not the only one experiencing this. Trust that we shall pass this.

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  5. How can you be happy?
    With what you did to me, you don't deserve to be - not yet.
    I hate you.

    --- OMG! same feelings i had just 2 days ago...and yes i ranted again...i was drunk and bitter...at si ex eh hinde apektado at all...na lalo kong kinaiinisan... he cheated on me...left me after almost 6 years of relationship and he is living his his life now as if nothing happened... nakakaasar at nakakainis lang.... wahhhhh... yes relapse nga ulet...:-(

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    Replies
    1. KAYA NATIN 'TO! If for anything - I know in my heart that we shall survive this with flying rainbow colors! apir!

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  6. Nooooo! You don't ever want to be in THAT place ever again! If relapses occur once more, take off that protective helmet of yours and slam your head onto the wall! Do everything in your power to resist! Snap out of it, and fast!

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