Tuesday, June 18, 2013


It's the internal struggle that's the hardest.

You fight your heart - you fight your mind.

And it drains you completely.

I will be lying if I said I know what should be done or what's best for ME.

What I do know is all these thoughts - all these feelings are killing the best of me.

Truth is, I'm scared that something like HE and ME will never happen again in my life.

That I feel that it was all my fault - why HE left - why HE looked for someone else.

And that I know that my heart will hurt again twice as much but I can handle it.

But I also know that trust will be absent.

What I need and what I want are analogous at this point.

So I'll just be still - stagnant.

And I'll trust that after all the rain, there will be clearer skies and I can look up again and get blinded by so much light that it illuminates me.

This song perfectly relays whatever it is I cannot say:

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

Here's to looking forward to basking in sunlight again.


  1. Hindi ka nag-iisa. All these struggles I write in my blog, all these purging I do to myself is because I want to make sure that when I emerge from my own upheaval, I have nothing to say in the past but gratitude.

    Stay strong, Kaloy.

    1. I am trying to be strong - with my might.

      Thank you JM.

  2. I know the feeling. The one line I remember the most from the film "Lan Yu" is this - "In the future, I don't let anybody hurt me again". But in the film he let his lover enter his life again. This is the paradox. In our life, we decide which way we are going...You are not alone, Kaloy. Face life with courage and sometimes it is better to be still and stagnant - in this way, we are neither here or there and it is the safest too...


    1. Thank you Ric for the quote. I am taking it as a mantra and I know I can...

      Thank you. Thank you.