Sunday, May 27, 2012

Tan Gee A...

When ME was in grade school, my adviser would comment every time one of us would get the wrong answer to her recitation question:  "Ay! Kakaasi met, tan-gee-a!" (Ay, Kawawa naman, tanga). She would stress the "g" sound so its less obvious, but we all know anyway what she meant.

Tanga - yan ako. ME can easily neglect all forms of rationality when it comes to HE. Sabi ko nga kay SHE dati: Kilala ko sarili ko. Alam ko na papaniwalaan ko lahat ng sinasabi niya kahit ibang-iba na ang nakikita at nararamdaman ko. I'll believe what's convenient for me to believe.

You see, HE lied and cheated. It took ME until now to finally acknowledge that.

There were the late night texts and calls. ME dismissed them as business because HE said so.

There was less sex. ME dismissed that natural for a couple because HE said so.

There were band-aid-covered-love marks. ME dismissed that as allergies because HE said so.

ME knows what it is.ME wasn't born yesterday but ME chose to hold HE's words for it. Tang gee a.

Third quarter last year, HE went to Japan for a business trip. When HE came back, HE said HE's just dropping by to give ME's pasalubong and HE's going straight to SHE's as HE missed the twins. ME was definitely okay with that - nothing suspicious.

But then the next day, posted all over his Facebook wall was a tagged picture of an all-too-familiar pasalubong - Japanese box, with a native biscuit, 2 Meji chocoloates, a shirt... My pasalubong box contained native biscuits and SOCKS!  Yun lang! P*t*ng *n*ng medyas yan! Siya may t-shirt na may chocolates pa! Ako medyas? T*ng *n* kaya kong bumili ng sampung p*t*ng *n*ng medyas!

But what gave ME the death blow was a letter that came with it... My heart stopped beating - ME knows the handwriting and the manner with which it was written in the stationary - ME have about 30 of them from HE.

The next day HE texted: Good Morning!

ME replied: Good morning din sa inyo ni Jefrey...

HE: O - bakit si Jepot?

ME didn't reply.

HE: Ah - si Jef -  bading yun - kabarkada ko sa trabaho - barkada ko na nung college pa...

ME didn't reply.

HE: Bakit nagseselos ka sa kanya? O baka type mo - yaan mo bgay ko number mo sa kanya...

ME still no reply.

HE: Yan nabigay ko na number mo, hintayin mo text nya...

ME was crying now. And no Jefrey did not text.

We did not speak for a week.

Then for 2 weeks.

When we finally spoke - HE denied everything and ME wished I could believe every excuse - but I know... I wished I didn't, but I know that HE's not telling me the truth. I've been here countless of times and I've developed an infallible instinct for it.

Sh*t. Nothing hurts like being lied - to your face.

This song just hit it:

       What am I gonna do
       When the best part of me was always you
       And what am I suppose to say
       When I'm all choked up and you're okay

This specially is true the last time ME saw them together.

Pero hanggang ngayon, what remains from all the broken pieces is a voice at the back of my mind echoing: P*t*ng *n*ng medyas!  Sh*t!


  1. Memories can make us laugh, cry, scream, jump for joy, among other things.

    It can also give us a sense of what we have been through and what we won't be after.

    You're a courageous man Kaloy, even more than what you think you are.

    1. I wish courage can drown the pain guyrony, but it can't. We may become fearless - but never immune to pain... It still hurts like hell. But thank you for the vote of confidence.

    2. We only loved to our fullest Kaloy...

      I for one cannot fathom what you are going through.

      But here are my shoulders and my ears.

      It's the least I could do. :)

    3. Thank you for this Guyrony. Only got the chance to read it now. But yeah, my comfort was with this blog and your comments during the tougher times...

  2. let me point you to adele...

    never mind i'll find someone like you.. (less the cheating part)

    it's not tan-gee-a.

    it was love. :)

    1. i was trying to sing the line with "less the cheating part" as second voice... :) yeah love it was...

  3. as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

    kaya minsan, mas gusto ko wala akong alam at wala akong inaaalam.

    1. gusto ko din yan eternal, all was well until the fb wall post... i think jefrey doesn't have any idea yet of HE's 'situation' and i'm fighting every urge to be a b*tch and inform him...

    2. be a bitch and inform him. makaganti ka man lang.

  4. Intelligence gets suspended, repressed and thrown to the brig when we're in love. Woe to those who sincerely surrender their heart.

    1. ang posh bigla ng nararamdaman ko - :)

      we are all but pawns of destiny...

  5. :'( We all have these moments. *hugs

    1. ewan ko ba sa atin... paulit-ulit na lang, iba-ibang tao lang... we refuse to learn from our past and continuously subject ourselves to pain - sometimes it almost feels inevitable. :)

  6. Hay Kaloy, so this is the story. Ang lungkot ng kanta. I was thinking about what I know of you, and I realized your blog really has mostly been about you and him.

    Napansin ko ang header mo nakalagay na kabit ka pa rin. Siguro panahon na na umpisahan ang bagong daan.

    Sigh. I really was fond of your stories of the two of you.


    1. Dito ko na isusuksok yung comment ko kasi sapul ni Kane. I, too was really fond of your stories but by the way it ended, parang it's time to start a new chapter. You seem like an intelligent young man just ripe for a new beginning. Question is, are you up for the challenge?

    2. i took both of your advises. here's to new beginnings... :)

  7. And to add lang.. I don't think anyone's tan-gee-a when it comes to love. Sabi nga sa ACL, we should never regret the things we did for love. :)

    1. Gone,
      Love is never gone.
      As we travel on,
      Love's what we'll remember...


      Musical pa rin hanggang comment! :)

      Thank you citybuoy.

  8. Hay! Overtime sa office para matapos ang bonggang backread.

    Absorb mode muna before the real comment, dear.