Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Suddenly my weight was too much for me to bear that I had to hold on to something.

I was fighting tears like trying to hold damn water in place.



Regular day. Regular route going home.

Then I saw HE. 

HE looked great - better than last ME saw him. 

Every strand of hair was in place, his clothes fit him to the detail, HE was exuding a god-like aura - like he knew he looked good without trying, basta ang pogi pogi nya...

And so was the guy who was with him.


They looked perfect.

HE wrapped his arm around the guy's shoulder and whispered something.

The guy laughed and then HE laughed.

And then, they looked perfect for each other.


ME hid and entered the closest store I could manage to see before HE could turn around and see me.

I watched them proceed to the cinema level - HE's arm still wrapped around the guy's shoulder.

How could HE? ME thought. Alam naman niyang mall ko 'to. Then ME realized how stupid that thought was. Pipigilan ko siyang mag-mall o lumabas ng bahay kasi makikita ko siya? Stupid. 


I just wanted to get home - and get home fast.

But traversing the man-bridge to get home was suddenly a feat.

I held on to the railings and put all my weight into lifting my feet.

But its not just my legs that were heavy but my heart. 

I had to clench my fist and pound on it - I thought it could shake it up a bit and distribute the weight but to no avail.

Then I realized, it was just heavy - my heart was just heavy.  There was no prickling pain that stabs my heart this time. There was no feeling of a thousand needles pinching in orchestrated timing. It was just heavy.

Bakit ganun?

I figured that perhaps the weight was from still hanging on. All the excess baggage on what-ifs and what-can-i-dos to win HE back are all weighing me down. And seeing HE with another guy just made it heavier somehow. 

I'm not hurt but I couldn't let go just yet.

I just hope this lenten season brings me much needed perspective.

Here's to lifting whatever weight we are carrying.



  1. you know these kinds of things will happen. might as well happen now.


  2. You never force yourself to get over a person who meant everything to you once...

  3. it takes time for a wound to heal

  4. I had this moment. Hehe, share lang. It was in a restaurant. I was with my friends and he was with HIM. So I dare say that I know how badly this hurts.

    Just try to think things through. I'm sure an insight will happen :)

  5. in time. you will feel better...and waley nalang pag nakita mo sila again soon...

    have fun this weekend :-)

  6. I was alright for a while... I could smile for a while... :'(

  7. I was directed to your blog by ternie and voila! with this post, instant follower mo na ako.

    I am going through the same phase. :(


  8. You're just human not to feel pain.

    Whatever you're going through. I hope you'd find peace.

  9. Hey Kaloy, kamusta? Perhaps it's time to change your About Me.

    "1/5 empty, 2/5 hopeful, .5/5 reckless, 1.5/5 confused. Full time kabit. I'm in a good place - almost..."

    No longer a kabit, but something else. I wish you well. Many of us are familiar with what you are going through, and ... it's never easy.


  10. k engel: i know, but finally feeling it is just unbearable... i rest in the comfort that it will go away - just liky before... i hope...

    k guyrony: i so want to, if i could drug myself to do it... but i know too that its a process - a long one...

    k shenanigans: i doubt this one wont...

    k lamrel: i will think things through... salamat (did i get ur name right? im sorry, im less proficient in making the symbols pre and psot ur name. :) )

    k mac callister: thank you. hope ur weekend was fun too.

    k citybuoy: i guess we all live in 'for-a-whiles'... we just have to make the best of it...

    k rowell: i wish i could tell you its going to be all right but it will get worse everyday... i think what we can do is just to take in all the pain and hope that after, we get the most fabulous scars to flaunt! hang in there rowell...

  11. k mugen: i hope so too - thank you.

    k kane: ok pa... And yeah, forgot about that but will change it. Ikaw, kamusta na?

  12. nag-inspire ako magsulat ng entry para sa yo.

    *akap mahigit*

  13. k eternal wanderer: i'm so red right now i'm practically swelling... thank you for the poem and the reference.

    PS: you hit it right in the gut. thank you.

  14. hi kaloy, sobrang nakarelate ako sa mga blog entries mo... kakagaling lang din sa break up, yes sobrang painful pa rin peo doing better each day na... we'll all be ok soon... basta kahit ano man mangyari i will continue to believe in love's magic... **hugs

    1. hey lon: pain is one of the more universal things in life. yeah - we'll all be okay but i'm done believing in magic for the moment...

      thank you for the comment.