Heavy...

Suddenly my weight was too much for me to bear that I had to hold on to something.

I was fighting tears like trying to hold damn water in place.

Damn.

-o0o-

Regular day. Regular route going home.

Then I saw HE. 

HE looked great - better than last ME saw him. 

Every strand of hair was in place, his clothes fit him to the detail, HE was exuding a god-like aura - like he knew he looked good without trying, basta ang pogi pogi nya...

And so was the guy who was with him.

Boom.

They looked perfect.

HE wrapped his arm around the guy's shoulder and whispered something.

The guy laughed and then HE laughed.

And then, they looked perfect for each other.

Boom.

ME hid and entered the closest store I could manage to see before HE could turn around and see me.

I watched them proceed to the cinema level - HE's arm still wrapped around the guy's shoulder.

How could HE? ME thought. Alam naman niyang mall ko 'to. Then ME realized how stupid that thought was. Pipigilan ko siyang mag-mall o lumabas ng bahay kasi makikita ko siya? Stupid. 

-o0o-

I just wanted to get home - and get home fast.

But traversing the man-bridge to get home was suddenly a feat.

I held on to the railings and put all my weight into lifting my feet.

But its not just my legs that were heavy but my heart. 

I had to clench my fist and pound on it - I thought it could shake it up a bit and distribute the weight but to no avail.

Then I realized, it was just heavy - my heart was just heavy.  There was no prickling pain that stabs my heart this time. There was no feeling of a thousand needles pinching in orchestrated timing. It was just heavy.

Bakit ganun?

I figured that perhaps the weight was from still hanging on. All the excess baggage on what-ifs and what-can-i-dos to win HE back are all weighing me down. And seeing HE with another guy just made it heavier somehow. 

I'm not hurt but I couldn't let go just yet.

I just hope this lenten season brings me much needed perspective.

Here's to lifting whatever weight we are carrying.

Sigh.