Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Holding on...

It's getting worse. ME can't think of anything else but HE's possible indiscretion with J. Saw J post this:

'Masakit tawaging kabit! But is it my fault if he likes me? Siguro, he's happier with me - hindi naman siya maghahanap kung talagang mahal ka niya!'

ME never called J 'kabit' but with HE's apparent admission that HE's with ME (and J knows that) ME can't help but think something-something is going on - again. Even more, the post preceded a picture of a condom.

Bastos siya! P*&^%$%# niya - BASTOS SIYA!

ME wanted to confront HE again: Did you have s*x with J?  ME started to SMS.

But ME didn't send it - ME promised HE to try not being paranoid.

ME's affording him all the benefits of a doubt.

But ME needed release and drafted a tweet: P*&^%$@#!+ mga kabit kayo! 

ME stopped.

Read the tweet again.

Sh*t, ME's part of that group.

What right do ME have to judge J when ME is exactly like him.

ME do not understand what or how to feel anymore.

Is this really the price ME have to pay for all of this?

Double sh*t.

But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:

1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
2. Martyrdom.

And it is clear as well what ME is going to choose.

Triple Sh*t.

 I need SHE.

I need my mom.

And I need HE most.

Sh*t infinity.


  1. And I thought you guys are starting to be okay. Haigoo. I wanna tell you to relax but considering paranoia, which I am also inclined, you never really can relax. I say take a deep breath and carefully weight things. Choose wisely. Kaya mo yan :)

    1. We're going to be OK - I am hoping that it'll be... This is just me ranting as I really need a release. Thank you again ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔

  2. oh my... i hope your okay right now. dont beat yourself too much.

    sorry, pero i really dont know what to say. This is really a mess, Kaloy. But I remember your comment, "here's to hurting until it no longer hurts anymore."

    1. Yeah LJ, I think i'm beating myself too much for it din... Thanks again for your words.

      PS: Our words have a way of finding its way back to us don't they? :)

    2. yeah, and i was like, "damn, im glad he said that, at least i have something to remind him next time."

    3. Hahahaha! I should be more careful with my words then next time.:)

  3. only you would know what to do.

    1. And ima suck it all in... I'm holding on gillboard. I'm holding on...

    2. you do what you think is best for you. i guess that will have to do.

      dito lang kami. :)

    3. thank you - that is a comfort to know...

  4. Your going in circles Kaloy. hay naku naman! what you got yourself into?! Alam mo kung close friend mo lang ako as in yung in person... babatukan kita! pero kahit naman batukan kita o ng mga kaibigan mo na sayo pa din naman ang huling desisyon eh pero kung ako ang tatanungin mo ang sasabihin ko sayo --- get out of this mess. malulunod ka lang diyan. matatalo ka lang. hindi ito yung win-win situation. kung mag stay ka man sa relasyon na ito talo ka pa din dahil hindi mawawala ang pangamba at kaba sa dibdib mo sa tuwing hindi mo kasama si HE.

    Alam mo hindi paranoid ang pakikinig o pagsunod sa instincts natin. binigay sa atin yun ng supreme being eh so meaning may magandang use siya para sa atin. Alam mo ba kung bakit tayo may instintcs? Kasi self preservation yun. basta nahihirapan ako mag explain naun naiinis kasi ako sayo.

    Gusto ko lang kasi malaman mo na you dont deserve this Kaloy. kahit di pa man kita lubos na nakikilala for sure hindi mo deserve ang mapunta sa ganitong sitwasyon. wala naman atang deserve na makaranas ng ganyan eh. Tigilan mo na yan! Maawa ka sa sarili mo at magtira ka para sa sarili mo ng sa gayon hindi ka mahihirapang pulutin ang sarili mo.

    Btw, anu twitter mo? hihi!

    1. may kanta ako sayo.. bagay na bagay sayo toh.

      mga important lyrics na lang ah

      White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
      Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
      Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
      I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
      Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
      But there's nothing to grab so I let go

      I will do what I please, anything that I want
      I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
      You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
      All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear

    2. Russell! You are becoming my dose of sanity! Salamat for your words - perspectives... For not tolerating ME. :)


      PS: Huwag mag-alala, laging may natitira para sa sarili ko (natututo na eh) but thing is, there's still a lot I can give to HE - that I want to give to HE... So here's to giving.

    3. I won't drink to that! hahaha! eh kasi naman worried lang sa mga actions mo teh. ako kasi natatakot for you eh.

      wow naman! dose of sanity.. baka ma overdose na kita ah. hehe

    4. I know - and I really appreciate that you're looking out for ME... Huwag matakaot - I think i'm a whole lotta stronger now - but I just really need to rant at times.

      Kaya nga, easy on the doses... Lol

    5. Don't worry may prescription naman yan. haha!

    6. haha! kailangan pala ng doctor nyan -

  5. There goes the trouble with HE.

  6. It's easy to have faith when there's no reason to question it. It's when one has reason to doubt that faith proves its value.

    1. For a moment there, I thought I was hearing St. Augustine or Aquinas (or one of them medieval Philosophers)...

      Thank you LanchiE - I am working on my faith and our fate altogether...

  7. Hi Kaloy. I'm always here looking at the outside but I can relate. One of the things I tell myself when I'm missing my ex is that I will no longer worry and think where he is and what he does and especially who is with him. Yes, I was paranoid too. When we love someone, it gives us happiness and at the same time the pain of doubt and insecurities. It comes with the territory. In your case it is really complicated. Maybe, you can have a heart to heart talk with HE again and tell him what you really feel - that you can't go on with the situation. If HE insists that you don't have to worry then give him a "once and for all" chance to prove himself. If HE breaks that trust you give him, then HE does not deserve your love. I think, it will be the time to go on with your life without him. Don't worry, based on experience, sa una lang naman masakit na masakit, pagkatapos masakit na lang then as the song goes "i'll remember the boy, but not the feeling anymore". You deserve somebody who will love you as you love him -he who will give you 100% of himself. God bless Kaloy!

    1. Thank you. We all deserve somebody who'll love us 100% - and we can also work back with someone who's giving us 50% and work our way up from there 'till we reach the 100 mark. Its a lot work no? Being in any relationship but we hang-on for a reason or another.

      I want to talk to HE - yes, I will takk to HE.

      And bless you too. :)