Monday, November 19, 2012

Of Walking Away...

You'll get blood in your eyes. I said as HE attempted to wipe HE's face with his injured hand.

HE looked at me, tears flowing from HE's eyes.

What would you have me do? HE struggled to say.

I never saw HE this vulnerable. I have seen HE cry but not like this - not like the world is about to end.

I touched HE's face and wiped the tears with my thumbs.

Kailan lang, ikaw ang nagpupunas ng luha ko. I struggled to smile. 

-o0o-

Ayaw mo na? HE said when I asked HE to talk about us.

Ayaw ko, na hindi na kita masasagot ng "mahal din kita." I replied.

Hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng sagot. HE said.

But I'm giving it anyway. I replied again

Si J ba? He was a mistake and I should have known better than to leave you. If I need to apologize everyday - gagawin ko. HE said.

Let's go away - where you can be secure. You can have my phone. Alam naman ni SHE number mo.  HE continued.

I was silent.

P*tang ina Kaloy! Say something! HE raised his voice in fury like never before.

This? Us? Your throwing us away!  HE pushed me against the wall.

HE looked at me intensely, HE's breath is heavy, both arms enclosing me - palms against the wall.

Argh! HE shouted and punched the wall.

My head shook with the impact.

HE touched his forehead with mine.

Please stay. Please stay. HE whispered.

I would make everything right - just stay please. HE's tears trickled down my face.

Your hands, let me look at it. I finally said.

-o0o-

I will be here for you like SHE is. I started after cleaning HE's hands.

But I cannot commit to the same relationship. Not anymore - not now. I continued.

And not with me. HE said.

I pursed my lips.

We had more than a good run and I don't want us to run into ruins so while we are good... I attempted to finish the sentence.

So while we're good, maghiwalay na lang tayo... HE continued.

I hugged HE tight.

Remember that night I found out about SHE. I started whispering in HE's ear. I clearly remember what you said: YOU and I - we'll be okay.

Separately - we'll be okay separately. HE whispered back. 

I hugged him tighter. 

Thank you for everything. I said and I kissed HE's hands.

I stood up - it was time to walk away. 

-o0o-

I love HE and that'll never change.

And I know I will be there for HE when I need to be there - like a friend.

But for now, here's to moving forward.

Cheers!

18 comments:

  1. Cheers! It remains as heart breaking like the bea alonzo movie. Here comes the sun! :D

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    1. Dooroot doroo - here comes the sun... :)

      Salamat LJ.

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  2. I'm in the office right now. Crying.

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    1. There there Lanchie... Hehehe.

      I think it hasn't fully sank in even with me. But i cry every morning and then i get and take a shower - life goes on and we have to up our pace...

      Thank you for the emphaty. :)

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  3. Reminds me:


    http://vanillapleasures.blogspot.com/2011/08/coming-to-terms.html

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  4. this must be hard to write.

    it is harder to experience.

    but you're doing the right thing.

    cheers to the new chapter of your life. :)

    finally.

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    Replies
    1. It was Gillboard. But the release I felt after writing was worth the struggle.

      Thank you

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  5. ang bigat tengeneng yan parang confrontation scene lang sa no other women or better yet final scene sa movie na "precious" though magkaiba yung conflict sa story but the emotional intense? ay grabe!

    anyway, dami tumatakbo sa isip ko while reading this... sanay ka naman sa mahaba kong comment di ba? hahahaha!

    Una, kapansin pansin yung desperate "syndrome" (if there's such a thing) ni HE. Sa una kakausapin ka ng malumanay, aamuhin, sweet words, affirmation, promises... pagkatapos pag hindi pa din masunod yung gusto niya dun na papasok yung violence or yung pag hi-hystercial in HE's case -- sinuntok yung wall. medyo scary yung ganun. alam na alam ko yan dahil ganyan din ako noon. mas malupit pa ko kasi ako may threat pang kasama. its either sasaktan ko siya or sasaktan ko sarili ko. ang immature noh? psychopath lang. ahaha! but i've changed na baka ma shokot ka sakin eh. haha! Pangalawa, kala ko sasabihin mo sa kanya na ayusin muna niya ang sarili niya. ibig kong sabihin yung buhay niya. magpakabait siya, lumayo at mag isip isip. re-evaluate himself ganun. and lastly, hindi mapapantayan ang katapangan mo na kausapin siya sa ganyang lagay. kung ako yan.. bibigay talaga ako, iiyak din sa harap niya at ipakita sa kanyang nahihirapan ako at di ko siya kaya mawala.. pero ikaw? ang tapang mo na Kaloy.

    PS:
    Eto naman ang kanta ko sayo para sa entry na to
    eto
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtaSNiGWuc
    or eto
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwx4iTRLXG8

    (lyrics: bad dreams si HE. char!)

    "It happens to everyone as they grow up. You FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU WANT, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on" - Nicholas Sparks

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    1. Madalas nagtatapang-tapangan lang din. Hehehe. Salamat Russell

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    2. Panalo ang soundtrack! :)

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  6. hey. i was watching HBO last night and i heard this poem by EE Cummings.

    i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
    my heart)
    i am never without it(anywhere
    i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate
    (for you are my fate,my sweet)
    i want no world
    (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you.

    suits you.

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    Replies
    1. I have this poem posted on my old apartment room sa elbi... :)

      Salamat oski!

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  7. Kinalulugod kitang makita sa parehong daan. :) I hope we find our destination.

    Cheers.

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    1. Here's to crossing paths Mugen.

      Thank you.

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  8. :I Go Kaloy. There's nothing you can't do now. :)

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    1. I still can't fly... Hehe.

      Thanks ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔.

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  9. Here I am again. The truth shall set us free - the truth about ourselves,(ME) the truth about others (HE) and the truth about the situation (HE, ME, J, SHE, the twins, your life and your future...)I'm relieved that you have finally took the courage to tell HE what you wanted about yourself. It is not easy, I know. I was not able to break up with someone because that someone cried. And that was my Achilles' heel. As for you, you were brave enough to withstood the temptation to take him back again. Yes, you can still love him but it is a love that is more free and giving (not tolerating)and most of all liberating. If there are moments in which you feel you are lonely and alone,remember that there are still people who love you as who you are. Most of all, think and feel the peace within you that your decision has brought to you... I still believe in spite of everything, you show to the whole world (including HE, J and SHE) that you are a good person, and for me, this is all what matters...

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    1. Thank you. I just really appreciate you taking the time here and giving your thoughts and for the vote of confidence...

      Thank you - really.

      I'm pretty sure you are a good person too. :)

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