For Real...

Dear HE,

I think I'm finally okay.

I'm sorry - for not being enough. 

And no, I'm not soliciting for pity it's just that now, I accept that.  

And it's okay - I think I have finally forgiven myself for it. 

And it's not your fault for wanting more - we all want more. 

I wanted more. 

And I'm done playing the victim card so I'm sorry for being resentful - I've been hating you too long.

I just felt I needed to do that for a time. You see, it was the only way I could hold on to you. 

But it feels too heavy now and I would rather hold memories of love. 

I would like to remember you as a good memory - and you are.

And thank you - I would not have known love the way I do if it weren't for you.

I really hope that you're happy and that it was all worth it.

Think of me and when you do, I hope you smile.

K

ME Bad...

These last few days I felt that I deserve more - more than M.

I'm arrogant and too proud that way.

I think I have, again, been misguided by the "idealism" portrayed by couples I randomly stalk online.

-o0o-

You see, I was away for a couple of months for work. Its close to the Metro but my schedule was so tight (no free time even on weekends) that it was impossible to meet with M.

I did not expect M to come visit - even on my birthday.

Okay, I lied.

I was fervently hoping he would come on my birthday.

M didn't show up.

Not even a card.

There was a text message though and I had to call him because he didn't have extra for calls.

That's it pansit.

I was fighting myself not feel bad - but I did.

I miss getting cards and flowers on my birthday.

I miss surprise lunches brought to the office.

I miss the random travels.

I miss gifts.

I know, it all sounds superficial and  mundane and I know I have a lot going with a good man like M and it makes me feel even more bad knowing that.

Its just, don't I deserve at least that, on my birthday?

-o0o-

I got back after the two months just for a December breather as I'm going away again next year for a longer time.

Every inch of ME was glad to see M.

And I could not help but think na baka babawi siya.

Wala. Nganga. Its been more than a week.

So I had to schedule us dinner to celebrate my post birthday - kulang na lang bilhan ko sarili ko ng regalo.

M enjoyed the food. I did too.

We went home afterwards - that's that.

-o0o-

And its M's birthday too in a couple of weeks - everything's planned already from the gift, to the dinner, to the post dinner, to the overnight stay.

And I wanted to cancel it all.

Masama ako talaga minsan.

But I didn't - M deserved it for giving me peace of mind and security and love and just generally putting up with ME and my crazy expectations.

I guess I just need to stop stalking people online and re-frame my mind that whatever it is I have is exactly what I deserve.

So here's to contentment.

So Let it Remain...

SHE and I met the other day - the usual exchange of gifts: ME for the Twins and SHE for ME.

-o0o-

You look thinner. Training was good on you. SHE said

M is good for ME. ME replied.

And that. SHE said as we laughed together

I miss you and the twins. ME said

As do we - so does HE. SHE said

Kailangan mai-singit? Hahaha! ME said

Because its the truth. SHE

I'm trying to forget because it still awfully hurts. ME tried to smile.

Don't. SHE

Don't what? ME

Don't forget - sayang yung pain. Pain can be a great "re-framer" - you wouldn't have seen the value of things the way you see them now if it weren't for that pain. SHE said in one breath.

ME looked at SHE in the eye and I am grateful again for her and having met her.

You are... You are... ME couldn't continue because ME was tearing up already at this point.

All ME could manage was a mouthed "Thank you" and that was all we both needed.

-o0o-

Here's to friendship!


P.S: Happy Holidays All!

M Has Options Too

For the first time in forever (charot!), M and I went out - clubbing.

I always normally opt to stay home because I'm usually tired from classes on weekends.

Last weekend was an exemption, my kids (students) went to a fun run and I got to go home earlier. M suggested we should go out - we did.

And boy oh boy was it a wake up call.

Ang feelingero ko kasi. 

Feeling ko ako lang yung hinhabol ni M.

But when we were at the club, a series of things/people happened:

1) A transwoman kept on passing by our table and kept on trying to make eye contact with M (5 seconds or  more - my timer ako)
2) A twink keeps on elbowing M and saying sorry so just he could start a conversation with M
3) A much mature guy sent a bottle of beer over to M (I mean come on - couldn't he/they see I was, ehem, there? With M?)
4) I saw M's ex - who was gorgeous (insert a gallon of insecurity here)

Needless to say (but I'm saying it anyway), my man has loads of options if he wanted to.

Yet M's been around - choosing ME even when he had many reasons not to.

I'm a lucky bastard.

Finally, I'm noting though that M glanced at the Ex once or twice. Pero saka na kami magtutuos tungkol dito.

Yun lang madam. Yung hair ko, excuse me, dadaan.

Of Meeting M's Friends...

WE met with M's friends.

One them was treating dinner and they were eating at a place nearby - M said I should come.

I was beyond tired that day and I had to return my student's exams the next day - not to mention I had to prepare for a new lesson. M knows this.

But, its not everyday that I get to be with M's friends, so I went.

I waited for them for 2 hours. I didn't mind the waiting - sanay ako maghintay, lalo na sa mga tao.

Then on to dinner - yes, the friend did treat everyone.

-o0o-

M's friends are complete opposite of mine. They, I thought to myself, can never be in the same room.

After dinner, humirit 'yung isang kaibigan nila na pa-inom naman daw ako. 

I smiled and looked at M - he said nothing.

We walked aimlessly around the mall and finally humirit ulit: Hindi ba talaga iinom?

Sure, sige, san tayo? ME said finally.

I ended up leading them to a bar and ordering for everyone.

They did have fun.

And by default, I settled the bill.

Sa isip ko, sana nag-dinner na lang ako mag-isa. Hehe.

WE have gone out multiple times with my set of friends - never was M obliged to pay for everyone. And it was never really in our nature as friends to make hirit to the GFs and BFs of the others.

Don't get me wrong, I would have happily settled the bill IF there was no pretext at the start that I was paying for it.

-o0o-

I struggle convincing myself that it's just the way they are and that just because they are different from my friends means they are any more or  less than mine.

Hindi naman sila ka-relasyon ko, 'di ba?

I was just a bit disappointed with M - he knows very well that I came from a tiring day and have classes the next. My goal was just really to get some dinner - and dinner with them sounded like a good idea.

And I was expecting M would be the one to refuse his friends for ME because I could not do it without looking like a prune.

So what's my point? May masulat lang.

If Someone...

If someone loves the excess fats and flabs on you...

If someone loves your hair on a windy day...

If someone loves to look at you more than the movie you're watching together...

If someone loves to find your hands under the sheets just so he could sleep...

If someone loves the mistakes you did...

If someone loves your past - little as he knows about it...

If someone loves everything you love...

And if someone loves you despite you hurting him...

Would you not love that someone back?

You should.

You must.

M Said...

Hindi mo siguro naiintidihan yung "andito lang ako."

Ibig sabihin nun - anuman ang mangyari, hindi ako aalis - hindi kita iiwan.

Masasaktan mo ako at masasaktan din kita.

Pero ganoon talaga.

Andito.

Lang. 

Ako.  

At least, may isang taong hindi mawawala sayo.

SHE Said...

You just do - you survive these things. 

Either you were really built for it 

or you have developed a body mechanism to just bounce-back after all the sh*t that you go through. 

Just look at you - alive and all. 

You are built for pain K.

And I'm sorry - I'm sorry for HE.

I Was...

I was the one that tried to understand you - albeit your complications.

I accepted all of you despite the questions I had.

I swallowed my pride for you.

I gave up on people to be with you.

I practically restructured my moral fibers for you.

I trusted your words.

I denied your lies.

I believed in you - more than you did yourself.

I was your number one fan.

I tolerated all your antics.

I was forgiving- every single time.

I was all you wanted me to be.

I was the good guy.

And I loved you.

Yes I did.

And you - you threw all that away.

For what?

Cheap thrills?

A tighter *ss?

Some perks you needed?

You have not changed like you said.

You are still the same self-serving, boy-hopping, insecure little man that you always were.

Boy oh boy!

You do have a way with words and you almost had me again.

But I'm not covering up for you this time.

I will not be your security blanket.

Your ego boost.

You don't deserve it.

You don't deserve to hurt a good guy again.

And you haven't deserved ME a long time ago.

So why don't you stick your finger up your *ss and go f*ck yourself.

Because that's what you are - a self-f*cker.

You are a mess.

So do the world a favor and fix your life first.

Stop messing with mine.

Besides, you have loads of takers - don't you?

Go to them.

Be with them.

Just get the hell out of my life.

-o0o-

HE and J are still together. And so is HE and another person from his province. And god knows who else.

And the nerve of HE to - argh!

I am just glad I didn't believe HE (again) this time.

Gawd! When will this end!

I wish I could drink some serum to erase every single memory I have of HE.

You d*ckhead!

Constant Choosing...

This is not the last time you will have to choose. Mama started.

There will be plenty of times you will be put in this position. And sometimes, it's when you least expect it. Mama stopped and held my hand.

You see, its a constant choosing of someone. Despite the amount of pain, the deceit and the taking-for-granted, when you decide to choose that person, you stick to it. It was like that with your dad until he decided not to choose me. There was a faint smile from my Mama.

Why are you smiling? ME

Did it show? Haha. Its just that I have finally said it: your dad did not choose me. Even if I would have chosen him a thousand times over, he finally decided to choose someone else. And my acceptance for this, now, while talking to you, is liberating. Mama was all smiles now.

I'm glad Ma. ME

Mama's smile quickly faded and her eyes looked at me intently.

Do not be like me. Mama's gripped on my hand grew tighter.

Choose someone who'll choose you - despite your morning breath, or your "kasungitan," or your lack of regard for others sometimes. Choose someone who will wait, who has no eyes for anyone but you, who is afraid when your mad, who respects your "no" and celebrates your "yes." Mama was firm on her words.

Are you getting me? You have doubted your choices before and you made bad ones too. Time to make healthier choices this time. Hindi ka naman na bata.  Mama was imposing now.

ME nodded.

Please choose someone who'll choose you, even if you would not choose him. Alam mo kung bakit? Mama asked

ME shook my head.

Because you deserve to be chosen Son. Mama

And in that instant, everything became clear to ME - I knew.

To You...

You've been here - countless times.

You know how it feels.

And you are well too familiar with the dilemma.

You understand - even empathize.

And I know too how I sound - trapped in a vicious cycle of letting-love and letting-go.

And at the back of both our minds, perhaps, we have expected this.

You were hopeful for something different, I was too.

God! I struggled.

Every. Single. Day.

But as the fates would have it - I'm back to were I left off.

I tried.

I really did.

To have a different ending.

To be in a different place.

To fight another battle.

But all have lead me back to the same place - the same person.

You know how hard it is to run against the current - to brave against the direction of the wind.

I tried. More than you know, I tried.

And it left me empty.

It left me tired.

Perhaps I'm weak.

Or scared.

Or both.

I'm just done...

I'm done fighting it.

I'm done fighting ME.

The Same Different...

The thrusts were deep - forceful.

I was pushed to the wall and I didn't mind the wall caressing my body.

I ached for it, I was asking for it.

The breathing was heavy and the grips were strong.

The moans - yes, the moans - got loud.

And in perfect unison, we finished.

You... you are wonderful. HE whispered as we collapsed to the floor.

And this... this is the last. ME said

You don't mean that. HE

ME didn't.

This is just, this is not proper. ME attempted to reason.

Now you tell me that after the deed. HE laughed.

I know, its a pathetic guilty admission of a sin. ME replied.

Its not a sin. HE

J? M? Its a complete disregard for them. ME

I have not been seeing J for a month. HE

ME knew.

Look at me. HE said in authority. I am not asking you more than what you can give. Only what you can, this is the price to be paid for what I did. I understand that and I am willing to be sidelined. M sounds like a far better guy than me. But I'm saying this now: J is out of the picture.

ME was quiet.

I deserve to be an option - but, if for anything, I want to be YOUR option. HE said as he gently kissed my lips.

ME kissed HE back.

Not in the Mood...

I have not been into s*x for the last months.

I have not had the appetite for it.

No - its not M.

M's hot.

Its just that I'm tired too often and not even M's overflowing s*x appeal would get me in the mood.

-o0o-

Magbabawas ako a. M said after I turned him down.

Ha? Me acting innocent.

'Di ko kaya eh. kailangan kong ilabas. M said.

I kissed M's ears.

Gusto ko makita ka ng mabuti habang nagpapalabas. I whispered.

I could see M smile.

M went on top of me, raised his left hand and grabbed his hair and went on to wrap his right hand on his p*nis.

He gyrated and moved on top of me never breaking eye contact until he came - and came again.

-o0o-

That would have put me in the mood.

But it didn't - what is wrong with me?

Just When...

Pwede ka na bumisita Babe sa amin - naglipat na kami ng bahay - yung apartment na talaga. Wala pa lang mga gamit pero mas maayos na. Masayang balita ni M.

-o0o-

This would be the first time, if ever, that I would actually see where M sleeps when we're not together.

I also know that this effort would be a huge cut-off of his allowance.

M tries no?

And trying is good enough for me.

I should be so lucky.

No Card Still...

I still don't have a card but I did get this...

There are compromises eh? This is a good enough letter for ME - even better than a card.

LOL!

Smiley.

PS: Apologies for bragging.

Dear M...

I lied...

When I told you I don't like getting flowers - I do, kahit perinwinkle, papatusin ko.

When I told you chocolates are for kids - chocnut, I would die for chocnut!

When I told you I don't like movie dates - I sneak to cinemas on weekdays when we're not together.

When I tell you I got the bill for us - I would anticipate for you to share it.

When I told you I never liked Valentines - I was hoping for you to surprise me with a rose or a Toblerone or anything!

When I told you I was  a home buddy so let's just stay home during the weekends - I am really aching for an adventure out-of-town.

When I said I don't celebrate monthsaries or anniversaries - I really don't but I would love to start celebrating.

When I told you I don't expect anything of you and what's important is that you're there for me - I do! I do expect a lot!

I want you to break my rules - show me that I deserve to get the cheesy stuff and conform to the norms of a hetero- relationship even if we're not.

I want you to engage my friends in conversations on capitalism, class intersectionality and Wicked!

I want to feel like I'm not the only one initiating things (save for the s*x that you can't get enough of).

I lied to you when I said I want it simple - I don't.

I want the whirlwind crazy addicting kind of love.

I want more and you don't know how bad that makes me feel - that I'm not contented when I should.

I feel like a villain - never satisfied with just "good." I blame my education for it.

You, by far, has been so good to me but I am hoping it would get better.

Please make it better.

Because now, I think I might have lied too when I said I love you...

Because You Don't Stop Letting Go...

HE never missed a Birthday and a Valentines to send ME a card. Regardless of fights, the intermittent separations and those times of tension-filled silences, ME always had a card.

Over the weekend, ME thought (and maybe hoped a little) that come Monday, HE's card would sit on my table. ME would open it and there would be that familiar phrase HE always signs his name in: "I love you and always will..."

Come Monday - there was no card on my table.

And ME felt an overwhelming kind of sadness.

It all feels like an eternal letting-go.

That every time ME remembers HE, ME would have to repeat performance and let-go again.

-o0o-

On other news, I and M spent a post-valentines date with my high school classmates (and their partners too). This is one of the things I could have never done with HE.

But M had one to many drinks and I literally spent our post-date, cleaning M and his vomit on the bed, the sheets and pillows and the bedroom walls and curtains. I never knew one could vomit so much.

M woke up with a massive headache and I never really slept. LOL!

Never Really a Fan of February...

Sorry daw kasi hndi niya ako maayang magdate this balemtyms.

Okay lang naman sa akin.

Hindi naman yun mahalaga.

Saka wala din naman mapupuntahan na hindi ka pipila sa Friday.

Ang tanda ko na din naman para sa mga ganyan.

Besides, I never really celebrate Valentines - HE was always with SHE.

So no biggie.

And in Other News...

I put M as my "person in case of emergency."

This warrants news - at least for me.

:)

Never Done...

I am cooking tonight - I am excited to cook. 

I rushed from work to the grocery then headed straight home - I wanted everything okay when M arrives. It's adobong kangkong for dinner as requested. 

I prepped the food to my standard and the rice was cooked just before M arrives. In 20 minutes the food was ready, just enough time as M was still finishing the news. I set the table, put food and called M. 

He loved it! I am satisfied.

After finishing that one teleserye he watches, he moves to the bedroom to sleep - I was on to the dishes. When the kitchen was clear, I cleaned myself for sleep. I was careful in sneaking into the bedroom as I didn't want to wake him.

When I got there, the laundry was still on the bed (on my side) and it's begging to be folded. With just the light from my cell phone, I folded them all neatly and tucked them in my closet. I looked at M - almost with disappointment. 

I did the dinner and the whole other gamut of things that goes with preparing dinner. Didn't he see the laundry?

That night, I slept with my back away from M. 

But then I thought, there is no room now for complaints. There is still that big presentation at work in the morning, that new lesson that needs to be taught in class and that class field trip for the other class to think of the next day. 

And there's dinner to cook again too.

Work is never done.

2013 Recap...

JANUARY - Vanity and Validation

I wanted (planned) to take it easy for the year with HE but by the end of the month, I guess all that I was also really looking for was validation from HE. But now, no amount of validation would justify hurting others - no it doesn't.

-x0x-
Look, it's just the validation that I'm still recognized as the wife - that's really what I aim for. Yung para lang alam mo kung san ka lulugar - sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko eh yung binabastos yung karapatan ko bilang asawa pa rin. SHE

F*ck my husband all you want pero don't you dare attack my personality or tell me that I am not enough for my husband. Eh anu kung mas maganda regalo ni HE sayo? O mas mahal? O mas marami? Really, I can buy what I want and if that entices you to have s*x with HE or makes you feel that you're more loved, go ahead and think that. I will not rain on your parade. SHE added.
-x0x-

FEBRUARY - Learning about ME

There were instances were temptations would present itself over and over - I'm just glad that I still have an ounce of self-restraint left. Hopefully, enough to sustain ME for the year too.

-x0x-
I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.
-x0x-

MARCH - Learning About Other Forms of Love and Going Back to the Love You Know Very Well

It was an eye-opener: a girl falling in love with a gay guy (both were my students). It was hard to understand it before - now, its just really reminiscent of the other forms of relationships I have - with my sister, my mom and SHE.

And yeah, this was the month I started toying the idea with HE-ME again - together.

-x0x-
Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.
-x0x-

APRIL - M and Doubting the Ability to Love Again

This was the month I got to know M and got to reflect a bit more how my life have been dependent on HE's existence - on the relationship with HE. I remember this month well because I got to feel good again.

-x0x-
Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?
-x0x-

MAY - My Farmer Boy

Looking back, I think I was just really trying to find something wrong with M - who spends more should not really matter. And M has been trying hard to more than make-up for it.

-x0x-
And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M
-x0x-

JUNE - The First Relapse of the Year But then, Some Silver Lining c/o M

There was a promise to not get hurt again by HE, a bit of self-blaming for what happened with ME and HE, and then failing to move-on with just a single text from HE. But then, M was there to make some things better. Oh gawd! M's been really my sanity.

-x0x-
Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.
-x0x-

JULY - Admitting Defeat

After everything, I think this was the first time I truly accepted defeat. That while everything is business-as-usual, my world have caved in already. And  it was the first time that I heard defeat from SHE's voice too - we are connected more than what we have planned to.

-x0x-
It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system.SHE
-x0x-

AUGUST - Admitting M

The kilig I felt from M grew deeper into caring and wanting to love M, this was the first time too that I admitted this to myself. But I drew caution - I would not be able to recover from another HE-kind-of-relationship.

-x0x-
Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.
-x0x-

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER - A Bit of Surveying

I have been learning a lot from my gender studies classes and the posts from this month were just to try and capture points of view from different people.

-x0x-
Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!
-x0x-

NOVEMBER - Work and Love

The first weeks of the month was heavy on my work because of the typhoon but like those in previous months, M was there to make things better so I said I loved him back.

-x0x-
Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.
-x0x-

DECEMBER  - The Year's Second and Final Relapse

Well that's that. LOL.

-o0o-

That's 2013 for ME. It just dawned to me that for all the times I felt defeated, torn, lost  or gave-up on myself - there was M. 

So yeah - 2013 is the year of M - and 2014 too and 2015 and 2016 and forever.

-o0o-

PS: Reading this post again napa-wow ako sa "forever" pero ngayong medyo nahimasmasan na ako , parang medyo kabig muna sa mga forever na yan. Let's just work things as we go along, if its not gonna end to forever - than, it is what it is.