These last few days I felt that I deserve more - more than M.
I'm arrogant and too proud that way.
I think I have, again, been misguided by the "idealism" portrayed by couples I randomly stalk online.
You see, I was away for a couple of months for work. Its close to the Metro but my schedule was so tight (no free time even on weekends) that it was impossible to meet with M.
I did not expect M to come visit - even on my birthday.
Okay, I lied.
I was fervently hoping he would come on my birthday.
M didn't show up.
Not even a card.
There was a text message though and I had to call him because he didn't have extra for calls.
That's it pansit.
I was fighting myself not feel bad - but I did.
I miss getting cards and flowers on my birthday.
I miss surprise lunches brought to the office.
I miss the random travels.
I miss gifts.
I know, it all sounds superficial and mundane and I know I have a lot going with a good man like M and it makes me feel even more bad knowing that.
Its just, don't I deserve at least that, on my birthday?
I got back after the two months just for a December breather as I'm going away again next year for a longer time.
Every inch of ME was glad to see M.
And I could not help but think na baka babawi siya.
Wala. Nganga. Its been more than a week.
So I had to schedule us dinner to celebrate my post birthday - kulang na lang bilhan ko sarili ko ng regalo.
M enjoyed the food. I did too.
We went home afterwards - that's that.
And its M's birthday too in a couple of weeks - everything's planned already from the gift, to the dinner, to the post dinner, to the overnight stay.
And I wanted to cancel it all.
Masama ako talaga minsan.
But I didn't - M deserved it for giving me peace of mind and security and love and just generally putting up with ME and my crazy expectations.
I guess I just need to stop stalking people online and re-frame my mind that whatever it is I have is exactly what I deserve.
So here's to contentment.