Tuesday, December 9, 2014

ME Bad...

These last few days I felt that I deserve more - more than M.

I'm arrogant and too proud that way.

I think I have, again, been misguided by the "idealism" portrayed by couples I randomly stalk online.


You see, I was away for a couple of months for work. Its close to the Metro but my schedule was so tight (no free time even on weekends) that it was impossible to meet with M.

I did not expect M to come visit - even on my birthday.

Okay, I lied.

I was fervently hoping he would come on my birthday.

M didn't show up.

Not even a card.

There was a text message though and I had to call him because he didn't have extra for calls.

That's it pansit.

I was fighting myself not feel bad - but I did.

I miss getting cards and flowers on my birthday.

I miss surprise lunches brought to the office.

I miss the random travels.

I miss gifts.

I know, it all sounds superficial and  mundane and I know I have a lot going with a good man like M and it makes me feel even more bad knowing that.

Its just, don't I deserve at least that, on my birthday?


I got back after the two months just for a December breather as I'm going away again next year for a longer time.

Every inch of ME was glad to see M.

And I could not help but think na baka babawi siya.

Wala. Nganga. Its been more than a week.

So I had to schedule us dinner to celebrate my post birthday - kulang na lang bilhan ko sarili ko ng regalo.

M enjoyed the food. I did too.

We went home afterwards - that's that.


And its M's birthday too in a couple of weeks - everything's planned already from the gift, to the dinner, to the post dinner, to the overnight stay.

And I wanted to cancel it all.

Masama ako talaga minsan.

But I didn't - M deserved it for giving me peace of mind and security and love and just generally putting up with ME and my crazy expectations.

I guess I just need to stop stalking people online and re-frame my mind that whatever it is I have is exactly what I deserve.

So here's to contentment.


  1. I was in that situation before. Choosing between what I have and what I think I deserve.

    We broke up.

    Then I realized how much I had with him. How much I have lost without him. He left me because he couldn't give what I wanted. I thought his love was stronger. I was wrong.

    I miss him so bad.

    Well, my point is that to be careful of your decisions. As cliche as this may sound, you will never know what you have until you lose it.

    Cheers to contentment.

    Have you tried negotiations? Deserving someone better doesn't have to mean deserving from someone else.

    1. "Deserving someone better doesn't have to mean deserving from someone else."

      -> I will forever hold on to this - this has changed my mind-framework a lot. Thank you.

  2. I wish I have the same patience as you. :) But 8 years ago, I would have written a blog entry much like this. And to this day, the memory that ex left remains bittersweet.

    1. What happened is exactly what should have happened. :)

  3. I feel you...sa una lang yan. Masasanay ka din