2013 Recap...

JANUARY - Vanity and Validation

I wanted (planned) to take it easy for the year with HE but by the end of the month, I guess all that I was also really looking for was validation from HE. But now, no amount of validation would justify hurting others - no it doesn't.

-x0x-
Look, it's just the validation that I'm still recognized as the wife - that's really what I aim for. Yung para lang alam mo kung san ka lulugar - sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko eh yung binabastos yung karapatan ko bilang asawa pa rin. SHE

F*ck my husband all you want pero don't you dare attack my personality or tell me that I am not enough for my husband. Eh anu kung mas maganda regalo ni HE sayo? O mas mahal? O mas marami? Really, I can buy what I want and if that entices you to have s*x with HE or makes you feel that you're more loved, go ahead and think that. I will not rain on your parade. SHE added.
-x0x-

FEBRUARY - Learning about ME

There were instances were temptations would present itself over and over - I'm just glad that I still have an ounce of self-restraint left. Hopefully, enough to sustain ME for the year too.

-x0x-
I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.
-x0x-

MARCH - Learning About Other Forms of Love and Going Back to the Love You Know Very Well

It was an eye-opener: a girl falling in love with a gay guy (both were my students). It was hard to understand it before - now, its just really reminiscent of the other forms of relationships I have - with my sister, my mom and SHE.

And yeah, this was the month I started toying the idea with HE-ME again - together.

-x0x-
Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.
-x0x-

APRIL - M and Doubting the Ability to Love Again

This was the month I got to know M and got to reflect a bit more how my life have been dependent on HE's existence - on the relationship with HE. I remember this month well because I got to feel good again.

-x0x-
Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?
-x0x-

MAY - My Farmer Boy

Looking back, I think I was just really trying to find something wrong with M - who spends more should not really matter. And M has been trying hard to more than make-up for it.

-x0x-
And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M
-x0x-

JUNE - The First Relapse of the Year But then, Some Silver Lining c/o M

There was a promise to not get hurt again by HE, a bit of self-blaming for what happened with ME and HE, and then failing to move-on with just a single text from HE. But then, M was there to make some things better. Oh gawd! M's been really my sanity.

-x0x-
Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.
-x0x-

JULY - Admitting Defeat

After everything, I think this was the first time I truly accepted defeat. That while everything is business-as-usual, my world have caved in already. And  it was the first time that I heard defeat from SHE's voice too - we are connected more than what we have planned to.

-x0x-
It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system.SHE
-x0x-

AUGUST - Admitting M

The kilig I felt from M grew deeper into caring and wanting to love M, this was the first time too that I admitted this to myself. But I drew caution - I would not be able to recover from another HE-kind-of-relationship.

-x0x-
Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.
-x0x-

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER - A Bit of Surveying

I have been learning a lot from my gender studies classes and the posts from this month were just to try and capture points of view from different people.

-x0x-
Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!
-x0x-

NOVEMBER - Work and Love

The first weeks of the month was heavy on my work because of the typhoon but like those in previous months, M was there to make things better so I said I loved him back.

-x0x-
Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.
-x0x-

DECEMBER  - The Year's Second and Final Relapse

Well that's that. LOL.

-o0o-

That's 2013 for ME. It just dawned to me that for all the times I felt defeated, torn, lost  or gave-up on myself - there was M. 

So yeah - 2013 is the year of M - and 2014 too and 2015 and 2016 and forever.

-o0o-

PS: Reading this post again napa-wow ako sa "forever" pero ngayong medyo nahimasmasan na ako , parang medyo kabig muna sa mga forever na yan. Let's just work things as we go along, if its not gonna end to forever - than, it is what it is.

Relapse...

While I have been doing well for the past five-six months, there are still moments where I snap - relapses.

There are things that would remind me of you and automatically, my whole being reacts as if you were present at that same space and time with me.

And in that weakened moment I scanned your profile, you have one public image with J like you had one with me. That was one of your bravest moves - that was for only me , yes, for ME alone - before.

But you see, I wanted to torture myself more and scanned J's profile too.

You brought him to your province. Like you did me.

He met your childhood friends. Like I did.

You ate at the only place we ate on those special days.

And, as I have memorized it, you ordered the same chopseuy - that beef steak and the cheesecake you can never get in the city no matter how we hop from one pastry shop to the other. 

It must be the air that's different in the province that's making the blueberries taste better. You would conclude after each tasting. And I never got the heart to tell you they buy it in bulk at S&R per the chef.

And then I noticed something different from the last series of pictures - you were both wearing the same watch - like what we did. The silver stainless steel, the big dials over a deep blue background. You bought him the same watch you gave me.

I wished I was not affected - but I was.

My heart sank again.

My shoulders felt heavy.

I refused to breathe.

How can you be happy?

With what you did to me, you don't deserve to be - not yet.

I hate you.

Of Hopes...

How can I help? It was a text SHE

Cash or in kind - but we are prioritizing napkins, diapers and condoms. ME replied.

Consider it done. Where to drop? SHE

I could meet you or there's a drop-off at the College. ME

We'll meet naman later so i'll course it through you K. SHE

Salamat SHE. ME

-o0o-

How are you holding up? SHE asked. We were at our usual once-twice a month dinner dates.

Better. But I feel responsible. I have been with the project for three years and still, parang walang nangyari - we are as unprepared as ever. ME

I don't think anybody would be prepared for that large a scale. Give yourself some slack. SHE

Salamat - I know you mean for the best. But I really feel we could have done more. ME

We have and we will. SHE was trying to convince me.

-o0o-

You see, ME have been with an institution for the last years in capacitating communities [or at least attempt to] in preparing for disasters and climate change. And  Yolanda has been a pail of cold water (heck - a whole ocean even!] that drenched us into reconsidering our strategies for preparedness.

What have we not done?

What were we doing wrong?

What needs to be changed?

I have been working with our team on looking at structures, policies, initiatives or the lack thereof for the last week.

And I have been obsessed at trying to make sense of the unimaginable loss of life and property.

Everything has been harder to do:
...eat and drink because there are those who have not been eating and/or drinking for days
...put on clean clothes when others don't even have any
...wake-up when thousands don't anymore

And despair is everywhere - two of my students haven't heard from their families since 10 November. And while they are excused from class, they kept on attending instead because its the only piece of sanity they have left. Their classmates have been more than supportive.

Five of my colleagues traveled by land the day after as their families were also there.

But some glimmer of hope arise sometimes. A close friend's family is in Samar - they are okay but the sister is coming to Manila to pursue the rest of the semester as the Visayas Campus cannot function - not in the next months. Aside from the countless help for relief efforts - the fact that a person affected still has a firm hold of her future is inspiring.

-o0o-

We ate in silence.

Here. SHE finally uttered and slipped a plastic envelope across our table in between our Jobee 39ers.

That's about Php3,000 worth of 10 and 5 peso coins from the Twins. They were saving it for buying their friends Christmas gifts. SHE said smiling.

Kids noh, just when you think they are only thinking of themselves. SHE continued.

I almost could not contain myself and wanted to cry my heart out. I have read of kids giving their piggy banks for donations but when someone you know does it - its a euphoric experience. I bit my lip as hard just to suppress my about uncontrolled-hysteria for the Twin's act of kindness.

It would be too much to ask you to cheer up but hey, there is hope, with a generation like that of my kids - I have the greatest of hopes. SHE concluded.

-o0o-

There's still a lot to be done.

We must mourn but we must also do what we can - in however or whatever way we can.

Here's to igniting that fire of hope!

A Strategy for Love...

No, I am not an expert.

But I think I might have found a formula (or process) to finding an easy-breezy relationship and its no secret.

1. The other guy must love you more
2. Learn to love the other guy - maybe not in the same intensity, but love nonetheless

You know very well  where I'm coming from.

-o0o-

Love before M was altruistic and natural - it was not made or influenced - it just is. You love a person for no reason - you just love out of nowhere.

After M, I found that the better kinds of love are those that are learnt and nourished. For the first months with M, I thought he was just a guy that was a necessary intervention for me to move forward from He.

M was there for Me even if he does not know about He or what happened with He, M was there - he did not ask or attempted to intrude - he just made himself "there."

-o0o-

I was out for a week, I went from east to west coast (Pinas ha, not US) and had the chance to sleep only during travel time.

When I arrived, M was waiting. He got hold of my bags, prepared the bed and my clothes to sleep on. I slept early that night with a goal of waking up early the next day to fix my things.

And so I woke up with M's embrace. I kissed him softly on the lips and got up - M stayed in bed.

I went to the bathroom - the toiletries I brought for my travel were there, organized the way I would have organized it.

I stepped out of the bathroom, M was still in bed, and searched for my bag. It was in the closet, neatly tucked.

I looked at my hamper, it was empty - my guess is the clothes are hanging dry already. I went outside and there they were, my soiled clothes washed and swaying happily under the sun.

I stepped in, M was up, making coffee already. I stopped and looked at him.

He was wearing my boxers and an old college shirt. He yawned like it was the last thing he would do and scratched his head.

Saan ka galing? M finally noticed me and asked.

I smiled and did not answer his question. I moved forward instead and embraced him from the back.

Salamat. I whispered.

He turned around, placed his hands on my hips and kissed me.

I started tearing up. These little things he does - makes me believe in love again.

Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.

M was looking at me - he was surprised.

And then he smiled.

Basta ako ang naunang nagsabi niyan a - huwag mong kalimutan. M joked.

And we just stayed in that embrace for what seems like forever - for what I hope would be forever.

-o0o-

Here's to learning love!

On Violence and Gender Perceptions...

I have been busy with my own studies for the past months. It was a liberating experience - so much more than what I expected to be just a distraction from HE and the whole mess that is my life.

I was shown THIS post first before THIS post. This is how I answered:

Situation	Hetero	Homo	Justification
Orgy	Violence	Not	Gays are promiscuous, thus any kind of agreeing to an orgy suspends rights of preferences. How is this different from a woman? Just my bias that in a woman’s case, any kind of forced/unwanted sexual advance is rape or harassment – no matter how promiscuous the woman is.
1-Night Stand	Violence	Violence	I strongly feel that any kind of verbal slaughter (whether meant or not) that diminishes a person is a form of violence.
Partners/Married Couple	Violence	Not	Hetero-adultery is against the law thus, a form of violence.  Meanwhile, Homo-unfaithfulness is the norm.

Just for context, by "violence" we mean physical, verbal or psychological abuse. And by "abuse" we mean undue restriction of freedom.

From my answers, obviously, I have double standards. While I find all circumstances as violent for the Hetero, I have become selective with the Homo. I have varied reasons for this - I could not really point one life-factor but yeah, I discriminate.

Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!

On VAG (2)...

I urge that you read the FIRST post first (how redundant). :)

-o0o-

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 3 men and 2 women, 1 (Man) was eyeing 2 (Woman).

And in any group orgy of about 5, there is always an odd-member-out - that's 5 (Man).

3 (Man) & 4 (Woman) started getting it on.

2 (Woman) went down on 1 (Man).

1 (Man) was about to cum when 2 (Woman) went in for a kiss and 5 (Man) went in behind 2 (Woman) and started humping her from behind.

2 (Woman) had no desire for 5 (Man) and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabasan na naman siya at nagpaubuya ka na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are office mates.

2 (Woman) obviously like 1 (Man).

On a drunken birthday night, 1 (Man) and 2 (Woman) found themselves lying next to each other.

2 (Woman) searched for 1's (Man's) member, 1 (Man) willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 1 (Man) came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 1 suddenly said after dressing up. "Puta ka din e - papatulan kahit sino." 1 (Man) continued.

2 (Woman) enjoyed every bit of the moment and she feels like what 1 (Man) just said it to emancipate himself from the act that just happened as he had a girlfriend.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are married.

They would have been married for five years this year.

1 (Man) has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 (Woman) tolerated it - she made herself to think that she was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in any relationships.

2 (Woman) was always conscious that she looks good for 1 (Man), that she took care of 1 (Man) , that 1 (Man) should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 (Man) wanted to live with someone else, 2 (Woman) would not object and would wait until 1 (Man) decides to come back to her.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Women (VAW)? Did you have different answers on the first post? If yes, why'd you think so?

-o0o-

Note: I know this feels like a survey (its really not) but I would love  to have a little validation (or opposition) of what I have answered myself  and just to see our reflections on our conception of abuses.

Shout out to JM, Geosef, Gillboard and FiftyShadesOfQueer for your comments on the first post.

On Violence Against Gays (1)...

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 5 men, 1 was eyeing 2.

And in any group orgy of about 5 men, there is always an odd-gay-out - that's 5.

3 & 4 started getting it on.

2 went down on 1.

1 was about to cum when 2 went in for a kiss and 5 went in to s*ck 1's member.

1 had no desire for 5 and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabas na at napaubuya mo na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 & 2 are office mates.

1 is openly gay.

2 is discreet like i-haven't-accepted-myself-yet-as-gay-but-i-am-willing-to-have-sex-with-you

On a drunken birthday night, 1 & 2 found themselves lying next to each other.

1 searched for 2's member, 2 willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 2 came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 2 suddenly said after dressing up. "Kapag inulit mo pa ito, makatikim ka talaga ng hinahanap mo - bakal ka!." 2 continued.

1 enjoyed every bit of the moment and he feels like what 2 just said is to emancipate himself from the "gay" act that just happened.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 & 2 are partners.

They would have been partners for five years this year.

1 has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 tolerated it - he made himself to think that he was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in gay relationships.

2 was always conscious that he looks good for 1, that he took care of 1, that 1 should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 wanted to live with someone else, 2 would not object and would wait until 1 decides to come back to him.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Gays (VAG)?