2013 Recap...

JANUARY - Vanity and Validation

I wanted (planned) to take it easy for the year with HE but by the end of the month, I guess all that I was also really looking for was validation from HE. But now, no amount of validation would justify hurting others - no it doesn't.

-x0x-
Look, it's just the validation that I'm still recognized as the wife - that's really what I aim for. Yung para lang alam mo kung san ka lulugar - sa lahat kasi ng ayaw ko eh yung binabastos yung karapatan ko bilang asawa pa rin. SHE

F*ck my husband all you want pero don't you dare attack my personality or tell me that I am not enough for my husband. Eh anu kung mas maganda regalo ni HE sayo? O mas mahal? O mas marami? Really, I can buy what I want and if that entices you to have s*x with HE or makes you feel that you're more loved, go ahead and think that. I will not rain on your parade. SHE added.
-x0x-

FEBRUARY - Learning about ME

There were instances were temptations would present itself over and over - I'm just glad that I still have an ounce of self-restraint left. Hopefully, enough to sustain ME for the year too.

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I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.
-x0x-

MARCH - Learning About Other Forms of Love and Going Back to the Love You Know Very Well

It was an eye-opener: a girl falling in love with a gay guy (both were my students). It was hard to understand it before - now, its just really reminiscent of the other forms of relationships I have - with my sister, my mom and SHE.

And yeah, this was the month I started toying the idea with HE-ME again - together.

-x0x-
Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.
-x0x-

APRIL - M and Doubting the Ability to Love Again

This was the month I got to know M and got to reflect a bit more how my life have been dependent on HE's existence - on the relationship with HE. I remember this month well because I got to feel good again.

-x0x-
Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?
-x0x-

MAY - My Farmer Boy

Looking back, I think I was just really trying to find something wrong with M - who spends more should not really matter. And M has been trying hard to more than make-up for it.

-x0x-
And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M
-x0x-

JUNE - The First Relapse of the Year But then, Some Silver Lining c/o M

There was a promise to not get hurt again by HE, a bit of self-blaming for what happened with ME and HE, and then failing to move-on with just a single text from HE. But then, M was there to make some things better. Oh gawd! M's been really my sanity.

-x0x-
Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.
-x0x-

JULY - Admitting Defeat

After everything, I think this was the first time I truly accepted defeat. That while everything is business-as-usual, my world have caved in already. And  it was the first time that I heard defeat from SHE's voice too - we are connected more than what we have planned to.

-x0x-
It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system.SHE
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AUGUST - Admitting M

The kilig I felt from M grew deeper into caring and wanting to love M, this was the first time too that I admitted this to myself. But I drew caution - I would not be able to recover from another HE-kind-of-relationship.

-x0x-
Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.
-x0x-

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER - A Bit of Surveying

I have been learning a lot from my gender studies classes and the posts from this month were just to try and capture points of view from different people.

-x0x-
Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!
-x0x-

NOVEMBER - Work and Love

The first weeks of the month was heavy on my work because of the typhoon but like those in previous months, M was there to make things better so I said I loved him back.

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Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.
-x0x-

DECEMBER  - The Year's Second and Final Relapse

Well that's that. LOL.

-o0o-

That's 2013 for ME. It just dawned to me that for all the times I felt defeated, torn, lost  or gave-up on myself - there was M. 

So yeah - 2013 is the year of M - and 2014 too and 2015 and 2016 and forever.

-o0o-

PS: Reading this post again napa-wow ako sa "forever" pero ngayong medyo nahimasmasan na ako , parang medyo kabig muna sa mga forever na yan. Let's just work things as we go along, if its not gonna end to forever - than, it is what it is.