Enough...

I am never enough.

I try to be.

I can be less intelligent.

I can fight the urge to correct your subject-verb agreements and your tenses (you know very well how hard that is).

I can like the movies you see even if I forget the whole plot the next day.

I can change my playlist to the songs you listen to.

I dress down because you should look better.

I put on perfume because you like smelling it.

I learned how to fry and can learn to cook.

I can wax my b*lls and *rse (f*ck that hurt!).

I can bend over like crazy, kneel like there's no tomorrow, walk with my hands,  have my wang hang in balcony just because you wanna try outdoor s*x.

And I love your family like I love mine.

And I can believe your lies.

And I can hold on to your word like I hold on to life.

And I love you despite.

Pero kulang pa rin ako para sa'yo.

Akala ko hindi na masakit - pero ang sakit sakit pa rin.

                   The winner takes it all
                   The loser standing small
                   Its simple and its plain 
                   Why should I complain?

PS: Time's a b*tch: its too fast when your happy and it's dragging when your not.

Of Walking Away...

You'll get blood in your eyes. I said as HE attempted to wipe HE's face with his injured hand.

HE looked at me, tears flowing from HE's eyes.

What would you have me do? HE struggled to say.

I never saw HE this vulnerable. I have seen HE cry but not like this - not like the world is about to end.

I touched HE's face and wiped the tears with my thumbs.

Kailan lang, ikaw ang nagpupunas ng luha ko. I struggled to smile. 

-o0o-

Ayaw mo na? HE said when I asked HE to talk about us.

Ayaw ko, na hindi na kita masasagot ng "mahal din kita." I replied.

Hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng sagot. HE said.

But I'm giving it anyway. I replied again

Si J ba? He was a mistake and I should have known better than to leave you. If I need to apologize everyday - gagawin ko. HE said.

Let's go away - where you can be secure. You can have my phone. Alam naman ni SHE number mo.  HE continued.

I was silent.

P*tang ina Kaloy! Say something! HE raised his voice in fury like never before.

This? Us? Your throwing us away!  HE pushed me against the wall.

HE looked at me intensely, HE's breath is heavy, both arms enclosing me - palms against the wall.

Argh! HE shouted and punched the wall.

My head shook with the impact.

HE touched his forehead with mine.

Please stay. Please stay. HE whispered.

I would make everything right - just stay please. HE's tears trickled down my face.

Your hands, let me look at it. I finally said.

-o0o-

I will be here for you like SHE is. I started after cleaning HE's hands.

But I cannot commit to the same relationship. Not anymore - not now. I continued.

And not with me. HE said.

I pursed my lips.

We had more than a good run and I don't want us to run into ruins so while we are good... I attempted to finish the sentence.

So while we're good, maghiwalay na lang tayo... HE continued.

I hugged HE tight.

Remember that night I found out about SHE. I started whispering in HE's ear. I clearly remember what you said: YOU and I - we'll be okay.

Separately - we'll be okay separately. HE whispered back. 

I hugged him tighter. 

Thank you for everything. I said and I kissed HE's hands.

I stood up - it was time to walk away. 

-o0o-

I love HE and that'll never change.

And I know I will be there for HE when I need to be there - like a friend.

But for now, here's to moving forward.

Cheers!

Not ME Anymore...

This and this and even this are not ME.

I'm turning into someone I don't like and I guess that just draws the line for me.

I've told a good friend I have to choose by the end of the year what's really best for me, but why wait?

Sure there's hope for things to be better or at least for things to go back to  the way they used to be but prolonging the choice won't make it any more right or wrong.

A decision needs to be made now and I'm choosing me.

My relationship with HE should make us both better persons but with the way things are, looks like its not turning out that way for me.

I don't want a culture of distrust.

I don't want to be the confrontational b*tch.

And I don't want to fight for lost battles anymore.

Sure I might be acting from impulse and sure I will have regrets but I can deal with HE or J and whatever they become but me, it would be hard for me to deal with a Self that I don't like.

So here goes.

No, ME's different...

Kid, don't confuse sex with love. Hindi porke tinitira ka niya mahal ka na niya - don't delude yourself with false hopes. ME talking to J.

That *ss - wait, b*tch's the better term - that B*TCH needs to hear a piece of my mind and so a piece of my mind he did hear.

Wala akong ginagawa. J

Meron, ang obvious mong maglandi. ME

Kanino? J

Please! Spare me. Stay away from my man. ME

I am, siya ang pagsabihan mo. And please, don't go directly bashing on me when you haven't even had any retrospect why he would consider me again. J

Natigilan ako. Hindi ko masabing it's not about what HE wants but the fact that HE's in a relationship and that J should be decent enough to stay away.

Karma -you wouldn't want that J. I wouldn't want that too. Look, I'm hoping your a good guy and I'm pretty sure you know where I'm coming from so just stop. ME

The line went dead.

-o0o-

Bastos si J. Plain and simple.

Ang p*ta harap harapang nang-aagaw. Wala siyang pakialam if HE's with ME - panay ang landi niya kay HE - ang kiri! 

HE's in Baguio this week and lo and behold J's post: I'm so urging to watch Breaking Dawn - kahit sa Baguio pa!

ME knows: why does J know HE's in Baguio?

ARRGHHHHHHH!

ME just really needed to confront J.

-o0o-

Hindi ako nang-agaw at kahit kailan, hindi ko masisikmurang mang-agaw. 

ME would never deliberately ruin somebody else's relationship.

ME knows where I stand and how to stand where I am. 

ME's not being self-righteous, but ME can staunchly say that ME have not broken SHE and HE's marriage or relationship. Largely because ME was dealing with adults who have come terms with their individual decisions.

But J, that stubborn piece of - arrggghhhh - does not know any decent bounds. 

J's young and vulnerable and is very much ideal. He does not have the scars that ME do nor the wounds ME's trying to heal. ME's just hoping against hope he would not have them but if J persist - ME's very much willing to inflict them.

No that is not a threat.

ME's making a mark on ME's territory so them b*tches better not step the line.