Monday, January 31, 2011

Ako Un...

Ako yung batang laging nasa honor roll para lang mapakita sa lahat na kahit malamya ako, matalino naman...

Ako yung batang laging leader sa class para lang ma-assert ko yung sarili ko sa ibang lalaki...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-CR kapag lunch kasi ang daming lalaki sa banyo...

Ako yung batang kahit pawisan na after PE ay maghahanap ng tagong lugar para makapagpalit...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-sando...

Ako yung batang sobrang takot kapag boys scout jamboree kasi hindi niya kasama mga babaeng niyang kaibigan...

Ako yung batang inaasar ng ibang tatay na 'x-men'...

Ako yung batang pilit binibilhan ng basketball, baseball, soccer at sipa ng tatay para ma-enganyong maglaro...

-o0o-

Nung tinutubuan na ako ng buhok sa kili-kili...

Ako pa rin yung batang yun - walang nagbago, nadagdagan pa nga...

Ako yung tumakbong school president na natalo dahil yung kalaban niya sobrang gwapo...

Ako yung emcee nung prom para may excuse akong di makipagsayawan...

Ako yung pinapaharap ng mga kaibigan sa magulang kung kailangan magpaalam na pupunta sa kung saan...

Ako yung nagde-decide ng isusuot ng mama ko kapag magpi-pin na siya ng ribbon pag commencement...

-o0o-

Nung college na ako. Ganun pa din - the same kid and the same adolescent just a little taller...

Ako yung nasa all-boys dorm na umuuwi lang pag kailangan matulog...

Ako yung naliligo ng sobrang aga or sobrang late para lang hindi makasabay ang iba...

Ako yung nakokontento nang may-crush lang...

Ako yung grumaduate ng virgin...

-o0o-

Nung mejo naglibog...

Ako yung my mottong: Win them with my wits first baka they would see past the face...

Ako yung bigla na lang mag-o-offline kapag hinihingi na face pic...

Ako yung pine-permanently appear offline kapag nakita na face pic...

Ako yung nagi-iscarf at nagbo-bowtie sa office para lang may mapansin silang iba...

Ako yung pang-kaibigan lang talaga...

Ako yung nakakatawa...

Ako yung tinatawagan pag gustong matawa...

-o0o-

Ang drama.

Shet.

Pero someone reminded me today of how insecure I still am.

Na beneath the confidence that I carry when I lecture in my classes or when I recite in school or when I present a proposal at work, ako pa rin yung batang matalino lang, na magaling lang magcolor coordination, na mabuting kaibigan lang...

Insecurity is like a ghost that haunts you. It creeps up inside you when your defenses are down.

Tapos na-isip ko si HE.

Bakit ganun? With HE's efforts to make me feel like i'm the only girl in the world, este secure, hindi pa rin mawala-wala yung prehistoric na insecurities ko...

Alam ko, hindi dapat i-asa sa iba ang pagkawala ng sumpa...

Nakaka-inis lang kasi na marealize mong akala mo nag-progress ka na pero sa isang iglap, you cascade (in a non-fashionable manner...) about 2 decades back...

'Dang insecurities!




10 comments:

  1. ah, just when you think you've excorcised them, personal come back to haunt you, don't they?

    you just learn to deal with them.

    *akap mahigpit*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kaloy,

    We can allow the past to haunt us. I've learned only we can free ourselves. Not our lovers, or our friends. They help, but ultimately we take that step.

    Be brave =) All the things you said referred to the past. You were that person, but no longer. Unless you choose to live in the past.

    Kane

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  3. aw shit. that bit at the end got me spot on. ganyang ganyan nangyari sa akin. nagsimula din lahat sa insecurities. image problems. and i slept with different guys because i thought it was the biggest compliment. na may mga nagkakagusto din sa akin. kahit na may isang tao namang tingin eh ako ang pinakagwapo sa mundo. hahay.

    ReplyDelete
  4. k Eternal Wanderer...: Hindi ata gumagana ang exorcism sa akin o agimat... But yes, we must learn to deal with them - somehow. Thanks for the hug. ;p

    k Kane: Bakit ganun? The hardest decisions to make are those for ourselves... I just hope I have enough will power to choose to live in the'now'... Thanks Kane!

    k Nishiboy: Sucks right? Sabi nga ni Eternal at Kane, we have to deal with them and choose to live in the present so help us God. ;p. And borrowing words from eternal - welcome (to my attempt at a blog), don't be a stranger...

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  5. ganun ka man noon (or hanggang ngayon) sigurado ako marami ka nang pinagbago ngayon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. k engel: pilit kong inaalala yan... na sana nga, yung mga pinagbago ko ay totoo at hindi lang para ibaon yung insecurities ko... mahirap kasi na binabaon lang ang isang bagay - it finds a way of resurfacing... but thanks for the vote of confidence. yey! ;p

    ReplyDelete
  7. hi im new in your site.

    followed you na. Hope u'l follow me too :)

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  8. k PluripotentNurse: welcome to the blog and thank you. ;p

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  9. Remember: insecurities are deeply nestled within our lives, not others.It is intrinsic in nature.

    Insecurities are ghost, surely they are but you know what they say about ghosts...to see is to believe.

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  10. Guyrony: If so, then I should stop looking at mirrors. Hehehe. All is well, I have a very talented ghost buster that does all the exorcism needed... ;p

    ReplyDelete