The Trouble with Farmer Boy...

I don't know how to write this without sounding snob or too proud or villain-ish in a haciendera-owning-wide-brim-hat-wearing manner...

The trouble with Farmer Boy is that - well - ME makes more that he does. I don't make much compared to other consultants but compared to M - hay... So ano problema you say?

Of the times we went out, I had to vouch for both of us - movie tickets, dinners, cab rides... I'm turning to be  a sugar-daddy and I don't like it...

One-time I offered that we take the trike just to see if he offers to pay for it but he didn't. Tapos nag-rationalize ako - he did buy the morning pandesal so I guess yung reserved money nya for fare ay nagastos na kaya he didn't pay for the trike...

Lagi lang kaming nasa-bahay - ayokong mag-ayang lumabas na kasi alam ko, hindi ko aasahan si M  to shell out - he doesn't really even offer to pay half. 

Alam ko naman - hndi niya kaya kasing mag-offer. And I know din na nahihiya na lang sya kapag nasa counter na kami o pag dumating na yung bill tapos direcho na lang sa akin.

Pero I can't provide for both of us every time.

And I don't think M could find another job either - he's not exactly eligible for a white collar one.

I really don't know what I'm ranting about - I mean here's a genuinely good guy that strokes my hair until I fall asleep... That would wake me-up every 4 hours so I could take my meds... That makes me laugh...

Wala naman siguro problema - eh ako mas may kaya eh - ganun talaga siguro. M doesn't ask for anything, just to be clear, nor does he demand anything of me...

But I don't want to be the provider - is that bad?

Hindi na lang ata ako talaga nakuntento - laging may kulang na lang... Nakaka-inis.

I like M - I feel that he's a genuinely good guy. But I don't really feel comfortable being the provider. So where do we strike a balance?

I guess we'll just make do with simple dates - there's a lot of room to innovate naman di ba? And who says you need a mall for a date? Meron naman yung plaza or park ganyan tapos fish ball-fish ball na lang saka gulaman... Pwede na yun.

Hmmmm...

Here's to making-do with what you can.

My Farmer Boy...

M's a farmer - like the rest of his family and the generations before him, they have only known tilling land.

He said he was fortunate that he finished high school - but really, "ang plano lang talaga ng magulang ko ay magsaka ako hanggang sa mag-asawa at magpamilya na" M narrated.

Kaya lang naman ako nakapunta sa Maynila eh dahil sumama ako sa kaibigan ko - tumakas na lang ako kasi hindi naman papayag sila Nanay. Pero okay na kami ngayon, limang taon na din e. M continued.

I never doubted that he was.

His skin was sun kissed and tortured.

His palms were rough - like they've known hard labor forever.

And he had scars all over - from small cuts to deep ones.

When we were naked in bed, I started to trace my fingers from the scars in his hands, then to his arms, and then down to his chest.

Ang pangit, ang dami kong peklat. M

I just smiled.

Bawat isa nito, alam kong may kwento. ME

M just smiled but his eyes said otherwise.

-o0o-

I lived a secure life - no, we are not rich, but I did not have to do hard labor.

When I look at M, clothes and all, I could only see the sparkle and wander in his eyes and the light that his smile brings me...

A far cry from what his scars are trying to say.

-o0o-

Gusto kong malaman and bawat kwento ng isa. I said to M

Hindi magaganda, ikaw din. M said jokingly.

Wala naman kwentong-peklat na maganda e. I said

Hahaha - bago yun a: kwentong peklat. M said - and his face lit up again and seeing him, mine did too.

M has a hard exterior through and through but I know he is the gentlest of souls.

And again, for the first time, I wanted to care for someone.

Hindi na importante yung kwento, ang importante, lahat ng sugat na 'to ay naging daan pra sa sandaling ito - kasama ka. M

I wanted to comment on how good he is with weaving words pero I hesitated - I wanted to savor what he just said.

I touched the scar in his hand again and moved it to my lips.

-o0o-

Here's to those little moments that we live for.

Lovin' Feelin'...

Pwede pa pala akong kiligin.

Ayeeee!

-o0o-

We were lying on the couch, M was on top of ME, he kissed my forehead, then my nose and then my lips. His was the more gentle and softest of kisses.

He lifted his face, and gave that fall-for-me smile of his and started singing:

     Mahal kita, basta mahal kita.

     Iniisip nila ay hindi mahalaga.

He paused. Smiled. Kissed my lips again then continued:

     Mahal kita maging sino ka man.

For the first since HE, ME gave a genuine smile - like a kilig smile.

     ‘Wag kang mag-isip ng ano pa man

     Mga paliwanag mo’y di na kailangan

     At kahit ano pa ang iyong nakaraan

     Mamahalin kita maging sino ka man

M continued with the song and finished it. 

And all throughout the song M was looking at ME like he was trying to look for something.

May nahanap ka ba sa mga mata ko? ME said smiling when he finished the song.

Konti, pero parang ang dami pang kailangan mahanap. M replied.

Anong nahanap mo? ME

Nahanap ko na madali kang kiligin... Hahaha. M

Kapal! ME

M kissed ME again.

I like the song... ME said.

I like singing to you. M answered.

ME smiled again.

Thank you for the song - really. ME whispered.

Madami pa akong alam na kanta - if you'd let me. M whispered back

Eh di nag-smile na naman ako! Hahaha.

-o0o-

Jusko Lord! Ang tanda ko na para kiligin! Bwahahaha!

Pero kebs na lang! 

Here's to those few moments when you feel something good again.

Truth is...

I'm irreparable - you broke me so bad that its so hard for me to lose myself in love again...

Every date ends up with me so guarded and uptight that I can only apologize to the torture I have put my dates in...

Every show of sincerity is clouded by insecurities...

Every extra attention and soft caress becomes a simple call for s*x... (Not that I get a lot.)

Every "i miss yous" and "i am thinking of yous" becomes a joke...

And this whole dating bit has just become a chore.

Sometimes I feel like i'm only for intermittent and ephemeral affairs na lang... 

Sigh.

I'd like to hope that it will come (again) - that take-my-breath-away kind of loving but as of late, its so hard to come-by...

Nagmamadali lang siguro ako, kind of growing impatient because i'm not getting younger.

Bigla kong naiisip tuloy: is my happiness so dependent on being with someone? 

Parang nakarely kasi for the longest time kay HE ang kasiyahan ko na alam ko, nagyon lang, ay mali. Yeah, we should have at least happiness, independent from anyone's existence, to survive.

Jusko.

Here's to finding out what personal happiness do we have - independent of people and things.

Posible kaya?




PS: There's someone though who's been trying - being patient with me - and I can only hope he hangs on until I get myself together.

On Gay Men with Girlfriends...

Natural sa lalake ang mambababae - its in their genes. OWI

Hindi natural sa lalake ang mambabae kasi ang mga bakla nanlalake - hindi sila nambababae. SHA

Ah, parang yung BOYFREND MO?! OWI

The class was in a riot already.

OO - E ANO NGAYON? ANG ISSUE PAMBABABAE - HINDI PANLALALAKE! SHA

ME was shocked to have heard her confirmation.

-o0o-

Part of the requirements for my Logic Class is a classroom debate. Our elimination rounds was on the issue:

           Anong mas masarap: spaghetti na may plema o spaghetti na may kulangot?

I know right?

From there we moved into the Semis which had the topic on:

          Natural sa lalake ang pambababae.

Which resulted to a very animated and intense argumentation.

-o0o-

You okay? ME approached SHA after the debate

San sir? SHA

Kanina? ME

Ah, okay naman Sir. Bakit po? SHA

ME was silent.

Si MAK sir, boyfriend ko. SHA

MAK is gay - he's-so-gay-he-sweats-glitter ganyan. 

ME didn't know what to say.

Alam ko naman sir. Okay lang sa akin. Naiintindihan ko ang preferences nya. SHA

ME was still silent.

We have a connection sir e - hindi din namin maintindihang dalawa - pero we get each other. Yung no need for words. SHA

Anong set-up nyo? ME

BF-GF sir - the usual. Hindi ko din naman sya prine-pressure na mag-astang lalake. Komportable din naman ako sa softness nya at ayaw ko din naman siyang baguhin. SHA

Ang hirap lang sir sa mga kaibigan kasi yung tulad kanina, lagi mong ipagtatanggol - kasi nga naman its not your usual relationship. Hindi naman lahat din maiintidihan kung anong meron kami. Hindi ako tanga sir, alam kong nagkakagusto pa din siya sa lalaki - pero I embrace that, e sa mapagmahal boyfriend ko e. Hehehe. SHA continued

What does MAK say? ME

Laging nagtatanong sir - bakit daw siya? Pwede namang friends lang kami ng bongga ganyan. SHA

Ano sabi mo? ME

Yung totoo sir: na ayaw kong friends lang kami. Willing naman si MAK to explore it sir e - okay na yun sa akin. Ikaw sir, what do you think? SHA

Ngek, hindi naman na yun importante SHA. Ang importante yung kung ano ang usapan niyong dalawa lang ni MAK - kayo naman ang nasa relasyong yan. At isa pa, mukha namang klaro sa'yo ang sitwasyon. ME

SHA started to tear up.

Mahal ko yung baklang yun sir e - kung minsan ayaw ko pero mahal ko talaga e. SHA

ME don't do handkerchiefs, so ME couldn't offer SHA anything. 

Look. ME started. Loving, more than being loved, is a gift. Napaka-swerte mo SHA kasi you're capable of that. So don't cry - dapat nagse-celebrate ka! ME

SHA smiled. Then she hugged ME.

-o0o-

Truth is, ME's first reaction was: Ano ba yan! Karnehan!

But after hearing from SHA, ME realized there are still kinds of love that ME don't know and while it may be hard to process it on the onset, what ME could at least do is to respect it.

Here's to loving whoever - whenever.

At the Losing End...

*This is an extract from my conversations with Dok. Dok has been a long-time friend but its only quite recently again that we have had the chances to talk about our lives in general.

-o0o-

Love, like most sport, is a game. And in any game someone always takes the first place and the second. And in cases where there's a tie or a draw - a rematch must be had.

Here's how'd you know if you're at the loosing end:

1. You wake up ahead of his "good morning" texts. And you get paranoid when its 8 AM already and no text still. Not too mention, you over-analyze when that text arrives at 7 AM instead of the usual 6 AM.

2. You have the last text in a conversation.

3. He doesn't throw your questions back.

4. You try to make a conversation just out of an "okay" reply.

5. Your gifts are well-thought of. His' however, even have the price tag on and the dedication card is not even signed.

6. You believe everything he says:

                       "Oh, ang bilis nmn maubos ng lube mo" ME

                       "Konti lang naman talaga laman niyan" Him

7. You backtrack your conversation because suddenly he fails to call you "mahal ko" or "kaloy ko" or "mahal kong kaloy." Sa isip mo, ikaw yung may maling nagawa lagi.

Now that you know - would you still fight for it? Would you fight a battle that you'd know you'd lose?

I know I am.

Like I know I'll always be at the losing end.

Pity party galore!

LOL!

And here's the perfect song to cap it off:


     So don't say you're sorry
    You've only this much love to give
    You see, however much love's enough for me

-o0o-

PS: Gawd! I'm still ranting about same old problems, same old insecurities and the same old paranoia. When will this end? Kalowka!

Profiling ME...

Suddenly, a vision of ME flashed before my eyes.

Do I want this? 

This no-attachment-whatever-aside-from-the-physical kind of set up.

Will I allow myself to be used?

-o0o-

He was late on the first day and since all seats were already taken at the back, he had no choice but to sit in front.

He was cute - really cute and I knew then of another reason why I would specially attend to this class.

Sir, sorry po kanina. 12-000002 said when he approached me after class.

Sorry saan? ME

Sa pagiging late po. Tapos sa harap pa po ako umupo. 12-000002

Ah, well, don't do it again. Make sure lang 'di kita maunahan. ME

Okay po Sir. Thank you po. 12-000002

No prob - bawi ka na lang. ME

-o0o-

Sir, paano po ako makakabawi? 12-000002 messaged in FB 

ME was in one of the more boring meetings.

Bawi saan? ME

Sa pagiging late ko po lagi. 12-000002 

Late din naman ako lagi sa class nyo, ang aga kasi. ME

Eh Sir buti sana kung nauunahan kita. 12-000002 

Hmmmm - sige, do you want to attend na lang my PM classes? ME offered

Eh Sir may class po kami 'gang 5PM po. 12-000002 

Hmmmm - my class ako ng 5PM pa. ME

Eh Sir may church practice po nun. 12-000002 

Puwes, agahan mo na lang tlga. Hehe. ME

Hehehe, Okay po Sir. Thank you po. 12-000002 

ME didn't reply after that.

Sir, my pasok po ba sa Sabado? 12-000002  messaged again.

Yup. Bakit? ME

Eh Sir, birthday ko po sa sabado. 12-000002 

Ah talaga - happy birthday advance! ME

Thank you po Sir. Gift ko po? Hehehe. 12-000002 

Something suddenly lit - a light bulb I think.

He was cute. ME pursued.

What do you want? ME

Joke lang po Sir. Nakakahiya po. 12-000002 

Hindi nga - you asked me e - mapapahiya ako niyan. ME

Kayo po bahala Sir. kahit ano namin po pwede. 12-000002 

Sige - I'll treat you dinner na lang. ME

Luto ka sir? 12-000002

Nakow - wala akong alam sa pagluluto. ME

Hahaha. Ganun ba sir? Ako na lang po - palengke tayo. 12-000002

Ngek - birthday mo tapos ikaw pa pagtratrabahuin ko? ME

Okay lang sa akin sir - basta sagot nyo pampalengke. Hehe. 12-000002

Oo naman! ME

-o0o-

Tinola na lang tayo sir a. 12-000002 said - we were in the supermarket.

Sure - okay yan, sabaw. ME

At akala ko ba isasama mo barkada mo sa school? ME continued

Magugulo yung mga yun sir - nakita nyo naman sa class. 12-000002

ME really enjoyed goofing off at the supermarket and ME enjoyed more the cooking demo 12-000002  did at home.

-o0o-

Pwede mo nang palitan si Chef Logro. ME said after dinner while eating the slices of cake we bought - one lemon, one chocolate and a mango torte.

Haha. Salamat sir. 12-000002

12-000002  then stood up, went to get two glasses of water, he then sat beside me, gave me the glass and gave me the sweetest of smile and then kissed my cheeks.

Thanks sir. 12-000002

ME was stunned.

ME smiled, stood up and got another glass of water.

When ME turned around, 12-000002  was behind ME.

Paano ako babawi sayo sir? 12-000002  asked. He was holding my hip.

Gawd! My body wanted to move towards him but alas ME said:

Upo ka muna.

12-000002  sat on the couch and ME sat on the opposite couch.

Look - your a sweet kid. ME started. Pero you're in my class at hindi ko kayang abusuhin yun. ME finished.

Wala naman makaka-alam sir e. 12-000002  defended

Ako - alam ko. ME rebutted

Ayaw mo ba sa akin? 12-000002

ME liked him. A lot. ME think 12-000002  knows that too.

Alam mo sagot diyan. ME said.

Pero? 12-000002

Pero, its inappropriate. ME

Eh bakit mo pa ako ininvite sa bahay mo? 12-000002

ME smiled.

I shouldn't have. ME said

-o0o-

I'm not a predator - that's not my profile. And I don't think I want to be that.

While I know a number who are (not just in school but at work) - I think I can sleep better at night knowing I have not used my position to my advantage.

Besides, I'm not one to handle a scandal.

It was wrong I invited him or pursued his flirting.

It was wrong that there was dinner.

I just wish I could have reflected on this prior.

So here's to self restraint, making responsible decisions, scaring yourself with a potential scandal and stopping while you can.