Wednesday, August 14, 2013

On Farmer Boy...

M has been my rock and my wind and my water and my fire all at same time.

He has been very patient with me through and through.

He does not question the unanswered "I love yous" nor does he pressure me to give one.

There is some stoicism with M on how he makes himself be "there" - always present for me.

He's always there doing them little stuff like helping with the laundry and buying the earliest pandesal and waiting for me to finish my class and holding my bag and test papers and my hand...

M has been my sanity.

-o0o-

Sunday night, we were drinking gin mixed in green apple juice.

Hindi mo pa ako mahal. Naramramdaman ko yun. M said

I was stunned.

It was the truth.

Tumitingin ka pa din sa ibang lalaki kapag nasa mall tayo. Alam ko din my tinetex ka pa ding iba. M continued.

Pinagdasal kita sa Baclaran. Hiniling ko na sana ito na 'to pero nahihirapan ako kasi ako mahal kita - ako hindi mo mahal. M was sobbing now.

Hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko kung mawawala ka. M managed to continue.

I held his face on my palms.

Hindi ako mawawala. I started.

Pero hihilingin ko sayo na habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa akin. Hindi madaling magmahal at ayaw ko nang maramdaman yung sakit na gaya dati kasi hindi ko na kaya talaga. I continued.

M just nodded.

Kaya ko gustong umiinom tayo lagi kasi nasasabi ko 'to sayo lahat. M

Kaya pa ba? I asked

Yung alak o yung pagpapasensya? M answered

Yung sa alak, alam kong kaya mo pa. I said

Hindi ako bibitiw. Kahit na bumitiw ka. Saka pasensyoso talaga ako. M said.

I kissed him and in that moment I wanted to love him like what he deserves.

26 comments:

  1. Sana hindi ka mahuli. Bihira lang ang kagaya niya.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i wan to be fair JM.

      but i'm trying very hard to deserve M.

      Delete
  2. i agree with JM.

    mas mahirap pag ikaw na ang naghahabol.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know it isn't easy but I think it's also important to be fair. Maybe you can give a deadline to yourself and if by that time; you still don't feel the same way, maybe it's best to let him go.

    At sino ang ka text mong ibaaaaaa????? Ikaw haaaaaaaa

    K

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel something K for M, i really do - but not as strong as his. I am hoping in time I can match him.

      Nothing serious yung texts - mga umaaligid lang na pasts...

      Thank you K.

      :)

      Delete
  4. wow kaloy haba ng hair mo ah... hehehe...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hay, I feel you. I know where you are coming from.

    They say every thing has an end, would you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't want to think of the end for now Guyrony. Hehe.

      All this for a reason - i just need to realize what.

      Delete
  6. awww... pakiaalagaan po siya... :< hihi :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Natutuhan din ang magmahal...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oo - if i could take advance classes, i would.

      :)

      Delete
  8. Ang pagmamahal, natututunan yan, lalo na kung patuloy nyang pinapadama sa yo kung gano ka nya kamahal. Pero dapat may willingness din on your part na matutong magmahal at magtiwalang muli. Let go of the past, and let go of your old self and let this be what it could be: the best thing that you could ever have:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Salamat Weng - i want to, i really do - but it'll take some more time...

      Thank you.

      Delete
  9. hi K!

    naluha ako ng mga 3 drops sa left eye ko sa entry na to. hahaha.

    JP Dee

    ReplyDelete
  10. why not loosen up a bit...give the guy a chance...if he's as serious as he seems in your story, then maybem just maybe he's the answer to your prayers..

    you're one lucky biatch...me so jelly

    but seriously..it's always hard but give it a special thought...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i am giving it a lot of special thought...

      and yes, i will loosen up.

      thank you!

      Delete
  11. I can feel you. Hirap talaga ibalik yung dati kapag natrauma ka na. But I can also say that it feels so good to finally let go. In the right time. Your time. 'Wag mo rin i-rush maging ready dahil sa pressure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Salamat Blakrabit.

      Yes, yes - in the right time. And i';m hoping when that comes - it'll be greater than fireworks.

      Delete
  12. may friend ako, matagal niya bago na realize na mahal pala nya yung parang si M, kaso too late

    ReplyDelete