The Good Things...

Why'd you hold on for so long? ME asked Mama

Mahal ko e - what other reason do we have? Mama

ME am home for the long weekend to visit our dead and the living too - I guess.

Ganun ka-simple? Hindi ka ba nababaliw kaka-isip? ME

Kaka-isip sa? Mama asked while getting canned tuna from the grocery we were in.

When dad goes out for days or comes home late or when his excuses are not logical? ME answered

Where is this coming from - your questions? Mama

Uhmmm - from ME? They're coming from ME? ME joked

Boy trouble e? Mama

ME just smiled.

I got used to my doubts. Ganun lang yun - I learned to live with them and just focused on the good things. Mama said

Look, don't make your own ghosts son. Mama added when ME did not reply. And those doubts - they're gonna eat you alive like parasites do. So save yourself the trouble and just think of the good things. 

Like what good things? ME finally said

Like he comes home to me despite. Mama started

Like the "good mornings," "good nights," and "have-you-eatens." ME added

Like the way he provides for you and our family. Mama

Like the time he always gives despite. ME

Like the fact that you have legitimate status. Mama

Like the way he attempts to make a valid excuse. ME

Mama and ME giggled a little on the last one.

There - go back to those things when you're not sure. And I know there's a lot more. Mama reiterated

I will Ma. ME answered back.

Okay. Now pay for our grocery. Mama demanded.

Ah, yun na pala role ko. ME laughed.

You are going to be ok. Mama looked straight into ME and concluded.

I know - anjan ka e. ME finished.

Mama squeezed my hand.

Home is really something...

Holding on...

It's getting worse. ME can't think of anything else but HE's possible indiscretion with J. Saw J post this:

'Masakit tawaging kabit! But is it my fault if he likes me? Siguro, he's happier with me - hindi naman siya maghahanap kung talagang mahal ka niya!'

ME never called J 'kabit' but with HE's apparent admission that HE's with ME (and J knows that) ME can't help but think something-something is going on - again. Even more, the post preceded a picture of a condom.


Bastos siya! P*&^%$%# niya - BASTOS SIYA!


ME wanted to confront HE again: Did you have s*x with J?  ME started to SMS.

But ME didn't send it - ME promised HE to try not being paranoid.

ME's affording him all the benefits of a doubt.

But ME needed release and drafted a tweet: P*&^%$@#!+ mga kabit kayo! 

ME stopped.

Read the tweet again.

Sh*t, ME's part of that group.

What right do ME have to judge J when ME is exactly like him.

ME do not understand what or how to feel anymore.

Is this really the price ME have to pay for all of this?

Double sh*t.

But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:

1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
2. Martyrdom.

And it is clear as well what ME is going to choose.

Triple Sh*t.

 I need SHE.

I need my mom.

And I need HE most.

Sh*t infinity.

Duda...

Its either I'm paranoid or I'm insecure.

-o0o-

ME can't help but stalk J - if there's even a hint that HE is still communicating with him.

The other day, I found a post similar to what J posted when ME messaged him to talk about HE last year before the confrontation: Hindi ako nakikipagkumpetensiya sa'yo. Insecure ka lang - kawawa ka naman, walang gamot diyan.

ME froze.

Then ME called HE - twice and it were all unanswered.

ME texted: Why are you not answering my calls?

After two hours, HE replied: Nag-gym ako.

HE called.

Paranoid ka na naman. HE

What is it this time. HE continued.

J - you still communicate? ME

No. Galit yun sa akin. HE

Okay. ME

I'm really also trying very hard to not get paranoid, so give me time too. ME  added.

What do I have to do? HE

I need you to constantly assure me that I should not be paranoid or get doubts. ME

Done. At 'wag masyadong paranoid - hindi healthy. HE

Wen. ME said

-o0o-

ME is insecure. J is really guwapo and ME's pretty sure there's a little more something-something J can do in bed - HE would not consider (to the least) a physical relationship with him if not.

Ano bang gamot sa insecurity? Ay oo nga, wala nga daw sabi ni J.

Sh*t.

So this is how it feels to have a constant cloud of doubt on your head.

ME's really trying hard to fight them. But at times, it just gets really strong that you're convinced that something is wrong and that your doubts - your gut feelings - are right.

ME guess ME just have to try harder.

But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.


Sigh.

-o0o-

The next day, HE changed his profile picture.

And every time ME's in doubt, ME looks at the profile picture.

Here's to facing our own insecurities and other ghosts.

Of Choosing...

HE chose.

HE chose ME.

HE chose US.

-o0o-

You're not going out? ME asked HE

Its was 'that' day and HE should be with J.

HE smiled.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be. HE said

What about J? Is he sick? ME said

Hindi naman. HE said

ME looked at HE without saying a word.

I'm going to work hard to deserve you again. HE said suddenly

My face was blank but what HE said meant the world to ME.

And J? ME can't help but ask.

No relationship beyond physical. And I can work on that if you don't want to. HE said.

I don't want to. ME said outright.

J is different as HE considered a relationship with him so ME don't want HE with him even on a physical level - that's ME marking my territory.

Okay. HE said simply. Now cook me some bacon please. HE added.

ME smiled.

ME's heart did cartwheels.

Thank you. ME mouthed to HE.

I love you. HE mouthed back.

-o0o-

Here's to never loosing faith and fighting for your heart's desire.