Of Resetting...

2018 started with zero.

I practically have nothing.

And I need to start from scratch.

It's scary for me and I've been thinking - feeling - about it the few days leading to the New Year.

Several realizations came to heart and mind:

1. When you have family - you have everything. I know this in my mind. Now I know it in my heart and my being. When I was at my lowest the whole year last year, my Mamma had one thing to say: "Come home son." And it was all you really needed to hear at that moment.

2. You eventually get to see the people who are there for you when you have nothing. Friends have been paying for my rent, my credits and my other bills. They have been feeding me and buying me stuff (I need and not need just because). They have been booking (and paying) for my Uber rides because my fare wasn't enough. These are just the mundane stuff - the emotional support they have given me throughout last year made the burden a lot lighter.

3. Social Media gives a a false sense of "presence" and a shallow feeling of "belonging-ness." The number of likes, of comments, or of views does not help you in real life - it just fuels an empty bubble that bursts into anxieties and frustrations. So I'm off all social media. I can live without it.

4. Everything is an opportunity. We were attending the 6PM Sunday Service before the Christmas Eve Mass (because nobody wanted to commit to go to the 10PM Mass) and it just hit ME in Church. But just to be clear, I'm never really a religious person - I like to think that I'm more spiritual. So there, kneeling after receiving Communion,  beside my family, I prayed: "Thank you for this pain and this suffering. Because now, I have the opportunity to heal. And this healing is a miracle that not everybody get to experience." I cried in Church for the first time (not counting funerals). From then on, I didn't feel bad about the situation, I felt a sense of privilege that I will get to be healed.

I seldom talk about belief here because, from my background, there can never be an argument on belief - it's the weakest argument. But I guess, Blaise Pascal had some sense when he said: "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

5. Answered prayers do not always come in pretty wrappers and fancy ribbons. This I learned from a colleague. I have always prayed to be able to reset everything and start all over again. And I just realized that the situation I'm in now is exactly what I prayed for. Not what I expected in my mind but nonetheless, something workable. It's not what I WANT, but in direly NEED of - that makes a lot of difference in so many angles.

So yeah, that's me preaching right there. Ima take you to Church sistah for the year! Amen!

Hahahaha! Sorry na agad.

Cheers to an abundant 2018!