Dear 2017...

You've been really tough on me.

I have passed the point of questioning why, of all the people, would it all fall on me - fast and one after another.

I lost mobility for three months because of an awful accident.

I lost a job.

I lost M.

I've been fending for my life for the last three months trying to make ends meet. And accruing credit after credit after credit. I'm practically in deep debt shit.

I know I've been making bad decisions.

Unsound ones.

I know I've been making unsustainable choices.

Decisions I don't want to regret - but starting to.

You've given me the worst I have ever had.

And I find it really hard to pick myself up - there's just too much of a mess of everything.

I'm just really ready to give up.


Yours,

K

--------------
UPDATE 1 (21 Dec. 2017)

I forget sometimes that this is a public blog. Most of the time, when I write here, I just really want a release and to remember key moments in my heart and mind.

So for you, who reads this, thank you for the silent company. We are kindred spirits.

How To Break...

"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.

"Why would it forget?" Mama

We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.

"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME

"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama

"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME

"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama

"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME

"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama

I gave a faint smile.

"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama

"But not love him." ME

"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama

Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.




P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.

Bagets 101...

Remember R?

Well we got into talking over dinner the other day and I asked him how he and B2 lasted that long.

He was quick to qualify what “last” means - it means intermittently seeing each other over a number of years. No relationships. Some expectations. Always bounded by rules.

So I asked him, what exactly are these rules anyway? So here’s a run-down of the things to remember when dealing with bagets. Paraphrased as I remember it.

0. Bagets should not be a minor.

1. You are not the girlfriend. You are not a girl. Period. So you have no business where he’s been or what he’s doing. Huwag kang needy bakla.

2.  Wala ka din dapat paki-alam kung my keme siyang ibang (mga) bakla. Kaya play safe lang lage kasi you don’t know where that’s been.

3. Kung free siya, hindi ka free - no pressure. And vice-versa. And you do not wait for him - if he says he’s coming by 9 PM and he comes in late, do not nag.

4. Trust should never be present (not the condom – although yes, the condom too). Always be on guard on your things.

5. Never dole out without anything in return. Dapat laging may kapalit. Kasi kapag nalaman niyang pwede naman pala yun - lagot ka na.

6.  You should have no care if he takes a private call when you’re together.

7. Do not be social media friends.

8. Ang toka mo lang dapat siya - hindi yung girlfriend niya, anak niya, magulang o mga kapatid niya o yung basketball team nila. Hindi dapat package deal.

Being the frustrated lawyer that he is, he said those 8 rules are GENERAL rules, there is an exemption. 

R says that you will be able to FEEL sincerity, honesty and goodness. Hindi yung binobola ka na lang niya. There will be instances where bagets will prove this. But do not mistake it daw as love. If you feel in your heart that he is true, then give a little trust - this little trust will make the “intermittent seeing each other” last longer.

I gotta love the wisdom of my friends. LOL!

The 3 Loves of Your Life...

Often, we read that we all only have three great loves in our lifetime.

I think I had those three.

The first one, lives up to the craziness of what you see in movies and read in stories. Its the butterfly-in-your-stomach kind of love. But it also makes you a psychotic b*tch because you can’t really edit the bad stuff in real life can you?  It basically destroys all ideas you have on what love and relationships are. You learn from this kind of love and this sets the standard for you.

The second one, learning from the first, is more calculated. You come to think of it as a game: you can’t give more than what he does. Because you don’t want to lose as much as you did the first time.This is selfish and unfair and it makes you bad. And it’s going to be too late when you realise this and you end up losing more anyway.

The third one is unexpected. He is the complete opposite of everything you are. And you bask at how comforting it is to find someone totally different from you but gives you security and waits for you. You fight for this love. You are humbled by this love. But then, you find out, neither of you is growing - going nowhere. And that you can’t really depend on each other, which, is the whole point.

Those are my three.

What they don’t tell us is that the third one may not even last at all. That in the end, you end up alone - single like when you started.

It got me thinking: is three all we ever get?

And if the third doesn’t  work out what are you left with?

Baka yun na yon. You only get three and if none of it work, waley na.

Parang okay na din ako dun - okay na yung tatlo. Hindi na din naman kaya ng puso at isip ko pa.

Siguro nga, I’m destined to live my life alone. And it ain’t so bad - I hope. Empowered naman ako. Highly independent. Kaya ko. 

LOL.

Pero yeah, I’m done with the whole relationship thing.

Okay na din naman ako.

Quota na.