"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.
"Why would it forget?" Mama
We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.
"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME
"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama
"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME
"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama
"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME
"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama
I gave a faint smile.
"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama
"But not love him." ME
"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama
Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.
P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.