Never Again...

No, you will not hurt me again.

I promise ME that this will be the last time I'll ever feel this kind of pain from you.

Never again.

Sad...

It's the internal struggle that's the hardest.

You fight your heart - you fight your mind.

And it drains you completely.

I will be lying if I said I know what should be done or what's best for ME.

What I do know is all these thoughts - all these feelings are killing the best of me.

Truth is, I'm scared that something like HE and ME will never happen again in my life.

That I feel that it was all my fault - why HE left - why HE looked for someone else.

And that I know that my heart will hurt again twice as much but I can handle it.

But I also know that trust will be absent.

What I need and what I want are analogous at this point.

So I'll just be still - stagnant.

And I'll trust that after all the rain, there will be clearer skies and I can look up again and get blinded by so much light that it illuminates me.

This song perfectly relays whatever it is I cannot say:

Man, it's been a long night

Just sitting here, trying not to look back

Still looking at the road we never drove on

And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

Here's to looking forward to basking in sunlight again.

Why on a Monday?

And just like that, all my attempts of moving forward crumbled.

I know myself, I know what my deep-seated hopes are and I know too that I was just waiting for HE's first move.

I'm sorry.

Hay - and why all this on Monday?

Naku naman talaga...

Bawi-bawi Lang...

I woke up to the sound of water squishing and an open faucet last Sunday. I went straight to the bathroom and found this:

Farmer Boy was doing my laundry and with so much gusto I might add. I felt like my clothes are being ripped to pieces with how hard he squeezes them. It was sexy so I took a photo.

O, nagising kita. Matulog ka lang muna. M said when saw me finally.

Ano yang ginagawa mo? ME

Nagluluto. M

Adik ka. Ibig kong sabihin - bakit mo nilalabahan yan. Ako dapat gumagawa niyan. ME

M just smiled.

Tama na yan, ako na yan mamaya. ME

Huling banlaw na 'to. Timpla ka na lang ng kape natin sakto pagkatapos nito. M said.

I just stood at the bathroom door.

O, huwag mong sabihin nahihiya ka pa. Nak*ntot na kita at lahat mahihiya ka pa sakin. M joked.

E, nakakahiya naman kasi talaga. Gamit ko yan, dapat ako gumagawa niyan. ME

Konti lang naman. Sige na, pagbigyan mo na ako dito. M

I pouted then went to make coffee.

-o0o-

Hindi mo kailangan gawin yun. ME said. 

We were on the sofa already, M was done with the laundry and I was done hanging them.

Alam ko. M

E bakit mo pa din ginawa? ME

M just smiled again.

I didn't push it as he was already enjoying watching Erik Santos singing on ASAP plus he'll just answer with a smile again.

Ganito siguro siya bumawi - sa mga pagkukulang niya sa ibang bagay. I thought

Tapos na-isip ko, pinaparamdam ko kasi na may pagkukulang siya. Hindi naman maiisip ni M yun kung hindi ko pinaparamdam sa kanya. Masama din talaga ako.

I should not make anybody feel insufficient because I know how it feels. I'm lucky that someone would do my laundry for me - M's not the first to do it for ME - but the initiative is very much appreciated.

I was looking at the TV and said to M: Alam mo, hndi mo kailangan bumawi sa akin. Huwag na huwag mong iisipin na kailangan mong maglaba o maglinis o ma-utusan. Kung may dapat gawin - gagawin nating pareho, sabay at magkatulong. 

M did not reply.

I looked at M and...

He was asleep.

LOL!

Oh well.

Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.