NOT Lawyer-ish enough...

I am not becoming a lawyer.

When that dawned to me, i quit.

It was finals week, just a week more to go and i'm done for the sem...

But the rebel in me decided not to bother with the finals.

I didn't attend any of my scheduled exams.

Nada.

I figured what's the use?

HE is still not talking to me for it.

-o0o-

You see, i have this picture of me in an Armani skinny suit and an LV damier graphite bag going into a courtroom and kicking me some criminal ass...

But when I was actually in school, the image faded into just the suit and the bag...

I figured i can always wear the suit and the bag even if i were not a lawyer.

Ang babaw lang di ba?

Pero this is the honest-to-goodness truth: i, after two years worth of law units, is not after all, lawyer material...

-o0o-

Masyado ko sigurong na-brain wash yung sarili ko na the only way i could assert myself was when i am a lawyer...

Na my life would only be fabulous if i were a lawyer...

And that, it would be okay to be gay basta abogado ako...

Hindi pala.

I was miserable in school.

Its not the work needed to be done to prepare for class - wala akong problema sa subjects ko...

Its just that i don't have that passion anymore...

Siguro na-in love lang ako sa konsepto...

-o0o-

Now i have to start over...

Pero this time i won't prescribe myself an image...

I'll just see where the tides lead me to.

-o0o-

I know HE's supportive of this - nag-iinarte lang kasi hindi na naman siya na-consult...

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na it was a personal decision pero i know sasampolan lang niya ako ng: Personal? May ganyanan na? When did each of us have something personal?

-o0o-

Here goes another attempt to live...

An Introduction to a S*xually Free Marriage...

I was in Cubao Expo last night and found a book.

The Complete Handbook for A Sexually Free Marriage
by John and Mimi Lobell


What? Seryoso NO S*X?! sabi ko sa isip nung una. But having gone through the table of contents and the first chapters, HO MAY GAWD! na lang nasambit ko.

Simple lang ang sinasabi ng libro: It's okay to have sex outside your marriage so long as there is a need and that you and your spouse have talked and agreed on it.

Here are some of the excerpts.

Of course, there are many ways to have a happy marriage. Far too often, though, sexual monogamy is assumed to be an inviolable prerequisite. It isn't... In fact, sexual monogamy can become a fetishistic bondage, a modern-day chastity belt that prevents partners in a marriage from being friends with each other and from developing as individuals. Illicit sex is the traditional way out of such marriages: secret affairs, furtive lunch hours in hotels, lying about working late, and so on.


Sex was to be done in the dark... Anything else was prurient, hedonistic, depraved, satanic lust! The idea that a person can and should limit his or her sexual expression to one other partner for an entire lifetime will soon seem equally ridiculous.


People have always had sex outside of marriage. Adultery has been around for as long as marriage. The differences we are proposing are that (1) there is nothing wrong with it, and (2) in a loving and workable marriage between equals, the spouses can also be honest with each other about it.


And oh, the book was published 1975.

And oh-oh, the authors are married with no children.

PS. Not done with the book but i find it very provocative. Hehehe.

Going Bulilit...

Where do you want us to go? HE

Ano? ME

Saan mo tayo gusto pumunta? Tinagalog na NYA - masama na ito.

Can we just be where we are? ME

No, HE and ME were not talking about where to eat.

-o0o-

ME was attempting to cook adobo and HE was attempting to peel potatoes.

Naalala mo si Manang Minda? HE washing the potatoes

Hindi. Bakit? ME sauteing garlic and pork

Siya yung binilhan natin ng brownies nung pasko. HE now peeling

Ah - yung maintainance nyo? ME pouring toyo and suka

Oo, yung may walong anak. HE still peeling

O bakit si Manang? ME putting the lid on the casserole

Buntis na naman kasi. HE

Ah - puwes alam ko na regalo natin sa kanya next Christmas! ME

Condom? HE now slicing the potatoes

Hindi. TV para may iba silang libanagan. Hehehe. ME putting whole pepper seeds into the pot.

Sanadali, ME again, eh ano naman ngayon kung buntis? Ikaw ba nakabuntis?


Gago. Hindi. HE

Ano nga? ME

Binibigay nya yung magiging anak nya sa atin. HE

I tuned the stove off. I was stunned.

Ano yun? Tuta lang? ME

Hindi, syempre tinanong nya ako. Kaysa daw sa ampunan, at least kung ibibigay nya sa kilala niya, mas mapapanatag daw sya. HE - casual lang siya parang nag-uusap lng kami ng grocery list

Ano sabi mo? ME

Sabi ko salamat dahil kinonsider nya akong mabuting ama. Tapos sabi ko pag-iisipan pa - tatlong buwan pa lang naman siya. HE

Ano sabi ni SHE? ME

Hindi ko pa sinabi kay SHE, sayo ko sana gustong i-open yung possibility. HE

Sa aso nga ayaw ko, sa bata pa kaya? ME

Iba naman yung aso. HE

Talagang iba. Just think, a child - a real child sa bahay natin. How will we raise a child sa set-up na ito? Lalaki lang yung batang sobrang deconstructed ang tignin sa pamilya. ME

Isn't that a good thing? HE

No, its not. Its hard enough as it is to be gay. But to grow-up with gay parents? It's not me I'm worried about, its the kid. I wouldn't want him or her to go through an even greater pain than what i've gone thru. ME all fired up

Wala lang, I just thought we could have a chance at a family. HE

My heart broke. Tatanga-tanga din kasi ako kung minsan talaga and 'insensitive' would be a kind word to use. I have, in front of me, a man who actually wants to have a family with me (kids and all) and look at what i'm doing?

Hey, YOU are my family. ME lifting his chin towards me. I'm not promising to reconsider but right now is not the best time or will the next six months be.You know i'm back in school and i'm failing 80% of my subjects already so i don't exactly have the greatest confidence right now for anything - more for rearing a child. ME

Where do you want us to go? HE

...

-o0o-

Ang saya siguro - may bulilit kami ni HE na kahit hindi galing sa aming dalawa ay sigurado namang mamahalin namin ng parang amin siya.

I admit, the thought excites me. But more than the excitement, is fear - HE and ME can very well provide para sa bulilit and we might even have extra. Kung care at love din lang of a family, we can provide the minimum. But then, we cannot protect the bulilit forever, eventually, lalabas yan sa pugad at pag nakita nya ang mundo, magtatanong na yan. Ano sasabihin namin pag naghanap ng nanay? Kapag nalaman nyang bakla kami? Kung lalaki siya - baka maging bakla din siya (not that i'm against it - bongga pag ganun!- pero you know what i mean, i would feel an ounce of guilt for pushing him to be gay)...

Gusto kong isipin na yung pagmamahal namin ni HE para sa bulilit ay magiging sapat para maging ok siya. pero hindi e - alam kong hindi. At oo, yung fears that i'm feeling are more for ME than for the bulilit. Takot ako. Takot ako to be completely responsible for a life.

There's a lot of stuff i think i can't do but when i actually have the courage to do, I do it well.

This is not one of those things.