Ako Un...

Ako yung batang laging nasa honor roll para lang mapakita sa lahat na kahit malamya ako, matalino naman...

Ako yung batang laging leader sa class para lang ma-assert ko yung sarili ko sa ibang lalaki...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-CR kapag lunch kasi ang daming lalaki sa banyo...

Ako yung batang kahit pawisan na after PE ay maghahanap ng tagong lugar para makapagpalit...

Ako yung batang ayaw mag-sando...

Ako yung batang sobrang takot kapag boys scout jamboree kasi hindi niya kasama mga babaeng niyang kaibigan...

Ako yung batang inaasar ng ibang tatay na 'x-men'...

Ako yung batang pilit binibilhan ng basketball, baseball, soccer at sipa ng tatay para ma-enganyong maglaro...

-o0o-

Nung tinutubuan na ako ng buhok sa kili-kili...

Ako pa rin yung batang yun - walang nagbago, nadagdagan pa nga...

Ako yung tumakbong school president na natalo dahil yung kalaban niya sobrang gwapo...

Ako yung emcee nung prom para may excuse akong di makipagsayawan...

Ako yung pinapaharap ng mga kaibigan sa magulang kung kailangan magpaalam na pupunta sa kung saan...

Ako yung nagde-decide ng isusuot ng mama ko kapag magpi-pin na siya ng ribbon pag commencement...

-o0o-

Nung college na ako. Ganun pa din - the same kid and the same adolescent just a little taller...

Ako yung nasa all-boys dorm na umuuwi lang pag kailangan matulog...

Ako yung naliligo ng sobrang aga or sobrang late para lang hindi makasabay ang iba...

Ako yung nakokontento nang may-crush lang...

Ako yung grumaduate ng virgin...

-o0o-

Nung mejo naglibog...

Ako yung my mottong: Win them with my wits first baka they would see past the face...

Ako yung bigla na lang mag-o-offline kapag hinihingi na face pic...

Ako yung pine-permanently appear offline kapag nakita na face pic...

Ako yung nagi-iscarf at nagbo-bowtie sa office para lang may mapansin silang iba...

Ako yung pang-kaibigan lang talaga...

Ako yung nakakatawa...

Ako yung tinatawagan pag gustong matawa...

-o0o-

Ang drama.

Shet.

Pero someone reminded me today of how insecure I still am.

Na beneath the confidence that I carry when I lecture in my classes or when I recite in school or when I present a proposal at work, ako pa rin yung batang matalino lang, na magaling lang magcolor coordination, na mabuting kaibigan lang...

Insecurity is like a ghost that haunts you. It creeps up inside you when your defenses are down.

Tapos na-isip ko si HE.

Bakit ganun? With HE's efforts to make me feel like i'm the only girl in the world, este secure, hindi pa rin mawala-wala yung prehistoric na insecurities ko...

Alam ko, hindi dapat i-asa sa iba ang pagkawala ng sumpa...

Nakaka-inis lang kasi na marealize mong akala mo nag-progress ka na pero sa isang iglap, you cascade (in a non-fashionable manner...) about 2 decades back...

'Dang insecurities!

Attachments...

What if SHE and I get annulled? HE

The marriage you mean? ME pretending that the question was no more important than asking for a fresh towel.

Yes. HE said looking at me with his i'm-serious-damn-it-face.

-o0o-

I met someone. Well, more like met again. SHE during lunch yesterday.

HE told me, pero non-detailed. Kilala mo naman yun. Chismis - go! ME

College classmate before. Bumped into him sa supermarket with his kid. Yes, annulled siya with one kid. SHE

DILF! ME

Hahahahahaha. SHE

So... ME trying to get more out of SHE

So, he's nice. A really good cook. And he pays me attention. SHE

I stared at SHE.

I know that look. ME

What look? SHE being defensive

That look when you look at HE - a sense of serenity after longing. ME

Hay, yun nga - I feel that way. Yung kalma lang ba lahat. Like everything's smooth sailing. SHE

Sarap no? ME

Niya? SHE

Hahaha. Loca! Hindi - yung feeling. Hahaha! ME

Hahahaha. Yeah. Alam mo naman na with HE and me, it's like a really old friendship na lang. Tapos with Chris, parang babae ulit ako. SHE

ME and SHE laughed in unison.

-o0o-

I looked at HE

And you're asking me because? ME


Huwag na lang, kalimutan mo na lang I asked. HE was pissed.

Look, its not going to make a difference for ME and our relationship. It's not like we can get married. ME

But it does matter with SHE. HE

I was silent. Ashamed even. Talagang minsan, sarili ko lang iniisip ko.

I buried my head in my palms. Yes, of course, an annulment would be favorable to SHE.

-o0o-

Alam mo the other day, HE was asking ME kung paano daw if you get annulled. ME

Ano sabi mo? SHE

Sabi ko, that wouldn't make a difference with us kasi we can't get married. I had to tell SHE the truth.

Pero you know what HE said? ME continued

Tumawa sya? SHE

Hindi. Sabi niya, it would matter to you just in case. ME

Ay... SHE

Why? ME

HE's really growing up. SHE

Hahaha. Akalain mo HE's capable of that? ME

I'm proud of HE you know - like a proud mama. SHE

Me too - the 'mama' part. Hehe. Pero SHE going back... ME

I don't know if I'll marry again... SHE interrupted. Ikaw ba, do you want us to get annulled?

I was stunned. I don't know if I am going to answer the way I answered HE - that it doesn't matter. Or would I unleash that 'girl' in me and say yes please.

We're okay naman di ba? I mean the way we are - this whole set up, it works. I finally said.

Don't you want more? SHE

I looked at SHE.

Do you? ME

No, not now. SHE

And you? SHE added.

I'm good. ME

-o0o-

I keep on thinking that SHE can't let go of HE, I can feel it to the gut. But I'm not jealous of SHE's attachment with HE - they do have a history together. I have come to accept that like rain in June.

Perhaps I can't let go of SHE as well - we have formed an attachment over the years that an annulment would only strain it.

And perhaps HE can't let go of either of us. HE's too comfortable with SHE and ME around.

Siguro kung minsan, hindi, madalas kaming tatlo lang ang nagkaka-intindahan.... Ewan. I'm still dumbfounded when it comes to the attachments we share with each other. But whatever we three have, we're okay.

'S' Kaloy...

My students call me 'S' Kaloy.

The 'S' is for Sir. Hihihihihi.

On the start of classes, I have them sign an attendance sheet. On it is a posted question they should answer after they sign their names.

I find it a good mental exercise to prepare them for class discussion - classes are, after all, Socratic: Everyday is recitation day! Hehehehe.

I don't do roll class - they are a waste of time.

-o0o-

At the start of the year, I usually do a bucket list. So this year, I had my students suggest the one thing that they want me to do that they think I haven't done before.

60% says to pass them in class. (Hahahaha! I am a very lenient instructor, I have failed only one (1) student for ONLY coming to class after the midterm exams.)

30% says I should treat the class  to pizza or kwek-kwek or beer. (I am tempted as I have been late for my classes habitually. Bad! Kaloy! Bad!)

8% says to stay at equilibrium and not do anything new. (I don't know whether they're scared of my life and their grades if I die or they just simply like me the way I currently am.)

2% asked me to do the impossible. (Things, I know, in myself that I will not be able to do. Well, not at least with a good motivation. Like say, I get to kiss Craig Horner... Hihihihi)


-o0o-

Here's the 2% bit of their answers:

• Try mo ko!! HAHAHA JOKE =)) (Hmmm... If he were taller... JOKE!)
• TRY U MAGPAKASTRAIGHT SIR, TAPOS MAKAGF ULIT? (Ulit? My nalaman ba itong estudyanteng ito sa nakaraan ko?)
• Try nyo umakyat pababa. Heheheh!!! (Di ba? the things they would like me to do!)
• Pumasok ng maagang maaga :) (This one, I really can't commit to inasmuch as I want. :c)
• BRING HIS BOYFRIEND IN ONE OF OUR CLASS :D (I have been asking HE to help me out during exams kasi departmentals usually para maiwasan ang leakage pero to no avail. HE's kinda scared of crowds - too many eyes on him would drive him bonkers.)
• Magklase sa LUNETA!! Heheheh =) (I honestly do not know why this was suggested.)
• BASKETBALL 1 ON 1 (Hmmm... This one's kinda cute... You think it has double meaning? An invitation perhaps.. Hehehe.)

-o0o-

But, albeit the tempting suggestions, my 2011 bucket list is empty up until now. I haven't found time to reflect on the things I wanted to do this year.

Perhaps, I don't need one this year.

Yes.

Let ME try being spontaneous and impulsive this year - see where I get to.

OF Cold Floors and the Smell of Bacon...

May lalake si SHE... HE

No hellos...

No hugs...

No kisses...

Just plain - May lalake si SHE

-o0o-

I was choosing between a turtle neck and a polo shirt.

Game plan was to hide the tattoo until WE get naked - I figured HE would not get into an argument while WE are in the middle of you-know-what...

I opted for the shirt, the turtle neck was just too obvious that something was up.

Leaving SHE's. HE texted

Bigla akong kinabahan - siguro excited lang ako.

That's how I am before s*x - or least when I know that I'm gonna score some...

There was a knock - it was HIS knock, I have been accustomed to its beat: three full knocks, a pause then two soft thuds...

I opened the door...

-o0o-

Yan, nasabi ko na. Judge me all you want... HE

HE was opening a pack of bacon already.


Your going to hate me for what I'm going to say but I need to say it. HE warned


What is SHE thinking - SHE's a mother of two! And SHE's my wife! Kasal siyang babae... HE continued.

He got a pan and turned the stove on.

Call me a pig... HE said

Pig. I said

Pero iba talaga kung sa babae. Double standard kung double standard. I'm guilty all you want pero that's how I feel... HE continued.

HE was now frying 5 strips of bacon.

What would you do without bacon? ME

HE looked at ME.

What would I do without you? HE

I looked at the tiled floor and smiled.

Come here. HE said.

I came closer. HE held ME by the waist then gently rubbed his lips over mine.


Hmmmmm. I hummed.

Let's do this. HE

Lets... ME

-o0o-

My back aches. Let's not do it on the kitchen floor again. ME

Hahahahahahaha. HE

WE were spooning on the cold floor. It should have been romantic but the floor was just too cold...


And don't think you could hide that from me. HE as he run his finger from my nape and down my spine.

I wasn't going to... ME

I like it - I just hope you'll like when you're all wrinkled. HE

I just hope you'll still like ME when I'm all wrinkled... ME

That would not be a problem... HE tightened his hug.


And SHE... I started.

I said my piece - I needed to say it. That's that. I should be the last person to judge. HE

My... My... Have we grown? ME

Don't mock... Pero you know what? I think somewhere inside is still a bruised straight male ego. HE

Kasi SHE is finally moving on from your marriage... ME

That and siguro, I really didn't expect it... Pero you know what, I'm happy with you and SHE should also be... HE

My smile went from ear to ear.

You know I'm proud of you, right? ME

HE kissed my nape.

And I of you. HE

And the coldness suddenly felt tolerable.

WE were warm.

Now I'm in Trouble...

+

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How the hell will I explain this to HE?

: /