Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Family of Stubborn Hearts...

Anong problema? It was my Mama


Don't play dumb with me. There are only 2 instances when you slept over after you moved out: 
1. When you ran out of cash for your rent and were too proud to sleep in an 'unpaid for' accomodation and 
2. When this (ponting to my chest) is in trouble. Mama

I ran out of cash... 

Sino niloko mo? Mama


ME needed to be somewhere else as the apartment ME rented will only be vacant this Feb.

ME decided to stay with my mom for the moment.


You wouldn't understand. ME

Like I dont understand you like men? Mama

ME was shocked - like a wave of electricity ran through my veins.

I know. We mamas know. I just didn't think you were obligated to tell because well, I'm not obligated to tell you I like men too. Besides, kaya nga may maternal instincts kami para you won't have to tell us anything. Mama

ME just smiled.

So it's boy trouble then? Mama

My iba na sya. ME

My mama rose from her chair and walked away.

I was left confused.

Baka she was not ready to hear... ME thought

Just when ME was about to leave the kitchen...

O san ka pupunta? Mama

O - akala ko di mo matake kaya walk out ka. ME

I'm never that dramatic son. Mama

Here, look at this and tell me the odd man out.  Mama still.

It was our family picture.

Anong odd man out? Naiiba? ME

Last I checked, that's the tagalog translation. Mama

ME stuck my tongue out to her.

Your unbelievably bright yellow shawl? ME

Man nga eh - not object. Mama

ME smiled.

Me? ME said

Why you? Mama

Because I'm the only one person in the picture that's color coordinated and is smizing. ME

Yeah, you do stand out. Pero other than that? Mama

Just tell me. ME

Me. Mama

Ikaw? ME

The last I checked... Mama

I know... I know... ME interrupted.

Bakit nga ikaw? ME continued.

Look at you and your sisters, you have all of your dad's features, except you, who have your lola's nose. Other than that you didn't get anything from me. Mama

Oo nga noh. So that's supposed to make me feel better? That we're not as classy as you look? ME mocked.

Hindi. Point is: yan (pointing at my chest again), yan, sa akin yan - your hearts are as stubborn as mine. Mama

You love until you can... Mama continued.

ME just smiled.

You ever thought how I am coping? Mama asked.

ME nodded.

I'm not. I still blame myself for driving your dad away from me - from this family. Siguro I could have shut up more o baka dapat mas nagtiis pa ako... Mama

ME tried to interrupt but...

Let me finish... I think we are those kinds of  people - those that selfishly blame ourselves for everything. Which is right at some point but  we should never deny that others contributed also. Siguro no matter how hard I tried not to talk, your dad would use my silence against me or kung nagtiis pa ako, he would have deemed it as approval... You see where I'm getting at? Mama

ME nodded.

That blame... that hurt will never go away. But I'm trying to learn to accept.  Accept that my one great love story is over... Now I just have to find a channel to exhaust and harness a  different kind of love. Mama

Oh god your dating?! ME

There's no problem if I was but I'm not. I meant you and your sisters - I channel my love to my kids. Kaya nga every now and then I ask you about plans for a family. Mama

ME remembered what SHE said.

I don't care if its with a guy. I just want you to experience the kind of love I have with you. Its something I couldn't describe pero that love is where I nestle myself in when its rough with your dad or with the rest of the world. Mama

ME didn't know what to say.

You are going to be fine because you have a heart like mine. And our hearts - they may break a thousand times but they mend a thousand times too if that's what it takes. Mama

We were silent for awhile.

You always know the right things to say. ME finally said and I hugged her like never before and waited for her to let go first.


ME will not rush into healing or a family but ME will visit my Mama more.

Here's to Mamas with stubborn hearts.

Monday, January 9, 2012

I thought...

...I was okay - but i'm not.

My heart crumbles everyday - like it was being deprived of air.

I can't bear it.

I started sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't be reminded of the empty space beside my bed - but the bed's still there...

I rid of all your things but then, I open the freezer and your bacon and SML and leche flan are there.

Every inch of me screams you and I can't muster enough energy anymore to pretend  to be okay.

I'm a mess.