It hit me again - like a hard frozen rock - right on the face.
What did I expect?
That two people who had twins and were living as husband and wife were not having sex?
Five years into the relationship and I still delude myself into thinking na ang bo-board and lodging lang siya kina SHE.
I'm still not getting it - our whole set up...
Or baka I just gave up trying to understand...
Or baka i'm just used to the whole thing na.
Whatever it is, we're still US.
HE has not been home since 15, the twins misses him. It was SHE who texted.
We've not seen each other since the last two weeks - I just got in from Cebu. ME
Oh - sorry, i just thought he'd be with you. SHE
Hindi pa sya nagtetex since I left Manila, he was asking if I could postpone the trip - I couldn't. Kilala mo naman asawa mo, tamporurut - he haven't texted since. You okay? ME
Better - still coping with the loss. SHE
What loss? ME
HE didn't tell you yet - did he? Shoot. SHE
What's to tell? ME
I miscarried... SHE
Funny really, how SHE and I have gotten into the most casual relationship together - its as if we were friends.
I'm sorry She. ME
I'm sorry too. SHE
We both knew what each was sorry for. There was no need to say anymore -
I was sorry for their loss.
She was sorry for mine.
And I was sorry I couldn't help her bear her burden.
And She was sorry I could never know hers.
He was at my place.
Contrary to the picture that I painted - He was neatly clothed and sober.
Hey you. I said as my arms swung from behind to embrace him.
Hey, you should have texted so I could have picked you up. HE
Its not me who's in need of picking-up... I said.
You know sometimes, I find it weird that SHE can confide in you... HE
Well, we're not laudes for nothing... HE
Yabang o - HE
Hey, seryoso - HOW are you? Me
I'm trying - trying real hard. But there's not a day that the I think that I don't deserve to be a father anymore - yung bata na daw yung hindi malakas ang kapit kaya ganun... Naisip ko, baka naramdaman niya yung circumstances that he would be subjected to when he comes out... I won't lie, when She told me she was expecting, I was happy - the twins are a handful but I don't mind another one. And then She asked me what my plans were - I just told her, there was nothing to change... HE
I felt proud that He would not give me up, but I could only imagine what She felt and that made me ashamed of feeling any pride.
Naisip ko - iniisip kaya niya na he chose me over the baby? My life over the baby's? I couldn't bear the thought. Nagsisisi kaya siya? Did he think na if he chose otherwise, would the baby kept a more firmer grip on She's womb?
I was lost for anything to say - I was feeling guilty. I felt like a third hand trying to pull the baby out...
I guess it was not for us - not yet. HE
She needs you now - hindi ako nagpaparaya - pero you and She share the same loss, you understand the feeling... I'll be here when you get back. ME
Thank you. HE
He left for She that night.
And his words lingered - I guess it was not for us - not yet...
I try hard to make up for the fact that I couldn't give him a child -
GOD! If there was some way - any way - I would have devoted my body to be a guinea pig for some mad science experiment to make me bear a child...
But I know all hope is lost on that - all I can do for now is to fill up whatever empty space He still have except that.
He's home. Thank you.
It was She.