How To Break...

"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.

"Why would it forget?" Mama

We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.

"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME

"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama

"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME

"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama

"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME

"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama

I gave a faint smile.

"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama

"But not love him." ME

"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama

Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.




P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.

Bagets 101...

Remember R?

Well we got into talking over dinner the other day and I asked him how he and B2 lasted that long.

He was quick to qualify what “last” means - it means intermittently seeing each other over a number of years. No relationships. Some expectations. Always bounded by rules.

So I asked him, what exactly are these rules anyway? So here’s a run-down of the things to remember when dealing with bagets. Paraphrased as I remember it.

0. Bagets should not be a minor.

1. You are not the girlfriend. You are not a girl. Period. So you have no business where he’s been or what he’s doing. Huwag kang needy bakla.

2.  Wala ka din dapat paki-alam kung my keme siyang ibang (mga) bakla. Kaya play safe lang lage kasi you don’t know where that’s been.

3. Kung free siya, hindi ka free - no pressure. And vice-versa. And you do not wait for him - if he says he’s coming by 9 PM and he comes in late, do not nag.

4. Trust should never be present (not the condom – although yes, the condom too). Always be on guard on your things.

5. Never dole out without anything in return. Dapat laging may kapalit. Kasi kapag nalaman niyang pwede naman pala yun - lagot ka na.

6.  You should have no care if he takes a private call when you’re together.

7. Do not be social media friends.

8. Ang toka mo lang dapat siya - hindi yung girlfriend niya, anak niya, magulang o mga kapatid niya o yung basketball team nila. Hindi dapat package deal.

Being the frustrated lawyer that he is, he said those 8 rules are GENERAL rules, there is an exemption. 

R says that you will be able to FEEL sincerity, honesty and goodness. Hindi yung binobola ka na lang niya. There will be instances where bagets will prove this. But do not mistake it daw as love. If you feel in your heart that he is true, then give a little trust - this little trust will make the “intermittent seeing each other” last longer.

I gotta love the wisdom of my friends. LOL!