Of Hopes...

How can I help? It was a text SHE

Cash or in kind - but we are prioritizing napkins, diapers and condoms. ME replied.

Consider it done. Where to drop? SHE

I could meet you or there's a drop-off at the College. ME

We'll meet naman later so i'll course it through you K. SHE

Salamat SHE. ME

-o0o-

How are you holding up? SHE asked. We were at our usual once-twice a month dinner dates.

Better. But I feel responsible. I have been with the project for three years and still, parang walang nangyari - we are as unprepared as ever. ME

I don't think anybody would be prepared for that large a scale. Give yourself some slack. SHE

Salamat - I know you mean for the best. But I really feel we could have done more. ME

We have and we will. SHE was trying to convince me.

-o0o-

You see, ME have been with an institution for the last years in capacitating communities [or at least attempt to] in preparing for disasters and climate change. And  Yolanda has been a pail of cold water (heck - a whole ocean even!] that drenched us into reconsidering our strategies for preparedness.

What have we not done?

What were we doing wrong?

What needs to be changed?

I have been working with our team on looking at structures, policies, initiatives or the lack thereof for the last week.

And I have been obsessed at trying to make sense of the unimaginable loss of life and property.

Everything has been harder to do:
...eat and drink because there are those who have not been eating and/or drinking for days
...put on clean clothes when others don't even have any
...wake-up when thousands don't anymore

And despair is everywhere - two of my students haven't heard from their families since 10 November. And while they are excused from class, they kept on attending instead because its the only piece of sanity they have left. Their classmates have been more than supportive.

Five of my colleagues traveled by land the day after as their families were also there.

But some glimmer of hope arise sometimes. A close friend's family is in Samar - they are okay but the sister is coming to Manila to pursue the rest of the semester as the Visayas Campus cannot function - not in the next months. Aside from the countless help for relief efforts - the fact that a person affected still has a firm hold of her future is inspiring.

-o0o-

We ate in silence.

Here. SHE finally uttered and slipped a plastic envelope across our table in between our Jobee 39ers.

That's about Php3,000 worth of 10 and 5 peso coins from the Twins. They were saving it for buying their friends Christmas gifts. SHE said smiling.

Kids noh, just when you think they are only thinking of themselves. SHE continued.

I almost could not contain myself and wanted to cry my heart out. I have read of kids giving their piggy banks for donations but when someone you know does it - its a euphoric experience. I bit my lip as hard just to suppress my about uncontrolled-hysteria for the Twin's act of kindness.

It would be too much to ask you to cheer up but hey, there is hope, with a generation like that of my kids - I have the greatest of hopes. SHE concluded.

-o0o-

There's still a lot to be done.

We must mourn but we must also do what we can - in however or whatever way we can.

Here's to igniting that fire of hope!

A Strategy for Love...

No, I am not an expert.

But I think I might have found a formula (or process) to finding an easy-breezy relationship and its no secret.

1. The other guy must love you more
2. Learn to love the other guy - maybe not in the same intensity, but love nonetheless

You know very well  where I'm coming from.

-o0o-

Love before M was altruistic and natural - it was not made or influenced - it just is. You love a person for no reason - you just love out of nowhere.

After M, I found that the better kinds of love are those that are learnt and nourished. For the first months with M, I thought he was just a guy that was a necessary intervention for me to move forward from He.

M was there for Me even if he does not know about He or what happened with He, M was there - he did not ask or attempted to intrude - he just made himself "there."

-o0o-

I was out for a week, I went from east to west coast (Pinas ha, not US) and had the chance to sleep only during travel time.

When I arrived, M was waiting. He got hold of my bags, prepared the bed and my clothes to sleep on. I slept early that night with a goal of waking up early the next day to fix my things.

And so I woke up with M's embrace. I kissed him softly on the lips and got up - M stayed in bed.

I went to the bathroom - the toiletries I brought for my travel were there, organized the way I would have organized it.

I stepped out of the bathroom, M was still in bed, and searched for my bag. It was in the closet, neatly tucked.

I looked at my hamper, it was empty - my guess is the clothes are hanging dry already. I went outside and there they were, my soiled clothes washed and swaying happily under the sun.

I stepped in, M was up, making coffee already. I stopped and looked at him.

He was wearing my boxers and an old college shirt. He yawned like it was the last thing he would do and scratched his head.

Saan ka galing? M finally noticed me and asked.

I smiled and did not answer his question. I moved forward instead and embraced him from the back.

Salamat. I whispered.

He turned around, placed his hands on my hips and kissed me.

I started tearing up. These little things he does - makes me believe in love again.

Mahal kita M. I said looking at him.

M was looking at me - he was surprised.

And then he smiled.

Basta ako ang naunang nagsabi niyan a - huwag mong kalimutan. M joked.

And we just stayed in that embrace for what seems like forever - for what I hope would be forever.

-o0o-

Here's to learning love!

On Violence and Gender Perceptions...

I have been busy with my own studies for the past months. It was a liberating experience - so much more than what I expected to be just a distraction from HE and the whole mess that is my life.

I was shown THIS post first before THIS post. This is how I answered:

Situation	Hetero	Homo	Justification
Orgy	Violence	Not	Gays are promiscuous, thus any kind of agreeing to an orgy suspends rights of preferences. How is this different from a woman? Just my bias that in a woman’s case, any kind of forced/unwanted sexual advance is rape or harassment – no matter how promiscuous the woman is.
1-Night Stand	Violence	Violence	I strongly feel that any kind of verbal slaughter (whether meant or not) that diminishes a person is a form of violence.
Partners/Married Couple	Violence	Not	Hetero-adultery is against the law thus, a form of violence.  Meanwhile, Homo-unfaithfulness is the norm.

Just for context, by "violence" we mean physical, verbal or psychological abuse. And by "abuse" we mean undue restriction of freedom.

From my answers, obviously, I have double standards. While I find all circumstances as violent for the Hetero, I have become selective with the Homo. I have varied reasons for this - I could not really point one life-factor but yeah, I discriminate.

Point is, the circumstances are all forms of violence. Let us not think that gender has anything to do with it (like what Gillboard have commented) - its social constructions based on heteronormativity that have to be challenged.

So fight!

Here's to challenging them norms!

On VAG (2)...

I urge that you read the FIRST post first (how redundant). :)

-o0o-

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 3 men and 2 women, 1 (Man) was eyeing 2 (Woman).

And in any group orgy of about 5, there is always an odd-member-out - that's 5 (Man).

3 (Man) & 4 (Woman) started getting it on.

2 (Woman) went down on 1 (Man).

1 (Man) was about to cum when 2 (Woman) went in for a kiss and 5 (Man) went in behind 2 (Woman) and started humping her from behind.

2 (Woman) had no desire for 5 (Man) and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabasan na naman siya at nagpaubuya ka na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are office mates.

2 (Woman) obviously like 1 (Man).

On a drunken birthday night, 1 (Man) and 2 (Woman) found themselves lying next to each other.

2 (Woman) searched for 1's (Man's) member, 1 (Man) willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 1 (Man) came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 1 suddenly said after dressing up. "Puta ka din e - papatulan kahit sino." 1 (Man) continued.

2 (Woman) enjoyed every bit of the moment and she feels like what 1 (Man) just said it to emancipate himself from the act that just happened as he had a girlfriend.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 (Man) & 2 (Woman) are married.

They would have been married for five years this year.

1 (Man) has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 (Woman) tolerated it - she made herself to think that she was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in any relationships.

2 (Woman) was always conscious that she looks good for 1 (Man), that she took care of 1 (Man) , that 1 (Man) should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 (Man) wanted to live with someone else, 2 (Woman) would not object and would wait until 1 (Man) decides to come back to her.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Women (VAW)? Did you have different answers on the first post? If yes, why'd you think so?

-o0o-

Note: I know this feels like a survey (its really not) but I would love  to have a little validation (or opposition) of what I have answered myself  and just to see our reflections on our conception of abuses.

Shout out to JM, Geosef, Gillboard and FiftyShadesOfQueer for your comments on the first post.

On Violence Against Gays (1)...

CASE 1

In a group orgy of about 5 men, 1 was eyeing 2.

And in any group orgy of about 5 men, there is always an odd-gay-out - that's 5.

3 & 4 started getting it on.

2 went down on 1.

1 was about to cum when 2 went in for a kiss and 5 went in to s*ck 1's member.

1 had no desire for 5 and in fact have denied him access to him the whole orgy time (up until that time).

Preferences - that was a clear rule in the orgy. No one forces himself to anyone - whether to give or to receive.

But like the same situations before: andiyan na, lalabas na at napaubuya mo na lang kahit hindi mo gusto.

-o0o-

CASE 2

1 & 2 are office mates.

1 is openly gay.

2 is discreet like i-haven't-accepted-myself-yet-as-gay-but-i-am-willing-to-have-sex-with-you

On a drunken birthday night, 1 & 2 found themselves lying next to each other.

1 searched for 2's member, 2 willingly obliged.

They had one intense f*ck-session.

Only 2 came.

"Ang dumi mo p*tang ina mo - ginamit mo pa ako." 2 suddenly said after dressing up. "Kapag inulit mo pa ito, makatikim ka talaga ng hinahanap mo - bakal ka!." 2 continued.

1 enjoyed every bit of the moment and he feels like what 2 just said is to emancipate himself from the "gay" act that just happened.

-o0o-

CASE 3

1 & 2 are partners.

They would have been partners for five years this year.

1 has always been promiscuous - having affairs every now and then.

2 tolerated it - he made himself to think that he was not enough and that it was "normal" to have affairs in gay relationships.

2 was always conscious that he looks good for 1, that he took care of 1, that 1 should always have the upper hand in everything.

And when times came that 1 wanted to live with someone else, 2 would not object and would wait until 1 decides to come back to him.

-o0o-

Question: Which of the three cases would fall under Violence Against Gays (VAG)?

On Farmer Boy...

M has been my rock and my wind and my water and my fire all at same time.

He has been very patient with me through and through.

He does not question the unanswered "I love yous" nor does he pressure me to give one.

There is some stoicism with M on how he makes himself be "there" - always present for me.

He's always there doing them little stuff like helping with the laundry and buying the earliest pandesal and waiting for me to finish my class and holding my bag and test papers and my hand...

M has been my sanity.

-o0o-

Sunday night, we were drinking gin mixed in green apple juice.

Hindi mo pa ako mahal. Naramramdaman ko yun. M said

I was stunned.

It was the truth.

Tumitingin ka pa din sa ibang lalaki kapag nasa mall tayo. Alam ko din my tinetex ka pa ding iba. M continued.

Pinagdasal kita sa Baclaran. Hiniling ko na sana ito na 'to pero nahihirapan ako kasi ako mahal kita - ako hindi mo mahal. M was sobbing now.

Hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko kung mawawala ka. M managed to continue.

I held his face on my palms.

Hindi ako mawawala. I started.

Pero hihilingin ko sayo na habaan mo pa pasensya mo sa akin. Hindi madaling magmahal at ayaw ko nang maramdaman yung sakit na gaya dati kasi hindi ko na kaya talaga. I continued.

M just nodded.

Kaya ko gustong umiinom tayo lagi kasi nasasabi ko 'to sayo lahat. M

Kaya pa ba? I asked

Yung alak o yung pagpapasensya? M answered

Yung sa alak, alam kong kaya mo pa. I said

Hindi ako bibitiw. Kahit na bumitiw ka. Saka pasensyoso talaga ako. M said.

I kissed him and in that moment I wanted to love him like what he deserves.

Hardened...

Being loved more than loving...

This is the lesson that I think I have refused to learn.

So to you:

I will no longer be your option or a choice among multiple others - I'll be the chooser.

I will not wait for you - I will leave.

You will not decide whether to keep me or not - I decide not to keep you.

You will not hurt me any more than you already have - I will stay out of your life and you in mine.

I will remember you - But I will create better memories.

I will stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong - It was a collective fault.

You were so many firsts - There'll be seconds for sure, but not with you.

We are a finished story - Reading 'us' again won't change the ending.

I will not love more - I will be loved more.

-o0o-

Before posting the entry above, I read it again and realized how hardened I have become. It seems that I have changed my values and have become so self-centered. 

I'ts a defense mechanism I guess. It's putting what I feel, my interests, above anyone's.  I feel I deserve to. I feel like its a natural inkling. I feel like its right.

I'm so scared that I would take extra precaution to guard myself from ever feeling that kind of pain again.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.