HE hit me...

On the face...

On my chest...

On the space just before the butt crack...

Then some more on my neck...

I wanted to hit back -

So I did.

On HIS navel...

On HIS chest...

On the space between HIS thighs...

Then some more on HIS palms...

-o0o-

Tsalap ng major major bugbugan talaga...

Pasa kung pasa.

Hehehehe.

Naughty kabit lang...

You cheat, I cheat...

Look, I started, its not the first time. You're definitely not the first...

I found myself reiterating the exact same words that SHE told me on that faithful night...

-o0o-

The kid was 20. Barely fresh out of college and trying his luck out on the real world.

I know. Right from the start. HE told me. The kid said.

And I was more than willing. I admit, HE is not my first but I'm as gullible as they get. His raw honesty from the start - that was something that really turned me on. HE was honest with me and that made me feel sickly wonderful inside. The kid continued.

I'm sure, you've felt the same. I mean, after having so many attempts at relationships, in the end, you just want someone who would be honest - a smack-right-at-your-face kind of honesty. HE gave that - no pretensions... All cards on the table. The kid.

The kid was 20 for crying out loud and the maturity in the way he says things was totally unexpected. I was caught off my guard.

So, ano 'to? What are we here for? ME nagpapaka-Maricel Soriano

I don't know. I guess I was intrigued. I knew, but HE never talks about you. The kid.

And SHE? ME

Who's SHE? The kid.

I grinned.

Nobody, SHE's nobody. ME

Honest pala a... I thought inside my head accompanied by an evil laugh.

-o0o-

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I tolerate HIM - but in the years we are together, surely it was not all smooth sailing. On the way, we meet rough waters and other sailors. Its just the way things are for HIM and ME. We play around and we both know it but we constantly refuse to discuss it. And we're not exactly what you call an open relationship - we are what we are. And those other sailors are well --- just that: escape.

I'm not going to try to even argue in behalf of our relationship. Its a non-issue for us and that's all that matters... I think.

Basta, mahirap mag-explain. Kasi when you have a sense of security with someone, you know that no matter what happens or what you do - in the end, in all leads back to him. And we are exactly like that - hindi kami hipokrito - alam namin na kung adobo lang ang ulam mo ng limang taon - kahit gaano kasarap yang adobong yan - nakakasawa din.

-o0o-

So you met the kid? HIM

Yup, he's kinda cute in a Stefano Mori way. ME

I think its his youth that drew me - age is coping up with us... HIM

With you YES, with me - not for 5 years more. Hahahaha. ME

Hmmm - humor. I like. HIM

Kiss nga ngarud. ME

-o0o-

Gwapo?

Hindi. Cute lng.

Hahahaha. You think the kid's big?

Nakakadiri ka. Hahahaha. Pero tingin ko okay-okay lang.


Hay, anubayan, I think we're getting too comfortable with our whole set-up.

You want out?


Naku, eh di nawalan ako ng juicy stories. Hehehe. You okay?


Yes. You know HIM. The kid's just a passing.

Yes... Just like everything.

ME and SHE later that night.

-o0o-

Think what you must - but I have long learned that its too stressful to always defend what we have to other people. We are okay and we are good that way we are okay. I am way past judgments and irrelevant opinions.

Masaya ako. PAK!

Masaya sya. PAK!

Masaya kaming lahat. PAK!

No - not a dog...

OK, just to be clear - I don't totally hate dogs. In fact, my family have owned several dogs over the past two decades. All of which have died a peaceful death - no thanks to Me.

-o0o-

What about a dog? HE

We were at a Bio Research trying to buy fish food for the twin's gold fish.

No. ME

Why not? At least may baby na tayo. HIM

Ikaw na lang, basta ako, ayoko - gawin mo pa akong bitch. ME


Well, you already are, no help from me. HIM

I slowly turned my head, raised my left eyebrow, and looked at him as if to say "you are not getting any tonight mister..." and said -

I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear you just say that. And you're sleeping on the couch by the way. ME

Aysus met, that was a joke. HIM as he put on a faint attempt to pout and give ME puppy dog eyes.

-o0o-

The idea was cute - ME and HIM having a baby together as personified by a pug. Very tempting.

But I resisted, I mean, who am I kidding? A dog, or any animal for that matter, will never be a replacement for a child. And if I know ME any better, a dog would only depress me more as it would constantly remind me that even for a pseudo-baby, we had to get it from a bitch.

Ewan ko ba, bakit ang laking issue ko yung pagkaka-anak lately? Is it because of age? Or baka i'm just looking for another reason to stay with him and keep the relationship? Hala... Am I running out of reasons?

-o0o-

I looked at myself in the mirror that night - no hints of wrinkles yet, no gray hair, no falling teeth, and a damn good memory still...

Reason No. 1 - eks mark.

Now, that would only leads to...

Hindi. I convinced myself.

I would know and feel especially, if I wanted out. I convinced myself some more.

I would - right?

I opted to sleep it off as I refuse to deal with the issue - not now, after all that had happened...

I closed the bathroom door and headed for the bed.

On his side of the bed, on top of his pillow, is a stuff toy - it was a pug.

Seriously, think about it. HE scribbled on a paper beside the toy pug.

I took the toy pug and shoved it under the bed.

Tomorrow - I'll think about it tomorrow. I thought.

Because I Still Can...

It was the first time you've asked the question...

-o0o-

We were on the bed, watching True Blood...

Why do you love? After all the years...HE

Don't get weird on me...Effect ba yan ni Vampire Bill? Shoookhe.... ME

'Di nga, its a legitimate question... HE

Well, because I still can... ME

-o0o-

Hindi ba ganun naman talaga dapat?

Na magmamahal tayo hanggang kaya pa natin?

-oOo-

May I return the question? ME

He leaned over and kissed me...

I kinda don't know what to make of that...

You Knew This Was Comming...

Here's an attempt to parallel my "situation" with Julie Yap-Daza's Etiquette for Mistresses... and what wives can learn from them.

Allow me to share to you the following etiquette for us mistresses:

1) Mistress is not Mrs. Know your place.

-> Si SHE No. 1 Girl tapos AKO No. 1 Boy. There's simply no comparison, what I offer is different from what SHE can - basta ako mas masikip. AMPF!

2) Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that go to your head.

-> HE has never once told me that HE loves ME or SHE more. But I know that nothing in the world could ever come between HIS love for the TWINS - not even ME.

3) Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Holy Week and his birthday.

-> Please refer to the Birthday Clause... I do get ALL SOULS/SAINTS Day since they have no one to visit in the Cemetery anyways. Come to think of it, yun lng yung Holiday na sa AKIN - most of the Holidays we have are either celebrated PRE or POST.

4) Be friend his secretary but avoid all contact with his driver.

-> He doesn't have a secretary or a driver and I've never met his office colleagues or any of his brothers. I kinda expected it -

5) As tempting as it seems, don’t patronize the wife’s beauty parlor, jewelry shop, dress shop, or father confessor.

-> SHE isn't the business woman  type- she's more Jackie O... And SHE doesn't go to Church - YOGA, yes but never Church (no pun intended)... Well, not until I met her and learned that she does have a devotion...

6) DON’T CALL HIM, WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL.

-> Nah - I call when I want to except when I know HE's with the SHE and the TWINS - in those instances, HE calls when HE can.

7) To be seen with him in public once is risky. The second time could be fatal to one of you. The third time is The End for both of you.

-> We buy groceries together - that's as public as we can get. But no show of affection whatsoever when we're out and he usually have a habit of walking a few paces before me. Don't get HIM wrong - its just the way HE is: he likes leading.

8 ) Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults.

-> I have never heard him speak ill of SHE - not once. He had however, cursed his heart out when he saw me cutting my nails on the bed...

9)Mistresses are kept by rich men. But a mistress who is a woman of substance and independent means is better (Translation: Don’t ask him for money).

-> He's rich but not filthy and what is important is that I am KEPT...

10) Be discreet. (Make sure he is not the type to talk in his sleep.)

-> We're out anyway to SHE - I guess that gives us comfort. But alas, diligence must be kept as there are prying eyes everywhere - from our laundry woman to the can driver...

11) Never travel together.

->The farthest we went was Batangas - at a resort - and we took the bus. Its fun traveling with him, he is a good story-teller plus I get to hold his hand for the ride...

12) When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fecklessness (Men will be boys. They will forget to call. They will break a date at the last minute. They will stand you up. They won’t explain and they won’t ask for forgiveness. But don’t cry nor throw a tantrum. Don’t break down because a mistress is supposed to understand a man more than his wife does).

-> HE have broken several and I have thrown tantrums more than once at him. But when HE makes-up for it - oh boy - HE MAKES-UP for it to the sense of the word.

13) Wives have their own networks of spies and amigas. It is helpful for the mistress to have her own. A chaperon is not a good idea, however. (Chaperons are passe. Besides, they talk.)

-> I don't know how open SHE is with her friends but one time, nagpang-abot kami sa isang restaurant and SHE casually said Hi to ME and introduced me to his colleagues as a "friend" of HE. I know right - SHE is as classy as they get (talagang my papuring ganun kay orig?)

14) Mistresses don’t complain.

-> I complain about how HE washes his ties only after a month... Or that I always have to turn the snooze off on his alarm... Or that HE scoops from my ice cream pint when he perfectly has a pint of his own... BUT I have never complained on the amount of time he spends with me (or the lack thereof) or that I feel most often that I am second priority (which I am). I guess there are a lot of things that you come to terms to when you are faced with certain situations and in time, you learn to accept them...

15) Being No.2, the mistress tries harder.

-> I try - I try hard. Pero sabi ko nga, SHE and ME offers different things... But sometimes I unconsciously compete with SHE - I would always have to get the better gift for him on his birthday, that I memorize all his preferences (what tie goes with what shirt and what condiment goes with what food) and that I seldom say NO to his whims...

16) Send him home as soon as it becomes apparent that he’s overstaying.

-> HE has overstayed for five years - I don't mind...

17) It is practical for a mistress to be linked to anther man, preferably her lover’s friend.

-> There are the occasional exes but HE has a certain PRIDE and SECURITY and he knows me too well to get jealous... Sometime I think I may have broken down too many walls for him that in the end, I won't have any available defense...

18) If he is a public man and you’re thinking of staging an accident of running into him, think: How many accidents can I pull off in one month?

-> I have once attempted to do this. HE was meeting his old college friends (one of which was a long time girlfriend) - at dahil alam kong malandi yung babae at i-aattempt niyang ahasin si HE kay SHE, talagang sumunod ako sa Timog. When HE saw me in the door - he gave me a look of disappointment that put me to intense shame...

19) Don’t make unnecessary enemies of his children.

-> I love the TWINS. I met them once (thanks to SHE) and I've been constantly bribing them with gifts since - they know me sa TITO.

20) Remind him to pay for everything in cash – dinner, flowers, perfume, champagne, pearls, diamonds, a microwave oven, etc.

->Hahahaha - we always pay in cash. Just like HIM, I don't believe in credit cards.

21) Don’t use tears as a weapon. He’s probably had enough of that from the Mrs.
Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesn’t use tears to get what she wants.

-> I use ehem another 'weapon' to get what I want and it never fails... Hahaha

22) Resist the urge to be found out.

-> Well,SHE knows... So I guess it would be easier when the whole world finds out eventually - IF they would.

23) Perish all thought that someday you’ll be No. 1

-> I have - I just rest in the comfort that I'm KEPT.

24) Married men who keep mistresses don’t like surprises, as a rule.

-> HE doesn't like them surprises too - he likes to be in control of things and surprises gets him out of control. So no surprises for HIM...

25) A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only half life. Cheer up!

-> HE does - but the lines as slowly thinning... HIS two lives are unconsciously merging together.

26) Resist the urge to shower him with gifts. Evidence, evidence…!

-> Ewan, pero hindi kami mahilig magbigayan ng gamit pero ang manghiram sa isa't isa, dun kami binggo. From after shave, to shirts, to socks and to ipods... Siguro on my part, I just really enjoy the fact na a piece of HIM is with ME... Choz.

27) When in doubt, disappear.

-> I have often wished to disappear but with HIM, I finally found a place where I could be the best and worst of ME and still be accepted.

28) When all else fails, leave him.

-> I'd like to think that we haven't failed yet because we constantly TRY.

There. Perhaps on some other time, I could make my own list of Etiquette for the Gay Mistress. Hahaha. Kembot lang.

Sirang Payong...

It was raining...

Perfect I thought - the heavens decided to pour just when you have decided to wear your white pants and have conveniently left your umbrella at home.

I went back to the office. I know somewhere hidden in the storeroom is an umbrella I purposely leave in the office for my "just-in-case-i-forget-to-bring-an-umbrella-from-home" scenarios. There it was, nestled between the Domex and the Toilet Duck is a black umbrella. I grabbed it and headed down again.

I opened the umbrella - two of its stretchers were broken and the crook handle was loose. But the wind was gentle, so I decided to walk to a mall near the area and wait for HIM there. I stepped into the rain and oh boy - did i regret it...

The umbrella had small holes in it enough for rain water to sip through. Pero sabi ko, andun na din lng ako so move forward na. So I got to the mall drenched and my coat put on a kilo due to the water it absorbed. At the mall entrance, as I was about to be frisked by the guard, I saw this lady, unlike me, she was heavily soaked... But funny, on her hand is an umbrella too.

Nakakatuwang isipin na may mga bagay sa buhay ko na kahit na sira ay pinipilit ko pa ring gamitin. Case point: the umbrella. I perfectly knew that it was broken and that I would get wet anyway in using it, but I used it nonetheless.

Siguro umasa ako na kahit papaano, it would help me get less wet. Nakakatawa naman ako, okay na gamitin ko yung sirang payong kasi it would get me "less" wet - like that would make a difference.

Hindi lang payong actually, I have a mug that has a broken handle that I still use kasi mas masarap magkape sa mug na yon... Yung mga bowls ko din sa bahay may mga cracks na pero I still use it to serve noodles - kasi parang mas masarap ang noodles pag dun nakalagay...

I have a habit of using things that are broken - perhaps that's reason why I can't seem to fix myself. I like bits and pieces of broken things - I find comfort in the fact that they're not perfect and that when they were perfect, they gave me the greatest of joys.

Tamang drama lang pero come to think of it, HE and ME - we're two broken things. Para kaming sirang payong na butas-butas at dilapidated na pero gamit na gamit pa rin. I guess we both enjoy the rain, kaso, to psyche ourselves na we are not going to get sick, nagpapayong kami - kahit wala naman naitutulong... Kahit in the end, we get the flu.

-o0o-
A day after, in the same mall...

I'm here at the rear entrance. It was HE
Coming. ME

In HIS car...

I got that for you.HE
Hahaha - napasin mo?ME

It was a new umbrella.

It was a MIS...

SHE miscarried.

It hit me again - like a hard frozen rock - right on the face.

What did I expect?

That two people who had twins and were living as husband and wife were not having sex?

Five years into the relationship and I still delude myself into thinking na ang bo-board and lodging lang siya kina SHE.

I'm still not getting it - our whole set up...

Or baka I just gave up trying to understand...

Or baka i'm just used to the whole thing na.

Whatever it is, we're still US.

-o0o-

HE has not been home since 15, the twins misses him. It was SHE who texted.

We've not seen each other since the last two weeks - I just got in from Cebu. ME

Oh - sorry, i just thought he'd be with you. SHE

Hindi pa sya nagtetex since I left Manila, he was asking if I could postpone the trip - I couldn't. Kilala mo naman asawa mo, tamporurut - he haven't texted since. You okay? ME

Better - still coping with the loss. SHE

What loss? ME

HE didn't tell you yet - did he? Shoot. SHE

What's to tell? ME

I miscarried... SHE

Funny really, how SHE and I have gotten into the most casual relationship together - its as if we were friends.

I'm sorry She. ME

I'm sorry too. SHE

We both knew what each was sorry for. There was no need to say anymore -

I was sorry for their loss.

She was sorry for mine.

And I was sorry I couldn't help her bear her burden.

And She was sorry I could never know hers.

-o0o-

He was at my place.

Contrary to the picture that I painted - He was neatly clothed and sober.

Hey you. I said as my arms swung from behind to embrace him.

Hey, you should have texted so I could have picked you up. HE

Its not me who's in need of picking-up... I said.

You know sometimes, I find it weird that SHE can confide in you... HE

Well, we're not laudes for nothing... HE

Yabang o - HE

Hey, seryoso - HOW are you? Me

I'm trying - trying real hard. But there's not a day that the I think that I don't deserve to be a father anymore - yung bata na daw yung hindi malakas ang kapit kaya ganun... Naisip ko, baka naramdaman niya yung circumstances that he would be subjected to when he comes out... I won't lie, when She told me she was expecting, I was happy - the twins are a handful but I don't mind another one. And then She asked me what my plans were - I just told her, there was nothing to change... HE

I felt proud that He would not give me up, but I could only imagine what She felt and that made me ashamed of feeling any pride.

Naisip ko - iniisip kaya niya na he chose me over the baby? My life over the baby's? I couldn't bear the thought. Nagsisisi kaya siya? Did he think na if he chose otherwise, would the baby kept a more firmer grip on She's womb?

I was lost for anything to say - I was feeling guilty. I felt like a third hand trying to pull the baby out...

I guess it was not for us - not yet. HE

She needs you now - hindi ako nagpaparaya - pero you and She share the same loss, you understand the feeling... I'll be here when you get back. ME

Thank you. HE

He left for She that night.

And his words lingered - I guess it was not for us - not yet...

I try hard to make up for the fact that I couldn't give him a child -

GOD! If there was some way - any way - I would have devoted my body to be a guinea pig for some mad science experiment to make me bear a child...

But I know all hope is lost on that - all I can do for now is to fill up whatever empty space He still have except that.

-o0o-

He's home. Thank you.

It was She.