Of Resetting...

2018 started with zero.

I practically have nothing.

And I need to start from scratch.

It's scary for me and I've been thinking - feeling - about it the few days leading to the New Year.

Several realizations came to heart and mind:

1. When you have family - you have everything. I know this in my mind. Now I know it in my heart and my being. When I was at my lowest the whole year last year, my Mamma had one thing to say: "Come home son." And it was all you really needed to hear at that moment.

2. You eventually get to see the people who are there for you when you have nothing. Friends have been paying for my rent, my credits and my other bills. They have been feeding me and buying me stuff (I need and not need just because). They have been booking (and paying) for my Uber rides because my fare wasn't enough. These are just the mundane stuff - the emotional support they have given me throughout last year made the burden a lot lighter.

3. Social Media gives a a false sense of "presence" and a shallow feeling of "belonging-ness." The number of likes, of comments, or of views does not help you in real life - it just fuels an empty bubble that bursts into anxieties and frustrations. So I'm off all social media. I can live without it.

4. Everything is an opportunity. We were attending the 6PM Sunday Service before the Christmas Eve Mass (because nobody wanted to commit to go to the 10PM Mass) and it just hit ME in Church. But just to be clear, I'm never really a religious person - I like to think that I'm more spiritual. So there, kneeling after receiving Communion,  beside my family, I prayed: "Thank you for this pain and this suffering. Because now, I have the opportunity to heal. And this healing is a miracle that not everybody get to experience." I cried in Church for the first time (not counting funerals). From then on, I didn't feel bad about the situation, I felt a sense of privilege that I will get to be healed.

I seldom talk about belief here because, from my background, there can never be an argument on belief - it's the weakest argument. But I guess, Blaise Pascal had some sense when he said: "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

5. Answered prayers do not always come in pretty wrappers and fancy ribbons. This I learned from a colleague. I have always prayed to be able to reset everything and start all over again. And I just realized that the situation I'm in now is exactly what I prayed for. Not what I expected in my mind but nonetheless, something workable. It's not what I WANT, but in direly NEED of - that makes a lot of difference in so many angles.

So yeah, that's me preaching right there. Ima take you to Church sistah for the year! Amen!

Hahahaha! Sorry na agad.

Cheers to an abundant 2018!

Dear 2017...

You've been really tough on me.

I have passed the point of questioning why, of all the people, would it all fall on me - fast and one after another.

I lost mobility for three months because of an awful accident.

I lost a job.

I lost M.

I've been fending for my life for the last three months trying to make ends meet. And accruing credit after credit after credit. I'm practically in deep debt shit.

I know I've been making bad decisions.

Unsound ones.

I know I've been making unsustainable choices.

Decisions I don't want to regret - but starting to.

You've given me the worst I have ever had.

And I find it really hard to pick myself up - there's just too much of a mess of everything.

I'm just really ready to give up.


Yours,

K

--------------
UPDATE 1 (21 Dec. 2017)

I forget sometimes that this is a public blog. Most of the time, when I write here, I just really want a release and to remember key moments in my heart and mind.

So for you, who reads this, thank you for the silent company. We are kindred spirits.

How To Break...

"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.

"Why would it forget?" Mama

We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.

"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME

"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama

"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME

"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama

"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME

"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama

I gave a faint smile.

"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama

"But not love him." ME

"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama

Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.




P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.

Bagets 101...

Remember R?

Well we got into talking over dinner the other day and I asked him how he and B2 lasted that long.

He was quick to qualify what “last” means - it means intermittently seeing each other over a number of years. No relationships. Some expectations. Always bounded by rules.

So I asked him, what exactly are these rules anyway? So here’s a run-down of the things to remember when dealing with bagets. Paraphrased as I remember it.

0. Bagets should not be a minor.

1. You are not the girlfriend. You are not a girl. Period. So you have no business where he’s been or what he’s doing. Huwag kang needy bakla.

2.  Wala ka din dapat paki-alam kung my keme siyang ibang (mga) bakla. Kaya play safe lang lage kasi you don’t know where that’s been.

3. Kung free siya, hindi ka free - no pressure. And vice-versa. And you do not wait for him - if he says he’s coming by 9 PM and he comes in late, do not nag.

4. Trust should never be present (not the condom – although yes, the condom too). Always be on guard on your things.

5. Never dole out without anything in return. Dapat laging may kapalit. Kasi kapag nalaman niyang pwede naman pala yun - lagot ka na.

6.  You should have no care if he takes a private call when you’re together.

7. Do not be social media friends.

8. Ang toka mo lang dapat siya - hindi yung girlfriend niya, anak niya, magulang o mga kapatid niya o yung basketball team nila. Hindi dapat package deal.

Being the frustrated lawyer that he is, he said those 8 rules are GENERAL rules, there is an exemption. 

R says that you will be able to FEEL sincerity, honesty and goodness. Hindi yung binobola ka na lang niya. There will be instances where bagets will prove this. But do not mistake it daw as love. If you feel in your heart that he is true, then give a little trust - this little trust will make the “intermittent seeing each other” last longer.

I gotta love the wisdom of my friends. LOL!

The 3 Loves of Your Life...

Often, we read that we all only have three great loves in our lifetime.

I think I had those three.

The first one, lives up to the craziness of what you see in movies and read in stories. Its the butterfly-in-your-stomach kind of love. But it also makes you a psychotic b*tch because you can’t really edit the bad stuff in real life can you?  It basically destroys all ideas you have on what love and relationships are. You learn from this kind of love and this sets the standard for you.

The second one, learning from the first, is more calculated. You come to think of it as a game: you can’t give more than what he does. Because you don’t want to lose as much as you did the first time.This is selfish and unfair and it makes you bad. And it’s going to be too late when you realise this and you end up losing more anyway.

The third one is unexpected. He is the complete opposite of everything you are. And you bask at how comforting it is to find someone totally different from you but gives you security and waits for you. You fight for this love. You are humbled by this love. But then, you find out, neither of you is growing - going nowhere. And that you can’t really depend on each other, which, is the whole point.

Those are my three.

What they don’t tell us is that the third one may not even last at all. That in the end, you end up alone - single like when you started.

It got me thinking: is three all we ever get?

And if the third doesn’t  work out what are you left with?

Baka yun na yon. You only get three and if none of it work, waley na.

Parang okay na din ako dun - okay na yung tatlo. Hindi na din naman kaya ng puso at isip ko pa.

Siguro nga, I’m destined to live my life alone. And it ain’t so bad - I hope. Empowered naman ako. Highly independent. Kaya ko. 

LOL.

Pero yeah, I’m done with the whole relationship thing.

Okay na din naman ako.

Quota na.

Bagets...

My “gay” circle is very small. Aside from HE, I only have two other close gay friends. 

D is academically accomplished: PhD and all. 

R on the other hand was not able to finish college because he got bored. He works for multiple BPOs (I don’t know how he does it).

We meet like bongga at least once a year to celebrate our birthdays. Although we were born in different years and months, we celebrate together nearing the end of the year because that’s when all our birthdays are “done.”

D was hosting this year. D is your unico hijo who’s living in the ancestral house that nobody wants (because everyone else in his family is perfect abroad with their first-world lives).

ME went there alone.

I was there ahead of R, the door was opened by a twink who showed me to the kitchen where D was.

“Ang lakas maka-PBB Teens ng scholar mo ha.” ME to D

“Hahahahahaha. Naman!” D

“Legal na ba yan?” ME

“Oo naman! Last last month he turned 19 na - so we decided for him to move in na. And yes, 19 - mahirap na.” D

“Hahaha. But WE decided?” ME asked

“He consented - ganun na din un. Hahaha!” D laughed - half convinced of his reply.

“You know how these things work…” D added

“I don’t… How do THESE things work?" ME teased looking at Bagets 1 (Yeah, there’s a Bagets 2, even maybe Bagets 3).

-o0o-

B1 was a scholar in his freshmen year in the University D was teaching. He was D’s student assistant as all scholars were required to put-in time for the administration and faculty.

B1’s scholarship was lost in his sophomore year as his grades didn’t quite hit the mark. He was taking on two jobs and was in-charge of his two young nieces (his Ate went abroad and left the kids to him). D took on the school fees as B1 cannot possibly keep two jobs and take care of the kids. But with B1’s insistence, he got to at least keep one part-time job.

“Nahihiya kasing humingi, gusto niya meron saying sarili.” D explained

B1’s mom was there too but has substance abuse and was living with a “partner” who shares the same “substance.” With the recent war on drugs, B1’s mom (and partner) were “necessary” casualties.

“I insisted on paying the funeral services kasi hindi naman nila kaya. Sabi ko utang muna niya.” D said

B1’s Ate finished her contract overseas, so “they” decided to move-in as the nieces had someone to take care of them.

“Sabi ko nuon, pwede naman kami na mag-alaga para maka-abroad ulit yung ate niya. Pero sabi niya, ano naman daw sasabihin niya sa ate niya kung bakit ako yung mag-aalaga.” D said with just a hint of sadness in his voice.

B1 explains to his family and friends that he is working as a “boy” in a family in one of QC’s subdivisions. That it's the "family" paying for his school.

-o0o-

“THESE things… These relationships. I’m the sponsor, he’s the beneficiary.” D

“So the sponsor gets to decide for everything?” ME probed

“Necessarily, anyone who controls the resource - controls the man.” D

“Or bagets in this case.” ME smiled

“Chaka mo, bakit my interrogation ako? Asan si HE, este M?” D

“M has work bukas. Gaga ka. Hahahaha!” ME

“Anong tawanan ‘to?” It was R - finally

“Ay! Ang aga mo for next year ‘te.” D

“Hindi na kayo nasanay. Hinintay ko pa ‘to eh.” R pointing to Bagets 2

“Good evening po sir.” B2

“Si B2 pala, kapitbahay ko. Si ME at D - mga kaibigan ko since birth.” R

ME and D both waved to B2.

“Bago?” ME asked R

“Luma. Hahahaha. Ano ba.” R flirted

“K” ME and D said in unison rolling our eyes

“Asan si HE?” R asked

“Ewan - tanungin mo siya.” ME replied

“M kasi 'te. M. Hahaha!” D replied

“Ay. I forgot. Sorry na 'te. Hahaha. Asan si M?” R

“Nag-usap ba kayong dalawa? Kakaloka. Hahaha. M has work early tomorrow - yun na, last na ha.” ME

“K” D and R also said in unison - smirking

“Bigay mo kay B2 - legal na bang uminom yan?” D giving a bottle of beer to R

“Importante ba yun? Hahaha!” R 

“Ayoko ng eskandalo o pulis ‘te.” D 

“Hahaha. B2 is 20.” R

“Patingin ng birth certificate.” ME said to B2

“Hehehe. 20 na po ako sir - 21 na nga po next week.” B2

“Grabe kayo sa akin. Hahaha!” R

-o0o-

B2 recently became a father. Pregnancy and birthing  package care of R. They have known each other for over 7 years (as they were neighbours).

B2 was introduced to R by a basketball teammate and they hit it off.

“Yung teammate niya talaga yung keme ko pero nagka-girlfriend kaya ayaw niya daw muna kaya sinama niya yang si B2. Substitute niya daw. Ang cute noh - pati sa keme parang basketball pa din. Hahaha!” R

He did not finish high school as he had to work like the rest of his family. He only has basketball as refuge from all the opportunities he had lost.

“Alam niyo naman yang area ko - Slum Republic. Banat-buto, tapos inom, tapos basketball tapos repeat hanggang makabuntis. Tapos kapag one year old na yung bata - repeat cycle ulit. Hahaha!” R

-o0o-

B1 and B2 were in-charge of the dishes. Actually B1 was, it was a domestic set-up he and D agreed on but B2 offered his help.

All three of us were smoking outside, doning a glass of whiskey each.

“Cute niyong dalawa.” ME said

R and D looked at ME.

“Tignan niyo mga bagets niyo - sisipag. Hahahaha!” ME continued

“Tsye! Mas okay na sila - sumusunod. Hindi ko na kaya ang stress ng relationships - at least kay bagets, kapag sinabi kong hindi - hindi, kung oo - oo. Simple lang lahat.” R

“And yes, power-relation siya. And I’d like to have the upper hand.” D

“R, eh pamilyado na yan. Saka D, until when?” ME

“Its a consequence naman with any straight guy eh. Pero ako din naman lalapitan niyan kapag nangangailangan.” R

“Until he leaves me. Pero sana kahit empowered na siya on his own, he, somehow, I am hoping, he stays because he loves me din pala. Ganun! That’s at least the story in my head.” D

“Ewan ko kung matutuwa ako kasi my friends are eternally hopeless unconditional lovers or to feel bad kasi tanga niyo lang sa mga ganito.” ME

“Oi, its not all unconditional. Hahahaha! Huwag magmalinis ’te.” R to D

“Hahaha. Tsye! Its the only currency they know. I mean, di ba, how else? Pero bonus na lang naman yun - it’s the company. Its being responsible for someone.” D

“O, etong corona ‘te.” R placing an invisible crown to D’s head and D eventually holding the crown in place.

All of us were laughing - we are eternal Miss Universe fans (who isn't?).

“Eh how is this different from rent boys kung ganun?” ME

“Ay ang bastos! Hahahaha!” R

“May relasyon - hindi lang transaksyon.” D

“Pwedeng motivational quote yan tapos si DJ Durano yung background!” R

We all laughed in unison again.

“So it’s really control and power ganun.” ME

“Yes, for me.” D

“Ako, mukhang ako yung kinokontrol at yung ginagamitan ng power. Hahahaha. Ma-bola eh, basketball player kasi. Nadadala naman ako.” R

“Just, take care of yourselves, you know how these things end. Yan lang sa akin - be cautious.” ME

We all cheered to that.

At the distance, B1 and B2 were now singing THAT Gary V. song:

Kung wala ka ng maintindihan

Kung wala ka ng makapitan

Kapit ka sa akin kapit ka sa akin

Hindi kita bibitawan

Charot ko lang yung song. But they were really singing.

-o0o-

I won't be the judge of my friends.

So here’s to whoever you decide to love!

Paano ba sukatin ang sapat?

Sabi ni M hindi sapat yung pinakilala ko siya sa mga kaibigan ko, sa trabaho ko at higit sa lahat, sa pamilya ko.

Kulang yun para sa kanya para masabing mahal ko siya.

Naghahanap siya ng kilig.

Sabi niya itigil muna namin, kapag na-miss niya ako ibig sabihin mahal niya nga ako.

Kapag hindi - hindi.

-o0o-

I am not enough for M.

The things I do are not enough.

Tama naman siya - kulang ako sa panahon, sa lambing, sa pagsuyo.

I am not exactly the sweetest or the most thoughtful.

I barely show how much I  have come to love him.

Tama naman siya - kulang na kulang ako.

Pero M, ikaw, kahit wala kang gawin sapat na sapat ka na sa akin - sobra sobra pa madalas.

Pasensiya na hindi sapat iyon para maging sapat ako sa iyo.

-o0o-

If this is a phase M has to go through, I'll let him go through it.

It's just that the manner of M saying that our relationship will be based on whether or not he misses ME like he's the only one that matters in all this, saddens me to the core.

I know no other way of loving someone. What I do for M, what I am - that is all I have to give.

Here's to hoping that I am enough.