I thought...

...I was okay - but i'm not.

My heart crumbles everyday - like it was being deprived of air.

I can't bear it.

I started sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't be reminded of the empty space beside my bed - but the bed's still there...

I rid of all your things but then, I open the freezer and your bacon and SML and leche flan are there.

Every inch of me screams you and I can't muster enough energy anymore to pretend  to be okay.

I'm a mess.

Beachy New Year...

Sand and sun...

Just what I need to usher in the new year...

Hello Gomorrah!

Err... White Beach pala!

Wink!

Surviving Christmas...

I did.

HE and ME were mostly apart during Holidays (except for that Valentines Day together) so I made it through Christmas - alive and intact.

Look Ma - no tears. I amused myself in the mirror.

-o0o-

SHE called in the morning. I spoke with the twins.

Adorable still.

They said "Merry Christmas Tito!" in unison with SHE counting on the background.

SHE came by too to drop some (much-needed) mojos from Shakey's - that made my day.

I'm not your charity case you know. ME

Loca. This is not charity. SHE

Eh ano? Damage control for HE? ME

Ayaw mo? SHE

Gusto. Gusto. Shu-shut up na. ME

Hey - this is what friends do. HE or no HE. SHE

Thanks friend. ME

SHE smiled.

-o0o-

And i'm moving out of the apartment this January.

ME needs a new start.

I can't battle with every memory in every corner everyday - that would drive me insane.

Don't have any idea where yet - but ME's definite on moving.

-o0o-

And speaking of moving - I forgot already how to date.

I'm old and nearly washed-up and I don't have the energy for a cat-and-mouse chase again.

Sigh.

-o0o-

And HE called too.

ME answered his call.

You okay? HE

I don't think you have the right to ask that yet. ME obviously and overtly bitter.

I'm sorry. HE

Aren't we all? ME sounding a little like Elizabeth Taylor - diamonds and all.

Sige, I'll just call when things are more okay. I just wanted to say happy holidays. HE

Ok. ME as I ended the call.

ME don't know what to make of that call but its going to be a new year and ME needs to move...

-o0o-

Here's to brighter days ahead.

Iron Lady...

SHE came.

Like the first time she insisted that we meet - SHE wouldn't take NO for an answer.

-o0o-

It won't go away. SHE

ME stared at her.

That feeling - yung betrayal and hate. It won't go away. SHE

You hate HE for US? ME

Yes. Even after I got to know you. I hated his guts. SHE

Why are you telling me this SHE. ME

Because I want to rub salt on your wound... I so want to tell you na yan, buti nga sayo p*ta ka! Eh di naramdaman mo yung naramdamn ko dati? SHE

I was looking at her.

P*tang *na mo rin! ME

Our eyes met.

Then we both laughed.

Its not something you did. You have to believe that. Ganun lang talaga siya. SHE

I don't want to hate HE. ME

You don't have to. Love him more now for all I care pero you and I both know that its time now to look forward. SHE

How do you do that? ME

To each his own. I had the twins then. SHE

I don't have anybody. ME

G*go. Eh ano tawag mo sa akin? And the twins? You know they like you because you spoil them rotten when i'm not looking. SHE

I smiled.

And HE - we have HE. Not in the same way but I trust, learning from me, that you know you have HE. SHE

Somehow... ME

-o00-

I admire SHE more now.

Bobo lang...

Sana bobo na lang ako.

I would be so irrational that I would blame everyone else around me for putting me in a position that I now find myself in...

-o0o-

Ang hirap lang.

I'm trying to argue with me that I very well  know everything will lead to nothing while on the other hand, I want to blame the world and play victim for what happened...

-o0o-

Its just altogether frustrating.

I feel like bursting into anger and hate but I know I can't because my rational side says I deserve all that's happening... That I am responsible for all this...

-o0o-

Sigh.

I would give up one day of my life for me to just be able to convince myself that its not my fault and that i'm not to blame for feeling what I am feeling... (No, don't take this as a suicidal statement. Shoot, there's that rationality again...)

Over...

It sounds so final.

Over.

I've just been attempting to cope for the past month.

Sabi ko kahit malampasan ko lang denial - mas magiging okay na ako.

I want to rant about it and say how hurtful and painful it all is.

Pero I can't do that kasi I know that at the back of my mind, I have always been an option - dispensable.

Now I feel angry.

With ME more than anyone.

Singapura!

In SG til oct. 3!

Hit me with PLU whens, hows, and how muchs!

Hehe.

Where the boys at?