Musings of the Old...

I'm spent.

My body, mind, and soul are depleted. Or at least it feels like that.

I have never felt so alone and lonely during the past year with the pandemic and all.

Literally, what I have felt all my life, was physically manifested and it was scary: to live the rest of my life  in constant alone-ness. 

-o0o-

The mother and the baby are fine. Home delivery kasi hirap ang hospitals ngayon. Mabuti may kumadrona sa community. SHE reported. ME was silent.

That was late last year. I was just relieved that the networks of SHE were efficient. For ME, that was the last act that I can muster to do for N.

What about N? SHE asked.

I'm sure he can find another gay man and he has his wife. I am but always "among the others" SHE. ME admitted what I have been thinking with all of the men.

And I should know better. SHE remarked.

You're different, you know that. I will never put you in the same light as I would put them. ME said as if I was directly looking at SHE.

Good. I just wanted to validate. I can hear SHE smirk over the phone.

I would be in the gutter if not for you - you are my eternal love SHE. ME replied.

And you mine. SHE quickly answered.

-o0o-

Perhaps HE and SHE was the last genuine relationship I would have ever have.

Perhaps I was not meant to find a love over and beyond the benefactor role.

Perhaps I don't deserve to.

All these "perhaps" are everyday anxieties I had to overcome because I had work to do, because I needed to live, because I needed to not fail in other things.

-o0o-

Pasabi naman po kay N na kailangan magpa-check up yung baby. It was a text.

M? ME texted back.

Opo Sir. Mag-3 buwan na po kasing di umuuwi si N. Alam ko naman po na jan sa pumupunta. M replied

My heart melted. N has not been with me since THAT day in April.

M, sorry, hindi ko na nakita si N since last year. ME

Ganun po ba - alam nyo po ba kung nasan sya? M

Sorry M - hindi ko alam. Text mo si B2 baka alam niya. ME

That was the last text I sent - there would NOT be any point in the communication and honestly - I would not want to re-involve myself in their lives. I have that much courage now. Come to think of it,  I didn't even ask anymore how M got a hold of my number. 

I'm done - that much I know.

-o0o-

But what's next for an old gay man?

What is there to live for?

Work? Promotion? A new house? A car?

All these are material.

But what do I have to live for now when I have been so used to living for others? 

It sounds altruistic, but trust me, it's not.

No one needs me now. There's always someones else that can provide something more - give something more. Who doesn't nag and who can spare any amount. Is this not the reality we face when we fall in love with straight men? Or that's just me.

-o0o-

Siguro this is how it is when you're old - you spent most of your days asking questions and going through the past over and over wishing it will have a different ending.

This much I know, what's amazing (and also cruel) about age is that hope always seem to manage staying behind. A little less than when you were young, but always a little more to help you survive daily.

I don't know what I'm hopeful for. But I'm hopeful.

Today, this thought is enough to survive.

Same Pain (If Not Worse)...

Akong pupunta. SHE

I was quiet.

Alam ko yung lugar, may project kami dun. Leave things to me. SHE continued

You can't. I said in a cracked voice.

Anong I can't? Kilala kita - this is killing you. SHE was angry

-o0o-

Buntis ako. The text read.

I mistook N's phone for mine. I took out an extension of my mobile plan for N so he doesn't have to worry about load.

Pag tinanong niya sabihin mo bigay na incentive sa trabaho mo. I remember telling N

Uwi ka agad kung pwde - samahan mo ako sa doktor. The text further said.

I quickly deleted it.

-o0o-

The thud in the door was unbearable.

What was it? 3:00 am? Who in the hell?

You don't pick up the phone for ages. You suddenly ignore everyone. Ano 'to?! Ha?! You don't care na others worry about you?! SHE was shouting and she was not even inside the house.

I looked at SHE and left the door open for her.

I took the bottle of beer that's already open and took a jug.

SHE seated beside me. A bottle of beer already open in her hand.

Talk to me. SHE

-o0o-

Wala naman akong tinago ah! Alam mo lahat! Ikaw pa nga yung nagsabi di ba? Sinabi mong huwag ko siyang hihiwalayan? N was talking at the top of his voice.

Marinig ka ng mga nasa kabilang unit. I said through my teeth.

Eh ano to? N was pointing at the bag of his clothes on the table.

Hindi ko pala kaya. I replied.

Gago ka ba?! N was shouting.

I just looked at N.

Wala akong tinago. Alam mo lahat. Di ba yun naman gusto mo?! Hindi mo na kaya?! Eh gago ka pala eh - sabi ko naman iiwan ko na siya. N continued

Buntis siya. I said softly.

-o0o-

Ang bata niya. SHE started.

And she's struggling. With the pregnancy and all. SHE was slow at talking - trying to find words that would be appropriate.

But you know all these already. SHE was squeezing my hand.

What to do now? SHE asked softly.

I was quiet.

-o0o-

I don't know what I was thinking.

That they're not having s*x while they're together?

Did I expect N to be at least that faithful?

Alam ko naman N was in a common-law relationship. That N was in the Metro for work to sustain his family - N had one kid then.

And it should have not come as a surprise since he was with her on most weekends.

-o0o-

I'll talk with the OB I know dun- she'll take care of her at least until she gives birth. SHE

I just kept looking at the bottle of beer.

Until then, you should stay with us. SHE offered.

I was still quiet.

Time to start picking up the pieces again. This is what we do. And what we have done. SHE

I was the fighting tears.

Tapos na. Tapos na 'to. SHE put me in a tight embrace and I just cried my heart out.

-o0o-

Kailangan ka niya. ME

N was was quiet now.

Andiyan na lahat ng kailangan mo. Mas makakabuti sa kanya kung dun ka muna. ME added

Babalik ba ako? N asked

ME was quite.

Tapos na. Tapos na 'to. ME mustered to say.

Same Familiar Feeling...

I woke up to the crackling sound of oil on a skillet.

I put on my glasses and went straight to the kitchen.

Sorry ser, nagising ka ata. Kinuha ko na lang yung pwedeng maluto sa ref - pasensya na po hindi na ako nagpaalam, ayaw po kitang gisingin. N

I just smiled.

Okay lang ba 'to ser? Ako na lang po magluluto ngayon saka kung gusto niyo pong magpalinis. N

Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin yan. ME

Eto lang po alam kong gawin para makabawi eh. N

Bumawi saan? ME

Sa pagpapatulog sa akin dito. N

Parang wala naman akong choice kagabi. ME

N just smiled and went on to fry the sausages, egg and the left over rice.

-o0o-

Oy! Visayas tayo - we'll meet you there by 10-ish. ME was with R on the phone.

I have work tomorrow. ME

So? When did that ever stop you? Hahahaha. R

Leche! Ewan ko, finishing something - let me see later. ME

Arte! See you! R hang up.

-o0o-

Gusto mong kape? Nagkakape ka ba? ME asked N

Opo. Salamat ser. N

I took out two sachets and poured them into hot water. Stirred them then offered one to N.

Yosi lang ako. ME

Puwede bang maki-hit ser? N

Oo naman, kaso sa balcony tayo - no smoking dito sa loob e. ME

Opo. N

We were on the balcony with a stick of Blues each. N lit the cigarette for ME.

Bakit ang dali mong malasing kagabi, lakas mo namann uminom nung fiesta ah. ME to N

Wala lang sa kondisyon ser - puyat lang din kasi sa trabaho. N

Oh, eh bakit di ka na lang nagpahinga kagabi? ME

Hindi naman madalas ser eh. Ska sabi ni Kuya R, bibihira ka lang daw makasama sa mga ganun. N

ME took a sip of coffee. ME was silent until the cigarette was finished.

-o0o-

Ang tagal mo! R immediately commented as I took a seat opposite him.

I told you I had to finish something. Oy, B2, musta? ME said to B2 sitting beside R.

Ayos lang po. Tagay mo na po agad. B2 said as he handed me a shot glass with some kind of blue concoction in it.

Agad-agad naman. Walang nang patumpik-tumpik. Hahaha. ME.

Ay friend, ikaw lang naman mahilig sa patumpi-tumpik. R

ME just gave R the "eye" and drank whatever the blue thing was. It was okay-tasting considering the color.

Masarap ser noh? It was N. He sat right beside ME.

Oy, kanina ka pa? ME

Opo, nag-CR lang. N

I gave R the "eye" again.

-o0o-

Kain na tayo ser. N said when he finished his cigarette. We were still on the balcony and the street below was starting to get busy.

Sige-sige, mukhang mahusay kang magprito. Hahaha. ME

Ay ser, mahusay talaga ako. N was teasing

Wala ka bang pasok ngayon? ME was trying to change the subject.

Meron po. Makikiligo lang sana ako ser tpos aalis na din - direcho na sa trabaho. N

Sige-sige. Bilisan mo baka ma-late ka pa. ME

We ate, had another cigarette, and then N took to the bathroom for a bath.

-o0o-

Into the night, and on our second pitcher of the blue concoction, our conversations become rowdier.

Basta ako, masaya lang. Living in the moment. R was declaring

Yan naman talaga dapat - wala naman tayong magagawa sa past and future. B2 added.

Isang future lang naman inaasam ko eh. It was N.

Ano yun? R asked.

N look at me.

Yung kasama ka. N finally said.

P*ta 'tol - hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Hahaha. B2

Ay o! May pa-damoves agad sa'yo friend. Hahahaha. R

I just laughed. N tapped by knees and said - Huwag kang mapipikopn ah.

Hahaha. Sige lang - sanay ako sa bola. ME

Basketball lang binobola ko 'kala mo. N

Shumat ka na lang kaya. ME offering my shot to N.

Pero kami mauuna na kasi may biyahe pa ako in 2 hours. Kayo na bahala diyan. R

Una na kami 'tol. B2 said to N

It felt planned. It was planned. LOL.

Ubusin lang natin 'to ser tapos hatid ko na po kayo baka meron pa kayong gagawin bukas. N

ME just smiled.

-o0o-

Ser! Ser! It was N shouting from the bathroom.

Yep? ME

Tuwalya po pala. N Said.

ME went to get fresh towels to give to N. The bathroom door was half open. N was inside showering. I slowly placed the towel on the knob and tried to close it.

Abot mo na lang. N noticed ME at the door.

ME handed him the towel.

N handed me some...

This, ito, ngayon lang 'to. ME was saying between kisses.

Kaya sulitin na natin. N replied.

And I went down the drain after that.

Same Time Last Year...

R invited us (me and D) to come over about the same time last year to his place. It was Sto. Niño's feast and it was tradition that he celebrates - even though R was practically agnostic.

I never really obliged because it was faaarrrrrr. But since we were not able to meet last year for the group birthday celeb, D and I agreed to go.

We were already there before lunch to help R out on the preps. He had pancit, chicken, salad and biko (I swear he makes the best kakanin!). ME brought the cake and D brought brandy which R immediately commented as "Kulang yan, pupunta buong team" followed by the gayest "Hahahahahaha" I've heard.

Anong buong team? D asked

Si B2, nagsabing pupunta sila ng mga kasama niya. R explained.

No! This is not going to be a Fraternity X night! ME shouted.

'To naman, ang linis linis mo! R shouted back. Eh kung may gusto kayo eh di go, kung wala eh 'di wala! Hahahaha. R added

Ang lakas mong maka-bugaw noh? Hahahaha. D also laughed.

Pero hindi nga, pupunta din sila Nanay at si Kuya tapos si Aling Rosa sa kabila - it's not just us. Kala niyo sa 'kin?! Hahahahahaha. R said in his defense.

I and ME just looked at him with raised eyebrows and an "Ah uhm."

We all laughed.

-o0o-

It was a riot when R's family came - complete with the nieces running around, scraping their knees then back to running. And boy oh boy were they hungry. Hahahahaha.

I'm just glad there was some more barbecue after they left.

So there I was, grilling pork by the garage when B2 arrived with the "team." He opened the gate with familiarity and let himself and his friends in.

Happy fiesta po. He greeted when he saw me.

Happy fiesta sir. Said the rest.

I just smiled. Si R nasa kusina lang. May pagkain pa sa loob - kayo na bahala. ME said.

Opo. B2 said and ushered his friends inside.

Hindi siya nagbibiro nung sinabi niyang buong team. Hahahaha. D whispered when he came to me outside.

Oy, oy! May B1 ka na. San pala yun? Bakti di mo sinama? ME asked D.

Nasa probinsya pa yun. Sem's not started yet. D replied as he gave me glass of the brandy he brought.

Si R? I asked.

Yun, sa loob. Nagpapaka-mamasan. Hahahaha. D answered.

And true enough R was being the perfect host - like a wife when the husband's work colleagues come to visit their home. Or like a day care nanny. Hahahaha.

I have never really seen this side of R before. Hahaha. I commented to D.

Di ba? Lakas maka-asawa ng lola mo. Or pwede ding yaya. D read my thought.

Inggit lang kayo. It was R, out to get some barbecue from ME.

'Te, okay na ako. Quota na. Hahaha. ME said.

Weh? Talaga lang ba? Si N, tinatanong pangalan mo. Sasabihin ko ba? R was grinning.

Sinong N? D asked.

Huwag pahalata. Yung naka plain black shirt na kalbo. R described N.

Not interested. ME said.

He's looking o! D silently exclaimed.

At that time, really, ME was genuinely not interested. ME was more focused on the grilling of pork.

-o0o-

Ako na lang sir magtuloy niyan, kanina ka pa nagluluto eh. It was N.

Okay lang ako. Gusto kong may ginagawa. Pero salamat sa offer. ME

N went back inside.

Ayaw mo talaga? R asked.

Ayaw ang alin? ME was playing innocent.

Virgin 'te? R replied

Bakit mo ba pinipilit? Nag-down ka na ba diyan? Hahahaha. ME

Tsye! Nabanggit lang kita last time they were here. R

They're always here I bet. Hahaha. Paanong nabanggit? ME

Kasi sabi niya last time baka daw may "kagaya" ako, baka puwede ko daw bang ipakilala sa kanya. R

I just looked at R.

Alam mo na, benefactor to put it bluntly. Hindi naman pwede si D kasi may B1 na yun. Ikaw yung libre sa 'tin. Ikaw yung malungkot at walang pinagkakagastusan. Hahahahaha! R added.

I-barbecue kita gusto mo? ME threatening R with a barbecue stick.

Saka sinong may sabing malungkot ako? Okay akong mag-isa. Kaya ko. Empowered ako. ME

R just looked at ME.

At mahirap ako! Maraming gastusin! Hahahaha. ME added

I'm not your friend for nothing. I know. I see. I feel you're lonely friend. R

And kaysa you go on occasional paid sex or hook-ups, ito constant. R added like telemarketer selling me a set of knives.

Constant hanggang may nabibigay ka. ME rebutted

Eh may binibigay din naman siya. Quits kayo. R in his defense

I know you mean well. But that's you and D's thing. Isa pa, I don't know how to play this game. I'll end up losing eventually. ME

This is not about something deeper than what it is. You support him, he gives you great s*x and treat you like a girlfriend. That's it. Is love needed? No. But I tell you friend, there will be care and if you're lucky - loyalty. And with who we are now, these are all that matters. R

I gave a faint smile.

This is the only way I know how to look after you. And know that I only mean the best - based sa experience ko with B2. R said as he hugged me.

Alam ko friend. It's just that, I don't want to be the gay that boys or men treat and look at like an ATM. ME said carelessly.

Aray. Preno ka naman. R

You know what I mean - I'm okay with whatever it is so long as it's not me. ME clarified

I support B2. And B2 gives me the support that no money can buy. Hirap i-explain kaya nga nire-reto kita. Mukhang gamitan yung relasyon namin - at gamitan naman talaga pero there's something there that's just hard to explain. That something has been what kept me sane for these past years. R

Friend, I'm good. And i love you for being a bugaw for me. Hahaha. It's just not for me at this point. ME

-o0o-

Looking back at that day now and recounting the conversation I had with R makes me want to slap myself for not sticking with the things I said.

I'm so inconsistent that way.

But yes, everything R said was foretelling.

Same Old Place...

"Nasa Laguna ako, kasama ko mag-ina ko." 

And with one text, I'm back to the place I have struggled so hard to leave.

Sometimes, I feel like there's a permanently marked sign on my forehead that says: Pumapatol sa pamilyado. Welcome, please come in.

I don't plan these things - though I'm guilty on ignoring the red flags.

I prolong finding out the truth because I get lost in a dream and the promise of a future.

Alam ko ilusyanada ako.

Perhaps, after everything, illusion is all I have left.

So yeah, what a way to break a blogging hiatus.

On Casual Crushing...

How hard is it to pretend that you are not aware that I'm looking at you?
If stares could pierce like laser eyes - you'd be a gazillion atoms dispersed by now.
You don't have to play power with me - I submit to you entirely.
You have both my eyes, my stare, my gaze.
Even when I'm not looking - I am.
Even if I become blind this instant - it would be your face that'd appear in the nothingness.

You can't ignore me anyway - I am forcing my presence strongly.
I am also humiliating myself.
Why are you teasing me with your nonchalant feigning?
The casual biting of the lip.
The wetting of your upper lip by your tongue.

You talking with a guy on your right has evoked in me insurmountable jealousy.
You're mocking my flirting - I am once again humiliated.
But also glad - happy - that you notice me.
Or perhaps you noticing is just in my head.

I envy the girl you winked at from across the room.
I know (hope) that she's only a friend.
I hope I was a friend too.

On A Lost Conversation...

I envy that you still feel that. SHE

Feel what? ME

That excruciating squeeze in your heart when someone hurts you. SHE replied.

ME was at SHE's over the weekend. We were supposed to attempt to make home-made ensaymada but ended up folding the laundry instead.

I wish I didn't. ME said.

Don't say that. You're lucky you know. SHE

Expound. ME challenged SHE

To feel the pain is a gift. At least that's how I see it. It's a gift because that sprang from a special place. It means you still love with a heart that's not been numbed by all the previous hurt you had to go through. Or that you have such a big heart that all the scars could not possibly cover the enormity of your heart's size. It means you're human and you're living. And that you can still love like nothing matters - like you can still lose the world for someone. SHE said with a hint of longing in her voice.

ME just looked at SHE.

SHE looked back. In her eyes was genuine envy.







P.S.

I had this somewhere in my draft files from last year. The "hurt" was from being lied to and giving that person a chance to say the truth but lied anyway.

Of Resetting...

2018 started with zero.

I practically have nothing.

And I need to start from scratch.

It's scary for me and I've been thinking - feeling - about it the few days leading to the New Year.

Several realizations came to heart and mind:

1. When you have family - you have everything. I know this in my mind. Now I know it in my heart and my being. When I was at my lowest the whole year last year, my Mamma had one thing to say: "Come home son." And it was all you really needed to hear at that moment.

2. You eventually get to see the people who are there for you when you have nothing. Friends have been paying for my rent, my credits and my other bills. They have been feeding me and buying me stuff (I need and not need just because). They have been booking (and paying) for my Uber rides because my fare wasn't enough. These are just the mundane stuff - the emotional support they have given me throughout last year made the burden a lot lighter.

3. Social Media gives a a false sense of "presence" and a shallow feeling of "belonging-ness." The number of likes, of comments, or of views does not help you in real life - it just fuels an empty bubble that bursts into anxieties and frustrations. So I'm off all social media. I can live without it.

4. Everything is an opportunity. We were attending the 6PM Sunday Service before the Christmas Eve Mass (because nobody wanted to commit to go to the 10PM Mass) and it just hit ME in Church. But just to be clear, I'm never really a religious person - I like to think that I'm more spiritual. So there, kneeling after receiving Communion,  beside my family, I prayed: "Thank you for this pain and this suffering. Because now, I have the opportunity to heal. And this healing is a miracle that not everybody get to experience." I cried in Church for the first time (not counting funerals). From then on, I didn't feel bad about the situation, I felt a sense of privilege that I will get to be healed.

I seldom talk about belief here because, from my background, there can never be an argument on belief - it's the weakest argument. But I guess, Blaise Pascal had some sense when he said: "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

5. Answered prayers do not always come in pretty wrappers and fancy ribbons. This I learned from a colleague. I have always prayed to be able to reset everything and start all over again. And I just realized that the situation I'm in now is exactly what I prayed for. Not what I expected in my mind but nonetheless, something workable. It's not what I WANT, but in direly NEED of - that makes a lot of difference in so many angles.

So yeah, that's me preaching right there. Ima take you to Church sistah for the year! Amen!

Hahahaha! Sorry na agad.

Cheers to an abundant 2018!

Dear 2017...

You've been really tough on me.

I have passed the point of questioning why, of all the people, would it all fall on me - fast and one after another.

I lost mobility for three months because of an awful accident.

I lost a job.

I lost M.

I've been fending for my life for the last three months trying to make ends meet. And accruing credit after credit after credit. I'm practically in deep debt shit.

I know I've been making bad decisions.

Unsound ones.

I know I've been making unsustainable choices.

Decisions I don't want to regret - but starting to.

You've given me the worst I have ever had.

And I find it really hard to pick myself up - there's just too much of a mess of everything.

I'm just really ready to give up.


Yours,

K

--------------
UPDATE 1 (21 Dec. 2017)

I forget sometimes that this is a public blog. Most of the time, when I write here, I just really want a release and to remember key moments in my heart and mind.

So for you, who reads this, thank you for the silent company. We are kindred spirits.

How To Break...

"I think my heart forgot how to break." ME blurted out.

"Why would it forget?" Mama

We were in the kitchen. I was doing the dishes and Mama was Pyrex-ing the left over from our Mother's Day lunch.

"I don't know. It's unlike that time with HE, it doesn't feel painful." ME

"Anak, the heart knows exactly what it needs. Don't strain it to break if it's not what it needs right now. And don't pressure yourself to hurt too. Maybe you didn't love him as much as you thought you did - that's okay. You gave it a chance and I know how big that is for you." Mama

"I feel like a bad person for not hurting as much Ma." ME

"Perhaps you had let go even before you actually did. Don't think you're a bad person because of it. This is your reflex from a ton of heartaches in the past - which I also contributed to." Mama

"Thanks Ma. I know you're trying to make me feel better. I did give you a couple of heartaches din naman. Quits na tayo dun. It just feels like I'm betraying M." ME

"If there's anyone you should think of not betraying, it should be you." Mama

I gave a faint smile.

"Hey son, the fact that you're still thinking of of M means you care for him." Mama

"But not love him." ME

"Love is a loose concept son - you know that by now. It doesn't mean that all love is the same. It also doesn't mean that if you love HE differently than M, that it's not special too. Talaga naman that we don't love the same way twice - but it's still love son. Love is love and they're all equally important." Mama

Mama gave me a tight hug. And I knew, of all the things - this, right here, is what I needed the most. This is all I need. She's all I'll always need.




P.S. Belated Happy Mama's Day to your mom/s. Whoever you are that's reading this.

Bagets 101...

Remember R?

Well we got into talking over dinner the other day and I asked him how he and B2 lasted that long.

He was quick to qualify what “last” means - it means intermittently seeing each other over a number of years. No relationships. Some expectations. Always bounded by rules.

So I asked him, what exactly are these rules anyway? So here’s a run-down of the things to remember when dealing with bagets. Paraphrased as I remember it.

0. Bagets should not be a minor.

1. You are not the girlfriend. You are not a girl. Period. So you have no business where he’s been or what he’s doing. Huwag kang needy bakla.

2.  Wala ka din dapat paki-alam kung my keme siyang ibang (mga) bakla. Kaya play safe lang lage kasi you don’t know where that’s been.

3. Kung free siya, hindi ka free - no pressure. And vice-versa. And you do not wait for him - if he says he’s coming by 9 PM and he comes in late, do not nag.

4. Trust should never be present (not the condom – although yes, the condom too). Always be on guard on your things.

5. Never dole out without anything in return. Dapat laging may kapalit. Kasi kapag nalaman niyang pwede naman pala yun - lagot ka na.

6.  You should have no care if he takes a private call when you’re together.

7. Do not be social media friends.

8. Ang toka mo lang dapat siya - hindi yung girlfriend niya, anak niya, magulang o mga kapatid niya o yung basketball team nila. Hindi dapat package deal.

Being the frustrated lawyer that he is, he said those 8 rules are GENERAL rules, there is an exemption. 

R says that you will be able to FEEL sincerity, honesty and goodness. Hindi yung binobola ka na lang niya. There will be instances where bagets will prove this. But do not mistake it daw as love. If you feel in your heart that he is true, then give a little trust - this little trust will make the “intermittent seeing each other” last longer.

I gotta love the wisdom of my friends. LOL!

The 3 Loves of Your Life...

Often, we read that we all only have three great loves in our lifetime.

I think I had those three.

The first one, lives up to the craziness of what you see in movies and read in stories. Its the butterfly-in-your-stomach kind of love. But it also makes you a psychotic b*tch because you can’t really edit the bad stuff in real life can you?  It basically destroys all ideas you have on what love and relationships are. You learn from this kind of love and this sets the standard for you.

The second one, learning from the first, is more calculated. You come to think of it as a game: you can’t give more than what he does. Because you don’t want to lose as much as you did the first time.This is selfish and unfair and it makes you bad. And it’s going to be too late when you realise this and you end up losing more anyway.

The third one is unexpected. He is the complete opposite of everything you are. And you bask at how comforting it is to find someone totally different from you but gives you security and waits for you. You fight for this love. You are humbled by this love. But then, you find out, neither of you is growing - going nowhere. And that you can’t really depend on each other, which, is the whole point.

Those are my three.

What they don’t tell us is that the third one may not even last at all. That in the end, you end up alone - single like when you started.

It got me thinking: is three all we ever get?

And if the third doesn’t  work out what are you left with?

Baka yun na yon. You only get three and if none of it work, waley na.

Parang okay na din ako dun - okay na yung tatlo. Hindi na din naman kaya ng puso at isip ko pa.

Siguro nga, I’m destined to live my life alone. And it ain’t so bad - I hope. Empowered naman ako. Highly independent. Kaya ko. 

LOL.

Pero yeah, I’m done with the whole relationship thing.

Okay na din naman ako.

Quota na.

Bagets...

My “gay” circle is very small. Aside from HE, I only have two other close gay friends. 

D is academically accomplished: PhD and all. 

R on the other hand was not able to finish college because he got bored. He works for multiple BPOs (I don’t know how he does it).

We meet like bongga at least once a year to celebrate our birthdays. Although we were born in different years and months, we celebrate together nearing the end of the year because that’s when all our birthdays are “done.”

D was hosting this year. D is your unico hijo who’s living in the ancestral house that nobody wants (because everyone else in his family is perfect abroad with their first-world lives).

ME went there alone.

I was there ahead of R, the door was opened by a twink who showed me to the kitchen where D was.

“Ang lakas maka-PBB Teens ng scholar mo ha.” ME to D

“Hahahahahaha. Naman!” D

“Legal na ba yan?” ME

“Oo naman! Last last month he turned 19 na - so we decided for him to move in na. And yes, 19 - mahirap na.” D

“Hahaha. But WE decided?” ME asked

“He consented - ganun na din un. Hahaha!” D laughed - half convinced of his reply.

“You know how these things work…” D added

“I don’t… How do THESE things work?" ME teased looking at Bagets 1 (Yeah, there’s a Bagets 2, even maybe Bagets 3).

-o0o-

B1 was a scholar in his freshmen year in the University D was teaching. He was D’s student assistant as all scholars were required to put-in time for the administration and faculty.

B1’s scholarship was lost in his sophomore year as his grades didn’t quite hit the mark. He was taking on two jobs and was in-charge of his two young nieces (his Ate went abroad and left the kids to him). D took on the school fees as B1 cannot possibly keep two jobs and take care of the kids. But with B1’s insistence, he got to at least keep one part-time job.

“Nahihiya kasing humingi, gusto niya meron saying sarili.” D explained

B1’s mom was there too but has substance abuse and was living with a “partner” who shares the same “substance.” With the recent war on drugs, B1’s mom (and partner) were “necessary” casualties.

“I insisted on paying the funeral services kasi hindi naman nila kaya. Sabi ko utang muna niya.” D said

B1’s Ate finished her contract overseas, so “they” decided to move-in as the nieces had someone to take care of them.

“Sabi ko nuon, pwede naman kami na mag-alaga para maka-abroad ulit yung ate niya. Pero sabi niya, ano naman daw sasabihin niya sa ate niya kung bakit ako yung mag-aalaga.” D said with just a hint of sadness in his voice.

B1 explains to his family and friends that he is working as a “boy” in a family in one of QC’s subdivisions. That it's the "family" paying for his school.

-o0o-

“THESE things… These relationships. I’m the sponsor, he’s the beneficiary.” D

“So the sponsor gets to decide for everything?” ME probed

“Necessarily, anyone who controls the resource - controls the man.” D

“Or bagets in this case.” ME smiled

“Chaka mo, bakit my interrogation ako? Asan si HE, este M?” D

“M has work bukas. Gaga ka. Hahahaha!” ME

“Anong tawanan ‘to?” It was R - finally

“Ay! Ang aga mo for next year ‘te.” D

“Hindi na kayo nasanay. Hinintay ko pa ‘to eh.” R pointing to Bagets 2

“Good evening po sir.” B2

“Si B2 pala, kapitbahay ko. Si ME at D - mga kaibigan ko since birth.” R

ME and D both waved to B2.

“Bago?” ME asked R

“Luma. Hahahaha. Ano ba.” R flirted

“K” ME and D said in unison rolling our eyes

“Asan si HE?” R asked

“Ewan - tanungin mo siya.” ME replied

“M kasi 'te. M. Hahaha!” D replied

“Ay. I forgot. Sorry na 'te. Hahaha. Asan si M?” R

“Nag-usap ba kayong dalawa? Kakaloka. Hahaha. M has work early tomorrow - yun na, last na ha.” ME

“K” D and R also said in unison - smirking

“Bigay mo kay B2 - legal na bang uminom yan?” D giving a bottle of beer to R

“Importante ba yun? Hahaha!” R 

“Ayoko ng eskandalo o pulis ‘te.” D 

“Hahaha. B2 is 20.” R

“Patingin ng birth certificate.” ME said to B2

“Hehehe. 20 na po ako sir - 21 na nga po next week.” B2

“Grabe kayo sa akin. Hahaha!” R

-o0o-

B2 recently became a father. Pregnancy and birthing  package care of R. They have known each other for over 7 years (as they were neighbours).

B2 was introduced to R by a basketball teammate and they hit it off.

“Yung teammate niya talaga yung keme ko pero nagka-girlfriend kaya ayaw niya daw muna kaya sinama niya yang si B2. Substitute niya daw. Ang cute noh - pati sa keme parang basketball pa din. Hahaha!” R

He did not finish high school as he had to work like the rest of his family. He only has basketball as refuge from all the opportunities he had lost.

“Alam niyo naman yang area ko - Slum Republic. Banat-buto, tapos inom, tapos basketball tapos repeat hanggang makabuntis. Tapos kapag one year old na yung bata - repeat cycle ulit. Hahaha!” R

-o0o-

B1 and B2 were in-charge of the dishes. Actually B1 was, it was a domestic set-up he and D agreed on but B2 offered his help.

All three of us were smoking outside, doning a glass of whiskey each.

“Cute niyong dalawa.” ME said

R and D looked at ME.

“Tignan niyo mga bagets niyo - sisipag. Hahahaha!” ME continued

“Tsye! Mas okay na sila - sumusunod. Hindi ko na kaya ang stress ng relationships - at least kay bagets, kapag sinabi kong hindi - hindi, kung oo - oo. Simple lang lahat.” R

“And yes, power-relation siya. And I’d like to have the upper hand.” D

“R, eh pamilyado na yan. Saka D, until when?” ME

“Its a consequence naman with any straight guy eh. Pero ako din naman lalapitan niyan kapag nangangailangan.” R

“Until he leaves me. Pero sana kahit empowered na siya on his own, he, somehow, I am hoping, he stays because he loves me din pala. Ganun! That’s at least the story in my head.” D

“Ewan ko kung matutuwa ako kasi my friends are eternally hopeless unconditional lovers or to feel bad kasi tanga niyo lang sa mga ganito.” ME

“Oi, its not all unconditional. Hahahaha! Huwag magmalinis ’te.” R to D

“Hahaha. Tsye! Its the only currency they know. I mean, di ba, how else? Pero bonus na lang naman yun - it’s the company. Its being responsible for someone.” D

“O, etong corona ‘te.” R placing an invisible crown to D’s head and D eventually holding the crown in place.

All of us were laughing - we are eternal Miss Universe fans (who isn't?).

“Eh how is this different from rent boys kung ganun?” ME

“Ay ang bastos! Hahahaha!” R

“May relasyon - hindi lang transaksyon.” D

“Pwedeng motivational quote yan tapos si DJ Durano yung background!” R

We all laughed in unison again.

“So it’s really control and power ganun.” ME

“Yes, for me.” D

“Ako, mukhang ako yung kinokontrol at yung ginagamitan ng power. Hahahaha. Ma-bola eh, basketball player kasi. Nadadala naman ako.” R

“Just, take care of yourselves, you know how these things end. Yan lang sa akin - be cautious.” ME

We all cheered to that.

At the distance, B1 and B2 were now singing THAT Gary V. song:

Kung wala ka ng maintindihan

Kung wala ka ng makapitan

Kapit ka sa akin kapit ka sa akin

Hindi kita bibitawan

Charot ko lang yung song. But they were really singing.

-o0o-

I won't be the judge of my friends.

So here’s to whoever you decide to love!

Paano ba sukatin ang sapat?

Sabi ni M hindi sapat yung pinakilala ko siya sa mga kaibigan ko, sa trabaho ko at higit sa lahat, sa pamilya ko.

Kulang yun para sa kanya para masabing mahal ko siya.

Naghahanap siya ng kilig.

Sabi niya itigil muna namin, kapag na-miss niya ako ibig sabihin mahal niya nga ako.

Kapag hindi - hindi.

-o0o-

I am not enough for M.

The things I do are not enough.

Tama naman siya - kulang ako sa panahon, sa lambing, sa pagsuyo.

I am not exactly the sweetest or the most thoughtful.

I barely show how much I  have come to love him.

Tama naman siya - kulang na kulang ako.

Pero M, ikaw, kahit wala kang gawin sapat na sapat ka na sa akin - sobra sobra pa madalas.

Pasensiya na hindi sapat iyon para maging sapat ako sa iyo.

-o0o-

If this is a phase M has to go through, I'll let him go through it.

It's just that the manner of M saying that our relationship will be based on whether or not he misses ME like he's the only one that matters in all this, saddens me to the core.

I know no other way of loving someone. What I do for M, what I am - that is all I have to give.

Here's to hoping that I am enough.

My Morning...

They are my nights
You are my morning

While nights are filled with passion
Mornings are drowned with compassion

The nights are different and exciting
Mornings are always the same and reassuring

Nights are endless chases and ends without guarantee
Mornings are steady and full of security

And while its fun playing in the dark
It is in the light that I must lark

So I enjoy my night
But it is my morning that I hold on tight

You are my morning
And I will choose morning over any other night

In the End...

J went to see you. HE

That's supposed to be a question. ME

No - its a statement. Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin? HE

Bakit? Para saan? I don't think i'm obligated to tell you anything. ME

HE just looked at ME.

You're right. You're not obligated. There was that familiar defeat in HE's voice.

I don't want to make it any bigger than it is. J dropped by to say sorry. Yun lang tapos umalis na siya. ME

It's your fault you know. HE

Oh? Bakit ako na naman, ang tahimik ng buhay ko. Huwag ako. ME

All the things J did, he was seeking attention. Attention that I was not giving. Kasi ikaw naman talaga - in the end ikaw talaga K. Ikaw naman talaga ang mahal ko. HE


ME stopped and turned to HE.

It's not the end so its not ME. Huwag ako. Ano b?! Okay na ako. Of course I love you pero hindi ko na kakayanin pa ulit yung mga eksena natin. ME

You love M that much? HE

M's the reason I can talk to you and be here in the same room. The last two-three years with M has gave me a lifetime of peace that we both can never give each other. ME

But you don't love him as much. HE insinuated.

Love who? SHE butted in when SHE entered the kitchen.

HE and ME just looked at each other.

Oh eh di magsikretohan kayo. Sanay ako. Hahaha. SHE Laughed.

ME smirked.

Okay lang hindi ko malaman, pero please lang, huwag na kayong magbalikan. Huwag ako - hindi ko kaya ang stress niyong dalawa ulit. SHE procalimed.

Hahahahahahahahaha! HE let out a very hearty laugh.

Noted Madam! ME said and laughed too.

-o0o-

It's not the first time HE hinted on wanting to get back together.

But really,  the adult thing to do is not base decisions on the amount of love.

Whether more or less, any love, any amount of love, can be nourished. In time, it will amass so much that it overpowers your first love or your second and it will be the only love you will ever need.

Cheers.

Office Visit...

J was sitting in the office lobby - a vase of succulents in his hands.

He stood up when he saw ME - smiled and waived.

"I honestly am surprised - siguro just follow me to my work station muna." ME said to J.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for coming unannounced pero hindi ka kasi nagreply sa last na text ko." J said en route to my work station.

"And this should merit you coming here?" ME

"Easy on the kasungitan." J said grinning. J has a nice grin.

"I sound like that on a regular basis." ME

"Alright -alright. These are for you." J handing me the succulents.

"Ayaw ko - para saan?" ME said (like a virginal high schooler)

"Hahaha. HE was right - you're naive." J

"Look, just get it. Its my apology for all things HE. It'll make me feel less guilty." J

"Ah. HE said that? Well, okay naman ako - matagal naman na akong okay. Wala naman dapat pa pag-usapan." ME

"Okay. I felt lang na I needed to say it personally." J

"Well, you've said it." ME

"I did. Yeah... So, yeah - I'm going." J

"Yeah. Salamat para sa mga cactus." ME

"Hahahaha. You're welcome. You're funny. It's cute." J smiled again.

ME waived goodbye to J, sat on my chair and placed the succulents on top of my actionable files.

Gosh.

Nope, Not ME Please...

HE's lying. You know how HE is.

The text was from an unregistered number. I presume it was from J.

I don't want any of this. I'm not about to be tangled in an [ex] lover's brawl.

As far as I'm concerned, this is their issue. Not mine.

No ME.

About J (Again)...

J's giving it to his classmate. HE said over the phone.

The what? What is this about again? ME said on the other line.

J. The things he's been getting from me, he's giving it to a classmate. HE

Okay. Is this good or bad? ME

The stealing is bad. But what's worse I think is that they're more than classmates. HE

Ha? Assumptions mo? ME

Hindi. I saw it. I smelled it. HE

Kanino? ME

Sa kalaguyo niya. They do group studies sa bahay - pero may mga kasama naman silang iba. HE

Me was silent.

Right under my nose. Crazy. HE

Are you crying? ME said.

HE was silent.

Uy? Tama na yan. Tanga ka kasi. Pero pogi naman. ME said.

I'm breaking it off. HE said.

You better. ME said.

Thanks. Mostly for the pogi bit. HE.

Don't mention it. ME.

The line went dead.

-o0o-

HE probably deserved this.

(evil laugh)

But really, poor guy.

And that's sincere.

About J...

J's stealing. HE said

Huh?! ME said in shock.

J's stealing from me. HE repeated.

What? How? And why would J? ME couldn't believe what ME is hearing.

It started with the little things, a belt, then my wayfarers, then my watch, then my perfume, and then another watch. HE narrated.

Baka naman hiniram, ganyan naman tayo dati. ME said.

Oo, pero siya, hindi siya nag-sasauli. HE

 Eh baka kailanagan niya pa. ME

Hindi din. I confronted him about the perfume. HE

And? ME

He denied it. HE

ME was really just in shock.

And the watch, I heard it alarm one time and it came from his bag. HE

Baka naman... ME was trying to be the devil's advocate

No - that's my alarm, I have woken up to it for the past year and a half. I know my alarms. HE

So now what? ME

Hindi ko naman ipagdadamot yung mga gamit ko. J can ask for it, i'll give it to him - you know how I am. It's just really unsettling: the idea that J is stealing. Parang wala na akong sense of security around him. I now keep all my watch in my office drawers. HE

I just can't really believe it. I'd still like to think you're wrong about all this. Hindi ba naghahanap ka lang ng excuse to break it off with J? ME said honestly.

Really? You're thinking that? K, I'm not looking for a way out. This is not an excuse. I just really don't like thieves. Saka nagkulang ba ako sa kanya? I give him more than what he asks - whatever he needs or wants he can freely tell me. I'm a good provider K - you know that very well. HE

I know that. But what you're telling me is just batsh*t crazy. What could be J's motivations for doing it? Clepto ba siya or what? ME asked some more

I don't know. I guess I just have to find out. HE

-o0o-

What HE said is just crazy - no words but crazy. J looks fairly decent and he's not even that economically challenged. He goes to a good school, clothes are leaning on the almost high-end.

Oh gosh, ME judges people based on looks. How shallow. Hahahahaha!

But honestly, J does not strike me as a thief. So ME was just really at a lost about what HE said.

Yeah, so here's to things that keep relationships "interesting."