Musings of the Old...

I'm spent.

My body, mind, and soul are depleted. Or at least it feels like that.

I have never felt so alone and lonely during the past year with the pandemic and all.

Literally, what I have felt all my life, was physically manifested and it was scary: to live the rest of my life  in constant alone-ness. 

-o0o-

The mother and the baby are fine. Home delivery kasi hirap ang hospitals ngayon. Mabuti may kumadrona sa community. SHE reported. ME was silent.

That was late last year. I was just relieved that the networks of SHE were efficient. For ME, that was the last act that I can muster to do for N.

What about N? SHE asked.

I'm sure he can find another gay man and he has his wife. I am but always "among the others" SHE. ME admitted what I have been thinking with all of the men.

And I should know better. SHE remarked.

You're different, you know that. I will never put you in the same light as I would put them. ME said as if I was directly looking at SHE.

Good. I just wanted to validate. I can hear SHE smirk over the phone.

I would be in the gutter if not for you - you are my eternal love SHE. ME replied.

And you mine. SHE quickly answered.

-o0o-

Perhaps HE and SHE was the last genuine relationship I would have ever have.

Perhaps I was not meant to find a love over and beyond the benefactor role.

Perhaps I don't deserve to.

All these "perhaps" are everyday anxieties I had to overcome because I had work to do, because I needed to live, because I needed to not fail in other things.

-o0o-

Pasabi naman po kay N na kailangan magpa-check up yung baby. It was a text.

M? ME texted back.

Opo Sir. Mag-3 buwan na po kasing di umuuwi si N. Alam ko naman po na jan sa pumupunta. M replied

My heart melted. N has not been with me since THAT day in April.

M, sorry, hindi ko na nakita si N since last year. ME

Ganun po ba - alam nyo po ba kung nasan sya? M

Sorry M - hindi ko alam. Text mo si B2 baka alam niya. ME

That was the last text I sent - there would NOT be any point in the communication and honestly - I would not want to re-involve myself in their lives. I have that much courage now. Come to think of it,  I didn't even ask anymore how M got a hold of my number. 

I'm done - that much I know.

-o0o-

But what's next for an old gay man?

What is there to live for?

Work? Promotion? A new house? A car?

All these are material.

But what do I have to live for now when I have been so used to living for others? 

It sounds altruistic, but trust me, it's not.

No one needs me now. There's always someones else that can provide something more - give something more. Who doesn't nag and who can spare any amount. Is this not the reality we face when we fall in love with straight men? Or that's just me.

-o0o-

Siguro this is how it is when you're old - you spent most of your days asking questions and going through the past over and over wishing it will have a different ending.

This much I know, what's amazing (and also cruel) about age is that hope always seem to manage staying behind. A little less than when you were young, but always a little more to help you survive daily.

I don't know what I'm hopeful for. But I'm hopeful.

Today, this thought is enough to survive.

Same Pain (If Not Worse)...

Akong pupunta. SHE

I was quiet.

Alam ko yung lugar, may project kami dun. Leave things to me. SHE continued

You can't. I said in a cracked voice.

Anong I can't? Kilala kita - this is killing you. SHE was angry

-o0o-

Buntis ako. The text read.

I mistook N's phone for mine. I took out an extension of my mobile plan for N so he doesn't have to worry about load.

Pag tinanong niya sabihin mo bigay na incentive sa trabaho mo. I remember telling N

Uwi ka agad kung pwde - samahan mo ako sa doktor. The text further said.

I quickly deleted it.

-o0o-

The thud in the door was unbearable.

What was it? 3:00 am? Who in the hell?

You don't pick up the phone for ages. You suddenly ignore everyone. Ano 'to?! Ha?! You don't care na others worry about you?! SHE was shouting and she was not even inside the house.

I looked at SHE and left the door open for her.

I took the bottle of beer that's already open and took a jug.

SHE seated beside me. A bottle of beer already open in her hand.

Talk to me. SHE

-o0o-

Wala naman akong tinago ah! Alam mo lahat! Ikaw pa nga yung nagsabi di ba? Sinabi mong huwag ko siyang hihiwalayan? N was talking at the top of his voice.

Marinig ka ng mga nasa kabilang unit. I said through my teeth.

Eh ano to? N was pointing at the bag of his clothes on the table.

Hindi ko pala kaya. I replied.

Gago ka ba?! N was shouting.

I just looked at N.

Wala akong tinago. Alam mo lahat. Di ba yun naman gusto mo?! Hindi mo na kaya?! Eh gago ka pala eh - sabi ko naman iiwan ko na siya. N continued

Buntis siya. I said softly.

-o0o-

Ang bata niya. SHE started.

And she's struggling. With the pregnancy and all. SHE was slow at talking - trying to find words that would be appropriate.

But you know all these already. SHE was squeezing my hand.

What to do now? SHE asked softly.

I was quiet.

-o0o-

I don't know what I was thinking.

That they're not having s*x while they're together?

Did I expect N to be at least that faithful?

Alam ko naman N was in a common-law relationship. That N was in the Metro for work to sustain his family - N had one kid then.

And it should have not come as a surprise since he was with her on most weekends.

-o0o-

I'll talk with the OB I know dun- she'll take care of her at least until she gives birth. SHE

I just kept looking at the bottle of beer.

Until then, you should stay with us. SHE offered.

I was still quiet.

Time to start picking up the pieces again. This is what we do. And what we have done. SHE

I was the fighting tears.

Tapos na. Tapos na 'to. SHE put me in a tight embrace and I just cried my heart out.

-o0o-

Kailangan ka niya. ME

N was was quiet now.

Andiyan na lahat ng kailangan mo. Mas makakabuti sa kanya kung dun ka muna. ME added

Babalik ba ako? N asked

ME was quite.

Tapos na. Tapos na 'to. ME mustered to say.

Same Familiar Feeling...

I woke up to the crackling sound of oil on a skillet.

I put on my glasses and went straight to the kitchen.

Sorry ser, nagising ka ata. Kinuha ko na lang yung pwedeng maluto sa ref - pasensya na po hindi na ako nagpaalam, ayaw po kitang gisingin. N

I just smiled.

Okay lang ba 'to ser? Ako na lang po magluluto ngayon saka kung gusto niyo pong magpalinis. N

Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin yan. ME

Eto lang po alam kong gawin para makabawi eh. N

Bumawi saan? ME

Sa pagpapatulog sa akin dito. N

Parang wala naman akong choice kagabi. ME

N just smiled and went on to fry the sausages, egg and the left over rice.

-o0o-

Oy! Visayas tayo - we'll meet you there by 10-ish. ME was with R on the phone.

I have work tomorrow. ME

So? When did that ever stop you? Hahahaha. R

Leche! Ewan ko, finishing something - let me see later. ME

Arte! See you! R hang up.

-o0o-

Gusto mong kape? Nagkakape ka ba? ME asked N

Opo. Salamat ser. N

I took out two sachets and poured them into hot water. Stirred them then offered one to N.

Yosi lang ako. ME

Puwede bang maki-hit ser? N

Oo naman, kaso sa balcony tayo - no smoking dito sa loob e. ME

Opo. N

We were on the balcony with a stick of Blues each. N lit the cigarette for ME.

Bakit ang dali mong malasing kagabi, lakas mo namann uminom nung fiesta ah. ME to N

Wala lang sa kondisyon ser - puyat lang din kasi sa trabaho. N

Oh, eh bakit di ka na lang nagpahinga kagabi? ME

Hindi naman madalas ser eh. Ska sabi ni Kuya R, bibihira ka lang daw makasama sa mga ganun. N

ME took a sip of coffee. ME was silent until the cigarette was finished.

-o0o-

Ang tagal mo! R immediately commented as I took a seat opposite him.

I told you I had to finish something. Oy, B2, musta? ME said to B2 sitting beside R.

Ayos lang po. Tagay mo na po agad. B2 said as he handed me a shot glass with some kind of blue concoction in it.

Agad-agad naman. Walang nang patumpik-tumpik. Hahaha. ME.

Ay friend, ikaw lang naman mahilig sa patumpi-tumpik. R

ME just gave R the "eye" and drank whatever the blue thing was. It was okay-tasting considering the color.

Masarap ser noh? It was N. He sat right beside ME.

Oy, kanina ka pa? ME

Opo, nag-CR lang. N

I gave R the "eye" again.

-o0o-

Kain na tayo ser. N said when he finished his cigarette. We were still on the balcony and the street below was starting to get busy.

Sige-sige, mukhang mahusay kang magprito. Hahaha. ME

Ay ser, mahusay talaga ako. N was teasing

Wala ka bang pasok ngayon? ME was trying to change the subject.

Meron po. Makikiligo lang sana ako ser tpos aalis na din - direcho na sa trabaho. N

Sige-sige. Bilisan mo baka ma-late ka pa. ME

We ate, had another cigarette, and then N took to the bathroom for a bath.

-o0o-

Into the night, and on our second pitcher of the blue concoction, our conversations become rowdier.

Basta ako, masaya lang. Living in the moment. R was declaring

Yan naman talaga dapat - wala naman tayong magagawa sa past and future. B2 added.

Isang future lang naman inaasam ko eh. It was N.

Ano yun? R asked.

N look at me.

Yung kasama ka. N finally said.

P*ta 'tol - hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Hahaha. B2

Ay o! May pa-damoves agad sa'yo friend. Hahahaha. R

I just laughed. N tapped by knees and said - Huwag kang mapipikopn ah.

Hahaha. Sige lang - sanay ako sa bola. ME

Basketball lang binobola ko 'kala mo. N

Shumat ka na lang kaya. ME offering my shot to N.

Pero kami mauuna na kasi may biyahe pa ako in 2 hours. Kayo na bahala diyan. R

Una na kami 'tol. B2 said to N

It felt planned. It was planned. LOL.

Ubusin lang natin 'to ser tapos hatid ko na po kayo baka meron pa kayong gagawin bukas. N

ME just smiled.

-o0o-

Ser! Ser! It was N shouting from the bathroom.

Yep? ME

Tuwalya po pala. N Said.

ME went to get fresh towels to give to N. The bathroom door was half open. N was inside showering. I slowly placed the towel on the knob and tried to close it.

Abot mo na lang. N noticed ME at the door.

ME handed him the towel.

N handed me some...

This, ito, ngayon lang 'to. ME was saying between kisses.

Kaya sulitin na natin. N replied.

And I went down the drain after that.

Same Time Last Year...

R invited us (me and D) to come over about the same time last year to his place. It was Sto. Niño's feast and it was tradition that he celebrates - even though R was practically agnostic.

I never really obliged because it was faaarrrrrr. But since we were not able to meet last year for the group birthday celeb, D and I agreed to go.

We were already there before lunch to help R out on the preps. He had pancit, chicken, salad and biko (I swear he makes the best kakanin!). ME brought the cake and D brought brandy which R immediately commented as "Kulang yan, pupunta buong team" followed by the gayest "Hahahahahaha" I've heard.

Anong buong team? D asked

Si B2, nagsabing pupunta sila ng mga kasama niya. R explained.

No! This is not going to be a Fraternity X night! ME shouted.

'To naman, ang linis linis mo! R shouted back. Eh kung may gusto kayo eh di go, kung wala eh 'di wala! Hahahaha. R added

Ang lakas mong maka-bugaw noh? Hahahaha. D also laughed.

Pero hindi nga, pupunta din sila Nanay at si Kuya tapos si Aling Rosa sa kabila - it's not just us. Kala niyo sa 'kin?! Hahahahahaha. R said in his defense.

I and ME just looked at him with raised eyebrows and an "Ah uhm."

We all laughed.

-o0o-

It was a riot when R's family came - complete with the nieces running around, scraping their knees then back to running. And boy oh boy were they hungry. Hahahahaha.

I'm just glad there was some more barbecue after they left.

So there I was, grilling pork by the garage when B2 arrived with the "team." He opened the gate with familiarity and let himself and his friends in.

Happy fiesta po. He greeted when he saw me.

Happy fiesta sir. Said the rest.

I just smiled. Si R nasa kusina lang. May pagkain pa sa loob - kayo na bahala. ME said.

Opo. B2 said and ushered his friends inside.

Hindi siya nagbibiro nung sinabi niyang buong team. Hahahaha. D whispered when he came to me outside.

Oy, oy! May B1 ka na. San pala yun? Bakti di mo sinama? ME asked D.

Nasa probinsya pa yun. Sem's not started yet. D replied as he gave me glass of the brandy he brought.

Si R? I asked.

Yun, sa loob. Nagpapaka-mamasan. Hahahaha. D answered.

And true enough R was being the perfect host - like a wife when the husband's work colleagues come to visit their home. Or like a day care nanny. Hahahaha.

I have never really seen this side of R before. Hahaha. I commented to D.

Di ba? Lakas maka-asawa ng lola mo. Or pwede ding yaya. D read my thought.

Inggit lang kayo. It was R, out to get some barbecue from ME.

'Te, okay na ako. Quota na. Hahaha. ME said.

Weh? Talaga lang ba? Si N, tinatanong pangalan mo. Sasabihin ko ba? R was grinning.

Sinong N? D asked.

Huwag pahalata. Yung naka plain black shirt na kalbo. R described N.

Not interested. ME said.

He's looking o! D silently exclaimed.

At that time, really, ME was genuinely not interested. ME was more focused on the grilling of pork.

-o0o-

Ako na lang sir magtuloy niyan, kanina ka pa nagluluto eh. It was N.

Okay lang ako. Gusto kong may ginagawa. Pero salamat sa offer. ME

N went back inside.

Ayaw mo talaga? R asked.

Ayaw ang alin? ME was playing innocent.

Virgin 'te? R replied

Bakit mo ba pinipilit? Nag-down ka na ba diyan? Hahahaha. ME

Tsye! Nabanggit lang kita last time they were here. R

They're always here I bet. Hahaha. Paanong nabanggit? ME

Kasi sabi niya last time baka daw may "kagaya" ako, baka puwede ko daw bang ipakilala sa kanya. R

I just looked at R.

Alam mo na, benefactor to put it bluntly. Hindi naman pwede si D kasi may B1 na yun. Ikaw yung libre sa 'tin. Ikaw yung malungkot at walang pinagkakagastusan. Hahahahaha! R added.

I-barbecue kita gusto mo? ME threatening R with a barbecue stick.

Saka sinong may sabing malungkot ako? Okay akong mag-isa. Kaya ko. Empowered ako. ME

R just looked at ME.

At mahirap ako! Maraming gastusin! Hahahaha. ME added

I'm not your friend for nothing. I know. I see. I feel you're lonely friend. R

And kaysa you go on occasional paid sex or hook-ups, ito constant. R added like telemarketer selling me a set of knives.

Constant hanggang may nabibigay ka. ME rebutted

Eh may binibigay din naman siya. Quits kayo. R in his defense

I know you mean well. But that's you and D's thing. Isa pa, I don't know how to play this game. I'll end up losing eventually. ME

This is not about something deeper than what it is. You support him, he gives you great s*x and treat you like a girlfriend. That's it. Is love needed? No. But I tell you friend, there will be care and if you're lucky - loyalty. And with who we are now, these are all that matters. R

I gave a faint smile.

This is the only way I know how to look after you. And know that I only mean the best - based sa experience ko with B2. R said as he hugged me.

Alam ko friend. It's just that, I don't want to be the gay that boys or men treat and look at like an ATM. ME said carelessly.

Aray. Preno ka naman. R

You know what I mean - I'm okay with whatever it is so long as it's not me. ME clarified

I support B2. And B2 gives me the support that no money can buy. Hirap i-explain kaya nga nire-reto kita. Mukhang gamitan yung relasyon namin - at gamitan naman talaga pero there's something there that's just hard to explain. That something has been what kept me sane for these past years. R

Friend, I'm good. And i love you for being a bugaw for me. Hahaha. It's just not for me at this point. ME

-o0o-

Looking back at that day now and recounting the conversation I had with R makes me want to slap myself for not sticking with the things I said.

I'm so inconsistent that way.

But yes, everything R said was foretelling.

Same Old Place...

"Nasa Laguna ako, kasama ko mag-ina ko." 

And with one text, I'm back to the place I have struggled so hard to leave.

Sometimes, I feel like there's a permanently marked sign on my forehead that says: Pumapatol sa pamilyado. Welcome, please come in.

I don't plan these things - though I'm guilty on ignoring the red flags.

I prolong finding out the truth because I get lost in a dream and the promise of a future.

Alam ko ilusyanada ako.

Perhaps, after everything, illusion is all I have left.

So yeah, what a way to break a blogging hiatus.

On Casual Crushing...

How hard is it to pretend that you are not aware that I'm looking at you?
If stares could pierce like laser eyes - you'd be a gazillion atoms dispersed by now.
You don't have to play power with me - I submit to you entirely.
You have both my eyes, my stare, my gaze.
Even when I'm not looking - I am.
Even if I become blind this instant - it would be your face that'd appear in the nothingness.

You can't ignore me anyway - I am forcing my presence strongly.
I am also humiliating myself.
Why are you teasing me with your nonchalant feigning?
The casual biting of the lip.
The wetting of your upper lip by your tongue.

You talking with a guy on your right has evoked in me insurmountable jealousy.
You're mocking my flirting - I am once again humiliated.
But also glad - happy - that you notice me.
Or perhaps you noticing is just in my head.

I envy the girl you winked at from across the room.
I know (hope) that she's only a friend.
I hope I was a friend too.

On A Lost Conversation...

I envy that you still feel that. SHE

Feel what? ME

That excruciating squeeze in your heart when someone hurts you. SHE replied.

ME was at SHE's over the weekend. We were supposed to attempt to make home-made ensaymada but ended up folding the laundry instead.

I wish I didn't. ME said.

Don't say that. You're lucky you know. SHE

Expound. ME challenged SHE

To feel the pain is a gift. At least that's how I see it. It's a gift because that sprang from a special place. It means you still love with a heart that's not been numbed by all the previous hurt you had to go through. Or that you have such a big heart that all the scars could not possibly cover the enormity of your heart's size. It means you're human and you're living. And that you can still love like nothing matters - like you can still lose the world for someone. SHE said with a hint of longing in her voice.

ME just looked at SHE.

SHE looked back. In her eyes was genuine envy.







P.S.

I had this somewhere in my draft files from last year. The "hurt" was from being lied to and giving that person a chance to say the truth but lied anyway.