For Real...

Dear HE,

I think I'm finally okay.

I'm sorry - for not being enough. 

And no, I'm not soliciting for pity it's just that now, I accept that.  

And it's okay - I think I have finally forgiven myself for it. 

And it's not your fault for wanting more - we all want more. 

I wanted more. 

And I'm done playing the victim card so I'm sorry for being resentful - I've been hating you too long.

I just felt I needed to do that for a time. You see, it was the only way I could hold on to you. 

But it feels too heavy now and I would rather hold memories of love. 

I would like to remember you as a good memory - and you are.

And thank you - I would not have known love the way I do if it weren't for you.

I really hope that you're happy and that it was all worth it.

Think of me and when you do, I hope you smile.

K

ME Bad...

These last few days I felt that I deserve more - more than M.

I'm arrogant and too proud that way.

I think I have, again, been misguided by the "idealism" portrayed by couples I randomly stalk online.

-o0o-

You see, I was away for a couple of months for work. Its close to the Metro but my schedule was so tight (no free time even on weekends) that it was impossible to meet with M.

I did not expect M to come visit - even on my birthday.

Okay, I lied.

I was fervently hoping he would come on my birthday.

M didn't show up.

Not even a card.

There was a text message though and I had to call him because he didn't have extra for calls.

That's it pansit.

I was fighting myself not feel bad - but I did.

I miss getting cards and flowers on my birthday.

I miss surprise lunches brought to the office.

I miss the random travels.

I miss gifts.

I know, it all sounds superficial and  mundane and I know I have a lot going with a good man like M and it makes me feel even more bad knowing that.

Its just, don't I deserve at least that, on my birthday?

-o0o-

I got back after the two months just for a December breather as I'm going away again next year for a longer time.

Every inch of ME was glad to see M.

And I could not help but think na baka babawi siya.

Wala. Nganga. Its been more than a week.

So I had to schedule us dinner to celebrate my post birthday - kulang na lang bilhan ko sarili ko ng regalo.

M enjoyed the food. I did too.

We went home afterwards - that's that.

-o0o-

And its M's birthday too in a couple of weeks - everything's planned already from the gift, to the dinner, to the post dinner, to the overnight stay.

And I wanted to cancel it all.

Masama ako talaga minsan.

But I didn't - M deserved it for giving me peace of mind and security and love and just generally putting up with ME and my crazy expectations.

I guess I just need to stop stalking people online and re-frame my mind that whatever it is I have is exactly what I deserve.

So here's to contentment.