Allow me to share to you the following etiquette for us mistresses:
1) Mistress is not Mrs. Know your place.
-> Si SHE No. 1 Girl tapos AKO No. 1 Boy. There's simply no comparison, what I offer is different from what SHE can - basta ako mas masikip. AMPF!
2) Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, don’t let that go to your head.
-> HE has never once told me that HE loves ME or SHE more. But I know that nothing in the world could ever come between HIS love for the TWINS - not even ME.
3) Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Holy Week and his birthday.
-> Please refer to the Birthday Clause... I do get ALL SOULS/SAINTS Day since they have no one to visit in the Cemetery anyways. Come to think of it, yun lng yung Holiday na sa AKIN - most of the Holidays we have are either celebrated PRE or POST.
4) Be friend his secretary but avoid all contact with his driver.
-> He doesn't have a secretary or a driver and I've never met his office colleagues or any of his brothers. I kinda expected it -
5) As tempting as it seems, don’t patronize the wife’s beauty parlor, jewelry shop, dress shop, or father confessor.
-> SHE isn't the business woman type- she's more Jackie O... And SHE doesn't go to Church - YOGA, yes but never Church (no pun intended)... Well, not until I met her and learned that she does have a devotion...
6) DON’T CALL HIM, WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL.
-> Nah - I call when I want to except when I know HE's with the SHE and the TWINS - in those instances, HE calls when HE can.
7) To be seen with him in public once is risky. The second time could be fatal to one of you. The third time is The End for both of you.
-> We buy groceries together - that's as public as we can get. But no show of affection whatsoever when we're out and he usually have a habit of walking a few paces before me. Don't get HIM wrong - its just the way HE is: he likes leading.
8 ) Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults.
-> I have never heard him speak ill of SHE - not once. He had however, cursed his heart out when he saw me cutting my nails on the bed...
9)Mistresses are kept by rich men. But a mistress who is a woman of substance and independent means is better (Translation: Don’t ask him for money).
-> He's rich but not filthy and what is important is that I am KEPT...
10) Be discreet. (Make sure he is not the type to talk in his sleep.)
-> We're out anyway to SHE - I guess that gives us comfort. But alas, diligence must be kept as there are prying eyes everywhere - from our laundry woman to the can driver...
11) Never travel together.
->The farthest we went was Batangas - at a resort - and we took the bus. Its fun traveling with him, he is a good story-teller plus I get to hold his hand for the ride...
12) When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fecklessness (Men will be boys. They will forget to call. They will break a date at the last minute. They will stand you up. They won’t explain and they won’t ask for forgiveness. But don’t cry nor throw a tantrum. Don’t break down because a mistress is supposed to understand a man more than his wife does).
-> HE have broken several and I have thrown tantrums more than once at him. But when HE makes-up for it - oh boy - HE MAKES-UP for it to the sense of the word.
13) Wives have their own networks of spies and amigas. It is helpful for the mistress to have her own. A chaperon is not a good idea, however. (Chaperons are passe. Besides, they talk.)
-> I don't know how open SHE is with her friends but one time, nagpang-abot kami sa isang restaurant and SHE casually said Hi to ME and introduced me to his colleagues as a "friend" of HE. I know right - SHE is as classy as they get (talagang my papuring ganun kay orig?)
14) Mistresses don’t complain.
-> I complain about how HE washes his ties only after a month... Or that I always have to turn the snooze off on his alarm... Or that HE scoops from my ice cream pint when he perfectly has a pint of his own... BUT I have never complained on the amount of time he spends with me (or the lack thereof) or that I feel most often that I am second priority (which I am). I guess there are a lot of things that you come to terms to when you are faced with certain situations and in time, you learn to accept them...
15) Being No.2, the mistress tries harder.
-> I try - I try hard. Pero sabi ko nga, SHE and ME offers different things... But sometimes I unconsciously compete with SHE - I would always have to get the better gift for him on his birthday, that I memorize all his preferences (what tie goes with what shirt and what condiment goes with what food) and that I seldom say NO to his whims...
16) Send him home as soon as it becomes apparent that he’s overstaying.
-> HE has overstayed for five years - I don't mind...
17) It is practical for a mistress to be linked to anther man, preferably her lover’s friend.
-> There are the occasional exes but HE has a certain PRIDE and SECURITY and he knows me too well to get jealous... Sometime I think I may have broken down too many walls for him that in the end, I won't have any available defense...
18) If he is a public man and you’re thinking of staging an accident of running into him, think: How many accidents can I pull off in one month?
-> I have once attempted to do this. HE was meeting his old college friends (one of which was a long time girlfriend) - at dahil alam kong malandi yung babae at i-aattempt niyang ahasin si HE kay SHE, talagang sumunod ako sa Timog. When HE saw me in the door - he gave me a look of disappointment that put me to intense shame...
19) Don’t make unnecessary enemies of his children.
-> I love the TWINS. I met them once (thanks to SHE) and I've been constantly bribing them with gifts since - they know me sa TITO.
20) Remind him to pay for everything in cash – dinner, flowers, perfume, champagne, pearls, diamonds, a microwave oven, etc.
->Hahahaha - we always pay in cash. Just like HIM, I don't believe in credit cards.
21) Don’t use tears as a weapon. He’s probably had enough of that from the Mrs.
Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesn’t use tears to get what she wants.
-> I use ehem another 'weapon' to get what I want and it never fails... Hahaha
22) Resist the urge to be found out.
-> Well,SHE knows... So I guess it would be easier when the whole world finds out eventually - IF they would.
23) Perish all thought that someday you’ll be No. 1
-> I have - I just rest in the comfort that I'm KEPT.
24) Married men who keep mistresses don’t like surprises, as a rule.
-> HE doesn't like them surprises too - he likes to be in control of things and surprises gets him out of control. So no surprises for HIM...
25) A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only half life. Cheer up!
-> HE does - but the lines as slowly thinning... HIS two lives are unconsciously merging together.
26) Resist the urge to shower him with gifts. Evidence, evidence…!
-> Ewan, pero hindi kami mahilig magbigayan ng gamit pero ang manghiram sa isa't isa, dun kami binggo. From after shave, to shirts, to socks and to ipods... Siguro on my part, I just really enjoy the fact na a piece of HIM is with ME... Choz.
27) When in doubt, disappear.
-> I have often wished to disappear but with HIM, I finally found a place where I could be the best and worst of ME and still be accepted.
28) When all else fails, leave him.
-> I'd like to think that we haven't failed yet because we constantly TRY.
There. Perhaps on some other time, I could make my own list of Etiquette for the Gay Mistress. Hahaha. Kembot lang.